Cosmic Cat Play (Triggering Material)

[lisalou]

I am very sick these days my love so cant write much but just wanted to say hi and that i am thinking of you

Lisa xx

[mamasam]

(((((((((((((((((shattered)))))))))))))))) You are such a dear, dear person.... to experience the things you have yet still be so concerned with the well being of others and to have such high hopes for people whom you really do not know is amazing. That takes a very special kind of person....Please do not discount yourself, EVER. Your words and Crystals too, have saved me many, many times since i have came to this forum! Reading thru several posts, it is not just me you have saved....love yourself for you are sooo full of the very thing you so desire!!!! LOVE!!!!
To have gone thru what you have and having the courage to get the H___ out of it....girl thats courage beyond saying! With that strength, if you focus on it, you can move mountains...I believe in you, you are an inspiration!

[Mich]

((((((shatteredhopes)))))) It's now Wednesday morning and I am wondering how you are doing.

[xn728]

hey ((((((((((sister))))))))),,ive not been around much and i havent been following your posts ,,I looked today and i feel like a right pillock ,,ive let you down in your time of need ,and for this this i hope the visitor turns the heat up on me , words cant describe the pain im feeling for seeing how things are for you ,im having trouble finding my words just lately and
im sorry ive not been around ,im reaching out to touch you now ,and i hope i can find you in the darkness that surrounds you ,,when i find you i shall carry you to safety ,were you can rest ,and pherhaps try and see past this turmoil your in at the moment ,you know i care for you as i do all my freinds ,please hear me calling out in the darkness so i may find you ,and give you some comfort ,please take care shatteredhopes ,dont think of destroying yourself ,its easy for me to say ,but you will recover from this ,it will be painful and the journey forward wont be easy ,but its one you must make ,,and im sure i speak for all of us here please let us walk with you and carry some of that pain ,,hugs ((((((((((shatteredhopes )))))))))),,,,love ken xxx

[crystalgaze]

Just a thinking of you S-hopes!!!

[xn728]

Morning (((((sister))))),,just wanted to say hi ,,keep going my dear freind
hugs (((((shatteredhopes)))))),,,love ken xx

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((((((lisalou, mich, crystal))))))))))) (((((((((((mamasam)))))))))) thanks so much for your really kind, supportive words ((((((((((((((ken)))))))))))) I'm that way too, can't reach out to others sometimes when I am in my deepest darkness.

I am almost afraid to post, afraid I will end up violating site rules and get banned, and given I can't get therapy, this site is all I really have. The darkness is overwhelming. I feel like such a failure and that my life is so meaningless in the vast scheme of things and what little 'good' I've done really doesn't amount to much. I hurt so much. I am just tired of hurting and so wish there was something I could do to alleviate some of the pain and sorrow. I see no hope. I don't even want to try anything anymore. I am just hanging on out of obligation to my mother. Without some kind of treatment or something to look forward to and realistically hope for, I don't know how things can get any better. But they can always get worse. This much from experience I know well. I've just lost everything I truly loved except my mom, and I know she isn't much longer for this world. The grief is all-consuming. I don't know how people go on after tremendous loss and trauma, or why.

I don't want to write my novel or the other books. I really don't anymore. I just barely get through the days. I can't hardly stand things I used to like, like music or television or movies or politics and world policy. Can't concentrate long enough to read. I only want to sleep and have trouble sleeping sometimes and sometimes its escape and sometimes have bad dreams that make me worse.

The hopsital is out of the question right now, either I go where I was traumatized, go where I won't get any real treatment just be locked up with nothing to do and not even the basic freedom I have now, or go if they even accept my insurance to a hospital far from here that will be super expensive in terms of co-pays and put me much, much further into debt (and my huge amount of debt is already stressing me out way too much).

I wish I still believed in miracles.

[xn728]

even im lost for words sister ,your greif is just overwhelming you ,why do you go on you ask ,,theres nothing for you in givin up ,it is an empty cold world ,were you will walk lost forever ,maybe you feel like that now ,but believe me it will get better ,ok it may take a while but you will love again
and you will write again ,these things are locked inside you by loss and pain ,one day without warning your lovely words will touch paper again
your hands will alert your eyes your eyes will see ,,then your mouth will break a smile again ,,your heart will beat loudly in your chest ,and you will take a large intake of breath and you will once again feel alive ,the shackles of greif will turn to dust and fall to the floor ,and the winds of time will blow them swiftly away ,and once again ,your feelings and kindness will flow through your body and into your fingers ,and you will lay down those words you crave so much ,you are to kind to suffer for long ,look behind you ,go on turn around now and see what has gone before ,such kind words that have lifted me and many others so many times when we have been in need ,you cannot fall sister so many hands hold you aloft here you may bend but we will not allow you to break ,,now stand up and talk no more of giving up you are far to loved to lay broken like a lost doll ,you will never be anything other than a wonderful person ,,i will take your pain and carry it to a place so far away it will never reach you again ,now you close your eyes shatteredhopes and look with your mind ,and you will find what you need to walk on ,,now come lets walk together ,,,,hugs (((((shatteredhopes ))))),,,,lots of love ken xxx

