Cosmic Cat Play (Triggering Material)

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((((Tacking))))))))) thanks so much for your kind reply. I am doing just that, trying to muddle through as best I can just get through the moment...It was so nice to come on here and find your reply, as I have been feeling soooo alone. This site helps me feel less alone. I cannot hardly watch TV (which used to be source of compansionship) because commercials and such too triggering right now, and all my music which used to comfort just brings back so many memories...too associated with things and times and people no longer in my life. I've lost nearly everything I love, some of which I can't even bring myself to post about yet, especially in the last 5 years it seems, even my dreams for my life. Wasn't getting sober supposed to make my life better? It did for a while, a good while, but then I have hit bottom in sobriety worse then I ever did in my drinking days.

My mom took me to get a can of gasoline and then followed me to the place not far away where I was to get my oil changed, then took me to lunch and gave me enough to fill my tank (which I can never afford to do!), then dropped me back off at the auto shop and I managed to get the oil changed (which was so low my engine was about to blow) and a new tire on my auto charge account, and a full tank of gas...running so far, knock on wood. Its a 94 model, and there's no way I could afford another even older used car, so hoping it holds up...my town doesn't have much in way of mass transit so without wheels, I'd be in big trouble. I was so grateful for my mom helping me out and just to be with her and she is doing her best to comfort me in the ways she knows how. We talked a bit about my dad, and how she was glad after retirement they moved here and what joy the later years of his life he had until he spiraled completely down, and how it was a blessing he passed in his sleep just before he had to move to yet another facility for being completely bed ridden and out of it...he could no longer speak the alzheimer's was so advanced. I know she misses him and maybe being supportive of me helps her too not feel so alone. But I do know how much she worries about me, so I try very hard to put on a happy or neutral face or at least not melt down in front of her.

I was able to cry again today, which sometimes helps as it is a little release; I recall a therapist saying when you are beyond tears you are in a real danger point, so feel at least having a tearful day I am better than I was yesterday, when all I could think of was how to end my life.

Thanks (((ALL))) who read and respond. You are keeping me going and are the only ones I have to talk to now.

[Mich]

((((((((shatteredhopes))))))) I was so touched by your mother's kindness. Please keep hanging on day by day and know that we are here each day to support you. You mean so much to so many here.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((( Shattered ))))))))))))))))

Those moments with your mother are precious. Memories you will carry with you forever. Her love is there, can see that. So pleased she spent that time with, you talked about your father, life, things that needed to be shared.

Thank you for sharing, made me go into my memory files and relive some of the priceless memories of my mother. A sad but good feeling.

Warmie

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((Mich))))))))))(((((((((Warmie))))))))))) I am indeed very grateful for my mom's kindness to me, without which I could not have gone on the past few days. I feel so frustrated, a barking dog in the distance, children and happy couples on television...everywhere I go there are reminders of what I lost. I know I am supposed to focus on what I have left, so many would be grateful just to have one more day with their mom...I just hurt, grieve, and don't want to go on...but doing as (((((((Tacking)))))))) says just trying to muddle through the moment. Nothing seems to be comforting me anymore, not my old movies, not my hot cocoa, not my bubble baths...I so wish there was something I could take or be able to drink to dull the pain even for just a bit. Food doesn't taste particularly good...having to force myself to eat...I haven't brushed my hair in days...maybe if I just brush my hair and my teeth that will something to accomplish today.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((( Shattered )))))))))))))))))))))

The smallest accomplishment is always good. You are right focus on now, not the pass. The past will keep a hold on you that is hard to break.

I am one that would be grateful to be able to have just one more hour with my mother. There are times I can hear in my mind, her saying, "I love you honey" and can see that loving face and smile.

Cherish what you have, it can change so quickly.

((((((((((((((( Shattered ))))))))))))))) an extra warm hug, just cause.

