a little better

[xn728]

hey to all my dear freinds ,i feel a little better this morning ,only a little but i ddint wake ,and jump out of bed into death ,i work at the shop today lisa ,and wiill look for a bible ,im willing to give it a look at ,thankyou for all your kind words everyone ,i feel very humbled ,and maybe i ought to practice what i preach and look with my mind more as we,ll and SEE ALL
i have around me ,,,hope to see you all, later saturdays are my least favourite day but i will keep my mind clear ,,,later ken ,,,,,xn728

[lisalou]

glad you are feeling a bit more positive today ken, hope you have a good day at the shop,if you find the bible helpful then good luck but remember,as i said,please please don't get bogged down by any stuff about evil and demons,maybe you should be careful,remember it is written by many many different people with different interpretations of god and of the truth. i feel not too bad so far this morning,trying not to freak out at the thought of this party tonight,i'm sure even if i only go briefly my friend will appreciate it

[DeepEyes]

I'm so glad your feeling better Ken, truely, and as lisa said dont get bogged down with the darker aspects of the bible, the message i took away was love is the most important thing there is, at its core it simply tells you if you have a good heart your on the right track, good luck my friend x

[blueisgreen]

Hi Ken,

Sounds like you hit a rough patch, but I'm happy that you are
moving in a more positive direction today - that's awesome!
Hang in there, Ken! Be well.

[xn728]

yeah well ,sorry didnt last long ,about an hour after posting it ,i was on the settee ,trying to get up strength for work ,many times ive died ,during this lousy stinking existance ,but this time its just lingering ,ive walked this winding road so many times ,but now apart from the demons of my past ,i have the constant thought of death ,planning and thinking about
how my family would manage ,and now as i write this and see it in words ,im questioning my own sanity ,how can i write such things behind myfamilys backs how would they feel if they saw what i was thinking ,but if
it was them in this position maybe they would think the same ,i cant leave my family ,my lovely fran ,and my two girls ,but this is painful to knowing i have no way out ,i tryed last night to think about what i had ,long and hard ,what good ive done in my life ,and i could see it ,but it made no differance ,it gave me no answers or pleasure ,all day ive talked to myself ,saying what is it making me so unhappy ,nothing ,i cant pin it on anything ,its killing me right now ,i want to lay in the dark and fade away
without pain or question ,i feel like ive let you down posting this ,but i think im at crisis piont ,i have a number for my emergency phychiartrist ,
but i cant even use this because my wife will hear all i say ,this is why
even though i now you all care ,i am truly alone ,and im drowning in this sea of darkness ,and soon i will become to ill ,carry on ,maybe if i get that bad and i dont know what im doing ,maybe i wont feel it ,ive tryed to reason with my own mind ,but it wont listen ,your words are not wasted on me ,i do hear ,but i cant act on them anymore and of you all ,please keep looking for what it is you came here for ,you have new freinds
stay safe ,please dont be disapionted in me , xn728 ,,ken im still fighting
but running out of weapons ,,,,,,,

[blueisgreen]

I'm so, so sorry Ken. Please call your emergency psychiatrist.
Fran loves you very much, and wants you to be ok, and that is what that phone number is for. Please help yourself. Perhaps you can go for a walk and make the call in private from a pay phone or just tell Fran you are going to make that call so you will need some privacy. I'm sure she will support you Ken. Please Ken, you have so many friends here who care about you and want you to keep fighting. Please don't lose sight of all the good and caring energy you have and that you give.
Please make that call. Post when you can. Sending you strength.

