REASONS TO LIVE!

[shatteredhopes]

Just before my ex dumped me, I was planning a trip to go see him and spend his birthday with him, and was preparing a gift of a note book with artwork, inspiring messages and reasons for him to live that would be personal to him, for him to look at when he felt suicidal. I have noticed the popularity of (((((((((((Dande's)))))))))) post for instance of positive things that happened in our day...I thought it might be good for us to have a thread of reasons to live and things we enjoy or are grateful for or goals to inspire each other and look back on when we might feel suicidal or severely depressed. And we can keep adding to it when we feel up to it or come up with a new reason! I'll start...

1) My mom has been through so much and loves me in her own way, and I know it would hurt her if I ended my life. I always felt like she was ashamed of me, given I am divorced, mentally ill, not working, etc., especially compared to my other siblings successes. The other day she told me she was proud of me for hanging in there despite all I've been through and am going through, and it meant a lot. I also know she needs and appreciates my help with things like her grocery shopping so she is able to continue to live in her home. For all she's done for me throughout my life, I need to be around to help her.

2) I enjoy little things like hot cocoa, bubble baths, iced black chocolate truffle coffee, vanilla cigars, warm freshly baked cookies (I sooooo wanted an easy bake oven as a kid and wasn't allowed to have one so it fills a childhood fantasy when I bake), my mom's cooking and using her recipes, pizza, music, learning and new ideas, and most of all, when I can laugh and sometimes even joke around...that takes me out of my depression if only for a brief instant I taste joy again.

3) I went on a business trip to Massachusetts one time, and so wanted to go on a whale watch and further explore the area, but didn't have time. Its one place I always think I'd like to go back to and sightsee, plus I've always wanted to go to Ireland and Greece. Maybe someday I might have money to go and travel a little for fun, not work, but just fun.

4) I am so frustrated about not working, I want to earn money again and not die a failure. If I could earn enough money, I would like to fix up my house and take care of all needed repairs and make it really cozy and cute again, then I could actually feel comfortable inviting people over for dinner or to watch a game.

5) I want to make a difference with my life so as to leave the world somehow better than I found it, to make my life matter and to use it to do good, help others. While my dreams failed and died, I've come up with three ideas for improving, helping my community...when I'm up to it, I will pursue hopefully as I think all three would be tremendous.

6) I would like to finish my two unfinished books and finish the freelance articles that I've wanted to submit for publication.

7) When I can afford it, after cleaning my house, I am hoping to get a pair of little birds to care for and keep me company, and a betta fish possibly too.

If I ever have enough money, I feel like I am finally willing to open up in therapy and so might actually find some healing, and if I could afford pain medication, I know that would help a lot too.

9) Maybe someday I will meet someone and be willing to take a risk again on love, and might find someone to share the rest of my life with, and experience the joy of love again.

10) For all those who have hurt me, harmed me, traumatized me, my best revenge is finding some peace and healing. If I kill myself, they "win" so I should keep fighting the good fight just to defy them.

[xn728]

My reason to live ,,,to shelter Fran from the dark shadows that grow ,
more menacing as each day passes they darken her lungs and make each breath a labour ,to hold her tightly as she gasps for air ,,to rub her back gently to clear her lungs in the morning so she can carry on with the rest of her day ,,,to give her that look ,that she knows so we,ll that says without words ,,,dont fear my love ,i will not pass ,till your pain is finished ,,but when that day comes ,,we will make that final journey together ,,because like you i will be nothing without you by my side ,,,
hugs ,,ken xxxxx

[crystalgaze]

I don't have one currently. Perhaps, I am not ambitious enough.

(Well, this is coming from someone who has struggled & still struggles with a d-wish.

At least I am not harming myself or planning S--at least, not yet--& I have to say it that way because things that I didn't really think I would ever do have come to pass. I can be grateful for the small favors.)

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((((((Crystal)))))))))))) I came up with a few reasons for you...hopefully when you are having a better day, you can add to it!

1) You are so bright, bubbly, energetic the world would be a much dimmer place without your unique presence.

2) You continue to make a difference in other's lives every time you post support here...how do you know you haven't saved or won't save a life just by caring and offering a little support? What chain reaction would it therefore set off if you harmed yourself? I would miss you, and I know others would too...

