Deep darkness

[Mich]

((((Lisa))))) I know it is hard to write sometimes. Just know that we will always be here for you whenever you decide to write. I am so happy to read that you are getting enjoyment from the arts class and the meditation. Keep working at it; you are doing well and all you need to do is keep going. *hugs*

[lisalou]

Today is not a good day for me,I am intensely irritable and feeling completely unable to cope with life. I've just had enough,I truly have. I feel like punching myself. My financial problems are getting worse as I have only twenty pounds (thirty dollars?) until my benefits get sorted which will be weeks. I keep getting the dreadful headaches and nausea and constant discomfort in my bladder and desperately feeling like I need to pee constantly,the treatment i am having for this has not helped at all. I'm freezing cold even though the weather has been so good and i know deep down it's because i'm not eating enough but i just can't stop desperately wanting to lose weight. I feel so low and black

[xn728]

OOOh shit lisa this i did not want to see im so sorry your feeling like this ,
money is a big problem isnt it ,,i know ,,someone said to me once ,dont worry about money just look after your health ,,but it doesnt work that way does it lisa ,ive just put a self cert in for seven days ,,and im not going back ,,this will cause friction with fran when i tell her ,,but she needs me at home ,,so we,ll just have to suck it and see ,,we now how hard the benifit system is here dont we lisa ,,a bloody nightmare ,,lisa im so sorry i cant help you i really am,,its gonna be hard but you know that ,and we,ll give you all the support you need ,,standing hard with you lisa my dearest freind ,,try to keep in touch ,its hard i know ,,but be strong
im with you in spirit,,hugs (((((little boo,,))))),,oooppss hugs (((((lisa))))),,
lots of love from ken !!!!xxxxx

[lisalou]

the benefits system is a nightmare indeed,finally dragged myself out of apathy and made my claim for employment and support allowance this morning,was on the phone forever! If I do get it it will take at least three weeks to process before they start making any payments but that's not as bad as i expected actually. so i will have to just be very very wise with my twenty pounds! I'm sure mark wouldn't see me starve anyway although I would see me starve...restricting my diet and losing weight is about the only thing i'm achieving,i have lost nearly a stone (14 pounds),even I don't feel so fat anymore,definitely need to tone up fast though because summer seems to be coming early and i cant hide my disgusting body much longer! really really anxious today still and really quite grumpy,if i wasn't such a nice and reserved person i would be spitting poison at everyone these days. still,it could be worse, my friend has just been admitted to our psychiatric hospital and is sectioned there for 6 months. dont think i could bear being hospitalised,that's why i am doing this day hospital thing,to keep me from becoming an in-patient. I am absolutely dreading the day ahead although there is nothing particularly bad ahead. It's just that every day is so difficult

[Mich]

(((((Lisa)))))) I am also so sorry that you are feeling this way. I am worried about you on many levels but especially with the anorexia that has reawakened within you. I can't preach to you because that would make me a hypocrite. Just please know that starvation doesn't lead to anything good. It just leads to a hospital stay when you get too dehydrated and malnourished to function. Please try to stop this insidious disease before it goes that far. Thinking of you always. I really hope those benefits come through for you.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

(((( Lisalou )))), I attended a Crisis Recovery Unit ( CRU ) at a local hospital for a while last year, ( From 10:30 AM to 3:30 AM, ), and I found it helpful, so I hope that you will too. I found it easier to cope with my feelings if I was occupied there by playing chess, scrabble etc. I don't know if that will work as well with you? I hope so. ( They had art there as an activity, but I'm soooooooooooo epically not artistic! ) Although, while I was there, I actually had a very interesting conversation about the Russo-Finnish war of 1939-40 with a Finnish psychiatric nurse, who happened to be working there at the time. But, I'm guessing that you might not share my interest in obscure corners of military history. Also, giving the relatively small population of Finland, the resulting relatively small number of Finnish psychiatric nurses, and the relatively small number of those Finnish psychiatric nurses who will choose to work outside Finland, you are in fact unlikely to meet a Finnish psychiatric nurse at all! Please feel free to shout " Get a life!!!! ", if it will help you to cope with this post!
Seriously though, please try to keep eating, ( Sorry!!!! I can't believe I've just advised someone experiencing anorexia to " keep eating ". Talk about stating the obvious! But, you know what I mean, I hope! ), as Mich said " starvation doesn't lead to anything good. "
Hope the benefits come through soon, if you can navigate the benefits sysyem over the 'phone you are clearly someone to be reckoned with!
Seriously, though take care of yourself, please, y'hear? ( Don't make me nag, I'm a minor bureaucrat, I can do the nagging......Although, I really don't nag people forever.......It just feels like forever....... )

[lisalou]

Tacking,thanks for your support. the crisis recovery unit sounds quite similar to day hospital although we only go there for specific times and activities and there isn't any other time for socialising/just hanging out/learning interesting military history!

