Giving up hope

[danw1982]

Hi and thanks for taking the time to read this.

I'm currently going through a deep depression which is becoming a regular experience and found this forum and thought I would share my story and attempt to gain some advice from people who may have suffered with similar problems.

I'm 27 with a fairly decent job which does enough to pay the rent, have a small group of good friends and a very supportive family unit.

I am the sort of person who is flustered by practicaly nothing but when it comes to relationships I fall apart. Since the age of 16 when I had my first real girlfriend every single person I have been with has either lied or cheated on me and left me. I always put my heart and soul into my relationships, try and give my girlfriends their every need and fall in love very easily, and almost like clockwork get trampled on and heart broken repeatedly.

My reaction to these loses are far worse than my reaction to the loss of a loved one through death. I feel unwanted, unloved, used, stupid and meaningless.

I have just broken up with my girlfriend who was with me for 5 months. We were very strong and for the first time in my life I felt I had real stability. We told each other we loved each other daily and were trying for a baby. Then after 4 months her grandad passed and she fell apart. She has had a bad history of problems at home, her brother died at a young age and her family wasn't close and wern't there for her. A week after her grandads passing she began seeing people who wern't there, having conversations with them and slashed her wrists. When I found out I reacted badly and questioned why she would cut herself when I give her everything she needed to be happy. This was a mistake but due to my past I have become constantly paranoid about women as other than my mother I have never met a trust worthy one (I know there are some out there so please don't take that the wrong way if your female).

After our falling out we seemingly made up and she went out with her mum and I recieved a text telling me she loved me and missed me which eased my worry. The next day I saw her and we had fun watching videos and eating ice cream. I woke up the next morning for work, kissed her goodbye and told her I loved her.

That day she visited her gran, the partner of her passed grandad and I heard nothing from her all day so I took a trip to her house later to see if she was ok and was promptly told by her other gran who she lives with that she didn't want to see me. The next day I received a text saying she wanted time alone, and after a week of infrequent texts I got home from work on Sunday to find her stuff gone from my house and a note saying she wasn't ready for anything serious and that she never meant to hurt me. Since then I have heard nothing and she ignores my texts.

I accept she doesn't want to see me anymore but I have a thousand questions spinning round my head daily from the minute I wake up, about whether this is because of her mental illness (could she realise she made a mistake given time) or was it because she really did feel trapped, yet a week before she had been on the phone to my mum asking what romantic getaway i'd like for valentines? What also depresses me is the fact my last proper memory of her is sitting on my sofa whilst she cried and asked me how i'd feel if I was seeing people who wern't there.

I want to care for her and make sure she is ok but she doesn't want any contact and now seems happier than ever according to her facebook status updates (which I have now deleted as they just got me down too much)

Sorry for the long story but to sum up I feel completely pointless right now, knowing that someone who was so important to me vanished overnight and may never ever come into contact with me again, I feel like I have lost my best friend and all that matters and have no energy or drive. I havn't considered suicide but at the same time I don't see any point in carrying on without her.

Any advice much appreciated.

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((((dan))))))))) *hugs*

I found this forum shortly after my boyfriend whom I expected to spend the rest of my life with, suddenly and harshly dumped me. I was shocked, hurt, confused...already suffering depression, anxiety, and PTSD, this was a crippling blow for me. My ex too suffered mental illness, and I have ultimately concluded it was nothing I did, but his own sick, and maybe he just didn't truly love me as I loved him...

First, don't be too hard on yourself, blaming or thinking you could have done something different. Falling in love can put mental illnesses like depression on hold at first because of the joy of new love, but as it settles down into a more normal relationship, the depression can return in full force...mind you I am not a mental health professional, this is just what I have seen from experience. So likely at first your girlfriend was so happy in new love, but as time wore on her depression came back...maybe she felt unworthy of you, or was just so sick that she couldn't feel or accept love at that point.

Good for you that you deleted the facebook. I used to visit my ex's poetry site, but he was quickly posting love poetry to someone else, so it hurt me greatly....why hurt ourselves more than we are already hurting by checking on them? They dumped us, so we have to do the hard hard work of letting go. Time will help, but so too will a few things you can do for yourself as I learned in the book "How to Fall Out of Love" by Dr. Debra Phillips (I think her name is...). I can share some of these tips with you, but highly suggest you get the book (its inexpensive paperback); its not a panacea but helps A LOT.

