Christmas Nightmare

[Mich]

Christmas is a very painful time for me. It brings up lots of memories of my parents never being happy with the gifts I chose for them. As a result, gift giving is a very anxiety provoking activity for me as I worry endlessly whether people will like my gift or not. My husband and I do not exchange gifts because it is too hard for me. I am having trouble getting out this year to buy gifts for my children because I am so afraid of having my gift be rejected. It sounds silly but it has absolutely paralyzed me thus far this season.
When I was a young girl I remember being very excited about a gift I had bought for my mother. I even told her ahead of time "this is the best gift I have ever got you; you're going to love it." It was a necklace with a heart that I thought was made of gold. When my mother opened it she said "I can't wear this; it's not real gold and it will tarnish." She then left it out for months and months where I could see it not being worn. It did eventually tarnish and then she said "see, I told you it would tarnish.". She then threw it out. This was so devastating to me and I have carried it with me my whole life. This was not the only time she acted in this way. Similarly for my father, one year I had bought him a coffee table book on vintage cars because he worked in the automotive industry and was a car buff. I thought is was a good gift. Again, it was rejected. My mother said "he'll never read that" and sure enough I never really saw him look at it. It probably got trashed too.
I have a giving heart but I cannot give gifts due to many of these incidents that kept recurring throughout my childhood. The thought of buying my children clothes and worrying incessantly whether they will like it and wear it just tears me up inside. I want the whole day to just go away. I really cannot stand it.

[Harry M]

I hope you get through Christmas with minimal problems. For me Christmas has never been a real down time for me. I am not particularly close to my family so I am normally alone and away from family during the Holidays. I find the lack of stress over choosing gifts lots of gift and mall shopping rather pleasing and relaxing actually. But, I do have a core of good close friends that ALWAYS leave the doors open for me if I choose. I think that is very helpful to know even if I choose not to take them up on it.

I am no pro and my opinion may be stained, but I think you should not trouble yourself with other people feeling on your gift (yeah, easier said than done). You are the better person and the other a soul, shallow people for not appreciating the effort. Don’t let it get to you.

[shatteredhopes]

((((((Mich)))))) if you don't mind I want to share a coupla stories with you on your thread from my experience. In recent years, I haven't had money to get gifts. I paint a little, so decided to take to giving paintings as gifts. A coupla years ago, my mom opened one and said "Oh no, not another painting." It was all I could do to keep from busting into tears. She had said she liked them, and knew I didn't have money to buy anything from the store. I was crushed. Now I feel I have to do without things I need in order to get something from the store for her. I have some similar experiences from childhood.

Last year, spent holidays with my ex-boyfriend. I skrimped and saved and pinched pennies and bought him things and made him things. I put so much thought into what to get him that might be meaningful and made many sacrifices so I could make it a special christmas for him as I knew the holidays would be hard on both of us. I baked and baked cookies and sweet breads and played festive music. Then I gave him the gifts on Christmas evening. He seemed to like them, but then turned and said "I didn't get anything for you." Nothing! Then in the middle of the night, we got in a fight and bascially broke up christmas day for him yelling at me over my feelings being hurt over something else...

Christmas I think about my children who were almost and the family I never had. I used to buy toys and treats for my pets. Now I will be all alone. It is my hardest time. I have to go to the mall and pay bills and it hurts that I don't have any money to get gifts for people and what little I can get, like a bag of candy, they will view as cheap and likely not appreciate. But I don't have any other choice.

Just give gift cards to the kids favorite stores for clothes, cash, or something like an ipod you know they want...ask them! I am with you in spirit sister, and know this is hard from the traumatic memories from your childhood and the absolutely horrible, unconsciounable way your parents reacted to your thoughtful gestures. Some people are so materialistic and cruel.

My gift to you is sisterly love...and friendship . I hope we chat again soon.

[dandelion]

(((((((((((( Mich )))))))))))))

Im sorry that both of your parents treated you like that Mich, you dont deserve that kind of treatment. I dont celebrate Christmas and i am not sure how it works. but when you give somebody a present, dont matter what your give them, its your thoughts that counts. It is so hard when people rejected our present, but bear in mind that you had choose the best presents for them and they should appreciate it and appreciate you no matter what you gave them. And maybe you can ask them what kind of christmas present that they would like to receive and make sure that it is not over your budget, just a thought.

I hope you will feel a lot better soon, please take care of yourself and be well

hugs
dandelion

[blueisgreen]

Hi Mich,
It sounds to me like you are doing the best you can.
I'm proud of you for getting your kids to school and
getting to your doctor's appointment.
The pain related to gift giving for you is so, so sad to me.
Maybe try not to assume reactions based on your past.
I know it isn't easy.
I do not speak to any member of my family.
I moved years ago from a large city to a smallish place.
I have very few friends now and very little that interests me
living where I live now.
I had a very bad year financially, so this year I will not be buying
a gift for my 17 year old daughter, or even sending cards to clients.
I did make a donation to Heifer International, and I plan to send an email
out to explain the lack of gifts and cards from me this year and I hope
everyone at least appreciates my modest donation to those even less fortunate.
What I'm trying to say is you don't have to feel forced to give a typical gift.
Do what you can, when you can.
I think you should try to be very kind to yourself at such a traumatic time of year. If you can ease the pressure off of yourself, I think you may feel a bit of relief.
I'm sending you strength.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((( Mich ))))))))))))))))))))

Totally agree with the gift cards. Especially for someone you know you can't or don't know what to buy. Pick a store they visit all the time, and get a gift card, let them pick what they want.

Children, for clothing, especially, a gift card from their favorite store is perfect. Have done this, for I don't know their sizes, their likes, what they want, so that gift has always been a big hit for me. Still buy them some small gift to open and then the card. Get big hugs for this. Oh added bonus, doesn't take long to do the shopping, in and out, wonderful!

Just take it one day at a time!!

Warmie/Jeanie

[Mich]

Thanks everyone. I will probably do one gift card for each of my kids but I still have to buy them some actual gifts. I will try to put this in perspective and stop stressing about it so much. I really feel angry at myself that this still affects me so much. It was over 30 years ago. Why do I have such a hard time getting over these hurts? I should just get over it and move on.

Shatteredhopes - Your stories broke my heart. So much pain there. I'm so so sorry. No one should be hurt like that.
I have logged onto the chat a few times today hoping to find you there but no luck. I wanted to hear how your meeting went yesterday.

[xn728]

hello mich ,i hope you may feel a little better today ,all i can offer at the moment ,is to let you know im thinking of you ,and will walk with you always ,as promised i will be around and hope we can all get throu
xmas together ,lets of best wishes and hope ,,,,,ken

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((((((( Mich ))))))))))))))))))))

Whether it was 30 years ago, or yesterday, our memories are there and once we have come face to face with some of them, they return. But you are learning and removing some, one by one.

Great on the shopping decisions. Good luck with it. Make this Christmas season one you want to remember.

Warmie