My Quest for a Meaningful Life (possibly triggering)

[Mich]

yum...hot chocolate. I definitely have to get some of that today. It is so cold here.
I'm not sure what I would do about the friend. I might do as aim suggested and do one get together and see how it went. Maybe he will offer up a sincere apology for his actions.
I would like to see a good friend in your life....but only if it is good for you.
I am going to take your suggestion and get a movie. Under the Tuscan Sun is the one I haven't seen out of the ones you mentioned so I think I will try that one.
Take good care today. Keep fighting and know that you are being thought of.

[lisalou]

hiya shatteredhopes, sorry to hear things have been so tough. I'm really sorry i haven't been around much here for you.

really hope you can get those birds somehow,someday....it's a really peaceful experience sharing your life with an animal ( well, not so much when my cats are chasing up and down the hallway in the earky hours of the morning!!!) and I think it would really fullfil your lovely,caring side

hang on in there my friend. and keep on writing! I have got really back into my poetry again

lots of love,Lisa xxxx

[xn728]

HEY SISTER I HOPE YOU CAN FEEL A LITTLE BETTER SOON I HAVENT BEEN FOLLOWING THINGS VERY WELL BUT I LL SAY IM THINKING OF YOU AND YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I CARE ABOUT MY FREIND ,,REACH OUT (((((SISTER ))))),,YOU KNOW IM HERE ,,HUGS KEN XXX

[shatteredhopes]

(((((Amy)))))))) I envy your faith; life was more tolerable when I believed like you that things happen for a reason...now I just feel there is too much random, man's inhumanity to fellow man, too much that is just bad senseless suffering that some have to endure...many suffer much much more than me...just some unfortunate things and the unfairness of life. But thanks for your caring words and support!

((((((((Mich)))))))) Let me know how you like the Tuscan Sun movie! I am waiting on my former friend, maybe he will apologize but trust doesn't come easily for me anymore, and I've learned that sometimes when you give people second or third chances, you regret it...like looking back on my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, I wish I got out early on at the earliest warning signs, before I got in so deep and was hurt so badly, my life would be in a much different place.

(((((((lisalou))))))))) you have been missed! I am determined to get a pair of little birds...just first forcing myself to thoroughly clean the house, save some money for initial purchase and possible emergency vet care...so I don't know when but the thought keeps me going. When I was young a friend had a parakeet and I wanted one SO BADLY but my mom was afraid of birds...then when I was with my ex-husband, we rehabbed orphaned and injured wildlife, and I loved the birds...one time we had 40 baby birds in our home office...there was one blue jay I got really attached to, a year after his release, a blue jay landed on the perch on our back door with us standing right there under it. No ordinary wild bird would do that that close to humans...it was my favorite jay coming back to visit!

Well, I took a chance yesterday and revamped my op-ed for online publication at this site that ranks articles compared to others submitted in its catagory...the concept for this article was my big dream long ago, my "big idea"...so I had felt good when it took up 4/5 the newspaper page when published along with file photo on topic and editorial cartoon...got my courage up, revamped it, and published it. Last night it was ranked #12...I was glad it was in the top realm, but stupid me, was hoping it would be at the top...as this was my "big idea" my previous life's dream...I wanted some confirmation it was as good as I hoped it was...

This morning, I checked, and it moved up to #2!!!!!!! Ratings fluxuate and will likely go down again, but temporarily I am thrilled and even beat out a Ph.D. and others with more expertise on the subject!

Then, my sweetheart neighbor shoved the ice and snow off my walk this morning .

I am learning to bask in the moment. For all the suffering in my life, I no longer question good things or allow myself to worry too much about the bad thing that will happen next or the good being taken away...just learning to enjoy the moment when good things, once in awhile, come. The only downside is I want to write more now, but am a little too excited, therefore a paralyzing sort of anxious...so taken an ativan, trying to calm down a bit, maybe nap, then be inspired to do a bit for a little while...typical bi-polar...nothing or trying to compensate while a little "up" for all that I couldn't do when down...

Thanks again ((((((((ALL)))))))) for your support!

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((brother Ken))))))))) sorry didn't see your post until just now; maybe appeared while I was posting earlier...thanks for caring and so glad you are back...