Warmie

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((((Warmie))))))))) I wish I knew how to break the hold of the past on me and to make the memories stop flooding my mind and polluting my present. I do very much cherish my mom, but as she is all I really have left, I obsess and worry about the day I will lose her.

I realize my ex just didn't respect me, because I am not working which in the later part of our relationship he kept throwing in my face (although he says he meant in terms of I had more time than him as justification for why he wanted to spend less and less time with me), and that's why he treated me like dirt sometimes...maybe his new girlfriend has his respect so maybe it will work out, certainly he loves her more than he loved me which I can tell from the poetry he is writing to her. It speaks volumes.

I feel so worthless. I have really, really tried to makes contributions to the world, my nation, my state, and my community while being out of work and at the same time to find an avenue to get back to work for myself. Several times I was in consideration for jobs or even offered jobs but always something seemed to happen with my mental or physical health that got in the way (that cosmic cat play thing again...get so close then BAM rug pulled out from under me, circumstances changing and getting worse just as I think I've turned things around). Now I just don't even try or want to try. I can't even thoroughly clean my house. Just doing the dishes is a major feat. I feel so pathetic. No wonder my ex didn't want me. I don't want me. I just want to die. But, I don't want to hurt my sweet mother so I try to carry on put on a mask in front of her and just exist and suffer and muddle through the rest of the time, which is most of the time...

I just don't have hope anymore. I've tried so many times to get my life together and failed, now I just give up. I just want to die. That's all there is to it. I have no hope of things getting better anymore. Any hope I have managed over the last few months has just been delusional..."delusion of reprieve."

[TackingIntoTheWind]

As ever, I'm rather apprehensive about saying anything, because I truly don't want you to think that I'm minimising your feelings, and I wouldn't want you to think that I'm patronising you, because I'm REALLY not!
So, I hope that you'll forgive me if I return to some of the " well-worn themes " that help me to cope myself. ( Remember, I'm a minor bureaucrat, I'm ALLOWED to be irritating, repetitive and detail-obsessed! )
I'm soooooo far from being an expert at relationships, but I have a sinking feeling that the reason your ex treated you so badly had nothing to do with you being unemployed, it could simply be that he is the kind of person that treats people badly sometimes. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh towards him, but sometimes perhaps that is just the answer. The reason/s? that he didn't respect you may simply be his problem/s? not yours.
( I have to admit that if not cleaning the house is a criteria for any form of recovery, I'm in BIGGGGGGG trouble!!!! My home looks like there's been a bomb explosion in a bookshop! But, not as tidy.... )
Unemployment sucks, BIG TIME!!!! I've spent too many years on the dole, ( UK term for claiming unemployment benefits, for our US " cousins " ), to say anything different. But, whenever, I think of how far away one of my personal objectives may be, I comfort myself by telling myself the following: If something has happened, then it can happen again. If you've been close to a job before, then isn't it at least possible that it could happen again? And this time, might you not be sooo close to a job that you actually get it? I kept telling myself that when I was unemployed, and I did find a job. Maybe not much of a job, and maybe I'm no great shakes at it, but I am working.... ( OK, that's not much of a " Henry V " inspirational speech, but hey, I'm doing my best! )
And perhaps you're being just a little bit harsh on yourself, as far as your hope being " delusional " ? Hasn't whatever hope you may have had over the past few months served a real and useful purpose? The real and useful purpose of getting you THROUGH the past few months?
As ever, just a few thoughts, no pretence at " wisdom " , hope they help!
( PS. Any chance of being forgiven, if I venture the opinion/hope that I still suspect that you're stronger than you think, or even imagine? )
( PPS Still working on my brevity problem! Sigh! )

[Mich]

