Cosmic Cat Play (Triggering Material)
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TackingIntoTheWind
- Posts: 1060
- Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2009 11:35 am
- Location: South Wales
(((( shatteredhopes )))) glad you're sounding rather better in your feelings about yourself and your future.
If you're grateful to us for our " caring ", I'm sure that we're all grateful to you in persevering through what have obviously been bleak times for you. ( And, I say that being very conscious myself of how difficult it can be to persevere in things when your feelings make you feel as if the world has turned bleak and dark.
)
( PS. You really do have to take care of yourself! Afterall, one of my favourite strategies on this site is to wait for you to say something wise, and then I can seem wise by agreeing with you. How can I do that unless you keep posting?!
)
If you're grateful to us for our " caring ", I'm sure that we're all grateful to you in persevering through what have obviously been bleak times for you. ( And, I say that being very conscious myself of how difficult it can be to persevere in things when your feelings make you feel as if the world has turned bleak and dark.
)
( PS. You really do have to take care of yourself! Afterall, one of my favourite strategies on this site is to wait for you to say something wise, and then I can seem wise by agreeing with you. How can I do that unless you keep posting?!
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shatteredhopes
- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
Today was kinda rough early on...feeling the emotional pain to my core and rather hopeless, but at least not obsessive about suicide. Then took my mom to get some ferns and geraniums and we picked up a pizza while out, which perked me up a little. The other day when I took her to the store, I drove her car so she could take a pill and when backing the seat up so she could get in next time, I crushed the basket that goes to her rolling walker which was in the floorboard behind the driver's seat felt so bad about that. She said she'll just get another, no big deal, but little things like that make me feel like I am the worst person ever, even though it was an accident.
Thanks (((((((mich, tacking))))))))). I don't know how wise I am tacking, I kinda think its the other way around, you are the wise one I just try to follow your lead
I just wish things would somehow magically turn around...something really good would happen and turn the tide and start of chain of positive events instead of the negative downward spiral I am on...
felt so bad about that. She said she'll just get another, no big deal, but little things like that make me feel like I am the worst person ever, even though it was an accident.
Thanks (((((((mich, tacking))))))))). I don't know how wise I am tacking, I kinda think its the other way around, you are the wise one I just try to follow your lead
I just wish things would somehow magically turn around...something really good would happen and turn the tide and start of chain of positive events instead of the negative downward spiral I am on...
As for the basket, we all make mistakes hon. That's all it is. A mistake. Easily rectified too. So don't let it tear you up. I'm glad you had a nice day out otherwise. Try something.... when you have a good day, or even just one that's not so bad, write it down. The whole day. In detail. Then when you have a bad day, read what you wrote. Remembering the good days make it a little easier to get thru the bad ones. And it reminds us that the bad i temporary. lots of hugs my friend.
lots of hugs my friend.-
TackingIntoTheWind
- Posts: 1060
- Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2009 11:35 am
- Location: South Wales
(((( shatteredhopes )))), (((( Obayan )))) is right, please don't worry about the basket, although I know that when you're feeling low things like that can really sap your spirits.
When it comes to me being wise.......Er........
........ ..........I'm not quite sure about that, I'm just a Guardian-reading liberal trying to make sense of things myself! ( And, you know how dangerous a baffled liberal can be! 
)
As far as things " magically " turning around is concerned, I can really appreciate how you might wish that to happen. I often feel the same way myself. But, I find myself thinking that perhaps a more helpful way of looking at things for myself might be slightly different.
There are times when my depression/despair/anxiety etc feel like a torrent of water rushing downhill through a canyon, as if might sweep all before it. And, at times like that, when I'm trying to hold on to hope and some positive, or at least realistic thinking, I might well feel that it would be nice if the " tide " of depression could magically turn. So that my negative feelings simply ebbed away and my better spirits could reassert themselves. But, in practice is that likely?
When beavers build a dam they don't obstruct flowing water by using one huge rock to stop the tide, they use any number of small sticks, stones, bits of mud etc to achieve the same effect as one large rock, ( Which beavers probably couldn't move anyway. ), might do.
