Dead Inside (Triggering)

[shatteredhopes]

Yesterday I was distracted thinking about other things than the trauma and pain of recent years, and last night I noticed how dead inside I felt. This, I think, is the best I can hope for, to dispassionately occupy my mind and not care so I don't feel overwhelmed by the pain and suppress the horrible pain of the past. I really have no hope or way of turning things around for me, given my disabilities and obstacles I am pretty much stuck. To accept that no miracle will come will be to finally throw in the towel on living. I am so marginalized from society, alone day in day out except for the posting here and infrequent contact with my mother. I feel obligated to live until she passes and then maybe I will be free to go.

I have hurt and been hurt so badly for so long that I am a hollowed out shell of a person. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror yesterday, and I realized how long it had been since I actually looked at myself in a mirror and also, how dead my eyes looked...the flicker of light is gone...all I have to show for my pain is wrinkles etched in from furrowed brow for so long.

I just can't imagine what could make life worth living again that I could reasonably hope for...so many doors have closed for me. I have often prayed to a God I don't know if is truly there to end my life, and since that hasn't happened, I prayed last night to stay dead inside...to no longer feel or care so whatever bad comes my way in the future won't affect me and to learn to suppress the past and block it from my mind so I no longer suffer the lingering pain of trauma and sorrowful events.

[xn728]

So my (((sister))),,it has become so bad you give up ,many times ive been at that point ,so i cant blame you for feeling this way ,,for all my freinds like you ,that are struck silent in pain ,,maybe my happiness has been at your expense ,,so I will give it up , ,come visitor and take me back ,i dont understand this bright world i live in ,,it gave me something so good ,but also took something away i need ,,so come those demon on horseback and trample my body ,till it lays broken and bleeding ,,and maybe just a little strentgh may return to my freinds ,if this is the cost of my happiness that my freinds should fimally give in ,,then take it back ,I have all i need within me to love and look after my Love Fran ,,,and you
((((sister)))),,im sorry but you will go on and you must not give in or give up ,you cannot allow the darkness the slightest victory ,or it will take another and then another till we are no more ,,and that can never happen ,Im leaving you here what ever was given to me ,,you must take it and use it ,,its no good arguing ,its layed down now before you now
Not to accept it will be a waste, as it cannot be returned to me now ,, I must go im very sad to see you thinking this way ,,but i must find the warrior now ,im bared and without weapons ,,please dont give in ,,,,
hugs (((((sister))))),,,,,love ken xn728 xxx

[DreamCatcher]

hello shateredheart
i know very good how u feel...i felt that way very often. its...total emptiness...like,just flesh and skin and deep inside...nothing
u want to force feelings, u think bout people u might love...but nothing...u try to force happiness, but no way, then u turn to sadness...but not even sadness...u try to force hate..but u cant even hate...just pure emptiness
and its so ... i would say u feel fear but there's nothing...u just think 'where's my soul gone.. do i still have one or is it dead, am i just flesh and empty toughts....
but dear lady, when u feel sadness...dont run away from it, embrace it, for it is the best friend u have, when darkness surrounds you, let it inside, so u won't be empty, for the dark side is the onl thing left, it's the only feelings u're capable of, so embrace them...
sounds stupid but... sure, it wont change your life to positive, but it will definitely change something...

[Mich]

((((((shatteredhopes)))))) I can identify with this post so well. The extreme pain and praying for that dead feeling just so you can avoid the overwhelming sadness. I am living that with you.
We have each other. I want to boost you up so badly but I don't know what to say. Only that there is someone out here that understands that very pain and wants to help you so much. Please don't give up. Please hold on to the belief with me...the belief that things can get better.

[Entitled]

Shattered I feel you. Keep posting and never submit to the fear or the pain.
Let's put our hearts together with this community instead.

[EmmaliciouS]

Catching a glimpse of yourself in the mirror randomly is always a good scope of where your at, you're of guard when that glimpse is caught and it captures how you feel in that moment. Some days i don't eat or sleep much or any and i look and feel like a corpse, all pale and unhealthy. Skin always shows how you feel, white and jaded, demoralising to see yourself when you feel that way because the reflection is so hard to swallow.