[shatteredhopes]

Thanks so much (((((((((((brother Ken)))))))))))))))

My dream was to go into the ministry. I felt called, I felt led, I remember leaving one of my 12 step meetings one night feeling so spirtual that I cried in a good way with how much I loved, completely overwhelmed with love for, God. I had a plan, and a message I felt confident was from God.

Life experiences, but especially the voices I heard for that year based on what they said, destroyed my faith bit by bit. Some might view it as a testing, if it was, I failed.

Now my former faith seems like delusion. My plans and message simply grandiose. I chalk it all up to mental illness. And I am left broken, no real faith to comfort me, no dreams for the future, no hope.

[xn728]

YOU MUST HAVE HOPE ,,reach deep inside yourself and you will find it ,,your blinded by pain and ,,,you will go on ,to give up would leave you lost forever ,and you cannot be lost when so many reach out and hold you ,,we will never let loose that grip till we are certain you are back were you belong ,,safetly thinking straight with your freinds ,,we love you
always thinking of you ,,,hugs (((((sister))))),,,lots of love ken xxx

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((Ken))))))))) thanks for your support brother.

My days are so empty. I cannot stand television hardly, too many triggers. Mostly I just stay in the bed. Can't read, can't concentrate and no interest. I just think. Reflect on my life, but no answers come. Sometimes I am beyond tears, sometimes I just burst into tears. Don't know what I can hope for and really don't want to go on, but feel obligated to my mom. Don't know how I can manage to change right now, so depressed and no motivation for anything, no extra money to get out and do stuff, no friends to call anymore, don't even want to be around people or leave the house anyway. Want to drink so badly to dull pain, but know that would ultimately make things far worse.

Past month was the anniversary of my miscarriage too. I remember the little hands, folded in repose, the mouth the nose...the little face. Seeing my dead little baby, recognizing it wasn't just a group of cells as I had thought...scarring.

When I was 14 I had a secret abortion because I was afraid my parents would make marry the one who was abusing me...like a rabbit caught in a leghold trap chewing off its foot.

At 17, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, we had a big fight and broke up and I was pregnant. I took every single pill in the house, woke up in hospital...pediatrician said no way baby would be normal, had abortion.

Before I was to be married, I went to have another abortion (we thought my ex-husband was sterile)...I was atheist and thought it was just a bunch of cells and didn't mean anything...until I was the last one left in the clinic that day, and laying on the table waiting for the doctor, I felt the heartbeat...what I later learned is "fluttering"...it was rapid, and I, an atheist, prayed, God if you exist, if there is anything out there, get me out of this...the doctor came in examined me and said I wasn't pregnant, I had a cyst. Relieved, we left the clinic. A week before my wedding I was watching the Wizard of Oz and started feeling the worst pain I had ever felt...then the blood, someone took me to the emergency room...that was my miscarriage.

It took a long time, a ministry abortion recovery program, and working the 12 steps for me to forgive myself. But I still freak out sometimes over pregnant women, babies, families...Post Abortion Syndrome/PTSD, funny you can have PTSD from something you did yourself...I drank for many years trying to erase the memories and deal with the guilt and sorrow.

We decided to look into adoption or fostering children...that's when we got involved with the children's home...they would give us a sense of family...then of course I suspected my ex-husband of abusing the girls, which everyone dismissed as my PTSD from what I had suffered.

After the divorce, my friends, my animals were my family, and I had my birth family. I was unusally attached to the animals given they were "my children." Lost them, the friends, most of my family...

The hospitalization where I lost almost all my fundamental human rights...

I guess I was looking at my ex-boyfriend and his three cats as my family. It gave me that sense of completeness, a future....something good after all I had lost and been through...light at the end of the tunnel, finally.

The contempt he showed in the way he handled dumping me...

Just these and other memories keep flooding over me...

