My story- any help? (Triggering material)

[bradleyg]

My hardest bout with depression started 2 years ago during a cold October. I had just moved home from my first stint of independence outside my home, and had been in good spirits. I left the house I was with because my roommate had became pregnant, and I wanted to give her and my best friend who was having the child with her, and also living in the home, some space and respect this new phase in their life.

It also was the begining of realizing that people were moving on with their lives while I was stagnent. My friends, mostly university students from well to do backgrounds, clashed with my life dramatically. I was raised in a family with no post-secondary under the house, and both of my parents worked in factories. My familie's ideas of life were much different than my friends and their families. I always viewed myself as somewhat of a novelty- I was the slightly older, carefree, funny poor guy who didn't mind bumming from one low income job to the next. My friends were soon begining to graduate University. I was stuck in a rut. I had no romantic relationships, my family had moved onto new hobbies and were spending their time more and more away from the home, and I had no education or real joy in my work.

Soon after moving home, depressed, I began to watch some old episodes of Fawlty Towers. In this episode, Basil, the lead character was caught by his wife in comprimising situations with a younger woman that made it appear as if he was innapropriatly interacting with her.
One line spurred a memory that I haven't been able to get out of my head again for the last two years.
"You can run around groping women..."

About a year before I was going through a phase in my life that I think many young people experience in one way or another. I enjoyed to go out and drink, and would often like to go out for more than a few drinks on a friday or saturday night. During this time I wanted to confront an issue of mine, as well. The issue that I was afraid of relationships, intimacy, sex and just about any type of physical contact.
For years, I never asked a woman out or tried to start a relationship, though I desperatly wished to experience this. I went on many dates with one woman in particular, with whom I obviously shared feelings of affection for. I could not, out of fear of offending her, however, bring myself to connecting in any way physically with her or even trying to make our relationship more concrete. I dated one girl for six months and could not even bring myself to kiss her for fear of rushing her or making her feel pressured.

Needless to say, I had many self-esteem issues that I didn't acknowledge as the time, and still to this day to many degrees.
I found myself that October, I beleive at a bar in my hometown. Out with a friend, I had drank more than my fair share and was mingling with the locals in my hometown that night. Outside on the patio, i sat beside a woman and, for whatever reason, felt attracted to her. I wanted to know why so many people I knew enjoyed going out and making out with strangers, having on the fly moments. Perhaps teh reason I was so intimidated by kissing and physical contact was simply because my experience was so limited. Long story short, I wanted to kiss this woman, and did. I kissed her for what must have lasted a second or two, quite sloppilly as I recall, in a sort of makeout attempt. She never turned her head, screamed, asked me to stop, etc. etc. etc. as I surely would have given the circumstance. I acted on my instinct, and wasen't thinking fully. Then , for some reason, I touched her butt cheek. Details of what happened next were vauge, but I know that my natural reluctancy and fear of physical touching likely kicked in and I stoped myself. Where I got the idea to do this or why I did it is a forgein concept really to me. A friend of the woman approached me later and asked if "I was the one who tried to stick my tounge down her friend's throat". Naturally, I was on the defensive. Her wording maybe have been deliberatly pointed or meant to be more light, I can never be sure, but I said 'no'. Afterwards, I remember feeling rather silly about it all , but not really questioning my morality or anything of that degree. I knew it wasen't eh smartest thing in the world to do, but I also knew that my intentions were to have an experience with this woman, noble or not, and that in no way had I heard or sensed any desire for me to stop or that she was uncomfortable.

When I heard Basil Fawlty's wife use the word grope one year later, however, a new reality hit me like a ton of bricks.

In my head, I became a rapist, sexual predator, pervert, harraser. I was a monster who did not deserve life.

I could not get the thoughts out of my head. Surely this woman was scared and damaged by my actions. She must have been. I refused to think otherwise. I could not put the reality together. We were at a bar. Drinks were had. I have no reason to beleive that she wanted me to stop or leave. I meant no harm through my actions. I was not trying to show my dominace or felt I had some right to her- I was seeking the experience with her, and that was all.

Now, in some ways, even after talking to a very effective counciller , I cannot get over the feelings of moral deficency. I feel as if there must be some issue at the core of my brain which makes me do bad things. I don't consider myself a bad person, I made a mistake. But we cannot have a society where people are constantly making mistakes. What happens when one rapes or muders? Can they simply brush off what they have done as a mistake?

I don't want to continue my life this way because I feel that I have failed to be a morally just and responsible individual . I have not only failed in my earthly pursuits of education, work and personal life, but also in the realm of moral compentency. Surely, there must be some accountability for the mistakes one makes in life. What is the purpose of me continuing this life when I know I have the capabaility to fail in such a way? Surely, my resources and space would be better served to those who keep their morality. The fact is that I could have done damage in this woman's life. For this fact, I feel I am a danger and harm to my society. I cannot contribute to this world thinking and worrying about this 24/7. I am exhausted from this worry and guilt.

