Well I wrote up my idea last night, and will polish and edit the piece today. I feel so naive, foolish, and stupid. I'm not especially knowledgeable on the subject matter and I think who the heck am I to dare propose something? My confidence is so low. But, I am planning to force myself to submit it anyway to the newspaper, a friend with expertise but slanted opinion on the subject, a website that publishes articles, and an elected official I know.
With depression comes low confidence and beating myself up. I know its wrong, I just can't seem to change it. Plus, after this, I don't know what to do next. My dreams have died and I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what to hope for or how to go on, just existing day at a time for as long as I can, awaiting a miracle that never comes...every time I think things are getting better, something negative comes along, and things get worse.
I need a boost of hope, a goal...something ambitious enough to motivate me and keep me from self-harm, but realistic enough to be reachable.
Feeling foolish and stupid
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shatteredhopes
- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
I am glad you wrote up your piece last night. It is perfectly legitimate for you to submit an idea, a proposal. You are a concerned citizen and we need more people like you putting things forward. I am proud of you for doing it.
As far as new goals are concerned, do you think something could come out of this proposal you are making? Could that create some sort of role for you? I don't know what the topic is but you are very passionate about it....seems like a good fit.
What are your interests? Mine are medical related. I always wanted to be doctor but my parents were very negative about my ability to achieve that so I dropped the idea. It is the biggest regret of my life. And sadly, it is too late now.
I would love to know your interests and areas where your goals might lie.
As far as new goals are concerned, do you think something could come out of this proposal you are making? Could that create some sort of role for you? I don't know what the topic is but you are very passionate about it....seems like a good fit.
What are your interests? Mine are medical related. I always wanted to be doctor but my parents were very negative about my ability to achieve that so I dropped the idea. It is the biggest regret of my life. And sadly, it is too late now.
I would love to know your interests and areas where your goals might lie.
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shatteredhopes
- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
((((((((((((Mich))))))))))))) Just like you wanted to go to med school, I planned to go to law or grad school and never did. Now pushing 50, feel its late for me and not up to studying and workload now anyway. Maybe as a senior citizen, if I live that long, I will pursue something.
Have you given any thought to nursing school? Nurses can go on to become practioners and prescribe medicine, treat patients, etc. Its not too late for that if you have an interest. Plus, you could go into psychiatric nursing, given you understand better how patients feel. You mentioned you might like to volunteer at the hospital. Some places also offer free blood pressure screenings and simple services that you don't have to be an expert just learn basic skills...but you may save someone's life by finding their hypertension and directing them to the doctor. You can learn CPR. Its a useful thing to know, and maybe you could with just a little effort become qualified to teach it...imagine training many, many people who will go on to be at the right place at the right time to save someone having a heart attack...
I have fantasized about how my proposal will turn out, but its just grandiose delusion. My dreams poisoned my life, and maybe now that this last remnant is out of the way, I can finally move on to something more realistic.
I just don't know what I'm up for at this point.
Have you given any thought to nursing school? Nurses can go on to become practioners and prescribe medicine, treat patients, etc. Its not too late for that if you have an interest. Plus, you could go into psychiatric nursing, given you understand better how patients feel. You mentioned you might like to volunteer at the hospital. Some places also offer free blood pressure screenings and simple services that you don't have to be an expert just learn basic skills...but you may save someone's life by finding their hypertension and directing them to the doctor. You can learn CPR. Its a useful thing to know, and maybe you could with just a little effort become qualified to teach it...imagine training many, many people who will go on to be at the right place at the right time to save someone having a heart attack...
I have fantasized about how my proposal will turn out, but its just grandiose delusion. My dreams poisoned my life, and maybe now that this last remnant is out of the way, I can finally move on to something more realistic.
I just don't know what I'm up for at this point.
((((((((((((((( Shatteredhope Mich ))))))))))))))))))))
Nothing is too late! there is always time for us to do things that we like. Im not sure about others, i always thought that it is too late for me to think that i would be happy again or it is too late for me to do things anymore since i am working now and busy with school work. i always like to do some charity work, working with people that need help, i remember during my university year, i used to volunteer for the blind people, i need to take two trains to go to their place and volunteer, but it is worth it. The satisfaction is there. And with the way i am now, bipolar, anxiety and depressed, i cant even take care of myself, let alone others. But i finally realised that i need to do something about it, i need motivation to keep me moving on, i need to do something that make me feel like i am not a burden to people like what most people in my real life said to me. i need to contribute to people, so i decided to teach at the orphan/foster home for free on every saturday. Even though it is only once a week, at least it is something. And yeah, its never to late for us to change the way we feel, or change the way we are, there are still hope, opportunity that we can grab and work on it.