So, rather than hoping for one huge good event to turn our lives around perhaps we could " stack " any number of small good events one on top of another to give ourselves some hope even on bleak days.
( Eg. when I was in a cafe having cheese on toast this afternoon, I was sitting in the window seat near the door, and I noticed a lady having a certain amount of difficulty getting into the cafe because the door was sticking in the frame. ( If you go there often, you know this, so you know to " haul away " at the door so it'll open. ) In the end it seemed as if the lady was going to give up and walk away, but I was able to get up and just step over to the door and open it for her. So, she was able to come in and get something to eat. Not, exactly saving the world I grant you, but it made me feel better about myself, allowed her to physically get into what is a particularly nice cafe, and meant that the nice people running the cafe didn't lose a customer. In fact when she was leaving after her meal the lady even paused on her way out and thanked me for opening the door for her in the first place, which did make me feel better about myself
So, let's all cling to the good moments that keeps us afloat!
When it comes to me being wise.......Er........
........ ..........I'm not quite sure about that, I'm just a Guardian-reading liberal trying to make sense of things myself! ( And, you know how dangerous a baffled liberal can be! )
As far as things " magically " turning around is concerned, I can really appreciate how you might wish that to happen. I often feel the same way myself. But, I find myself thinking that perhaps a more helpful way of looking at things for myself might be slightly different.
There are times when my depression/despair/anxiety etc feel like a torrent of water rushing downhill through a canyon, as if might sweep all before it. And, at times like that, when I'm trying to hold on to hope and some positive, or at least realistic thinking, I might well feel that it would be nice if the " tide " of depression could magically turn. So that my negative feelings simply ebbed away and my better spirits could reassert themselves. But, in practice is that likely?
When beavers build a dam they don't obstruct flowing water by using one huge rock to stop the tide, they use any number of small sticks, stones, bits of mud etc to achieve the same effect as one large rock, ( Which beavers probably couldn't move anyway. ), might do.
So, rather than hoping for one huge good event to turn our lives around perhaps we could " stack " any number of small good events one on top of another to give ourselves some hope even on bleak days.
( Eg. when I was in a cafe having cheese on toast this afternoon, I was sitting in the window seat near the door, and I noticed a lady having a certain amount of difficulty getting into the cafe because the door was sticking in the frame. ( If you go there often, you know this, so you know to " haul away " at the door so it'll open. ) In the end it seemed as if the lady was going to give up and walk away, but I was able to get up and just step over to the door and open it for her. So, she was able to come in and get something to eat. Not, exactly saving the world I grant you, but it made me feel better about myself, allowed her to physically get into what is a particularly nice cafe, and meant that the nice people running the cafe didn't lose a customer. In fact when she was leaving after her meal the lady even paused on her way out and thanked me for opening the door for her in the first place, which did make me feel better about myself
So, let's all cling to the good moments that keeps us afloat!
thinking of you
just talking to you sis ,,hope your feeling a little better ,,thinking of you at this time hugs (((((sister))))),,,love ken xxx
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shatteredhopes
- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
Its been a rough few days with many tears and much hopelessness. Truth is, even on my better days I spend much of my time praying for God to show me mercy and end my life. I want to end it but feel obligated to my mother to help her out so she can stay in her home and because I don't want to hurt her if there's anyway I can keep hanging on while she's alive or at least still in her home and not in a nursing home, I am trying.
Tonight I just decided to get out of the house and went to charity shop with used books and movies and picked up a few books and films, including two books by author I really like that is serious subject matter but laced with some humor...hoping to get over the not being able to read problem so I can at least have something to do to distract me from the pain. Lot of things at shop initially triggered memories including of my ex, but got interested after a bit in looking around. Even though super cheap used stuff and didn't get a lot, will be eating Ramen noodles rest of the month now looks like (lol). Managed to send out email to try to get something going for the shelter, at least gave it a little try even though not up for much.
Just sooooo darn sad and hopeless. Don't see anything I can realistically hope for in the future to make life worth living again and can't seem to manage enough productive effort time to start turning my life around because so down so much of the time, and don't see any way to get some real help...can't turn to mental health and can't turn to church given lost faith.