((((((shatteredhopes)))))) Your pain is deep....I am so sorry. But you have to keep going. This world needs you; your family needs you and we need you here. You are a bright spot in this troubled world with your kindness and desire to help others. I know you can find pleasure in your writing and volunteering once again. I know you can find employment once again (your cover letters must be awesome with your writing skills!!).
I would like to ask you to do one thing...I may be overstepping my bounds...but please, can you try your hardest to refrain from reading your ex's poetry any more. All this serves to do is torture you...no good comes from it at all. It keeps you locked in the past when you need to be living in the present. I know it hurts to have a relationship severed, but he was abusing you and it was not good for you. It was not your fault that things broke down; part of his abuse was making you feel small and unworthy. Can you consider the fact that maybe he was just not a nice person underneath it all and that's all there was to it. He just wanted to be mean. I really hope you can get to a place where you stop blaming yourself for this break-up.
I am sorry that your usual comforts are not working. I know how that is as my music now just feels intrusive rather than comforting. I brushed my hair and teeth today and it did help me to feel better. If you can do those things as your goal for today, I think it might help you too.
Please keep fighting this demon. Your life has so much potential and you are strong enough to reach for it...I know it. Thinking of you...Mich

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((Tacking)))))))) I so hope you are right that I have been close before and maybe next time it will all work out. I hope so. And somewhere in my head I know you are right, I should not let that abusive a**hole undermine my self worth. You know when depressed how self-worth goes out the window? That's what is happening and I am beating myself up for everything, but when I can force myself to look at things objectively and analytically like today, I see that I made a few mistakes here and there, but I was by no means to blame and he was abusive.

((((((((((Mich))))))))) You are so right I had been staying away from his poetry for a long time and then curiousity got me to check it out and it did indeed upset me greatly. He in posting it on the only site we are on together (when he is on tons of others) after he had just bought me a gold membership in the site for my birthday days before breaking up with me, he is either being intentionally cruel and taking pleasure in potentially hurting me or so callous and indifferent and insensitive to my feelings he is a selfish jerk!

Was doing kinda poorly this am and this afternoon helped my mom with her shopping and she bought me some groceries and we picked up a pizza to share. Something just about sitting in my mom's kitchen eating pizza comforted me so much and I am feeling a good bit better if only for the moment.

I was invited to a celebration thing on Saturday night, and kept thinking in my mind how I would not go. Then I got a personal email from someone telling me how important it was to go. I've been skipping things with the group lately I have been so down, so if there's any way I can manage it, I will force myself and go for a bit a least and try to socialize a little. I know I should and if I can manage it somehow, I am now going to plan on at least putting in an appearance. Ugggggg. Don't want to but isolating hurts me more in the long run I think. I have to get back out and as you say (((((((((Tacking))))))))) engage the world. I just don't like the world very much right now, it hasn't been kind to me. I just want to hide under the covers and not come out. But things are never gunna get better without some action on my part. No miracle is gunna fall from the sky to fix everything magically, I just have to make some effort. Don't want to, but tired of hurting so much and have to try to do some things differently.

Anyway, thanks both of you my friends, my family for being here for me with your support and caring. It is a lifeline!

[Mich]

((((((shatteredhopes)))))) You are sounding better in this post and I am thankful. I am proud of you for taking the step to go to the upcoming celebration on Saturday. It will probably be just what the doctor ordered...some interaction with friendly people. I hope today is a good one for you.

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((Mich))))))))) Had bad day, but not as bad as some have been. Almost got in fight with my mom over politics, but thankfully we halted the discussion. She got together with my sister today, and I was just thinking the few things I do for her my sister could do just as easily if I weren't here, as she works as college professor so has plenty of time. Got letter from ex best friend who betrayed my trust, annoyed me. Wish he would just leave me alone, which he said he would, so guess I'm gunna have to call him and clearly say I can no longer be your friend, please leave me alone. I don't hold a grudge against him, I just have to protect myself. I'm no longer giving people repeated chances to hurt me. Years ago we had a falling out that was his doing partly because he was ill at the time, but I took him back as a friend, and while he was good friend over the years, I can't and won't do it again after this last violation of my trust. I've just been hurt too much.