3) You are young and vibrant, so you have time to look for something you feel passionate about and plenty of time to accomplish something with your life.

4) You are not working now, and that's hard, but when you do find a job it might be something you really, really love and improve your spirits tremendously. Dream a little about what sort of job you might like to eventually work...and what it would be like to not have to turn to your parents for money but to have plenty of money for mint tea or a new cool pair of pants or a dvd you really enjoy.

5) You have shelter, food, so much that so many in this world don't have, and freedom...it may be hard living with your parents, but you have a place to live and reasonably comfortable means of survival...as long as you have that, your basic needs taken care of, there is hope for almost anything...

6) You have improved before and can again! Life might be great a year from now...don't miss that opportunity!

7) No one knows for sure, what if we cut short what we were supposed to do or learn in this life, so we have to come back in more dire circumstances? Everyday presents learning opportunities and chances to discover new things about the world and things you enjoy! You are young and haven't explored enough of the world yet to leave it without missing risking out on something great!

I know its hard when you are hurting, but when you are having a better day, maybe you can dream a little about if you could do anything, what it might be? Is there a problem you might want to help solve in your community or nation or the world? For instance, over the internet you can join action networks for organizations you care about and sign petitions and such...those things DO make a difference. What about volunteering a little (great networking opportunity too!)? Do you like animals? Maybe one day you can get a puppy as they are a great source of unconditional love and support...you might experience true love, like ((((((((((Ken)))))))))))) and find a soulmate whom you could share your life with...are there things you can find enjoyment in sometimes like your walks, mint tea, the garden, whatever you like and might comfort you a little in the darkness? Can you put on some uplifting music and just dance?

Tomorrow could be a better day, a miracle might just come next week, hang in there...it would be a shame to end a life so young when there is much left in the world to do and see and be a part of...

Don't hesitate to call a crisis line if you need it! I know you shy away from doctors, but it might be worth a shot to try some meds (stronger than herbals) or get some counseling...you have hard circumstances right now, but that can all change and like you always tell others, you are in control...take the reigns and create your life!

Wishing you peace and light in your day...

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I've always loved stories. Stories help me to hope. Watching Kirk/Picard/Sisko/Janeway/Archer save the Federation against all odds, Buffy and " the Scoobies " fighting the good fight in Sunnydale, Mal Reynolds finding a reason to go on after losing so much after the Independents lost and the Alliance reigns apparently supreme.......
Reading the " urban fantasy stories of Charles DeLint, where magic can be found in even the most apparently drab urban environment.
Or, watching President Josiah Bartlet face a choice between expediency and principle, and seeing him choose principle.
I hope that this won't sound weird. But, in a way I suppose I think of these fictional characters as " mentors " almost.
Janeway wouldn't give up trying to get home, and by 6the Grace of God, neither will I.
It helps to think of my own life as a story. A story still unfolding, and I get to have a large influence over how it turns out.
And, perhaps, someday, I'll write stories of my own. Stories of hope and resilience that might help other people........

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Oh, and (((( crystalgaze ))))? Listen to (((( shatteredhope's )))) advice!
Don't make me come over there and nag you!!!! ( Now we Celts know how to nag! )

[crystalgaze]

Maybe one day I will say what has not been said yet.

Thank you all!

[darklight32]

1. strength
2. not to sadden my family
3. this world rules and I am in it
4. Having the choice of where should i go to
5. am a curious fellow
there's more i think just can't get into it

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((((tacking)))))))))) you are always so wise and inspirational in your supportive posts here, I know you would be GREAT as a writer of uplifting, hopeful stories...let your imagination soar and produce something remarkable like I know you are capable of...I love to watch movies for instance where people succeed against the odds, some true stories and some fiction, they help me so much when I am down...think how many people your stories or novels could help!!!!!!!

((((((((((((ken))))))))))))) so glad you are back my brother, you were missed!

((((((((((((crystal))))))))))) hang in there...we are rooting for you!

[xn728]

thankyou sister ,,not quite back yet but getting better ,,fingers crossed ,,
(((((onika))))),i told you everyone loves you ,,, and you always lift me ,,were all behind you sweets ,,everything we can give to help is yours
hugs ,love ken xxxxx

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((((darklight)))))))))) glad to see you posting again...have noticed you are a talented poet...abstract at times but evocative and meaningful verses...the world would be much poorer without expressive poetry like yours!

