here we go again, or do we?

[mamasam]

Well, it's Friday afternoon here...This is usually when my ex "gets out of the house". He is in court at the moment, but on his way back I know he will have to go by her house to pick up a document she has....This makes me feel like i cannot breath. I am trying to be patient and just let everything fall as it may, but this is mental torture. I don't know how much more i can honestly take. She is so mean and nasty ...yet he responds to it so well....I am just not that way. I keep telling myself that he gets what he deserves if he chooses her because eventually her true colors will show, but that does me no good now.I don't know what I am so afraid of. I am ok when I am alone, I reflect on my life, sometimes its very depressing, other times i smile. I try to push the saddness out of my mind yet the pit remains in my stomache. I cannot eat, I try because i know i have to and I am honestly withering away to nothing. I make myself get up and shower, sometimes i fix my hair and put on my makeup, it helps me to feel better at first. Then the depression sets in and i wonder what i just did all of that for....for who?? It's not enough to say me. It is eating me up because he has not answered my text when i asked if he were going to see her on his way home from court....then she is having a stupid passover dinner at her house tomorrow night!! she isn't even jewish! He is. She is so lame! She will stop at nothing to get him back and i don't know if i wanna live my life with me and him and her. He says she makes him feel so guilty and she does all of these nice things for him and spoils him....ok?????? of course she's doing that now...hello!! wake up you fool!!!!! I know he is comming into town on Sunday to spend passover with his family. I am pretty sure he will show up on my doorstep unless he does something so permanent with her that i'll refuse to see him. help help help, i feel like i am drowning

[shatteredhopes]

I know, its like breaking an addiction, leaving or losing someone you love. And we sometimes justify the pain of being with them as less severe than the pain of being without them...I have been there. I stood at the crossroads at several points and made the wrong choice, to give him yet another chance...if I had walked at those times, I wouldn't have been hurt as badly as I ultimately was. My life would be different today. Better, I am sure. Instead, the pain was the last straw for me in a long series of big, big hurts. I so regret not leaving when I had the strength at several points. What love can do...its perplexing.

Wishing you the strength to do what is best for you in the long run....the comfort to cope....the light of relief from self-love....you deserve so much better than he is giving you.

[mamasam]

You are so sweet ((((((shatteredhopes))))))) I agree. He just called to tell me he was on his way home, but yes he had to stop by her house to get those papers but he wouldn't be long and he would call me when he got home. I can't walk away now, I don't know if it's the promise of what could be with him...or am I scared to be alone...your absolutely right in saying I don't want to be without him! I have kicked myself sooo many times for not walking away and now I ache all over when I don't talk to him...He is like crack! I want a true love one that does all of the sweet loving things he does and treats me like a queen like he does, and YES the sex we have...all of the things we share in common...we LOVE to do the SAME things...I have never found anyone who has ever been into everything i am like he is... will i ever find another to atleast come close?The sheer thought of being without him ...i have trouble breathing, i do not sleep unless i fall asleep while he and i are on the phone late at night...seriously pathetic huh? I have felt so sick with a pit in my stomache that i've vomitted and oh god how i would rather have my arm cut off than to do that!!This man has become my total existance...If he were to go away, i would surely die inside.