Struggling!!!!

[mssgvs]

Well, of course this isn't the happiest post I'll ever do but that's the point here. I'm hoping maybe getting some of this out to a place where there may be someone who can identify might help me through this a little. I am going to make this a "long story short" deal because the actual details are not the important parts.
about three years ago I was going through some emotional crap that left me a friggin MESS!! I was angry and hateful and ultimately I sent one friend a nasty horrible letter and then significantly less nasty letters to a couple of other people saying I just didn't have the nerves to deal with what I was dealing with AND "friendship" issues.
Since that time I have made 3 slight attempts at apology to kinda check the water and never got any response. Each time it has thrown me into a depression but I eventually move past it. Over the past year I have been admitted to the hospital 8 times, been in the ER at least 20+ times. I struggle with pain on a daily basis, I am unable to work, and now last week the doctor informed me that I also have kidney cancer and will have to have surgery soon to "fix" that. There is good news in that and that is that the kidney cancer SHOULD be fixable with just the surgery. Good news!! ha! Anyway...
So... I'm struggling with so many emotions....depression is HUGE and anger and I started thinking about these people again. I wanted to try, one more time, to reach out to them...I'm one of those people that believes/knows that all good friendships/relationships go through their share of troubles. People screw up!! I did! And this time I really put a lot of heart into this apology... since I have no other contact, I had to do it through email, but I made it count. And I was sincere. And I opened myself up, something I try not to do I swear...
And... nothing. No replies or responses. And it is breaking my heart. I feel like such a LOSER!! Even sick... BEEN sick, never called or anything, but now, sick with cancer and I can't even get a "screw you!" I just never thought I was that horrible a person but after everything this past year, the cancer, my lack of friends or even people willing to see me as a fallible person but still worthy of their friendship!!
It's heartbreaking when you realize that you are a nobody

[xn728]

i cant talk about cancer ,i have my own reasons for that ,,but as for the apologies ,,i would let that go now ,,,and try and move on maybe if you become silent and dont contact them ,,they may miss you and realise what theyve lost ,,and maybe just maybe you may get a reply or some contact ,,all i can say here is welcome to the forum ,we all suffer differant pain here ,,,simaler but in differant ways ,,,it is a long road ,and having the added worry of the c, in your life wont be easy ,,all i can offer is that i will listen if you talk more ,,this is a great place here and i have many new freinds ,,and you will also ,,we will support you will kinds words and compassion were we can ,,,,this is a long journey we make together ,,if
if you should stumble ,reach out and we will catch your fall ,,welcome home,......hugs xn728xxx

[crystalgaze]

Perhaps there is some kind of support group that can help? It's just a thought I had while reading your post. Maybe the doctor(s) can point you in the direction to finding one?

Maybe there you will find new people you can be with or something like that.

-----------------------------

Sometimes people respond in their own time or even not at all.... Maybe they didn't even get the message, especially with how you can mark messages as spam & even block people these days.

It may not even be about you.... I wouldn't take it personally at all.... It is their choice. We all make errors & mistakes, so I would not kick myself for it. It happened.... (Aw, dang it! I goofed! That's how I look at things now. I'm not saying the same will work for you per se.)

Something like that happened to me once. I overreacted to something a friend did because I was hurt/annoyed/angered/embarrassed/humiliated/betrayed by it, but I really loved that girl. I lost her as a friend & that was just something I had to live with for the time being.

We went to the same school at 1 point again & I did see her. I had forgotten & nearly spoke to her. Then, I caught myself & didn't. She had changed a lot by then too, & I saw no point in rehashing any of it or attempting to try again.

I did like her, though! She was pretty cool! However, what happened probably happened for a reason.

Please do take care & go easy on yourself! Your health & state at this time is very important! Welcome to the forum & I hope things improve for you soon!

[hollyann]

Hi Welcome, you wont be alone here. And I know the friends here won't be the same as the ones you've had but you'll find understanding here. Good luck with the cancer. Wishing you the best.

hollyann

[mssgvs]

I'm still not 100% but I find my days get worse as they wear on and this one just started. My "introduction post" wasn't much besides what I was feeling at that moment last night but now I will at least fill you all in a little about me and my depression. Last night was just what is going on at the moment however I have struggled with SEVERE depression for YEARS AND YEARS!! I really wanted to point that out because after reading my post last night, etc... it sorta seemed wrong...like I was just someone depressed because my friends wont talk to me. But it's much more, and anyone here will know that. I have tried 80 different antidepressants, psychotics, whatevers... I actually have one that works ok but after my surgery LAST January(!) I haven't been able to stay faithful to taking them and I just KNOW that is contributing to me not being able to handle stresses right now (like these "friends") speaking of which... I might have gotten a bite from one of them last night so we'll see.
Someone gave the advice of leaving it alone and maybe they will start to miss me... etc... not a bad idea except for that I haven't actually spoken to or seen them in like 3 years so... we already know what that plan of action leaves me with... no friends!!! Coz it already did! lol...
Anyway, my point is that I didn't stumble into this website for people suffering with real and honest depression to cry about "my friends don't like me"... I'm a true sufferer it just so happened that what motivated me last night was that situation.
hope everyone is feeling ok today... trying to, at least

[xn728]

hi there my freind ,,never entered my head that you werent a true sufferer ,,,as i said ,we all suffer in differant ways ,,and the loss of freinds thru depression is something i know all to well ,,i desroyed my family ,,
and all my freinds thru this dark illness i carry ,,,so you suffer as do we
all ,,43 years myself a sufferer,,like you tryed all the pills ,,now lithium just keeps me stable ,,,,your welcome here my dear freind ,,i hope we can talk and
give you some understanding and support ,,,again welcome ,,hugs xn xxx