[EmmaliciouS]

Nice optimistic thread
Can't add to it, just wanted point it made me smile.. heh ^^

No reasons for me yet, i did use think 'cos i'm super babyish that immaturity was a good thing, ya know, like more unique 'cos i haven't grown up.
But yush, tis more a detriment nowadays :S
Will look for another reason, heh, i know what i live for which is for love.. wanna make someone really chuffed and smiley & have them make me super chuffed & smiley too, but i dunno that's a reason.

But yush, naff all other reasons & i can't stand life in general, is garbage. But when someone special is in your life it's all rosey and uber, i guess that's a reason to live.. to find someone special, or even a smidge as special as the one who went away
.. hell be piggin' grateful for a huggle, that'll do for reasoning >.<

[crystalgaze]

I am about to reveal myself. This is definitely a trigger. I want to thank you s-hopes & everyone for your kindness. You all are truly kind. Please don’t take this personally; I wanted to be honest with myself about how I feel, for once—instead of covering it all up like I almost always do.

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(((((((((((Crystal)))))))))))) I came up with a few reasons for you...hopefully when you are having a better day, you can add to it!

1) You are so bright, bubbly, energetic the world would be a much dimmer place without your unique presence.

My brightness is a façade…. I try to be upbeat because crying about what is bothering me all the time will not help. It is not because I am truly happy about anything. I have had a habit of being “happy” for no reason; it’s the silly side of myself I didn’t outgrow. (It probably keeps me partly sane.)

2) You continue to make a difference in other's lives every time you post support here...how do you know you haven't saved or won't save a life just by caring and offering a little support? What chain reaction would it therefore set off if you harmed yourself? I would miss you, and I know others would too...

Again, I try, but it is largely not reciprocal—at least it doesn’t appear that way to me. Support & caring do not come from an endless or infinite well for me.

3) You are young and vibrant, so you have time to look for something you feel passionate about and plenty of time to accomplish something with your life.

Youth has nothing to do with it for me. I feel my life is over & has been over for some time now, not just before suiciding but long before that & afterwards of course.

My “special abilities” have robbed me of my childhood & what true joy I would have had. I never fit in with my peers because I was more “mature” than them in my thoughts & outlook. I would rather not have been “mature”. I do not believe I will be able to recover it at this age. In my head, it’s just much too late. Now, I have to worry about work, money, & health insurance.

I “enjoyed” myself doing things like dancing when I was younger for normalcy. However, I danced to try to be balanced, which I did not achieve. (I don’t mind that I didn’t achieve it exactly.) It was something to do, to keep my mind off of the other stuff that I thought. It was a means of forgetting.

I started dancing when I was 2. It probably happened because I was bored having to sit with my parents when I wanted to be someplace else.

Having the sight that I have at my age is burdensome. Truly I feel like I am 40 or something. Also, I feel that suiciding has aged me in a way I didn’t anticipate. Go figure.

4) You are not working now, and that's hard, but when you do find a job it might be something you really, really love and improve your spirits tremendously. Dream a little about what sort of job you might like to eventually work...and what it would be like to not have to turn to your parents for money but to have plenty of money for mint tea or a new cool pair of pants or a dvd you really enjoy.

Not working doesn’t bother me too much. I would like to do something, but I am not sure exactly what that is. I have dreamt the dream many times but could never really think of something suitable enough for me that I could actually do too. (I may have to go back to school for it & then at my age, I don’t see that risk, going back to school & possibly failing at whatever it is. I don’t mind failure, but when everything rests on my succeeding, it’s troublesome. To me, you can only fail & not worry or not worry about failure when you have money--& even then, it STILL takes a calculated risk!)

I may have to create something…. but I do not have faith in the kind of business I had in mind being successful (economy & all). I’d also have to have funds to start out with, too.

With how I feel, I am ready to take a job being a janitor or something, just to get it over with at this point.

My most earnest of dreams have involved destruction, which I am still not sure I would be able to be successful at doing—being a sniper, assassin, or weapons specialist (a person who is skilled at using different kinds of weapons & bringing in destruction) with the military maybe.

