Painful Psychiatrist Appt

[Mich]

I had my psych appt this morning and it was gut-wrenchingly painful. I was conferring all sorts of painful information in a controlled, monotone way. All the while, I started feeling more and more overwhelmed so that when the appt was over I had to run down the hall to the washroom where I vomitted. It has rendered me helpless for the rest of the day and I will curl up in bed with my iPOD and wait for the time to pass until I have to pick up my son from school. I cannot face people; I cannot brave the stores for Christmas shopping. I want to cut but I will force myself to stay in bed and not retrieve my blade from its bathroom hiding spot. I am so filled with hatred both for myself and my abuser. The hatred fills up my entire brain space and it's hard for any other thoughts to get in or out. I am being swallowed up by my feelings with no power to stop it.

[lisalou]

Oh Michie, I'm sorry you're feeling so awful, therapy can be so painful, often it gets worse before it gets better, bringing up the past is very hard. A big well done to you for being able to open up about these things and an even bigger well done for fighting those urges to self-harm. Have you got that Women's comfort book on order yet? hopefully it will come in time for xmas. I wish i could give you the xmas gift of peace and happiness. Wishing you courage and strength for dealing with the rest of your day

Love Lisa xxxx

[crybaby1086]

((((Mich)))) I'm sorry today was so difficult for you. Hopefully telling your therapist will help to relieve you in the long even though it hurts so much now. Lots of hugs. Robyn

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Respect is due! I found, and still find it, very hard to open up and talk about my own problems, which I am convinced are far less serious than yours. So, I am impressed that you were able to do what you did. I'm sorry that it was so painful to you, but you got it done. As I say, respect is due!
Please take care of yourself!

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((( Mich ))))))))))))))))

And here you are, in another day, with your friends here that care. Isn't this a plus?

Warmie/Jeanie

[Mich]

Yes Warmie - it definitely is a plus to come here and find friends who care. Some friends are very quiet right now and I worry about them.

Today has been a difficult day. I am still recovering from yesterday's therapy and I have to face another session tomorrow (a day early since he will be away on Friday). I am slobbily dressed, my hair hasn't been washed for days and although I know a shower would likely make me feel better, I just cannot muster up the energy. Even the thought of raising my arms up to wash my hair is too much. I am determined to make the phone call to find out about depression support groups in my area. I would like to be able to start up with one early in the new year. Taking that first step is just so hard.
I have made my mind up that I have to get out Christmas shopping on Friday no matter how I feel. I simply must do it. I have to rise above this illness and look after something that is important. My husband is helping me with it but I must put in more effort myself. My husband told me he is on pins and needles wondering if I will be in the hospital again this Christmas. He told me that last year's Christmas was terrible because of that and he does not want to see a repeat of that. I am fairly certain I will stay out of trouble between now and then.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((( Mich ))))))))))))))

Yes we are worry about those that don't write, but it has to be up to them to do so.

For you, yes please, do your best to rise about this thing we all deal with, when you can. Don't let it win. It is easier to give in to the depression, to fight with all our might, think that is all of our goals.

What better gift to give your husband, to be there at home with him for Christmas. Make the family complete.

Warmie/Jeanie

[lisalou]

well done mich for that determination to get yourself out and shopping and to get yourself into a group. don't push yourself too far though, maybe just set a goal of buying just one or two gifts or even just checking out what's there for ideas. as for the washing hair thing you can't be as bad as me, it's been at least a month since i did mine and it was about two months before that. if i need to show doctors how bad my mental state is i just go there with my hair down!!!!!! when i can't bear washing,i at least give myself a wipe-down with some scented wipes,i highly recommend it,so easy and makes you feel so much fresher. good luck for your appointment tomorrow xxxxx

[Mich]

Thank you Lisa and Warmie. *hugs* to you both.

I really look a fright this morning. I picked up some coffee after dropping my kids at school and the lady seemed to do a double-take at me and my grungy hair. Probably just my imagination but....
I just don't care about anything. I don't care about my appearance, I don't care about Christmas....everything seems meaningless. I have struggled with my appearance all my life as I have never been the "pretty girl" and that is one of the things that I hold in so much anguish and anger about. For most of high school I was a complete outcast and I am convinced that my appearance had a lot to do with it. People just don't want to be seen with the "ugly girl". I certainly never had any attention from boys. I hate God for torturing me in this way. Such cruelty to a girl.
Even my parents said I had a face that "only a mother could love." The thing is, my mother did not love the face and she did not love me the person. When I was about 9 she told me that if she had to do it again, she would not have had a child. I was the only child so it was me she was referring to.
On top of this uncaring attitude, I am sad beyond description today. For all my friends here, I wish for you an easy day today. May your load be a little lighter.