First, thought stopping...take some time to make a list of memories, fantasies, goals, happy moments, wonderful positive thoughts that DO NOT involve her in any way shape or form or lead to thoughts of her. Imagine yourself hitting a home run in the world series, for instance, or whatever...when you start to think of her, yell "STOP" and force yourself to replace the thought with a positive thought from your list and concentrate on the other happy thought...this is really hard to do at first but with practice you can quickly master it. If you start doing this when you think of her, then do it every time you think of her, you will gradually think of her less and less...fewer thoughts equals less pain. That's one of the first things the book teaches...I won't go into more unless you want me to, highly suggest you just get the book...

I am in a position that I don't want to risk my heart again after being so badly hurt, but also want to have the courage someday to try again. You are so young, learn what you can from the mistakes you made in the relationship, what you would need to feel secure next go round, and dare to try again...the next one might last a lifetime. Use this time alone to reflect...write out a list of qualities you would like in your perfect partner and qualities you would like to have/develop in yourself to offer your partner. Use this time alone to work on yourself, enjoy being your own company and spending time with friends. Is there any project you can undertake to fill up some time, like learn to play an instrument, write a short story, whatever you may think you'll enjoy or may have always wanted to do. Maybe set some goals for yourself, fulfill yourself alone, and then let the love part take care of itself after you've worked on yourself and have healed.

That's what little experience I can offer...getting over lost love is sooooo difficult...you are right in that when someone dies its permanent and they didn't leave you, so you don't have the same rejection issues and wondering what they are doing now and hoping they'll 'come to their senses'...letting go is hard, and there's not an exact science, but these things I've found have really helped.

Plus, I post often here. I am sure people are sick of me talking about my ex, but it really helps me a great deal to talk about my issues, and lately I've been talking about my ex a lot less, and my other issues a lot more...healthier I think...working on me finally...

Anyway, welcome to the forums. I have found much support here and I am confident you will too!

Wishing you light and peace in your day...

[crystalgaze]

Welcome to the forum!

[danw1982]

Thankyou shatteredhopes, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond and give me some ideas on how to move forward.

I just feel hugely overwhelmed right now, particularly in the mornings. I feel like collapsing in a heap on the floor and just crying. For 30 seconds my head will tell me I need to try and get over it, then 30 seconds later I'll wonder if she's missing me at all, and the same debate continues all day along with thoughts about her possibly starting to see someone else which makes me feel sick inside. The fact that she ignores me now just makes me want her even more.

I moved into my home 6 months ago and started seeing her just a week after, so my house feels like hers as much as it does mine and every nook and cranny holds some kind of memory which haunt me. I have removed all reminders of her but it constantly feels like she watching over me, or about to walk through the door and smile at me and tell me how stupid she's been. I really really truly miss her and it's really really sad, infact i'm starting to break down a bit just writing this.

The stupid thing is I know everyone goes through break ups and has to deal with the same thing, my sister just divorced after 1 years marridge because her husband decided he didn't love her and wasn't ready for the commitment, but she has brushed it off in a couple of months and moved on, I wish I had the same strength but whilst she is 10 minutes drive away, and I could bump into her randomly I don't see a solution to this mental exhaustion.

[shatteredhopes]

Although I encourage you to start trying the thought-stopping as soon as possible...one thing that helps is to write things you want to say to her or how you are feeling...I did that and it helps, letters I would NEVER send, poetry, whatever...just 'bleed in ink'...

I too was baffled by my ex...we had just booked a flight for me to stay with him for a month, we were making plans, then bang...rug pulled out from under me out of no where...then within a month he was writing love poetry to someone else! He put me on ignore on this poetry site we were on together, so I couldn't contact him, and I am sure blocked my e-mail and phone number...the lack of closure and understanding was SOOOO hard...I know, it bites when you just don't know and have a million questions and don't know whether its permanent or not...one thing about that book...the process can be "reversed" if it works out that way, the techniques it teaches just help you move on and cope, but won't block you from getting back together if that should happen and you still want that, but mind you, by that time, if it should happen, you might feel differently about her for leaving you as she did, as in future you might be afraid it would happen again, and that permanently damage the relationship...as someone else in this forum says, sometimes people give us "the gift of good-bye"...I wish I had gotten out at the earliest warning signs with my ex before I got in so deeply and had my heart shattered...

