Alone

[Mich]

Everyone in my family is out living their lives right now...except me sitting here paralyzed by depression and unable to go out and participate in anything. I have no life. I have no friends. I cannot learn to love myself....I just cannot. The hatred runs too deep. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am merely stating the facts. People don't like me. It's a terrible existence and I don't know what keeps me here. The hurts in my past are too terrible to dismiss and too painful to forget. I am trapped in my life as a young child. The young child who lived in fear, who chewed her nails and wet her pants. The girl who was not accepted. The girl who was not pretty and who no one wanted. I am stuck as her and I cannot move on.

[xn728]

mich my dear mich ,of course we like you ,like all my freinds mich i hold you dear ,why dont you let that little girl go free mich ,she wants only to remain within your warm heart mich ,she doesnt wish to trap you ,i bet she is pretty ,come on ,she doent want to leave you and be alone ,show her to that warm place mich ,were she can finally rest ,and sleep peacefully and be unafraid as my russ does within me ,i blamed him at first ,and then i realised it wasnt his fault ,so i let him into my heart ,away from the visitor away from that cold hand that took his life away ,she needs to go home mich shes tired and her pain must end ,and when it does she will be happy ,you can reach inside yourself in times of darkness and go to her there ,she will not wake ,but as you cuddle close to her ,she as you will feel comfort as you lay safe in the darkness ,
take her home to your heart and soul mich ,were she will feel only warmth
and safety ,let her know she will feel no more pain,stay with her as she drifts off into that endless sleep ,and your pain will ease a little ,she will dream only happy things ,and the darkness will no longer be able to reach her ,i cry now as i think of mich the little girl ,,,and am reminded of
russ ,who when i sleep tonight i must visit ,and let him feel the warmth
he craved for so much as a child but never got , let her sleep mich you can visit her anytime you like .she never had that childhood like russ
let her have it now ,,and you give her the love she may not have had ,
i bet she was and still is beuitiful. oh and as for not haveing any freinds ,mich you have lots of freinds who think the world of you and love you ,and hate to see you suffer this way ,,,,,,hugs to both of you ken xxx

goodnight mich hope your ok ,,,,kenxxx

[lisalou]

Until you are able to love yourself, I will love you. Pretend you are here with me in my little flat in Brighton, it is warm and there are yellow roses on the table, a light shaped like a christmas tree, music playing and three cats sprawled out on the sofas in various attitudes of relaxation! I will make you a cup of camomile honey and vanilla tea which is sweet and soothing and serve it in the mug that is rainbow-striped and very yppah! you can snuggle up in one of the furry blankets and you don't need to talk or do anything other than just be.

From your little sister in England, Lisa xxxx

[Misty]

((((Mich))))
You are so right in not being able to forget the pains of the past but you can forgive yourself for any guilt if you were blamed for things that happened or if you blame yourself for them. I know that feeling all to well but here i have found the courage to confront it and you can too. Families can be so hurtful to each other but we have a different kind of family here that lends and ear, offers arms of comfort and does NOT judge. You have a compassionate heart and i know this from posts you have sent to me. Compassion in this world is lacking and being in that category makes you more of a target to be hurt. At least here you have people that truly care. Have faith that this year will be better.

Be good to yourself & never forget we are here for you,
Misty

[shatteredhopes]

It is hard when so much childhood trauma marrs our self-image and adult life. I don't mean to sound trite or trivial, but i have some suggestions from personal experience that might be helpful...

1) Working a 12 step program on myself (which can be adapted to almost anything, including self-harm actions and anorexia) helped me build a more positive self-image and learn to love myself. I don't always like myself, but when i don't there's usually a reason and once I can idenfity it i can work on changing it, or at least my attitude....first, you are powerless over the awful way in which you are treated and your self-image has become harmful...second...believe that you can be restored to wholeness...third...turn your will over to a power greater than yourself, even if its your therapy and support on this forum...fourth...a moral inventory of ourselves the GOOD things as well as the bad that we need to change...etc. when i worked the 12 steps i learned i was not the terrible person i thought i was, a flawed and defective person, yes, but i can work on that today...when i made amends whereever possible for wrongs i had done, i found a lot of healing...in fact, working and re-working the 12 steps while i doesn't heal my mental illness entirely, has helped me far more than therapy or medication or anything the mental health profession ever did for me.

2) In reading my book about how to fall out of love, it said rejection does a number on our self-esteem and we need to rebuild that starting with listing postive things about ourselves every single day...you can do that too "drove child to hockey practice even though didn't feel like it" "doing well in spanish lessons" "got through rough rough therapy session and resisted urge to self harm" "smiled at the clerk and said good morning at the drive through in getting coffee" ...even if you can list just 2-4 positive things about yourself everyday and keep a little journal, maybe eventually it will help you see yourself in a better light and recognize your self-image is not based on the truth of who you are but how you feel based on how you were treated...just as i felt like garbage because my ex treated me like garbage, but recognizing it was a step toward repairing it.