Anyway ((((((Obayan, brother Ken, Mich, Tacking))))) thanks for your support.
Tonight I just decided to get out of the house and went to charity shop with used books and movies and picked up a few books and films, including two books by author I really like that is serious subject matter but laced with some humor...hoping to get over the not being able to read problem so I can at least have something to do to distract me from the pain. Lot of things at shop initially triggered memories including of my ex, but got interested after a bit in looking around. Even though super cheap used stuff and didn't get a lot, will be eating Ramen noodles rest of the month now looks like (lol). Managed to send out email to try to get something going for the shelter, at least gave it a little try even though not up for much.
Just sooooo darn sad and hopeless. Don't see anything I can realistically hope for in the future to make life worth living again and can't seem to manage enough productive effort time to start turning my life around because so down so much of the time, and don't see any way to get some real help...can't turn to mental health and can't turn to church given lost faith.
Anyway ((((((Obayan, brother Ken, Mich, Tacking))))) thanks for your support.
THINKING OF YOU
Cant really say much just now sister ,,fran is ill and were up against it at the moment ,just want to say your in my thoughts take care hugs
(((((sister))))),,love ken and fran xxxx
(((((sister))))),,love ken and fran xxxx
(((((shatteredhopes))))) I am glad you went out to the shop and got some things for yourself. We all need to do that once in awhile. Your showing strength in this email and trying to do things for yourself to be well. I am so proud of you for sending the email to the shelter. You never know what may happen. Things are quite a bit better for me when I can read so I hope you have been able to dig into those books and get lost in other thoughts for awhile. Thinking of you always....Michele
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shatteredhopes
- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
Well the email sparked initial interest then sputtered and died. Oh well. Shouldn't have even bothered. Had dinner with mom last night, but severely depressed afterwards. Have felt bad all day, physical pain, depressed, and trouble breathing at times.
I just sat last night thinking about the job I used to have that I loved so much. After my ex husbands arrest and losing my alimony which was over half my income at a time he also left debts in my name, I was trying to get more hours, but I guess the whole thing with my ex (I had to tell them what was going on because media was hovering about my house and didn't want it to affect my job) or the FBI investigation scared my boss, who quickly began to turn on me...my work requiring her approval or signature would sit weeks and weeks in her office and if I asked her about it she snapped at me. She refused to do my performance evaluation although she did everyone elses. She kept changing the rules of my employment and stopped being flexible which had allowed me to work...my depression growing worse and worse and things were getting more and more difficult at work and I was becoming more and more in financial distress...I eventually had to leave when she changed my hours to something I couldn't do. I was so hurt. Then she didn't replace me and proceeded over the coming months to run the organization into the ground until it was forced to close its doors and she got to retire early with benefits while others were laid off. That hurt too because I loved the organization and hated to see her destroy it. My mom was blind at the time before her cataract surgery and could not drive and was caring for my dad with late stage alzheimer's and she had bought something at a fundraising auction just as I was leaving to help the organization out and my former boss refused to mail it to her even if she paid the postage, saying it had to be picked up. She was a total @@@@@!
I really feel foolish seeming like I was a victim of so many things over the last five years, but I really really was a victim of some people and circumstances beyond my control that thoroughly destroyed my life. I think too of the injustice and abuse I faced in that particular hospitalization and the injustice of the human rights case where the state's attorney general's office got involved to bury the claim and they knew I was too traumatized by them and other things to fight them and exercise all my legal rights. I have long heard and now have experienced it if you are poor and have another strike against you like your color or in my case mental illness, justice is rare. Instead, people can step all over you and totally get away with it.
There seems little truth to karma...sometimes I see it happen that someone seemingly gets back what they put out there, but more often the wicked prosper and the good suffer and perish.
I tried, I really, really tried repeatedly over the years to get my life together volunteering for political causes and charitable ones and every single time something started to work out...bam, rug pulled out from under me and ended up further back than I ever was. I really really loved my ex with my whole heart and decided to make our relationship the thing I would focus on to give me hope for a future and inspire me to get myself together. Then to have my heart broken repeatedly and ultimately, then the door slammed in my face...it was just the last straw and I've hardly functioned since.