I considered pyrotechnics at one point—doing light shows as I call it (from fireworks to arrangements for musicians/artists). However, it takes a good bit of science, which I am not really good at fortunately (?).

I remember when I was in my teens & I picked up piano—which I ended up discontinuing. It was pretty funny. My parents were upset with me for stopping my lessons, when they were unwilling to invest. They expected me to do well with a 31 key or other keyboard & I kept telling them that I would need something better, in order to continue.

(It was so maddening imagining where keys would be while trying to practice a song. )

That’s how it has been: being railed at for stopping something I was doing when I didn’t have the proper tools in the 1st place.

5) You have shelter, food, so much that so many in this world don't have, and freedom...it may be hard living with your parents, but you have a place to live and reasonably comfortable means of survival...as long as you have that, your basic needs taken care of, there is hope for almost anything...

Indeed, I am grateful for food & shelter. For the so much that so many don’t have, I would give it to them; I really would like to lead a less complicated life—a life with less stuff. I have lived that for all my life & that is part of why I struggle now. It is simply a HASSLE.

Have you seen my Tips for Disorganization + Cleaning thread? I would rather not have that hassle. Living with my parents is what it is. Do you know that I have to do almost everything? There are 7 rooms/areas + 4 areas in 1 large room. It is also an upstairs-downstairs house. Organizing it is a headache.

I am spearheading the movement for less stuff & better organization. It is ME & my 2 hands. There is no one to help me with it & there is ONLY one of me. My dad is not the same since he had his radiation treatments & my mother had surgery. Even without the surgery & her other issues, she would not lift a finger to help—just as she didn’t lift a finger to help when we moved--although a good bit of it is HER stuff. They are also up there in age, to boot.

I can’t really get anywhere because it is my parents stuff. They did not make any space for me or my brother ever. Until about a year or 2 ago, I kept everything in my room. (I think it’s about 9 x 12 tiles.) You put a bed, a dresser & desk in there + the space is GONE!

Since closet space is limited, I use 5 or 6 tier hangers to keep my clothes—everything from vests, to T-shirts to blouses to professional clothes to dressy clothes because there is no space. Again, I was railed at for getting the hangers to try to help myself.

The manga/graphic novels that I enjoyed? I have had to give up simply because there was no longer any space to keep them. This is not the 1st time I have given up something I actually liked, due to not having space.

Other clothes—winter clothes that I can’t use in the tropics—I keep because they can be so hard to acquire if I need them. I have about 2 seriously heavy & huge bins with just that in it. I may very well give them away soon.

6) You have improved before and can again! Life might be great a year from now...don't miss that opportunity!

This is very true.

There is a strange problem that I have & it’s that I am incapable of love. Every time love creeps in, I stifle it and destroy it without fail. If I am hurt in the least, I destroy it. I destroy it because people have not stood with me & in turn, I am not fit for people to stand with me any way. & as such, I keep them away from me.

I try my hardest not to have any kind of expectations, especially when it is not something that depends on me & even of myself, for knowing my true nature, I tend to shy away from thinking I would be truly happy one day. What is that any way?

7) No one knows for sure, what if we cut short what we were supposed to do or learn in this life, so we have to come back in more dire circumstances? Everyday presents learning opportunities and chances to discover new things about the world and things you enjoy! You are young and haven't explored enough of the world yet to leave it without missing risking out on something great!

I know its hard when you are hurting, but when you are having a better day, maybe you can dream a little about if you could do anything, what it might be? Is there a problem you might want to help solve in your community or nation or the world? For instance, over the internet you can join action networks for organizations you care about and sign petitions and such...those things DO make a difference. What about volunteering a little (great networking opportunity too!)? Do you like animals? Maybe one day you can get a puppy as they are a great source of unconditional love and support...you might experience true love, like ((((((((((Ken)))))))))))) and find a soulmate whom you could share your life with...are there things you can find enjoyment in sometimes like your walks, mint tea, the garden, whatever you like and might comfort you a little in the darkness? Can you put on some uplifting music and just dance?

Tomorrow could be a better day, a miracle might just come next week, hang in there...it would be a shame to end a life so young when there is much left in the world to do and see and be a part of...