Best medicine for that is to get the colour back, i take long walks and sit by the river with a book or music or some grub, usually all 3 and some paints and get stuck in, not so much for distraction but more so because it gets my body responding. The main thing is motivation, i find alot of this is weather related, i live in the UK and the weather lately is really sunny so i'm outside all the time despite having nowhere to go or anyone to see, i'm out for the purpose of being out, get my body responding. Good for both skin and mentality, is being productive whilst going easy on yourself.
Don't mask it with make up or anything, if i'm ill i don't often wear make up because i dunno, seems wrong to cover up how i feel by applying enhancements if you like. Is best can offer really for reflection, and to eat well too because even if you don't want it and you cry as you eat it's still good for your body and a healthy body is a healthy mind, or healthier at least.

Not sure what to say to spur feeling into you about the emptiness, but i feel like that alot too especially when i'm really down but (it may sound silly) but i have a cat, and he's so lovely and cuddly and i dunno if you have pets and as lame a excuse to live as it is, your pet couldn't live without you. Makes me want to be up and about 'cos i know if i'm not out of bed and downstairs by 8 then i'll have a mad kitty clawing at my door, makes me feel like he's asking his mum for some grub cos he's hungry so gives me worth cos if i sat there it'd do him no good.. maybe get a pet if not got one? Can't recommend them enough.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I'm sorry that you are in such a bleak emotional place. I can identify very much with how you are feeling.
Yesterday, I had an awful day in work, I was just overwhelmed emotionally and just completely " lost it ". I'm taking a day's leave today and I'm dreading going back tomorrow and having to face all the people who saw me " going postal ". Wondering if dying would be easier than being so humiliated, feeling so small and worthless and lost. So, I really can share your feelings.
Still, I can always cheer myself up, at least, at little by going on this site and reading your posts can't I? So, doesn't this mean that you have to stick around? ( Not that I'm trying to lay a guilt-trip on you, of course! )
Seriously though, you are a part of something important, this site, you do mean a lot to a lot of people who HAVE benefitted from your words and thoughts.
To quote that great Welshman, Benjamin Franklin, " If we do not hang together we will most assuredly hang separately. " So, please hang on, for your sake AND ours!!!!

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((( shatteredhopes )))))))))))))))))))

Hon, I so understand. There are times I feel that way, that I feel honestly feel empty and 'hollow'. To the point it echos in there when my 'little inner voice' speaks up. I may be struck for the moment but I won't let it or my issues in life keep me from trying, seeking, finding an open door.

This family of ours, right here, are very glad you post, share and talk with us. You give us reasons to smile, laugh, cry and share hugs 'from the heart' with you. YOU are valuable to all of us, never forget that.

Have no clue what the future will bring my way, but willing to be here when it comes. Whether more new friends and family here and in chat room, in real life, a companion, or who knows, winning the lottery, LOL, I want to be here, ready to give it a try. Life has something to offer and 'by damned' I want to find it, live it and savor it to the best of my abilities.

Stand with us shatteredhopes, let us hold you up as you have for us. You are an important member of our lives, never forget that.

(((((((((((((( shatteredhopes )))))))))))))))))))

Warmie

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((Warmie, brother Ken, Tacking, Mich))))))) (((((((Dream Catcher, Emma, Entitled))))))))) good to see you getting around the forum!! You are part of the family now so glad you are making yourselves at home!

Wow! 7 responses, rarely have I felt so loved and encouraged.

I have been extremely, and I mean extremely, anxious, worried about what bad things are yet to happen, especially every time I take the slightest chance on doing something...back to that cosmic cat play of every time I try, bam, something bad happens to knock me backwards.

Yesterday and today I helped my mom with a little yard stuff and she gave me $50! Fed me dinner last night too! While at her house, someone I know called looking for me (I haven't been answering my phone) and wants me to sit with his elderly blind mother while he goes out of town and will pay me...I've done this for him before and she's very sweet (but very chatty) she just gets scared alone in the house and wants company and someone to maybe drive her to church and help her with heating pre-prepared meals. I've just only done it for a couple of days and this will be for 5...not sure I'm up for it but really, really need the money, so gunna try. Not sure how long my patience can hold out, but I can leave briefly during the day to come home and check my mail and such so I'll get a little breather that way. Told him I would do it, and if need to cancel need to do it soon so he'll have time to find someone else. Have been better since off the wellbutrin so maybe it will be okay. And afterwards I can regroup since this is not a permanent thing. And its not like its heavy labor, just being a friendly companion to her is really all it is.