[Monty]

Good Morning Mich,

I think that it is great that you are taking small steps for getting ready for Christmas. I know for me it is always the worst time of year.

I was in the hospital a lot a few years ago and I had to take a shower each day, the nurses made me. What they couldn't make me do was brush my teeth. Once I heard one of the aides say "I wish she would brush her teeth". It must have been pretty rank and and I am sure that I deserved the comment because it had probably been a month or so. I just didn't care at all about my appearance, my whole focus was just taking one breath after the next.

It is so true that it is hard to take that first step in finding a depression group. It is great that you have the plan in place. I am hoping that you might find one that is as supportive as this group was. I am a strong believer in wonderful changes that can be mande in people's lives when they have some people to lean on. Facing depression on your own can be quite daunting.

You can certainly depend on all of us to be there to help you along.

Take care

[Mich]

Another painful appt today (Thursday). Talked a lot about my mother's rejection and lack of protection for me. I always wonder....what if I had been a pretty child, would she have loved and wanted me? Was it my physical self that she hated?

[Mich]

Another day of paralysis. I cannot move from this house, I cannot eat and my thoughts are racing despite the depression. I hate this combination. Music provides no comfort. I should be at the stores by now but I cannot face it. I have set myself another goal of heading out 2 hours from now at noon. The busyness of a mall setting just seems too overwhelming at the moment. When will these simple tasks stop being so daunting for me? Just like the phone call for the support group. Every single day I think about it and every single day I don't do it. I don't know what I am afraid of exactly. I think it is just the act of talking on the phone. I never answer my phone here unless I know it is one of my kids. I just cannot do it.
How much longer can I take living like this? The pointlessness, the endless sadness that only seems to grow deeper with each passing day. My psychiatrist told me yesterday that he could make changes to my medication but that he won't at this time due to the risk of overdose. I guess the drugs I am on right now are pretty tame as far as overdosing goes and the ones he would switch me to are not. My meds are doing anything for me. There is no way I could feel like this if my meds were working. I am considering going off them to see what happens. I don't want to keep poisoning my body with no benefit to me.
Another second, another minute, another hour....it all seems too long. It is truly unbearable. Will this ever end?

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((((Mich)))))))))) I hope the doc will switch meds soon and give you something for anxiety, even something non-narcotic, as I'm sure that would help a lot. I have to go to the mall to pay some bills today and I so dread getting out in the crowds, but at least I won't be shopping this year. So you have my empathy and good wishes to get through that task. I know the pain seems overwhelming, but if we can just get through christmas without harming ourselves or being in the hospital, that will be something, right?

Sorry Mich, don't know what to say...just wish something could lighten your load a bit...sisterly love your way.

[dandelion]

((((((((((((((( Mich ))))))))))))))))))

Feel better soon okay and i believe that this will end soon, have faith, try to do things that you used to enjoy again and gather all of your strength to fight the feeling that you have now. things will be better, you ll see

Hope things are looking up you, please take care of yourself and be well

love
dandelion

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Sorry that you are feeling so wretched today. I know that it's not particularly original advice, but I think that you are doing the right, ( And very difficult thing ) in taking each moment at a time. Sometimes that's all I can do myself.
Try not to be too concerned about Christmas shopping etc. As you say, the most important thing is that you stay out of hospital and have the best, or at least the least-worst, Christmas that you can.
I have to say that I would be very cautious about stopping your meds without medical advice. Although, you are perfectly within your rights in aking your doctor for different or stronger meds, of course.
Courage mon vieux! ( I bet you didn't know I'm bifocal. Sorry, old joke....) If you define the Christmas season as late November to very early January, as seems to be the case in the UK, then you're already about a third of the way through it. Today being the 11th of December.
However, bad you may feel, you are getting through it, you are winning, you are hanging on. So, please go on doing so, and help us all to hang on with you.
( One indirect time-saving advantage I have is the fact that washing my hair takes very little time. My hair-line is not so much receding as in full retreat! )
Seriously though folks, good luck and do take care of yourself!