Dreadful

[xn728]

im so sorry lisa ,all i can say is i will think of you ,it will get better for
the both of you ,you must work at it no matter how hard it is
best wishes to lisa and mark ,love ken

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I'm sorry that you're feeling as bad as you are.
I know what it feels like to feel as if nothing could ever be enough to salvage me from the state that I was in. I felt exactly the same then, that I was just a messy clump of problems, that could never be untangled, let alone solved.
Fortunately, I had a lot of help and I have started to untangle and unpick my problems. I have started putting my life together again. You're just as strong and capable as I am, if not more so! So, it IS possible, in principle, that you can do the same as I have, that you can also have a future, a better future. I know that saying this may not be much help to offer, but it's a thought that I cling to and has helped me in my own " Hours Of the Wolf ". Everything that I've read of your posts leads me to believe that you are a strong, sensible, and WORTHWHILE person. So, hang in there! OK?! I don't know how to advise you about your relationship with Mark. All I can tell you is how much I respect you for allowing yourself to be that close to someone. For being that brave. I've known women I cared for, but could never allow any of them to get close enough to me for a real relationship to work. I was always sure that if a woman ever really knew how anxious and scared and depressed I get, she would either pity me or despise me. Neither of which I could tolerate.
I hope your relationship with Mark works out. ( I might say to Mark that if he's found a woman he trusts, is attracted to, and feels comfortable with, that is NOT something to be taken lightly, or to be easily found again. But, that's just a thought off the top of my own head. I'm certainly NOWHERE near qualified enough to be a couples counsellor! As Clint Eastwood/Dirty Harry said: " A man's got to know his limitations. ) But, you're braver than I am for taking the risk of letting someone get close enough for a real relationship. I'm hoping that bravery and strength will see you through your present pain.
Good luck!

[lisalou]

thank you all so so much for your support in these awful times. Mich, i am on the antidepressant amitryptiline, an old tricyclic drug from the 50's, currently doing f*** all for me, but at higher doses i actually physically can't wake up. am having a medication review with Laura (my support worker) and the consultant psychiatrist a.s.a.p. Today has been just so damned hard and everything continues to get harder. can't believe i used to work full 8 hr days feeling like this AND after usually about 4 hours sleep and with raging anorexia and surviving on very little food (have to admit i am very impressed with how warm my newborn layers of fat are. people keep going on about how cold it is, us ex-anorexics say 'pah!' to that. it is also interesting to discover that my hands and lips are not naturally blue...) TackingIntoTheWind, i hope my relationship with mark hangs on in there too and i guess you're right that i should appreciate what an achievement it is in itself. I hope that someday you are able to develop a relationship yourself, never give up, you may find the lady of your dreams at a doctor who convention!!!! (incidentally there is a doctor who themed special of the quiz show Never mind the buzzcocks on bbc2 at 10pm tomorrow.) Also i put some more of my haikus on the forum for you, they are a miserable bunch but i hope you like them

Will write again later everyone. am almost dreading mark coming home, how awful is that, not because i don't love him but because of how much tension there is between us and how much i just want to be alone and silent. yet desperately need a hug and a sympathetic ear to rant on to. god,i'm confused.....

[Mich]

Lisa - it's night time for you there now. You and Mark are probably sitting down to a meal right about now. I really hope the tensions ease between you. I fully believe that you can heal and claim your life back. The two of you need to believe it too....even when it seems impossible. My husband copes with it reluctantly but he says he still believes that I will be better one day and that my life will flourish. My husband has a few activities that he pursues on his own and that is definitely good for him. I hope that Mark will keep up with his theatre. It is likely a good thing for him. Even on our darkest day, we cannot give up.

[xn728]

(((((lisa))))) hey lisa ,i know your in a dark place now ,im here to but
i cant see anyone else in here ,i know you will hear me later so please
i know that one day you will have a better life ,but you,ll have to fight for it ,lisa stay on your toes dont let the darkness trick you ,you and mark have to stay in tune and work this thing out ,i can only give you my strentgh in these words lisa ,but use them when you feel the need
stay safe lisa and never let go ,your day will come goodnight for always
,,,,,ken ....xn728

[aim]

((((lisalou)))) I'm so sorry you are feeling so blue... Mich asked my medication question - are you on any? If you are, please remember that sometimes the wrong meds can make a person feel worse. If you are not, I would definitely recommend going to the doctor and trying some. If you have only just begun, also remember that it takes 2-4 weeks for medications to work.

As far as Mark, it sounds like his frustration at feeling helpless is beginning to get the better of him. He really needs to read up on depression, it's causes, and the best ways to be there for you. I'm sure he's staying with you for more than the reasons you stated. I'm sure he loves you and just feels like he should be able to fix you and he can't.