I am sooooo tired. I just want to all end. I pray and pray and pray for God to end my life. Today, as I was feeling so physically bad and having trouble breathing, I felt a glimmer of hope that maybe I'd have a massive heart attack and die. I know that's not healthy thinking. But that's truly the way I feel.
I just sat last night thinking about the job I used to have that I loved so much. After my ex husbands arrest and losing my alimony which was over half my income at a time he also left debts in my name, I was trying to get more hours, but I guess the whole thing with my ex (I had to tell them what was going on because media was hovering about my house and didn't want it to affect my job) or the FBI investigation scared my boss, who quickly began to turn on me...my work requiring her approval or signature would sit weeks and weeks in her office and if I asked her about it she snapped at me. She refused to do my performance evaluation although she did everyone elses. She kept changing the rules of my employment and stopped being flexible which had allowed me to work...my depression growing worse and worse and things were getting more and more difficult at work and I was becoming more and more in financial distress...I eventually had to leave when she changed my hours to something I couldn't do. I was so hurt. Then she didn't replace me and proceeded over the coming months to run the organization into the ground until it was forced to close its doors and she got to retire early with benefits while others were laid off. That hurt too because I loved the organization and hated to see her destroy it. My mom was blind at the time before her cataract surgery and could not drive and was caring for my dad with late stage alzheimer's and she had bought something at a fundraising auction just as I was leaving to help the organization out and my former boss refused to mail it to her even if she paid the postage, saying it had to be picked up. She was a total @@@@@!
I really feel foolish seeming like I was a victim of so many things over the last five years, but I really really was a victim of some people and circumstances beyond my control that thoroughly destroyed my life. I think too of the injustice and abuse I faced in that particular hospitalization and the injustice of the human rights case where the state's attorney general's office got involved to bury the claim and they knew I was too traumatized by them and other things to fight them and exercise all my legal rights. I have long heard and now have experienced it if you are poor and have another strike against you like your color or in my case mental illness, justice is rare. Instead, people can step all over you and totally get away with it.
There seems little truth to karma...sometimes I see it happen that someone seemingly gets back what they put out there, but more often the wicked prosper and the good suffer and perish.
I tried, I really, really tried repeatedly over the years to get my life together volunteering for political causes and charitable ones and every single time something started to work out...bam, rug pulled out from under me and ended up further back than I ever was. I really really loved my ex with my whole heart and decided to make our relationship the thing I would focus on to give me hope for a future and inspire me to get myself together. Then to have my heart broken repeatedly and ultimately, then the door slammed in my face...it was just the last straw and I've hardly functioned since.
I am sooooo tired. I just want to all end. I pray and pray and pray for God to end my life. Today, as I was feeling so physically bad and having trouble breathing, I felt a glimmer of hope that maybe I'd have a massive heart attack and die. I know that's not healthy thinking. But that's truly the way I feel.
(((((shatteredhopes))))) That is terrible what happened to you in the workplace. I am so sorry.
I understand that thought of wanting God to take you in the night. It is one that I have often myself. It is hard work to stay here on this earth but we have to believe that if we keep working at it, things will improve. Any small things you can do day by day keep you going in the right direction. I am still glad you sent that email to the shelter and I hope you are not feeling bad about it. It didn't work out this time, but maybe it will later with this shelter, or maybe it will for something else. Don't stop trying to engage yourself.
Thinking of you often, Michele
I understand that thought of wanting God to take you in the night. It is one that I have often myself. It is hard work to stay here on this earth but we have to believe that if we keep working at it, things will improve. Any small things you can do day by day keep you going in the right direction. I am still glad you sent that email to the shelter and I hope you are not feeling bad about it. It didn't work out this time, but maybe it will later with this shelter, or maybe it will for something else. Don't stop trying to engage yourself.
Thinking of you often, Michele
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TackingIntoTheWind
- Posts: 1060
- Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2009 11:35 am
- Location: South Wales
Just wanted to say that (((( Mich )))) is soooooooo right, please don't stop trying to engage yourself with the world.
