Crashing Hard

[shatteredhopes]

(((((Dandelion)))))(((((DeepEyes)))))(((((TackingintotheWind)))))(((((Lisalou)))))(((((Mich)))))(((((Crybaby))))((((Ken))))

Thanks all, hope I didn't leave anyone off...your words of comfort and support and suggestions mean so much and are literally keeping me afloat. Yesterday was really terrible, but I am feeling a little better today and trying not to feel sorry for myself nor think about things too much and trying to keep memories at bay and just hang on, and hope for better things.

Dandelion...thanks for sharing the poem. You are a beautiful spirit and I wish you lived close to me in the U.S. so neither of us would have to be alone so much and could hang out, but am grateful we can spend time together and be friends here.

Lisalou, I think its sweet that your cat was saying hello! I like to think that maybe your kitty sensed me missing my kitty and was right there with you supporting me...you reminded me I have a new box of Earl Grey and think I will make a pot in a bit to enjoy, along with some clementines only around in certain seasons and they are my favorite fruit, and I forgot I had them.

Tackingintothewind...I believe in human rights too and have been involved in campaigns for human rights so you make a good point and I shouldn't be so duplicitious and recognize, I, too, have value. After all I fought a human rights case against the mental hospital to defend myself against abuses I suffered and make things better for others, and have been involved in campaigns on a global scale for various political prisoners and such...I just hate how much we humans have to suffer so senselessly sometimes and feel so often my efforts are just a drop in the bucket compared to the need. I get frustrated I can't do more and am not in a position to "move mountains" so I give up sometimes and don't even do my part, which is wrong, because we all need to do what we can to help others and then maybe things will work out okay. I worry too that my comments to others are trival or too busy body or whatever, but hopefully people know I am just desperately trying to be helpful, just as you were helpful to me.

DeepEyes...I hope you are right and I will know love and happiness again, but at least today I don't know the extreme sorrow of yesterday so I will plug along another day.

Mich...you are quickly becoming a dear, dear friend and I will hang on with you another day and continue to try to take baby steps with you as I can and try to hold out hope that something better will come along and healing is possible, for both of us.

Thanks ((((((((((((((ALL))))))))))))))

EDIT TO ADD ((((((((((FORGOTTEN SOUL)))))))))

[dandelion]

/me gives you her chocolate and a warm hug

((((((((((((((((((((( shatteredhope ))))))))))))))))))))))))

You are a wonderful and beautiful spirit as well my friend, will remind you that everytime you forgot <3

Love
dandelion

[xn728]

shatteredhopes you sometimes when your bad wish for death as i do ,it wont come though will it .
no we are not worthy of realise are we ,no we are better than that
god wont let us die because others need us ,i need you you need me ,as
we all do in here ,we fall down and become blind to our loves and our freinds ,simple things done are big things to us ,he cant take us from this place even if our pain is unbearable ,he knows if we were to die ,other would greive and perhaps not cope and follow ,you have such good things to say ,i dont ever want to hear your silence ,i feel right now as i type
that i cant go on ,i can almost make myself believe that i can free myself
and no one would hurt ,just to give me a rest ,but i cant ,and what do i do
i try to speak to you SHOUTING SO YOU MAY HEAR ME LISTEN ,im sorry you cant go anywere ,we need you here ,and no matter what you think
people need you were you are now ,you said something in the post to me about the cake ,you wished that you had something ,im sure you will one day ,the wonderful person you are ,im sure someone is looking for you now ,i hope they find you soon,,,,,shall we sit and have i nice cup of tea
ill make it now ,,,,,,,,,ken ,,,,,,xn728,,,,,,,,,(((((shatteredhopes)))))

[DeepEyes]

I am so happy you feel slightly better friend, really, and your mood will lift still if you believe it can, and i know it will, i know you will pull through this with us by your side, and one day it will be but a distant memory, and you shall know what it is to be truely happy, remember, your never alone, my thoughts are with you, you have a good heart my friend, and to me thats all that matters xxx

[shatteredhopes]

Last night I went to the grocer and got some super cheap but good smelling shower gel and some chocolate. I took a bubble bath with the gel and a movie came on I liked so I got through the night. I just don't know how much longer the little things can keep me going.