It will get better soon, lisalou.

[lisalou]

thanks ken mich and amy for your words of encouragement. amy, i'm on the anidepressent amitryptiline but am having a medication review with the psychiatrist soon as it's obviously not enough. have an absolutely screaming headache this morning,i go through real bouts of them,sometimes lasting more than a month. the amitryptiline is meant to have a painkilling effect too but really doesn't seem to be working for me! tried to make a dentist appointment yeaterday but was told i've been struck off his list of patients due to cancelling so many appointments. to be fair, i have, there have been many times when i was too depressed to go or my employers wouldn't let me take the time for appointments. I have a couple of teeth that are in the middle of treatment though. might be the reason for my headache. plus of course i am SO tense. me and mark did have a more amicable talk last night but we are still very stressed over our finances (or rather, severe lack of...), his upcoming redundancy and the strain of my mental health problems. gotta just keep plodding on i guess..

[xn728]

glad to hear you lisa ,keep your head up ,i know moneys tight ,we have very little left now ,but money wont cure us lisa ,i know it does help ,
you will do we,ll one day ,i promise ,,,,,,,,wishes ken

[Mich]

I am so glad you and Mark had a better talk last night. *hugs* always and keep on fighting.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Right you are! Do please keep on keeping on. It's important for us, for me as much as anyone else, to hold on to the idea that we can all gradually find our way to better times. I often think of a line I read in a biography of George Washington: " If you can, by temporary expedients, keep a leaky ship afloat and on the right course long enough, then some unforeseen dawn will see opening before you the friendly harbour of your dreams. "
I'm glad you and Mark are finding it a little easier to talk. Be patient with him. We men are simple creatures, explain things to us SLOWLY and CLEARLY and OFTEN, and we will get there eventually!
Thanks for the haikus as well. I'm impressed by how you manage to condense very complex feelings so vividly into only seventeen syllables. I can talk about my feelings, but I always have to express myself in much less elegant and precise prose! I particularly liked Horizon, Helpless, Wind, and Desolate. As part of trying to be more mindful and centred as a person, I often pause while I'm out walking to look at the colours of a sunset. And, sometimes when I'm in work early enough I can get a wonderful view of the sunrise from our office window.
( Oh, one more thing, as Lt. Columbo would say! Could I be cheeky and ask you a favour? If you post more haikus in the future, would you start a new thread when you do? I don't have a computer of my own, so I print things that I want to keep off the printer in the library. And if you start a new thread I'll be able to print the new ones off, without reprinting the ones that I already have. Thanks! )
In the meantime, do take care of yourself. OK?






Horizon helpless wind desolate

[xn728]

hi lisa ,i know your not good ,just poped in to say hi ,had a little snow
today ,was out in garden with ferrets ,they like snow ,it made them dance
lisa ,they bob up and down with there scary little fangs showing
goodnight lisa ,flower feel better soon ,,,,,,,,,,ken

[xn728]

hey lisa ,just been to see mich ,hell of a trip how are you to day ,still
feeling crap lisa ,im sat with you lisa ,wont stay long ,just want you to i
feel and care and think about you ,been cold here lisa ,had some snow
enjoyed it though ,could see on the weather on tv it looks like youve had a lot down there , just wanna tell you about the shop if thats ok ,ive had my training now and it was my first day in charge alone ,it was scary at first having to talk to all the customers ,but im getting used to it now
since ive been there the takings have gone up ! thought this may perk you up ,ive got to go now ,had to land the jet on the beech ,it,ll make
a hell of a mess when i take off on full power ,lol take care lisa be safe
you do ,i will to. hope you didnt mind my chat,goodnight (((lisa))),,,,,ken

[lisalou]

morning ken, thanks for your visit, hope the snow hasn't buggered up your jet's engines too much! we've had absolutely loads of snow here, there are fantastic snowmen along the beach including a Rasta one with seaweed for dreadlocks!!!!! me and mark had a snowball fight, the atmosphere between us is definitely lighter, i think he feels better for getting stuff off his chest. and tackingintothewind i will indeed start a new page for each bunch of poems,it's so flattering to have a fan!!

p.s mark continues to get more welsh, caught him listening to Dylan Thomas reading A child's christmas in wales on cd........

[Mich]

I am so glad you and Ken had a lighthearted moment. May you have many more.

[lisalou]

I washed my hair this morning! I washed my hair! I really am excited, it had been about 6 weeks! My hair is nearly waist-length and very thick so it's a bit of a chore at the best of times but the depth of my depression lately has made self-care almost impossible. I really must be feeling a bit brighter.....