I remain convinced, despite a certain amount of disillusionment with certain people and organisations, ( Sigh ), that to fully be the human beings that we can be, and need to be, we need to engage with our fellow human beings. ( Although, I can, at least sometimes, understand the point of view of whoever said: " I love Humanity, it's people I can't stand! " )
We all need to engage with the world. And, when it comes to the caring, socially-conscious, insightful, intelligent and creative person that it is obvious from your posts that you are, the world also needs people like you to engage with it.
I'm not particularly optimistic about the coming British General Election. I don't have all that much trust or affection for the present Labour government, the Conservatives would be the party for me, ( But, only if I was waaaaaaaaaaaay richer than I am!!!! ), and I have a sinking feeling that we're going to be stuck with one or the other. ( Depending on which group of voters, Labour or Conservative, turn out to be the least apathetic, and actually get round to voting. )
Still, I'm going to be voting for the Liberal Democrats, I presently have a Liberal Democrat Member of Parliament where I live, and that's better than having a Labour or Conservative MP. ( She's also quite young and fairly cute. What can I say? I'm a man, we're shallow! )
I'm not hugely optimistic about the government we'll end up with after the election, but if I don't vote, things won't get any better, will they?
So, please stay with us (((( shatteredhopes ))))!!!!
(((( Mich )))) is right, ( Again. ) when she says to do any small thing that you can do day by day to keep yourself moving in the right direction.
Please take care of yourself!
I remain convinced, despite a certain amount of disillusionment with certain people and organisations, ( Sigh
), that to fully be the human beings that we can be, and need to be, we need to engage with our fellow human beings. ( Although, I can, at least sometimes, understand the point of view of whoever said: " I love Humanity, it's people I can't stand! " )
We all need to engage with the world. And, when it comes to the caring, socially-conscious, insightful, intelligent and creative person that it is obvious from your posts that you are, the world also needs people like you to engage with it.
I'm not particularly optimistic about the coming British General Election. I don't have all that much trust or affection for the present Labour government, the Conservatives would be the party for me, ( But, only if I was waaaaaaaaaaaay richer than I am!!!! ), and I have a sinking feeling that we're going to be stuck with one or the other. ( Depending on which group of voters, Labour or Conservative, turn out to be the least apathetic, and actually get round to voting.
)
Still, I'm going to be voting for the Liberal Democrats, I presently have a Liberal Democrat Member of Parliament where I live, and that's better than having a Labour or Conservative MP. ( She's also quite young and fairly cute. What can I say? I'm a man, we're shallow!
)
I'm not hugely optimistic about the government we'll end up with after the election, but if I don't vote, things won't get any better, will they?
So, please stay with us (((( shatteredhopes ))))!!!!
(((( Mich )))) is right, ( Again.
) when she says to do any small thing that you can do day by day to keep yourself moving in the right direction.
Please take care of yourself!
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shatteredhopes
- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
(((((((((Tacking))))))))) I highly suggest you volunteer for this cute young liberal democrat woman's campaign! You might get to 'engage' her!!!!!
Feeling a tad better today, hurting physically but emotionally slightly better. Just wish I could sleep a month and wake up and things be somehow better. I know its not the way it works, nor any big miracle that turns things around...and I can't seem to manage the slow steady progress thing as everything I do I backslide afterwards or it blows up in my face.
Anyway, thanks so much for the super kind words (((((((((Tacking))))))) and support (((((((((Mich)))))))).
Who knows when I'll be up to trying something again. I really don't want to exert effort as if I don't I won't risk failure or being hurt as much. Know that's a bad attitude, and do need to engage, just not up for anything right now.
Feeling a tad better today, hurting physically but emotionally slightly better. Just wish I could sleep a month and wake up and things be somehow better. I know its not the way it works, nor any big miracle that turns things around...and I can't seem to manage the slow steady progress thing as everything I do I backslide afterwards or it blows up in my face.
Anyway, thanks so much for the super kind words (((((((((Tacking))))))) and support (((((((((Mich)))))))).
Who knows when I'll be up to trying something again. I really don't want to exert effort as if I don't I won't risk failure or being hurt as much. Know that's a bad attitude, and do need to engage, just not up for anything right now.
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