Day to Day

[CloverFella]

The other morning my girlfriend (whos carrying my child mind you) got into a small spat. We don't argue much, mostly because I'm not the arguing type. I generally bite my tongue and let her go. She's pregnant and has alot going on in her mind and body right now.

All morning however, she had been making remarks about my age. She is a little over nine years older then me (I'm 23 she is soon to be 33). I kept shrugging it off though it bugged me. There were dozens of things I wanted to say to her about how irrational her logic is concerning our age difference and her subsequent view of how we are doomed to failure because of it. Though I still just saved it for in the shower, when I would be alone (I don't seen in the shower, I monologue).

But that particular morning it got to a point where my mouth opened without me thinking before hand. We got on the topic of how we hadn't done much cuddling or anything in the past few weeks on account of how her chest and shoulder has been extremely sour (she had to go to the ER for the pain), when she said, "Chris, we may never be able to be like we were again." I mentioned how she would heal eventually and we would be able to, but she went off on the typical tangent of how I don't ever understand what she means. So she broke it down for me.

She is under the impression that even after she heals up, we will then have a baby to tend to. So her idea of 'never' being able to hold each other again, and my idea of that same phrase are completely different. I told her we would find time to be us even with the baby and that eventually, albeit a ways off, we will be able to be us again. She accused me of being too young and naive, and that I need to grow up.

That telling me "You need to grow up." finally set off everything I had been holding back all morning amidst her hinting of how shoddy of a father I will be because of my age (evidently 23 isn't old enough to have children. According to her men should wait until at least 25 due to our immaturity). So my mouth opened and what came out was "Amy! Stop treating me like a child!"

There was more to this car ride, in fact, what brought up the cuddling conversation was my asking her if she wanted me to come back to her place once we picked up my Jeep. She told me no and that she thinks the only reason I want to spend time with her is to keep an eye on here. She has a really hard time taking compliments and people being nice to her without there being some ulterior motive. She doesn't understand that I love her unconditionally.

So, my letting my anger slip. That happened just as we were pulling up to my Jeep. I left her car without a word and went home. I got cleaned up for work and stopped back by her house to try and explain to her why I snapped. Not something I would normally do, but I think its important in this case that I express to her how much it hurts me that she doesn't have any confidence that I will be a good father and that she keeps talking down to me. Unfortunately for me, on this 14 degree, windy, snowy day, she locked me out and wouldn't answer the door.

So a day and night, passed. I stopped over there before coming to work today and she was not in a good mood (in fact I can't remember the last time she smiled at me). She was way ahead in a TV series her and I have been watching together. She blatantly carried on with the series without me, which makes me wonder about all sorts of things regarding her feelings towards me. But I didn't say anything about it.

All of her communications with me were extremely brief one liners. I was actually lucky to get a sentence rather then a yes or no. When I was leaving she told me not to come over tonight. I asked "what about tomorrow?" she said "I guess so." in a tone that hinted that she didn't want me to. Everything in the way she communicates with me is to the effect that she doesn't want me but feels she needs me in order to support this child that is on the way.

I've never felt such pain as I do now. Loving a woman who doesn't love me, but carries my child... It went from extremely blissful to a nightmare almost over night. There was no transition to this state of relationship. Just a sudden jolt of change...

[shatteredhopes]

Wow, friend, that is rough! I can empathize with the loving someone who doesn't love you part, in that my ex just dumped me two and half months ago, but she is carrying your child! It may very well be just hormones, fear, and anxiousness about the ways a child will change your lives that has her acting this way. She may also feel resentment because pregnancy is all the woman's job and there's really not much you can do other than try to be supportive as she endures all this.

Maybe she still loves you, or you can rekindle...would it be possible to pick up some flowers for her, a book of love poetry from the library you can recopy a poem and leave for or read to her, write her a romantic note, make her breakfast in bed, anything you can do in little ways to make her life easier right now and show you love her and be romantic? Can you snuggle on the couch and read child rearing books to each other? Maybe worth a shot...I dunno. It just seems if she ONLY wanted you for financial, at least in US for instance, she could force you to pay child support, so maybe she does still have feelings for you.

Regardless, you are the father of that child, and I am sure you will make a wonderful father. She once thought you were something special if she got pregnant by you, so maybe she will be again. Even though a baby will change things, it doesn't mean it can't change things in a wonderful way.

Wishing you peace and light in your day...

[CloverFella]

I've tried flowers and love letters. She always seems to try and find a different meaning behind them. She doesn't seem to understand that my love is sincere. I can't figure out how she is picking up what she is picking up off of me.

We can't cuddle because she is so sore with her shoulder and chest right now. I can't cook her breakfast because she can't keep anything down.

It just seems every time I try or even open my mouth, I'm wrong. I've been biting my tongue because I know she has alot going on right now. I've even tried giving her space... I but then she accuses me of not being around enough...

I can't do anything right with her. It kills me that I can't remember the last time I made her smile.

[shatteredhopes]

Sorry to hear that friend. From your other posts I gather she is in the early stages of pregnancy, has substantial other health problems, so between body going wild with hormones adjusting and pain of shoulder and worries about her health, she is likely just taking it out on you right now.

Can you massage the parts of her not hurting? Can you bring her warm tub of water to soak feet? A hot or cool cloth for her face after she gets sick? Can you pick up books on pregnancy and child rearing to read together to show how excited, vested you are and how much you wanta be there for her? Can you ASK her how you can best support her, regularly, what might make her life easier? Can you take the other kids to the park or movie so she can have some alone time? Keep up with the love gestures, she's just going through really rough time...no its not right or fair she is taking it out on you, but if you love her, talk to her...support her...tell her how you feel and how she is making you feel when she treats you this way.

Wishing you light and peace in your day...