[xn728]

mmmmm. listen if this woman was offended by your behavior ,im sure you would have known about it ,did she just get up and walk away ,did she say anything ,if you think you harmed this woman in some way ,then sometimes the things we do in life have to be paid for ,if it means you cant forgive yourself ,or worry you harmed this poor woman then ,you have got to live with it ,sorry maybe she just thought ,let me get away from this guy,and was fine ,woman are equal to men and must be treated
with respect ,my wife of 30 years wouldnt tolerate such behavior ,when we were courting ,we hung out at a bar called the snake pit ,we were
punks ,and the bar also was a hangout for rockers and hells angels ,we were stood together at the juke box ,and to my amazement this burely
rocker hit the floor ,and stayed there for a good few seconds ,he stood up looked in my genaeral direction and staggered off,my young girlfreind 17
at the time looked at me and barked ,well he just grabbed me,
a woman will let you know what she wants and when and if your attentions are unwelcome ,faulty towers is just a slapstick comedy and
unfortunatly you cant behave like this in real life ,if you would have hurt this woman im sure you would have heard about it ,i think your lonely and need to meet someone who will make you happy ,dont just think about the sex ,find a nice person first the rest will fall into place ,the bit about rape and stuff is a little worrying ,you say you have spoken to a theripist ,and its ok ,if you havent ,and you continue to have these thoughts,seek some advise ,i have thoughts that are linked to my depression ,visions and stuff harmless ,as long as you know what is real
and what isnt ,,,let it go and start living ,find a partner,touch them first
with your kind words depression makes us act in strange ways and think crazy things your a good person at heart just a little confused maybe ,,,,,best wishes xn728

[bradleyg]

I honeslty meant no harm by the actions and I am fairly sure that most people would recognize that it was an akward move, not a malicious one.
Many of us do things we personally find silly afterwards, but I honestly have to say that in some way i disagree with you that I should have to live with this forever, at least in the 24/7 beat yourself up and wonder mode all the time...
I think there has to be a point where I can say to myself- okay I accept that what i did wasen't the best move, but I cannot consider myself morally deficient because of this one incident.

[xn728]

but you did say ,that you couldent live with this ,and if you look carefully
im saying ,that this woman wasnt harmed by you ,because ,she moved away ,and from that she was not offended to badly hopefully,you must move away from this thing ,and let it go ,or you like myself will make yourself pay ,only you here are making you pay ,i wish for you to let it go ,i dont want you to suffer at all ,if it sounded like i was being harsh im sorry i was just pionting out with the thing about my girlfreind /my wife now that usally if you offend a woman ,you will here about it in some way ,i didnt mean to say you should suffer 24/7 just let that whole incident go ,its only yourself making you suffer ,also my dear freind and you are a freind,i meant you no harm ,yours sincerly ,,,,ken

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Hi bradleyg,

Glad you posted and shared, what the forums are for. Sharing, venting, getting support.

In life we all do things we would erase if we could, but this is life, a learning process. Ask any woman and she will tell you she doesn't always understand a man, ask a man this question of a woman and he will tell you the same.

okay I accept that what i did wasen't the best move

Take whatever phase of life you have lived, from a young child, pushing another child down, over who gets that certain toy; a child that takes that piece of gum when Mommy isn't looking. Each phase of our life has some point of 'something' we would do again, if possible. But, in the process of life, we do learn by what we consider errors.

Perhaps what I have typed will help you see that you are human, as we all are. Lessons are there for reasons and we feel, we react, we learn.

I hope your typing here has helped and that you will continue coming to the forums, reading, typing, sharing.

Take care...

Warmie/Jeanie

[Jeremy1982]

I could not get the thoughts out of my head. Surely this woman was scared and damaged by my actions. She must have been.

I think you have to be more self conscious about these thoughts and ask your self why I keep thinking bad about my self. why are you thinking this way? I see it as low self esteem issues and I think the key to battling against these thoughts is to dig down deep in the past and find out what caused these low self esteem issues, you cannot live life in regret for your actions, you have to learn from them

[bradleyg]

Thanks guys.
After 2 long years of obsession, I can't expect it will all go away right away.
My therapist said that anything a baby learns can take 3 years to unlearn, and surely this may just be a simmilar circumstance.

I have to build myself up to get out into the world again and be myself.

I have cut myself off all romantic relationships and ruined alot of good oppertunity to connect with people, both romantically and as friends.
I don't feel I deserve to be cut off for the rest of my life.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

bradleyg,

You are right, you do NOT deserve to be cut off from happiness. Perhaps this has bothered you, for you felt it was not the proper thing to do, after the fact, and didn't know how to correct it.

As a woman, I have been in issues such as you spoke of. I reacted to them in my way, and left it at that.

Don't beat yourself up over this, for this is part of life. You make a mistake, you learn from it. It is a shame when you don't learn from them, if you know what i mean.

Be kind to yourself, learn and go on. There is happiness, don't close doors to it, for your own sake.

Take care,
Warmie

[crybaby1086]

Bradley, I'm going to have to agree with Ken and Warmie. You have to move on from this. As a woman who has spent time out in clubs and such I can assure you that the girl you described in this situation was not hurt by your actions. If she had stood up and slaped you in the face then you would known you were out of line. If she just kind of smiled and gently pulled away then she was fattered by your attention but not really interested. If she didn't do anything and maybe even kissed you back you should have gotten her number. You are a young man and this time is all about learning who you are and about the whole dating ritual. You sound like a sensitve guy who needs to work on some self-esteem issues and maybe even some shyness. Maybe you can try some online dating sites to practice talking to woman. It could give you the boost you need to move on.