Well, article dropped to #5, a little disappointing but still okay because for a moment I was #2 and believed in old dreams and my capacity to achieve things again if only for just that moment...and it felt good...

So I was encouraged and updated another article and appear to have improved my ranking on it, so hopefully get my writing credentials back so I can possible write some freelance articles and earn some much needed money...and I baked cookies to enjoy while I am snowed in...

Feel the down coming on again but fighting it, trying to think of little birds and the good feeling from earlier today...I feel ripped off being possibly bi-polar since my ups aren't usually very high or very long...just a whole lotta down lately, or just okay times...I just feel the sorrow under the surface trying to come up...its so frustrating...to feel briefly good and hopeful only to spiral down again...

Thanks ((((((((((ALL)))))))))))) for listening/reading...

[Mich]

Shatteredhopes - I am so happy for you re your articles. I can tell from your posts that you are a gifted writer and I am sure your articles are very interesting and insightful. It is so great when you are feeling well enough to do what you love to do. Please fight the current "down" that is coming on. Remember all the excellent advice you give about doing small things to help and how they can make a difference. It's wonderful that you baked up some cookies for yourself to enjoy. I need to think of something to do for myself today. Happy Monday!

[shatteredhopes]

I hate not working . I feel sometimes like I'm a burden to society and what little I give back in volunteering and such helps, but sometimes I still feel so worthless. I just want to die so much of the time. I suffered most of my life, and the last five years were especially brutal, and there's no reason to think things are going to get better in the near future. I know some of the things I should be doing to get back out in the world to try to turn things around, but just don't want to or can't seem to do it. I just want to crawl under the covers and hide and sleep and not wake up. I know that's a horrible way to think and I try to fight it, but sometimes the emotion just overwhelms me. With my ex, I finally thought of having a life again, moving out there with him, something to give life meaning again...the other day writing and when my article was at 2 I briefly fantasized about old dreams again...but fantasies aren't realistic and its not healthy for me to waste my time dreaming the impossible. I wish I could find something to hope for and shoot for again...I wish I knew what sort of work I could do to feel useful again...all the little things I do to comfort myself and make life more tolerable help, but I really just want my life to matter, to make a difference with my life, to have something to live for...something that gives this horrible painful life some meaning again.

I hate all the valentine's commercials with families and lovers. I long for all that I missed out on in life, and all I will never have, and all I've lost.

I'm just getting so down again.

[Mich]

((((Shatteredhopes)))) - your life has so much meaning. Think of all the comfort and hope you bring to people here....people who are struggling and have lost hope. You are always there with such wise words and words of comfort. That is so valuable, my friend. I think you would be so wonderful doing this "in person" for people who need guidance and hope. It saddens me that you have so much hope for others and yet none for yourself. You are gifted in so many ways.
Why have you given up on your dream? Is writing involved in your dream? I think you should pursue it. You are a talented, wonderful writer. You have a gift that not many have. Instead of thinking of your dream as the big final end stage, could you break it down into little pieces and go after the little pieces one by one?
You are a loving person who is needed on this earth. I know how hard it is, I really do, but I am hoping that today you find the strength to do something for yourself that will make you feel good. I also have things that I know I should be doing (like calling about the depression group in my area)...perhaps we could try together to take a step forward in this regard. How long has it been since you volunteered? Perhaps you could make a goal to get back there once in the next week or so? I know they would be delighted to see you again.
You are thought of and cared for.....Mich.

[dandelion]

((((((((((((( shatteredhopes )))))))))))))))

Just wanted to give you a hug, been thinking about you today friend

love
dandelion

[crystalgaze]

Hi s_hopes! ((((((( s_hopes)))))))))))))))))

Don't give up... If you must, turn off the TV! Valentine's used to bother me, but it doesn't any more. I view it as a day for universal/world love & a reminder to myself to allow love to flow through me, so I may be a better me.

I really do discard that couples stuff.... I don't plan on celebrating it this year, even though I may have more of a reason to do so (since I am with someone for now). It is probably temporary. Why celebrate it, when I know it will end? I'd like to continue doing things as I have done them when I was by myself.