Maybe try to find what you like can help you, maybe try knitting or do crotchet and donate them to people who need them. It is worth it, believe me. I hope you feel better shatteredhope, take care and be well
dandelion
Nothing is too late! there is always time for us to do things that we like. Im not sure about others, i always thought that it is too late for me to think that i would be happy again or it is too late for me to do things anymore since i am working now and busy with school work. i always like to do some charity work, working with people that need help, i remember during my university year, i used to volunteer for the blind people, i need to take two trains to go to their place and volunteer, but it is worth it. The satisfaction is there. And with the way i am now, bipolar, anxiety and depressed, i cant even take care of myself, let alone others. But i finally realised that i need to do something about it, i need motivation to keep me moving on, i need to do something that make me feel like i am not a burden to people like what most people in my real life said to me. i need to contribute to people, so i decided to teach at the orphan/foster home for free on every saturday. Even though it is only once a week, at least it is something. And yeah, its never to late for us to change the way we feel, or change the way we are, there are still hope, opportunity that we can grab and work on it.
Maybe try to find what you like can help you, maybe try knitting or do crotchet and donate them to people who need them. It is worth it, believe me. I hope you feel better shatteredhope, take care and be well
dandelion
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shatteredhopes
- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
Well, my friend didn't like my piece at all. He was kinda a jerk about it, too.
I am feeling especially sad and lonely. I went to the grocer last night to get some things and pick up something somewhat special to treat myself to on Thanksgiving, and they asked at the counter if I wanted to send some cakes to the troops. That made me think of my ex-boyfriend (he is in the military), then movies came on he and I watched together, and other little reminders. I got word that my younger brother (whom I love dearly) and his family are coming in on Christmas and leaving New Year's. But I know that will mean I will have to put up with my sister demeaning me just to spend time with him, and there will be times my other brother will be there so I will not be able to be around.
I feel so alone. I know it must be hard to have to stiffle feelings around families, but I so wish I weren't alone so much. I am hurting and I hate my life and my circumstances and don't know how much longer I can go on. The pain just doesn't cease. I need a distraction or someone to talk to, so I am writing on here.
All my hopes and dreams have died. I dread the holidays so much. I don't know how I'm going to get through it. I don't know how I'm gunna get through today, either. I hurt. I have lost so much, and am so lonely right now.
I am feeling especially sad and lonely. I went to the grocer last night to get some things and pick up something somewhat special to treat myself to on Thanksgiving, and they asked at the counter if I wanted to send some cakes to the troops. That made me think of my ex-boyfriend (he is in the military), then movies came on he and I watched together, and other little reminders. I got word that my younger brother (whom I love dearly) and his family are coming in on Christmas and leaving New Year's. But I know that will mean I will have to put up with my sister demeaning me just to spend time with him, and there will be times my other brother will be there so I will not be able to be around.
I feel so alone. I know it must be hard to have to stiffle feelings around families, but I so wish I weren't alone so much. I am hurting and I hate my life and my circumstances and don't know how much longer I can go on. The pain just doesn't cease. I need a distraction or someone to talk to, so I am writing on here.
All my hopes and dreams have died. I dread the holidays so much. I don't know how I'm going to get through it. I don't know how I'm gunna get through today, either. I hurt. I have lost so much, and am so lonely right now.
Shatteredhopes - I am so sorry I have not been around today as it has been a really hard day for you. I am sorry your friend had a negative reaction to your submission....but that's only one person. The other people you plan to submit to may have a completely opposite opinion.
Gotta go for a few minutes. Kids coming in.
Gotta go for a few minutes. Kids coming in.
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blueisgreen
- Posts: 63
- Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2009 7:36 pm
- Location: USA
Hi Shattered Hopes,
Please know that you are not alone as long as you are able to post on this forum.
Everyone here is so kind. If we all lived closer I'm sure we could all be each other's holiday family.
I know Thanksgiving is tough. I have spent it alone, or cooking for multitudes without any help or
appreciation. A friend once died of an asthma attack at my house on Thanksgiving.
If anybody here can reach out to you now, it is me.
My partner will be spending the holiday with his x-wife and his 3 "kids" who are
between the ages of 22 and 30. This makes me completely ill. I am leaving the state because I can't take it. I made plans to visit a friend who just informed me I will be helping her
cook for 13 people I do not know and have never met.
I'm thankful I'll be able to hide in her kitchen.
These days are tougher than ever for all of us suffering here.
I will do my best to help anyone I can with my words and good energy.
We need each other more than ever now. I am here for anyone who needs me.
Please know that you are not alone as long as you are able to post on this forum.
Everyone here is so kind. If we all lived closer I'm sure we could all be each other's holiday family.