I walk around with a dull ache in my heart and every so often it overflows into extreme sorrow and I cannot contain it. I am lethargic with little to no motivation. My face looks drawn and pale and my eyes look empty of light.

My mom is taking me out to dinner, thankfully, and I will try to force myself to put make-up on and try to look presentable.

I have managed to stay away from the poetry site for a while now, knowing he is writing all this love poetry to the woman he is with now. My piece may be published tomorrow, but I don't even care anymore. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I know I should just be grateful I have a roof over my head, heat, food, I can see hear walk and think...so many people are suffering so much more...but I just think sometimes if I weren't here what little I have could go to charity and people that have less and would appreciate it and who actually want to live would benefit.

I know that's dangerous thinking. I'm just having a hard time finding any hope. The relationship was pretty much what kept me from ending my life. I know that's not healthy, but it finally eased some of the pain from previous losses and hurts, and I finally felt I had a partner and a future. Now I don't want to ever risk my heart again.

Everything I hang on to it seems I lose. I fear my mom is not much longer for this world, as she is elderly and in poor health. I worry what will happen to her and hope I go first because I won't be able to bear it.

I am so sad. But hanging on a day at a time to whatever little thing I can at a given moment.

[xn728]

hey my dear freind ,it sounds like we look in the same mirror ,please be strong ,i dont even have the luxery of going out ,i feel like nothing can help me this time ,it must be 8 days ive felt like this now ,i cannot find the weapons any more to carry on ,but you must your demons were not created by you ,and you deserve to be lifted by the hand of kindness ,fight on dear shatteredhopes ,be strong we all think of and
hear you ,turn around and you will see us walk out of the shadows and carry you into the light ,,,,ken

[blueisgreen]

Shattered,
I wish I had been able to access a computer on Thanksgiving so that I could have been there for you right away. Please know I was there in spirit.
I hope your dinner with your mother goes well. Do you remember that old song, "what a difference a day makes"? 24 little hours. One hour at a time,
day by day, you must hang on and know how many people care for you and want you to be ok. I hope your poem is published. That would be a cause for a little treat / celebration! Keep posting. Sending you strength.

[lisalou]

i'm glad you are able to find little positive things that keep you going and one day there will be bigger things. is there another poetry site you can join? thinking of you....

Lisa xx

[shatteredhopes]

Well, my editorial was NOT published today as I anticipated, but I don't much care. Its been a bad day. I seem to be getting worse, not better, with time. I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.

Went with my mom to dinner yesterday, but didn't bother with the make up just brushed my hair and threw on clothes. It was nice that she took me. She does many little nice things for me, and I know how much it would hurt her if I ended my life.

I just can't stand the pain. I so wish I could just drink to dull the ache, but I don't have that option given I'm an alcoholic. I hate having to feel the sorrow and carry it with me. At times it is overwhelming and at times it just plain hurts and I so want something to numb myself. I just don't know how long I can go on like this.

Thanks all for listening. Writing about it helps a bit.

[blueisgreen]

Well good for you for fighting the urge to drink and self medicate!
It's wonderful that you care enough about yourself to keep your addiction in check! That takes great strength of mind and character.
Hold on and keep fighting!
I'm really sorry that your piece was not published today. Perhaps it will be tomorrow? Don't give up! Never give up! Stephen King once tried to get an entry level newspaper job in Denver and they didn't think he was good enough - can you imagine what his life would be like now if he had been hired?
And I heard JK Rowling had quite a time getting the first Harry Potter book published, too.
And you find room in your heart for your mother...very admirable.
I am here and sending you good wishes. Stay strong. Keep posting and you will get through.

