When I look back at my life so far it really should be no surprise that I have suffered from depression for much of my life.
I have never been abused or neglected in any way as some of you have been. However, I come from a long line of depressives and neurotics. If you wanted to breed a depressive, my family would be an excellent place to start. My grandmother suffered depression for many of her later years and attempted suicide a few times. My mother has battled depression for many years and has had a number of major depressions and break downs. My sister too has suffered depression for much of her life although she appears to be quite well at the moment.
I was born hyper sensitive and very shy. My earliest memories are of hiding when someone came to the door or relatives visited. I also had to be held back from school a year as the anxiety that I suffered as a result of attending made me sick. I started suffering depression when I was about 14 through to the age of 20. I than had a few good years until age 25-27 where I suffered a major depression that put me in hospital. Following antidepressants I recovered to the point where I suffered from a mild depression that lasted until age 31. This is where I discovered good nutrition, Omega 3, exercise etc. This seemed to null the depression to the point where I felt I'd completely recovered. However, I still remained neurotic which according to researchers is a very good marker for future episodes of depression. Right now after a few good years I am afraid that I maybe starting to see the signs of depression returning. Which is why I feel compelled to right about it here as I don’t want to discuss it with anyone else at this point.
With all of this in mind, it should be clear to me that I obviously have a biological disposition that has set me up for depression. I have spent the last 10 years reading every piece of research I can find on depression. I have done this in the hope of finding some insight into what it is that has caused me and my family so much pain as well as to safe guard myself against future episodes.
The biggest problem I have is that I blame myself for my depression. I tell myself that it is natural that I am depressed because of my dysfunctional behaviours and the humiliation that comes with them. In other words it’s more or less nature’s way of punishing me in an effort to force me to do the things that other people seem to do so effortlessly (girl friends, wives, marriage and kids all that stuff)
Recently I have read some new books written by some of the world’s foremost researchers on depression Kenneth Kendler and C. Prescott 'Genes Environment and Psychopathology' as well as Peter Kramers 'Against Depression'. Kendler was responsible for undertaking one of the worlds biggest ever twins studies in an effort to once and for all determine what causes depression.
What I found most relevant in his book was that neurotic (dysfunctional) behaviour appears to have genetic origins and is most likely caused by the same genes that cause depression. This means it’s not as Dr Phil and all the other psychoanalysts have it that people like me cause their depression because they are conflicted and behave poorly. It’s that the same genes that cause depression also cause a person to be dysfunctional. Eg marrying poorly, financial problems, conflict at work.
My main point is that the research carried out by Kendler's Virginia Twin Study basically means that I can’t help being dysfunctional and even if I did manage to attain some of the things that I want in life, this still won’t make me immune to depression because I’m predisposed.
Having read this you would think that this would be enough to stop me blaming myself, but it isn’t all the time. It appears even logic cant defeat my emotions.
Anyway I hope some of you get something out of all this. I will continue to fight it as I have done most of my life.
James
My story and Explanation
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Re: My story and Explanation
James101 wrote:When I look back at my life so far it really should be no surprise that I have suffered from depression for much of my life.
I have never been abused or neglected in any way as some of you have been. However, I come from a long line of depressives and neurotics. If you wanted to breed a depressive, my family would be an excellent place to start.
I was born hyper sensitive and very shy.
Right now after a few good years I am afraid that I maybe starting to see the signs of depression returning. Which is why I feel compelled to right about it here as I don’t want to discuss it with anyone else at this point.
The biggest problem I have is that I blame myself for my depression.
Hi James
Certain aspects of your post which I've quoted above lead me to believe we have quite a bit in common.
Thank you for mentioning those books, I'll be interested to read them. I have some knowledge of twin studies from learning Psychology, although that was a few years ago, so it would be interesting to pick up some more information.
I hope you will be able to continue fighting, and although I'm only new here myself, it seems like a great bunch of people to help you do that.
Jill
Further Reading
I's recommend reading the 'Against Depression' book first, its a much easier read and summarises everything that I mentioned.
James
James
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