3) I really really wish you would find a way to volunteer or do something for charity. If you don't feel up to being around people right now, could you do something from home? For example, you could learn to crochet or knit and make afghans for cancer patients or wounded soldiers. There are things you might be able to do on line...volunteering has helped me see myself in a much more positive light and feels so good when i can do it and helps me get outa my own troubles and focus on others for a bit.

4) I really really wish you would join a group. You are so supportive and caring and such a good friend to all of us I know that would translate to face to face group therapy and you might make some friends you could talk to on the phone or go for a cup of coffee or to a movie with. I am hopeful that in the new year I finally going to be able with new insurance to afford therapy again...so I will be trying right along with you!

5) Is there anything you were good at or wanted to learn that you could take up as a hobby? You said you once wanted to go to medical school, could you learn cpr and how to take blood pressure? You could teach cpr maybe, or if that's too much, maybe volunteer at senior centers/community health fairs/etc. to take blood pressure. Do you like to draw or paint? Play music? any hobby that might help your self esteem and occupy more of your time and distract you a bit from your pain.

6) I know you said to think of all you have to be grateful for makes you feel underserving, and I can understand that, but by the same token we don't deserve the really bad things either...you didn't deserve the bad things that happened but you are suffering for them...allow the universe to "compensate" you a bit with the good things...list things you have to be grateful for and try to just accept them as some kind of cosmic payback for all you have suffered...an attitude of gratitude always helps me cope better, just being thankful can help me get through tough moments sometimes.

You are such a loving, caring, supportive friend to all of us and i wish you could see yourself as we see you and nurture the hurt little girl inside of you as you would one of us or a child you encountered who was enduring similar experiences...you are worth it ((((((((((Mich)))))))))) I promise.

Sending you thoughts of light and peace...

[Mich]

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. They truly warm my heart. They contain so much compassion, love and wisdom. I am thankful to have found this place to brighten my life.
Even though the Christmas season has passed, my darkness is terrifying today. Everyone has gone back to school and work and I am once again in solitude. The abused child within cries out for punishment but I must remember your words and be kind to her. She does not need any more horrors to be committed against her and if I feel the urges too strongly I must reach out for help. My psychiatrist tells me that these feelings of "being dirty" will subside the more I talk in therapy but so far they have not. She and I both believe that she is a dirty tramp that has forever been soiled by her perpetrator. I cannot look my psychiatrist in the eye when I talk to him....I am so ashamed. The shame, the dirtiness and the rage all drive me to be self destructive. The thought somehow that this dirtiness has repelled people from me all my life just won't go away.
If something were ever to happen to me, the first thing my husband would do is delve into our computers to read the words that have been hidden from him. He would never understand the solace and comfort that I feel here. I must try my hardest to believe my life is worth living. I am going to try right now to call the number and find out about depression groups. It's a step I should be able to take.

[xn728]

mich my poor flower ,think of russ my young self ,cast out from my soul for all those years ,alone and cold ,walking into the fire to be damned forever ,think how that young seven year old must have felt when he was
voilated in such a terrible way ,,like a soul banished to hell he must have walked in my mind ,not allowed any rest or forgiveness ,from the man he
had to become ,after the mistakes that young boy made ,,,and then the man realised he had made mistakes and welcomed that young boy into the safety of his heart and soul ,were he sleeps forever warm and unafraid ,,
sorry for taking up so much of your thread here mich ,but i know how much better you will if you forgive her and show her the love and warmth she craves for so much ,i couldnt live without russ now mich ,i talk to him in times of trouble ,,,open the door to your heart mich ,and let her come home ,she is clean and untouched ,and is not to blame ,and nither are you my dear freind ,we all love your here ,mich ,let her come home its cold outside ,open that door ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hugs ken xxxx

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Do please try to hold on to the idea that your life is worth living! Even from just reading your posts on this site it is clear that there is so much about you as a person that IS good. If you weren't here anymore you WOULD leave such a gap in the world in general, and this site in particular!
I do really think that both volunteering in whatever capacity you might feel comfortable, and joining a support group would help you, as ShatteredHopes said. ( Also, I hope you'll forgive me is I slip in an I-told-you-so. You weren't sure if you could make it through the Christmas holiday season, but you did. I remain convinced that despite your real and severe problems, ( That I truly would never want you to think that I discount or underestimate. ) you are stronger than you think!

[xn728]

hello mich i know your not good but just wanted to say hi thinking about you always ken hugs xxx

[lisalou]

hello again big sis,just wanted to say hello again and see how your afternoon is going. Lisa xxx