Something like a break-up can lead to circumstantial/situational depression. Have you seen a doctor or therapist? Its possible being on a little anti-depressant for a short while might help, and a professional to talk to might be useful too, and help you figure out why you seem to be attracting women that end up hurting you so much if you feel its a pattern that needs to be broken...

*hugs* I know how that feels to think of them and miss them constantly...I really didn't know how to get through the holidays and sometimes those commercials of people in love or dating sites still really upset me, and I get little reminders a lot, but it will get easier with time, I know that's not much help now, but it will...meanwhile, please try to do the thought-stopping a bit...try to distract yourself...can you get some plants to put around the house, something new to take care of that will change your focus from her to something new in the house? Are there little nice things you enjoy you can do for yourself...me I enjoy hot cocoa and bubble baths...any little things you can do to comfort yourself here and there and find a smidgeon of pleasure without her?

[danw1982]

Thanks again for your reply, I like the idea of writing my thoughts down in the form of letters to her.

Strangely enough we broke up 2 weeks and 2 days ago, and the day after I found this forum she contacted me via text today asking how I was, nothing particularly nice but my spirits have been slightly lifted by the fact I know she doesn't dislike me for any unknown reasons. I replied a nice reply, asked how she was and how work was going. I'm worried that I'm getting my hopes up only for them to be dashed again when I don't hear anything for another few weeks.

Like you say, the fact that if things were to go back to before and i'd just spend all my time worrying about it happening again is a problem, trust is surely the most important thing in a relationship and although she didn't betray me, she left me hanging and in obvious pain and apparently didn't care although she had claimed to love me, which I believe she ment, all very confusing.

I purchased her tickets for a theatre performance of Wicked in London on Saturday as a valentines before we broke up and I asked her mum if she would take her still, yet another ray of hope for me that perhaps whilst she's sat there she will wish she was sat with me.

You asked about Dr's and yes I have seen one and have been prescibed 20mg of Citilopram daily which was upped to 40mg yesterday after I had a very rough weekend with it. He is also arranging some sessions with a local group so I talk through my problems. I did something similar last year when my girlfriend who had a gorgeous little girl who I was becoming like a dad to left me overnight to be with someone else and I lost my home and had to move in with my parents at the age of 26. Although I believed it had helped at the time I know now the only reason why I got over it so quickly was because I met someone else, and it's obvious to me and staring me in the face that my problems are more to do with my lack of self confidence and rejection issues causes by years of bad relationships.

I really appreciate your replies, they are very comforting right now, it's hard to talk to my mum or sister because my mum just gets upset and my sister is so strong her answers are just to forget her and move on.

Isn't it really really hard when you do really truly love someone, she's my lobster!

[crystalgaze]

Hi there again Dan.... (((((((((Dan!))))))))

You know, I read this over a few times & what I'd like to say is please don't beat yourself up about it anymore. I know, I know.... It's easier said than done.

Maybe you know this already, but it is possible that she:

(a) is hurt still (the mishap between you 2) [I've seen that when other people are told about things that happen in a relationship, sometimes the people listening encourage leaving.]

(b) is damaged/a wreck & can't quite cope properly right now (the seeing/hearing things that are not there, the mishap, etc.) You know her life better than I do....

(c) is a bit unstable because someone close to her died (her grandpa, from what you said)....

d) doesn't feel right staying with you when she feels the way she feels... (sometimes feelings of pointlessness, similar to how you are feeling right now maybe; worthlessness, etc. creep in & then she may feel bad or mad at herself/frustrated because she's not making the progress she wants to make or something like that.... (Did she work? Was she able to still keep working after she started feeling not so good?)

(e) probably couldn't face you for all that's happened; maybe she feels embarrassed, etc. (the attempt, mishap, falling apart, seeing things, her grief from her loved one's passing coupled with her feelings)

I don't know if any of this applies... but these were just my thoughts. I am not taking any one's side. I'm just saying maybe some of this came into play somewhere. You won't know unless you hear it from her, if she ever talks to you again.