((((((Em)))))))) I wish I could have a pet; missing my pets is one of my greatest causes of my personal pain...they were so essential to helping my depression.

I haven't been able to read yet, did watch an old movie last night that for one little part sparked a painful memory, but for the most part feeling much better since off the wellbutrin. Trying to keep myself more distracted with stuff, but that's also feeding the anxiety and stress, so don't know how long I can keep that up.

I wish there was a way to do work I love in flexible hours around my limitations that would pay me enough to have even just a slightly more comfortable living than I have now. But, unfortunately, even the healthiest among us who can work regular hours are having a tough, tough time in this economy...and the sort of work I would love to do is nearly impossible to get. Just don't have enough confidence right now to pursue freelance writing, either.

((((((((Tacking))))))))) I doubt you fully went "postal" as you may have had a meltdown but don't think you hurt anyone. You are too loving a person for that I suspect. I am sorry you are having such a rough go at work but glad you got a day off to regroup before having to go back. I know you have strength and courage and will do just fine...not trying to mitigate how hard that it will be to do, but still so admire you for working a regular job, regular hours, with serious depression and anxiety issues. I cannot manage it. At least, not at the moment. But maybe there's hope for that in the future, right? I know, be careful what I hope for, huh?

Yes (((((((Entitled))))))) (((((((((Warmie))))))))) it is nice to feel a part of this community, for if I do not belong anywhere else in the world, at least I belong here and find some good here...when I look at my life and things going on in the world I see so much horror and sorrow everywhere...I know there's good it just seems so small in comparison. And I hate to see friends like ((((((((((Mich))))))))) hurt so much and feel so helpless to do or say anything that could make a difference.

But you (((((All))))) made a difference for me just now. Thanks for that.

[Mich]

(((((shatteredhopes))))) I think it is a great opportunity for you to go and be a companion to the blind lady. You will be a wonderful companion for her and I am sure she is looking forward to you coming to see her again. It will also give you some of that much needed "purpose" ...a reason to get up and get going every day. I hope you are able to follow through with it.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Thanks for the kind words (((( shatteredhopes )))), I can really use the " positive reinforcement " right about now! )
You are right when you say that I didn't hurt anyone. When I say that I went " postal " I mean it in a very " British " sense. I did have a huge " meltdown " though. ( Although, I think the person who suffered most was the poor union rep. who had to listen to me!!!! The poor guy only went into the union office to hang his coat up, and ended up having to hear me rant about, my job/my employer/an uncaring universe and the high price of aubergines, etc, etc, for two hours.........!!!! )
We've recently had an office move/reorganisation/slide into sheer random does-anyone-know-what's-meant-to-happen-nextness, which we've all found very unsettling and stressful.
I went back into work today and tried to take up where I left off, but I'm think that I'm steadily losing credibility among my workmates. And as the government cuts the department's staff and budget to a greater and greater extent, it feels as if there's more and more pressure to achieve more and more with less and less, in a more and more demoralized and fraying-round-the-edges organisation.
The people who joined the department early enough to be really experienced, or have the confidence to just bluff their way through, or both, seem to be able to cope. But, I'm increasing feeling how much training I never got and how much confidence I seem to not have. And, this is amplifying my feelings of worthlessness and frustration and fear.
I'm starting to feel like one of those 1930's " cliifhanger " serials, where the hero is trapped in a room, and then the walls start closing in on him It's a trap! Will he survive?! Watch the next thrilling installment next week............
Still, enough about me, I'm glad you're feeling that things a little easy to cope with today. It's good that you're going to be a companion to the lady that you know. I'm sure that you CAN do it. But, please take care of yourself! Please be sure to give yourself a " breathing space " if you need it. ( Afterall, you won't help anyone by not taking care of yourself. Not that I'm one to nag......!