[Mich]

(((((shatteredhopes)))))) I know I do not walk exactly in your shoes but I know the pain of which you speak. These demons of depression are the most horrible things. Ken has written you such lovely words....words that I cannot match and I am sorry that I cannot. If only I had the ability to say something really special to pull you out of this darkness, I would. But I have very few words and they are not eloquent. Please just know that you are not alone and there are so many here that need and want you on this earth. Please don't give up....this terrible pain will ease up; it will subside. Getting through it is so hard but I know you can do it. I know that deep down there is a fighter inside who wants to fight for a good life for herself. You are truly a good person and I know you can find happiness again. Please believe.

[xn728]

mich those words you have written to your (((sister))),are wonderful ,and you can write lovely things ,,just had to say that xxx,,,,,hey sister just
dropped in to say hello and let you know im thinking of you ,,this is very hard i know ,,a pain i have never felt but im sure from the way you write about it i can understand ,,please keep safe ,,it will grow less with time ,,and we will await your return to us ,,hugs (((((sister))))),,,lots of love ken xxx

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((((Mich)))))))))) you are truly an angel; (((((((((((((Ken))))))))))) thanks for your brotherly love and support.

One recurring nightmare I would have, my ex-husband was somehow out of prison, in my town where I live now, and volunteering for one of the many youth organizations around here...I would try to tell them he was a child molester, but no one would listen...just like when I was with him and suspected him of abusing the girls and no one would listen or investigate. When you are mentally ill, I learned, no one trusts anything you say you are just crazy, ignored for ad hominem reasons.

The hospital that mistreated me was run like a prison. They would punish people by restricting them to the unit, denying visitors and phone calls, denying even the right to attend group therapy, as well as the chance to go to the canteen or in the courtyard or to the cafeteria...and forced to use a dirty bathroom (not the main bathrooms) that the door wouldn't even close so you had to go with the door partially open, not that the nurses would pay any attention...I was being so traumatized by my experience I tried to drown myself in the tub, when I could not inhale sufficient water I walked back to the unit, soaking wet, where a nurse stripped me of my privileges for being "stupid" she said, and did not put me on suicide watch so I tried to use the tape from my wound dressing to adhere plastic from my tissue box to suffocate myself but could not get a seal...kept trying to kill myself that night...one woman who was totally out of it used to go in others rooms and steal and these two guys decided it would be funny to go in her room so they put on her bunny slippers and bathrobe and walked out in front of her...so they locked one guy up in solitary padded room with matress on the floor overnight and kicked the other out who had jail time pending, so he would have to go to jail without treatment. Then they punished that woman (who was as out of it as if late stage alzheimer's) by forcing her to sit in a chair outside the nurse's station for hours just to show people...she couldn't even comprehend but was crying because she couldn't understand why she couldn't get out of the chair. I shouldn't have taken a lawyer to get them to change my medicine when I was having a severe adverse reaction...the attorney general's office got involved in the final hearing of my human rights case and they engaged in a cover up saying they investigated the substantial portion of my claim already when they had not according to my lawyer. I know they didn't investigate because they would have needed my help to point out certain staff members that did things like throw my shoes at me. I learned when you are poor and mentally ill there is no such thing as justice and the "mental health" people can do anything they want to you and not be held to account because I guess if you are mentally ill you don't matter.

Despite all I put up with from my ex and all the love I showed him and as close as I thought we were, the harsh, cold way he ended it reminded me again, I don't matter.

I guess that's one reason I tried so hard to help others in different ways...I just wanted to matter. I feel like I will never be able to do anything significant in this life not because of me or my capabilities but because of the obstacles against me, the way reality seems to work, and because I will always be dismissed as just a crazy, poor person.

These are the thoughts tormenting me tonight...repeatedly especially over the last 5 years I have been reminded again and again, I don't matter, I am nothing, I am not worthy of good things.

[xn728]

You do matter a great deal ,,to me ,,to everyone on this forum ,,to people on the outside who you know ,your kind and careing ,,your words on here
mean lots to all the users ,,people comment all the time on the kind things you say ,your posts are very graphic and we can feel the pain you are telling us about ,,,stop bad mouthing yourself ,,(((((sister)))))),,we all do it when were down ,you will come through this ,i know that for sure ,and then you will brush yourself down and walk forward again ,,
and what will you have gained ,,nothing you say ,,,no you will have had another lesson in this harsh life we lead ,,but you will learn from it ,and maybe it may protect you in future ,,
im waiting to see the (((((sister))))),,i know so well return and she will ,,I remember talking to you not so long ago just breifly on the chat ,,and you sounded so happy ,but i missed you here on the forum ,,and then you returned here and it was warm again to have you around ,,i will hear you
sounding good again i know i will ,,and somewere inside stiffeled by pain there is a little peice of you that knows that to ,,,,hugs (((((sister )))))
lots of love ken xxx