My story (May be triggering)

[jkeller4000]

Well i think a lot of the problems i have are based on the fact i miss handled my parents deaths.

My mom died when i was 4, she had overian cancer. well but i was four so i don't really remeber anything. but my dad wasn't much help he always scolded crying, i now have a rather high pain tolerence. i have come to accept that getting upset about something hurting doesn't help the situation. which i guess is a bad thing, it also might be my suicidalness. i would rather be dead than alive most of the time. their are only two types of thoughts that go through my head. one my dad taught stricktly. do what your supposed to do. i do things because i am supposed to do them. like pay attention in class. drive properly, all thoes kinda things buying groceryies to eat. but when ever i cannot think of what i am supposed to be doing i think of ways to kill myself.
3 grade i tried to drink chemicals from the bathroom to kill myself it failed,
5 grade i tried running away, 7 grade i succedded in getting 50 miles away i bike that whole distance and am proud of it but i also thought several time to just sit down and die. in highschool i walked to school everyday and when it was cold out i though about just laying in the snow until i froze. in the spring and fall i would dream about tripping on the side walk to fall in front of a car. i have alwasy thought of ways to kill my self. i don't think it is any big deal because when i do kill myself i don't need to worry about trying to kill myself.

I do not see my self as depressd though. because i can get done what needs to be done. it was my father was very physically abusive and so i have gotten it engrained in me that if i don't do what neeeds to be done i will be hurt. i fear pain. i guess thats my biggest phobia the fear of pain. but when i am in pain i am ok. just fearing future pain.

ohh and my dad died when i was in 6 grade. and my dad had gotten married in 3 grade. so their was this custdy battle with my uncle and steo mom and grandparents. i am currently with my grandparents, but everyone told bad things about the other one. so i now do not trust my family. and have no one to turn to. i did have a girlfriend but when i told her i was depreesed and suicidal she broke up with me. we were together for 3 years and had plans on getting married and having a family. but nope if i had a problem she would not be with me. well when we broke up i tried killing my self. it got me in a hospital. and whne i got the bill i tried to ill myself. the whole bag over your head, and trying to take 50 200mg caffine pills. damn me bieng healthy and not havign a heart attack with so much caffine.

I will say again becaus i know someone will probably say i should see a doctor. if my problems ever got to hard for me to handle i could just kill myself and then they wouldn't be their anymore, i love this way of thinking. so none of my problems will ever be too much for me. i know all my problems will be gone as soon as i kill myself. so i always have that door to open if i need to and i find comfort in having that door. it is like some people can go talk to someone when they are overwhelmed. i just think about killing myself. i know one day i might succeed and that would be very sad.

so maybe i am not depressed i am just using suicide as my stress reliever. ohh i even tried to not eat for a month i stopped after two days. would someone consider not eating because the person is trying to kill themselves, a loss of appetite?

[Tiadore]

my, you have been through alot so far (((hugs)))

i was depressed as a teenager, i didnt recognise it, just wanted to die, tried several times until i caused damage to myself. getting it wrong and surviving can screw you up. then you learn to live the rollercoaster.

your love, support and guidance was stop at an early age, so the ways you have for coping and feeling are very much black and white.

did you grieve for your loss'? and i can understand the trust issues you have that have been inflicted on you by others. love and trust is a huge part of growing up and with finding ourselves and others, when we dont have those basic tools life becomes hidden and then the darkness can creep in and the rollercoaster begins.

tc x

[jkeller4000]

For my fathers death i know i did not grieve. he would not have wanted me to waste time thinking about his death. i am not sure about my mother i was too young i don't think i would have known what was going on so their would have been no need for me to grieve losing her. but maybe since i have been thinking about them more recently maybe i am starting the grieving process now. i don't really know. maybe i was just in denial for most of my life. i would not accept the fact that they are gone. its like i know they are gone but i don't really believe they are gone. because i would always make jokes that i don't have parents. i don't have anyone to punish me. every child wishes their parents were dead sometime. and mine are dead so i get what most children wanted at some point. but i don't know how important this whole grieving process is and i think that some people will say it comes naturally their is nothing i can do to speed it up. so why should i even care about it. it is out of my control.
I still some times wonder if i am depressed can someone be suicidal without being depressed?

[Tiadore]

you bring up some interesting points of what you dont understand, or understand how to feel. as children we learn through guidance, if you take that guidance away we learn with the things we feel and recognise in a childlike fashion.

you had experienced a loss of a parent at an early age which even if you cant remember would of changed your life and how things went forward from that point on. then again the same thing happened afew years on.

imo death to you was- one minute they are here, next they are gone- hence why you feel they are away from you but not dead. like when you writ if my problems ever got to hard for me to handle i could just kill myself and then they wouldn't be their anymore, i love this way of thinking
here one minute gone the next or start-finish but no middle

grieving is very important but when grief has been shut away for so long it needs to be handled gently.
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