You both need healing, so since you still love her, the best thing to do, in my opinion, is to wait.... Before dating any one new, try to sort out how you feel & get through it, as best as you can--because it won't be fair to you + the next person who comes into your life (even if it's your former girlfriend again).

I'm not a mental health professional, but I hope my post is useful to you.

[danw1982]

Hi Crystalgaze, thanks for your response.

I think it's quite possible that alot of what you suggested is true. At the time she needed me most my response was a selfish reaction to finding her wrist scars when I stormed out and I wouldn't blame her for feeling that she couldn't talk to me about her problems after that. I tried to explain why I reacted the way I did but know I messed up and feel bloody aweful because of it. Seeing her crying on my sofa and looking so vulnerable killed me because she is/was the most important thing in my life and I just want to wrap her up in cotton wool and make sure she has everything she needs.

Your right that I should give it time, I know if I think about it hard that the only way this will ever work is for her to realise in her own time that she was better off with me and come back because she wants to. Nothing I say or do can change how she feels in her heart, but I know we were so so happy together and it's frustrating thinking that it's all been forgotten about so quickly. I'm very hopeful that todays random contact meant she was thinking of me but another part of me thinks maybe she was just checking I was ok and nothing more.

Her mental state needs sorting as she was completely destroyed by her mourning, I image she felt about it like I feel now and it must have been horrible for her and probably still is. I guess she needs to deal with things her own way and then and only then may realise how happy I made her...

[crystalgaze]

You have a choice to make, right about now.... Read my post carefully....

You can give up & start the process of forgetting

or

You can try to rebuild.... start over.... (as friends, as something, just to make sure you stay in her mind)

I don't know if texts can be ignored all together by the recipient, so you don't even get them.... but why not text just for texting's sake?

Here's what I mean: No more apologizing or any of that.... If you all are good again.... Then that's when you get her an apology gift (flowers or whatever she likes but this is getting way ahead of ourselves). You'd have to use your discretion....

You probably know where she is staying, it's possible to send flowers there, but keep your distance still. It is a hard call because you could creep her out too with it... You see?

If you stick with texting, she may just text you back or call at some point.

Now, this will take you pulling yourself together. I know that's not easy, so this is why I said it's a big decision!

Text & don't expect any thing in return.... That's probably the hardest part right there, but the point of it will be to show her support...

"I hope you are doing ok today."

"Things may be hard, but just do your best!"

"Just sending get well wishes!"

"I hope you get better by the day."

"If you need me, I am here."

"If you are ever ready, why don't we start over?"

If she ever asks you stop, then stop. No more than 1 text per day or every other day or once a week. That's how I would do it.

I don't text, so I don't know if some of those messages are too long!

This is an extremely hard call, so think about it!

[sickheart]

I've seen people that weren't there and it was the scariest thing that's ever happened to me. Mine happened shortly after a few months of frequent drug use , including acid and ecstacy. At first, I wasn't sure if it was an after-effect of the drugs or from my extreme depression. Still not completely sure, but anyway. My boyfriend was fairly supportive during that time. At first, he thought it was just my "imagination" and that there was nothing really wrong. After the first couple times, he finally believed me. I would have never left him during that time because I was so afraid to be alone because I knew I would see people.

But maybe, she left you because she feels like she has too many problems that she doesn't want to drag you into. I've broken up with my boyfriend a nice few times because I felt like I wasn't good enough, that I didn't deserve him, that he deserved so much better than me, that my problems were stressing him out too much, etc. Maybe that's why she left.. because she felt like you deserved someone without problems like these. I'm not saying it's true. She deserved you, she seems like she has a beautiful personality. But with having depression, other mental illnesses and being a cutter (which I am as well) many of us feel like we are not good enough for other people. Sometimes we feel separated from society because of our mental problems.

I do hope that she comes back to you (if that is the right thing for both of you) and if not, then I hope that both of you move on and eventually find other people. I also wish wellness for your ex-girlfriend. Having hallucinations is scary and upsetting. And I hope she stops the self harm as soon as possible. I've been cutting for six years and the longer you're doing it, the harder it is to stop for good.