In that line of thinking, I seriously doubt I will go tomorrow night. I don't want to see fair weather friends and pretend everything is okay when it is just not. I don't want to meet new people and be confronted with the awkward question: What do you do? At least when I was doing volunteer work and writing I could say that, now I have nothing. I might just burst into tears if someone were to ask me. I'm just too fragile to be around people right now I think.

Too many setbacks over time, too many hurts and injustices, too many failures on my part...just don't see how I can ever heal, its just too much to get over...just hanging on for my mom today, but don't know how much longer I can do that.

[Mich]

((((((shatteredhopes))))) I truly understand when you say "it's just too much to get over" for I feel exactly the same way. I have often told my doctor that "I am broken into too many pieces". But we have to keep fighting and trying. I have read many stories where people have come back from tremendous trauma and reclaimed their lives. We can do this. Day by day we have to keep trying to do things to help ourselves and put ourselves in the right direction. It is so damn hard...I won't argue with that but I know it can be done. You are such a valuable person in this world. So intelligent, a great heart and a beacon of kindness. We need you in this world. I just know you have so much to give...in person and through your tremendous writing.
I know how you feel about attending this party tonight. I would feel the same way. If you don't feel you are up to it today, could you do something else...something uplifting? Could you take a walk in the fresh air? Have a hot chocolate at a coffee shop? I worry about you a lot. I want you to hang on for yourself and the knowledge that you can recover and lead a life that you love. Please don't give up the fight. Hang in there.

[shatteredhopes]

I didn't go last night. I am finding it harder and harder to cope. I was thinking of posting more of my story but don't know whether it would harm me more to write out it or be helpful. I don't want to try anymore. It either blows up in my face or doesn't lead to any progress and bad things happen afterwards that set me back. I just want to give up.

EDIT TO ADD: Feeling a little better emotionally this am although think I am getting sick, but may just be ongoing post-lyme problems. Got email from someone saying missed me at the event.

((((((((((Mich)))))))))) thank you so much for ongoing love, support, and friendship. I will try to maintain hope as long as I can today. I sometimes wake up okay or strong even only to deteriorate as the day goes on.

[shatteredhopes]

The sadness has been constant and difficult today, but not as overwhelming as some days. I just feel like giving up so much. I am barely hanging on...just existing from moment to moment, hour to hour...days pass and I accomplish nothing. It seems I have so little "okay" time where I can be even moderately productive lately everything around the house is piling up and the few things I thought I might do like a project with a few friends/acquaintances, my novel and another book...everything seems further and further away and like I don't even want to try anything anymore. The hurts and disappointments of the past cloud my present and my future. I just don't have any hope.

I may call the doctor tomorrow and ask if maybe the increased dose of wellbutrin is having a counter-productive effect and if I should cut back. It seems I have been significantly more depressed since about a week after I went up, although I was terribly upset when I went on the poetry site, I was deeply depressed before that.

I know I should get out more and socialize, I just don't want to. I would rather be lonely than hurt again. My mom invited me over for dinner and so I at least got out and got a good meal and had a little companionship. I am hurting so much already, I am just so afraid of being hurt again or more that I don't take risks. But, I know, unless I do take risks, nothing will get better...I'm stuck. I'm just plain stuck in this cycle of sorrow and memories and a seemingly doomed fate.

[Mich]

(((((shatteredhopes))))) I am stuck with you, sister. Somehow we have to get unstuck. Somehow we have to shift our focus away from the past and all the hurts. I wish I knew what the answer was aside from "keep on trying" and try to take a little step each day into the present and out of the past. I know how hard that is; I don't know why we hang on to the past so ferociously. It is not comforting....so why do we do it?
It makes me happy when you go out with your mother. I am happy that you are getting some love and some nourishment. Please hang on with me...I know that eventually we can find a way to let go of all that is hurting us.