I will refer you to Atheist's post: http://depression-understood.org/forum/ ... php?t=7633

He put up a great song that may help you through this time right now.

You may hate not working, but you have been trying. Go easy on yourself okay? Please? You can also try again. There's nothing that says you can't. Just don't limit yourself, by telling yourself you can't. YOU CAN, YOU CAN, YOU CAN, YOU CAN!

Just do your best! Whatever that is, it is good enough! I'm sure of it!

[shatteredhopes]

Tried to post and computer crashed...so here I go again...

You know those times when you don't feel suicidal per se, just don't want to live and wish your life would mercifully end? That's sadly now how I define my better days .

(((((((((Mich)))))))) thanks for your kind support. I have a volunteer project in mind and have spoken to a few people about it, just not up to it right now. Meanwhile, I am working on a piece to submit to the paper with a concept for economic development/education improvement/reducing community violence...maybe setting myself up for attack if I submit this and it gets published...oh well...

((((((((dande)))))))) thanks for the support friend. Its good to see you are doing better, as when one turns a corner we all cheer and have a little hope for ourselves too...

((((((((crystal)))))))) I like your idea of valentine's day so maybe I will swipe it and do something for Haiti or the food bank or something as my celebration of "true love"...

Well being snowed in was kinda cozy at first but now the heater has begun making noises and I am panicky because I cannot afford any repairs much less God forbid a whole new system...I have been draining the water from the boiler a bit at a time and turned the heat down to ease up the stress on the system...now hoping for the best. Starting to get a little stir crazy and miss having people to talk to on the phone...television and a daily 3 minute call to my mom are the only ways I hear a human voice anymore...its quite a pickle, I can't tolerate or trust people and don't want to be around anyone yet get lonely and don't want to be all alone...

So I am thankful for nonjudgemental friendship and support I receive here (((((((((((all))))))))))))...

[crystalgaze]

(((((((((((( s_hopes )))))))))))))))

You know, I wondered.... You talked about your neighbors... & you seemed to like them or be fond of some of them...

Would you want to try talking with them or visiting, so you are not as lonely? (Is that a good idea? e.g. like the sweetheart who shovels the snow for you?) ??

It's just a thought! Hang in there! You're doin' good!

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((crystal))))))))) its a good thought, but frankly right now the real issue is I don't want to take a risk on people...I've been hurt so badly, and when and if I do take a risk on someone, I know from experience best to be someone easier to eliminate from my life if need be, not someone who will remain there like a neighbor...I would rather feel lonely than sometimes than be hurt again like I have been...I know that's not healthy, but its the best I can do right now...

Anyway, thank you for brainstorming with me and trying to help and come up with solution! Much appreciated. *hugs*

[shatteredhopes]

Well finally got out today; ran errands, paid a couple of bills, then went to the grocery store...it was mobbed as we are expecting another snow storm moving in...then I got home and realized I forgot a key item so had to go back out in the madness at the grocer because by the time the storm clears away we are expecting another on its heels...uggggg. Anxiety plagued in all the running around, although good to see people again, when I first left the house it was all I could do to keep from crying, which I didn't want to do in public...

I fear losing power, as if I lose heat the pipes might freeze, which would be total disaster as I have no money for repairs...if the power outage happens, I guess I'll just keep all the outlets dripping and hope for the best...

I've been thinking of my ex a lot lately, sometimes angry at him and hating him, but occassionally I still miss him and hurt. I'm just so tired of hurting and being hurt. The last five years especially have been such a nightmare and just one bad thing after another...I just wish my life was over. Most of my life has been suffering, and I'm nearing 50, and I am so weary and tired of living. I am not suicidal, but do pray to God to end my life...I need that mercy...

[crystalgaze]

Now, now..... Easy there....! ((((((((((((((( s_hopes ))))))))))))))))))

You may have about 25 to 35 more years to live. That's some time for things to heal up + over & for you to come back out, if you are able.

There's nothing wrong with being a turtle & hiding in your shell, but even the turtle comes out at some point. Ya?

Hang in there lady! You did GOOD.... NOW, PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK FOR IT!

Just a thought about D.... don't wait around for it... Just live & it will come. It doesn't discriminate, so you don't need to worry about it or invoke it. It will come when it's ready.