Mich,you will be proud to hear I am eating a banana as i type this!

I feel very blank and very worn out today, can't think of a single thing i want to do,can't face the ordeal that is getting ready for the day. it seems pointless,what do i really have to get ready for? i feel so completely useless

[xn728]

we all travel this road together lisa ,,just lately its strewn with many obstikles for us to overcome ,,mine well ,frans illness not my own ,,,yours and mich ,,and shatteredhopes ,,monty ,,misty, crystal ,,,many more i just dont have time to say all your names just now ,all my dearest freinds ,,always on the forum everyday ,,now silent ,,and so heartbreaking ,,please stick with it lisa ,,im sorry ive got nothing else im tired ,,fran talks of dying ,,i think it to ,,but i know deep inside ,,we will get passed this as will you and all our freinds ,,walking with you lisa every step of the way ,,ken and fran ,,,hugs (((((lisa)))))
Hugs (((((everyone of my dear freinds ))))),,,lots of love ken and fran xxx

[TackingIntoTheWind]

(((( lisalou )))), I hope you'll forgive me for stating the obvious, ( Hang on, I'm a minor bureaucrat, I'm allowed to state the obvious! Yay! ), you are obviously not totally useless!!!!
I've found this site tremendously useful in my own, ( Admittedly gradual- and-shaky-at-times-and-very-much-still-in-progress! ), recovery from depression and anxiety. And your posts are and have been an important part of the " weave " of this site, and have helped me a lot.
I have to be honest that military history wasn't really an integral part of the Crisis Recovery Unit's normal operations. I just happened to bump into a Finnish psychiatric nurse, and I do have something of an interest in the Russo-Finnish War, perhaps because it is:

1 History,

2 Military history, and

3 Relatively unknown and obscure, ( Unless you're either Russian or Finnish. And I'm not Finnish or Russian, although as an over-worked civil servant, I am frequently " Rushing ". Sorry!!!! )

Seriously though, I can very much identify with how you feel at the moment. ( Apart from the anorexia, that I've fortunately never experienced. ) I wish I had something wise to say to you that would make you feel better.
While I'm trying to think of something wise to say, ( And, this may take a while..... ), please try to hold on to the FACT that you ARE unique, you ARE a valuable and IRREPLACABLE individual. You are, in fact, the guardian and custodian of the only (((( lisalou )))) in existence! So, I hope you'll take as much care of her as you can....

[lisalou]

I am 'guardian and custodian of the only lisalou in existence'..... that's really beautiful, thanks for that Tacking, I will treasure that...

[Mich]

I loved that line from tacking too. You are a special person ((((lisa))))) who has come to be loved by many here.
I am glad you were eating that banana yesterday. Eat another one today!
Love always, Mich

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Well, we Welsh ARE a famously poetic bunch! ( Or, a famously long-winded bunch, opinions differ depending on which side of the Welsh/English border you are! )
Seriously though (((( lisalou )))), I'm glad I was able to help you, even a little, with what is obviously a bleak time for you. There are a LOT of people here " rooting for you ", as our American " cousins " say!
( PS. You won't tell anyone that I've being saying nice things about an English person, will you?! I could get into serious trouble for that! )

[lisalou]

Dear Mr Wind,

We have it on official record that you demonstrated great kindness to a person from the Other Place. Henceforth we have no choice but to strip you of your Welshness. You are no longer permitted to sing or eat leeks and we will send a government official to wipe your memory of all coal and dragon-related knowledge. Then you shall be banished to a land where there is......NO RAIN!

Yours sincerely,

Workers Against Lenience to English Scum (WALES)

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mercy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Although, there are those who know me, who might see the bright side of me being forbidden to sing. My singing voice might best be described as " moving" . " Moving " in the sense that when I start singing I can clear a room in two minutes! ( Ninety seconds if they're music-lovers ! )

[lisalou]

Have had some good news today,phoned up the benefits people to make some enquiries and they said it looked like my claim had already been processed and approved and I should be getting some money soon! Exciting! It's not very much but anything feels like riches when I have been struggling on nothing.

I went to the meditation group again and it managed to still my anxiety a bit if only for a little while. I did feel a bit tearful a few times but I think that's cos it releases so many thoughts and feelings

I am trying to eat things that are low calorie but nutritious like sandwiches salad and fruit, and I am actually beginning to feel a bit better about my body as I get back down to my preferred size (I am TRYING not to let this escalate to an unhealthy anorexic weight)

I've been helping Mark with his play by doing the make up for the characters which is quite fun and makes me feel like i am doing something to support him again. I think we really needed to spend some time together again

Hope everyone feels a little light in their life soon

Love Lisa xxx