Don't hesitate to call a crisis line if you need it! I know you shy away from doctors, but it might be worth a shot to try some meds (stronger than herbals) or get some counseling...you have hard circumstances right now, but that can all change and like you always tell others, you are in control...take the reigns and create your life!

Wishing you peace and light in your day...


Tomorrow could be a better day, but I know it won’t last. It will be taken away, as usual & I will fight for it, as usual.

Fighting is what it takes, but I am tired. I have created my life to a point. I am proud for fighting off this much thus far. I am happy with this much. I… regained myself for a spell. I am grateful with just that much.

Love, soulmate, children & all of that are not in the stars for me. I will destroy them without fail. I have been out to destroy myself for a while. I will be by myself, based on my personality, & it will be better that way. (There are just some people in the world, who are not meant to have those things for how they are; I am one of them.)

I have made no backup plan for anything. I don’t think we have any crises lines here, but I could be wrong. I'm not even in the least bit interested to find out at all. I may have to call Florida or some place in the States for that via an 800 # or something like that.

As for meds, pills are like a death sentence to me. I overdosed on prescription drugs already. I don’t even bother with herbs because it is too much work, imo. Counseling is probably doable, but really I can do that myself.

Suicide is pretty hard for me (not like that’s unique to me). I am actually sorry I don’t have the nerve to try again. The only thing stopping me is that I know I’ll screw it up & end up worse off than I currently am & that is not my intent. More pain & suffering is not my intent. NO WAY.

The death wish is also hard. I believe I said it before on the forum, but they have not gone any place. The death wish has crept right back up on me. It’s okay, though. Either way I am fine. I always said if I could give the rest of my life & youth to someone else who truly wanted to live & without all the garbage that affects me, I would do so in a heartbeat.

I like animals but am too Jekyll & Hyde to have any. I have not been able to do right really by any of the animals I’ve had thus far, but I tried. I really didn’t deserve them, & they didn’t deserve me as an owner. (I did not abuse them. I’m just saying I didn’t do what I should have done—like play with them more, pet them more, talk to them more, love them more, etc.)

I would not volunteer here, even if it meant saving my life. I am so hands off with this community. I really cannot see putting myself out for anyone here. After all that’s happened & that will happen in the future, due to my circumstances? OH, HELL NO! If they needed my help to live, I would not help them & vice versa. Furthermore, I do not WANT their help. They are the type of people who would give you poison--if not now, then later.

There is a particular reason I know the above to be true, even for the future, but I really don’t feel comfortable saying how I know here. It’s not clairvoyance or a voice. It is what I have seen & continue to see.

I have chosen this path. I don't do any thing about the chest pain because behind the mask, I wish it would kill me. One user commented about me being lost.... I guess that person is/was correct.

Karma has a way, doesn't it?

[xn728]

HEYYYYYYYYYYYY,,,YOU ((((((((((ONIKA)))))))))),,,we need your life and your love here ,,life was given to you because your a special person ,,
you have no need to think you havent done what you feel in life ,,your living it now ,,and things can change in that heartbeat ,you would be willing to give up ,,, ,I LOVE YOU,YOU HAVE SHOWN ME MUCH LOVE IN THE KIND THINGS YOU SAY TO ME ,,,AND I KNOW WITHOUT QUESTION THAT ALL OUR FREINDS HERE LOVE YOU ,,,,,AND SOULMATES ,YOUR SURROUNDED BY YOUR SOULMATES ,,,,WE LOVE YOU((((CRYSTALGAZE)))),,((((ONIKA))))),,YOU MUST NEVER LEAVE US ,AND YOU MUST NEVER GIVE UP YOUR LIFE ,,,YOU WOULD BREAK A THOASAND HEARTS ,,AND THE FORUM WOULD TURN DARK WITH GREIF
Hugs lots of love Ken xxxxxxxxxx,,

[crystalgaze]

((((( Ken ))))))), ((((((everyone))))))

I am better today; I usually bounce back the next day.

However, that is the darkness I live & I am glad for saying it, even though that is only part of it. I can throw that little bit away now, since keeping it with me isn't helping.

The d-wish & s-urges are particularly strong because that time of the month is coming.... I wish it would just get here or go away & leave me alone, taking the urges with it. Ai caramba!