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((((Lisalou)))))))))))) we were posting at the same time. Unfortunately, he is on a ton of poetry sites and wouldn't know where I could go to not run into him. That's why I know he just wanted to hurt me, because he could have posted all that love poetry to his new person on many, many other sites but he chose the only one I was on with him. I was posting on this alcoholic recovery site. He had left the site long ago, hated it, and wanted nothing to do with it, but when he broke up with me he posted all over it, just to drive me off I think, even though he's on a ton of other recovery sites and that was my only one, and he goes to meetings. I so fear he would wander into this site one day, which is one reason I am not using my name and avoiding specifics about my identity. I have so little support and this is my only outlet right now. My mom is sweet, but she doesn't understand depression at all and I can't really talk to her about stuff. My friend is kind, but it is frustrating trying to talk to him sometimes. My other friends are casual and it would not be appropriate to talk to them about my personal stuff.

I just wish I could die.

[Monty]

This ex of yours sounds like a real piece of work.

It is dropping to the lowest of the low for him to be treating you like this.

Know that this easy to say, but harder to do. Try to think of how precious you are to your mother. She knows you the best of everyone. You mom seems to be really in your corner.

Try to concentrate on the considerate feelings that your mom and the members of this group show to you.

Don't let your ex win. With your mom's and our help, lets all of us kick that scum to the curb.

You deserve to be treated well, not like crap. He is the one that is full of it.

[blueisgreen]

I agree with Monty! He sounds like a very mean person to purposely want to
hurt you by posting in places he knows you are active. There is no reason for such cruelty. I'm very glad you have a loving mother, and I think earlier before I confused you with somebody else so I'm sorry I made the remark that you found a place in your heart for your mother - I thought
she was mean to you, so I was confused, and I'm sorry if that sounded weird.
Keep thinking about all the good you have to offer the right person.
Creative writing is a great gift and outlet.
Keep writing and stay strong!
Maybe a Tylenol pm can help you sleep?
I wish you good dreams and a better day tomorrow.

[crybaby1086]

((((Shatteredhopess)))) keep doing the little things for yourself. It is important to be kind to yourself. I'm jealous of your writing talent. I wish I had the gift of words. Unfortunally they are locked in my head and unable to get out. Keep fighting, something better is coming.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I hope this post won't sound superficial or trite. The more I post, the more I wonder if I'm not being arrogant, even thinking that I have anything to say that might help people who are in such pain as yourself. But, at the end of the day, my thoughts, feelings and experiences are all I have to contribute to this site. So, here goes.....
When I was at my lowest ebb, I found it was the little things that kept me going too. I made a list of all the little things that would help me get through the next day. I remember feeling so low that the thought of ending my life was very much with me. But, as an example, I just happened to see a trailer on BBC1 for the ( Then, upcoming ), five-part serial Torchwood:Children of Earth, and being a huge Doctor Who/Torchwood fan, just knowing that this was coming gave me something to look forward to, and a reason to hang on.
Try not to think of " The Future ", when I do that I get scared.
Try to move from moment to moment from one little, good thing, to another little good thing. I found that was the only way I could cope sometimes.
Remember, you are no less deserving, no more less worthy than any other human being.
Who knows what the future may bring? If you end your life now, what task might you leave undone? What destiny might you leave unfulfilled? What if Rosa Parkes had killed herself a year before that day that she refused to sit at the back of the bus?
Also, it is a fact that good and evil exist in the world. There are a certain number of evil people in the world, and a certain number of good people in the world. ( I choose to believe the number of good people is far greater. ) I've been reading your posts for a couple of months now. And, I believe that you are a good person. Good and evil exist in a balance, if a good person, such as yourself, were to leave the world, then surely good would be weakened and evil would be strengthened. ( How's that for a guilt-trip! I can't believe I'm not Jewish! But, I'm being entirely serious. ) If the only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing, then we need all the good people we can't get!
Please hangon , and help us to hang on together.