[xn728]

hey youuuuu,
my life is so complicated ,i just cant go out and use a phone ,without question ,i cant allow fran to be privy to what my life is like inside my head ,everyday for me is a up hill battle ,when i go out with fran in the car ,i have to go home to check the door is locked ,did i turn the tv off
is the ferret hut shut ,im just driving myself crazy ,when i came in from work fran said you forgot to put your wacth on this morning ,its not like you to forget that ,oh sorry just feeling a bit off it thats all i said ,,
she doesnt know that it slips straight off my wrist cos ive lost so much
weight,im just waiting for it to pass ,but its been about ,well 9 days tommorrow ,im running out of fight ,so i sit in the shed ,huddeled in the cold and tell the ferrets how im feeling ,and tell them how im trying to sort it all out in my head ,but it wont work this time ,i just cant put it all in order like i normally can ,dont worry so my dear freind ,everyones so kind to me here ,but at the end of the day its happening and theres only me here to deal with it ,tommorrow i dont want to get up ,i dont want to see daylight ,i dont want to eat ,i dont want to see any tvs or hear any niose ,i dont want to see myself in the large mirror as i walk through the hall ,i dont want to be anything at all ,rather than feel like this any longer ,
your very kind blueisgreen ,keep yourself up ,stay strong ,be warmed by the blanket of the forum ,,,ken

[blueisgreen]

Oh Ken, it must be so so hard to keep up that game face. Maybe you can just sort of tell Fran you are feeling weird and need to make a call - no big deal.
Like you say to all of us here, I am also standing next to you and holding your hand. You can do it Ken. Have a nice cup of tea and call the phone number you keep for this situation. Please Ken I am standing right next to you, whispering in your ear that you can do it and that I care and I am your friend. When you get up tomorrow I will be with you - just like how you were with me over this dreadful holiday break last week. All of us are standing next to you Ken, never forget that. Keep fighting my friend.

[xn728]

i see you ,and it gives me strength,but sorry i cant make that call ,and
anyway i would only get lip service ,you dont sound to good yourself ,have that lie down ,dont worry so ,i have to write about whats happening ,i have no other outlet ,,please rest yourself ,your so kind
and i know what everyone thinks of me ,bless you ,,,ken

[xn728]

blueisgreen ,how are you ,hope your feeling ok ,im hoping your not feeling
to bad just now ,i know the holiday was a strain,but we were with you ,as you with i ,,thanks ,dont be a stranger ,im still in the grip,i need my warrior,but cant find him ,,,,,,,,,,ken xn728

[blueisgreen]

Hey there Ken,
Thank you for reaching out.
I am just ok today, but quite relieved Thanksgiving '09
is now behind me. If I can make it through Christmas and New years
I'll be in the home stretch for a while. I had to go out today to drive my daughter to her father's. I went past my boyfriend's house and there were
2 vehicles parked at his house that i did not recognize, so of course now
my mind is racing about all this negative stuff I am assuming.
I am sending you strength to find your warrior and the arsenal of weapons
to carry on as best as you can.
You always can say anything here - isn't that wonderful?
So many understanding souls who will not judge you - only those who want to help you and send you the support you need.
Feel it. Know it. Be well.

[crybaby1086]

((((((Ken)))))) Keep on posting and pouring out your heart and soul to us. I feel this does take away the demons power so the more you unload and the more you reach out the less power he has over you. Togeather we are strong and can take anything.

[xn728]

blueisgreen, crybaby,thanks im feeling a little better ,i was at work today ,and the women at the shop were chatting about xmas ,i really didnt want to hear
this so i carried on painting ,it was sometime later i realised i had been taking part in the conversation ,and i felt a little better ,the thing that had me for 10 days seems to have gone ,my sword is at my side ,and i feel not great but ok ,not thinking of death anyway ,im putting up the xmas
decorations tommorrow ,i dont have to work till friday now ,im very tired from being ill ,the litium is doing something to my thyriod ,the doctors rang today ,i have to have a blood test tommorrow ,not sure what this is about ,sure its fine ,,i think the post about the biker sent me down the tubes blueisgreen im sorry your worrying about the cars ,please be strong no matter how you feel ,we will look out for each other ,and our words will keep you safe ,crybaby you to always talk to me when im down i do listen to everything you say ,and even though i may not answer
i do hold everyword tightly in my mind ,you also be safe ,no matter what is sent to try you,,bless you both ,,,and all ,,,,,,,,,,ken ,,,,,xn728