I know Thanksgiving is tough. I have spent it alone, or cooking for multitudes without any help or
appreciation. A friend once died of an asthma attack at my house on Thanksgiving.
If anybody here can reach out to you now, it is me.
My partner will be spending the holiday with his x-wife and his 3 "kids" who are
between the ages of 22 and 30. This makes me completely ill. I am leaving the state because I can't take it. I made plans to visit a friend who just informed me I will be helping her
cook for 13 people I do not know and have never met.
I'm thankful I'll be able to hide in her kitchen.
These days are tougher than ever for all of us suffering here.
I will do my best to help anyone I can with my words and good energy.
We need each other more than ever now. I am here for anyone who needs me.
hello there you ok
shatteredhopes ,how are you feeling ,need a little time in quiet,
thats ok let us know how you are ,stay safe. even when your not here,
we see your words and call out to you ,,,,,,,ken
thats ok let us know how you are ,stay safe. even when your not here,
we see your words and call out to you ,,,,,,,ken
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shatteredhopes
- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
I had a really rough morning. Then I went to help my mom with her grocery shopping, and she was talking about Thanksgiving. I feel a little bitter, as well as hurt. They will all get together for holiday cheer use my parents wedding china and how she's gunna make her special cake she only makes at the holidays...blah blah blah meanwhile I will be fighting flashbacks and memories of the traumatic event I suffered on Thanksgiving all alone and after my boyfriend recently dumped me and my life is in the toilet. I am feeling very sorry for myself.
I am feeling hurt and annoyed at my friend's reaction to my piece, and like, don't you know how fragile I am, you don't have to agree, but why can't people just be kind? Now I am nervous that if they publish it I am going to get a lot of negative reaction. Oh well. I took a chance and as is typical, it will likely blow up in my face.
I for one want to be kind because you never know who is on the edge. I still have a latte coupon I cannot use because the clerks there were rude with me after I called headquarters on them...I can't handle anyone being nasty to me right now, I am losing it and so close to the edge. Its all I can do to get through the day without ending my life or drinking and I just want people to be reasonably nice and sensitive...but that's unrealistic. People are just people and some are total SELF-CENSORED DUE TO WEBSITE RULES.
I slept a bit and am feeling a little better but definitely on my pity pot about everything. Its not healthy for me to wallow in self-pity on top of everything, so I'll sign off now and try to comfort myself as best I can.
Thanks ((blueisgreen, mich, ken)) for caring. It means more than I could put into words.
I am feeling hurt and annoyed at my friend's reaction to my piece, and like, don't you know how fragile I am, you don't have to agree, but why can't people just be kind? Now I am nervous that if they publish it I am going to get a lot of negative reaction. Oh well. I took a chance and as is typical, it will likely blow up in my face.
I for one want to be kind because you never know who is on the edge. I still have a latte coupon I cannot use because the clerks there were rude with me after I called headquarters on them...I can't handle anyone being nasty to me right now, I am losing it and so close to the edge. Its all I can do to get through the day without ending my life or drinking and I just want people to be reasonably nice and sensitive...but that's unrealistic. People are just people and some are total SELF-CENSORED DUE TO WEBSITE RULES.
I slept a bit and am feeling a little better but definitely on my pity pot about everything. Its not healthy for me to wallow in self-pity on top of everything, so I'll sign off now and try to comfort myself as best I can.
Thanks ((blueisgreen, mich, ken)) for caring. It means more than I could put into words.
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shatteredhopes
- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
I stopped therapy almost immediately after I started because I couldn't afford it, not because I didn't want it or need it, but after my last hospitalization I was court ordered into therapy. The therapist offered me a fee reduction so I was in therapy for a year, then the bean counters denied the promised fee reduction...now I owe them all this money and they are threatening to go to a collection agency and I am supposed to see the doctor on Tuesday and I am afraid they are going to deny me services because I can't pay the old bill, much less my full co-pay for each session...I don't know what I'm going to do if I can't get my medicine. I only see the doctor for about 5 minutes every three months but at least it allows me to get medicine.
I wish I could get therapy of some kind. This site and my meds are all I have.
I wish I could get therapy of some kind. This site and my meds are all I have.
That's terrible that they changed their minds on the fee reduction. That just isn't right! I don't know what you can do other than plead your case and hope they extend you some kindness. You are right, there are mean people in the world out there. I hope your day today is filled with kind and giving people.
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shatteredhopes
- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
I'm so sorry...I know how hard it is to deal with the pain. Are you isolating? I wonder today if you could try to make a connection with a friend? It's probably the last thing you feel like doing but I don't want you to be alone right now. You have mentioned before that you are blessed with a few good friends and they would want you to reach out to them if you were in trouble. I wish I could come and sit with you today. Please stay safe. I am here today if you feel like writing. *hugs*
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