DESTRUCTIVE URGE

[xn728]

warmie girl ,,sorry to disapoint ,i keep my promise ,but will share it with
knowone ,just think of the dissapointment i have had in my life ,today yes
dissapionted in myself ,i have enough to carry without you being hurt also
please let me walk on and still have my freinds in my mind ,you could not imagine what that simple thing triggered ,ive said sorry to dandelion ,and tryed to explain ,mich you have all you need here to stay strong ,you have got a lot better over the last few weeks ,soon i will be forgotten .and there will be lots of new freinds ,maybe the darkness is better for me ,ive been there a long time ,i always said i would not be able to live without depression ,,,it will be a long night for me ,but by the morning i will have traveled far ,,,,good night((((( girl ,goodnight mich ))))),,dear freinds ken

[xn728]

im not going to explain about the trigger in detail ,i just need everyone to know ,it was a very dark time in my life ,worse than the fire,it nearly ended my marrage ,myself and fran were both innocent victims ,it was a strange event ,and something i will never really understand ,apart from it was started vindictifly,and it very nearly finished me ,im sorry if i seemed irrasional ,and i didnt want to upset my freinds ,hope you understand ,ken

[xn728]

so ive returned to my thread ,how much damage have i caused this time
well we will see ,ya know theres something wrong my head ,and i do irrasional things ,they always have lost me freinds ,so its nothing new ,i cant expect you to feel the way you all do ,and then i go stomping off and upset you all ,dont put up with it ,im sick of myself ,so ill just look around and hang out ,and relpy here and there ,if youve had enough ill understand ,i can still be here i dont need a response,,maybe i tell the trigger story one day ,i dont know ,i feel bad for dandelion i really do i said all i can to her ,its hard when you reach out and nothing happens

thanks ,,,,,,,,ken

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Ken,

We didn't go anyplace. I didn't. Still here, still talking with you. When it is right for you, that is what is important.

Dandelion is a jewel and truly deserves happiness in her life. Supporting her, each other is what it is all about.

Take care of yourself, we are here.

Warmie

[xn728]

ok warmie girl ,ive held out my hand to dandelion today ,i can do nothing more ,,,ken

[xn728]

i dont look down as i walk along because of the people ,its because i can see the world in front of me ,its big and never ends ,i want it to stop ,i dont like the daylight ,ive given fran and the girls everything they want and need ,and now ,i feel nothing ,theres nothing out there for me ,no goals ,no things to be excited about anymore ,i feel empty and lonely
waking up to a desolate unforgiving feeling of not being a part of anything anymore ,no love as a child ,a letter came this morning from my mother
i burned it without even opening it ,i hate everything i have become ,everywere i go ,i touch like death and it falls to the ground before my eyes ,even here i feel alone ,i changed something with my vinditive rants ,i feel cold in here ,your pain is great ,mine i can bear so it will remain quiet,but whatever harm ive done ,i do think the world of you all ,and wish you all well ,i pray you dont have to make the same journey as i do ,please no ,stay safe ,my thoughts are with you always .ive been offered the assitant manager job at the shop ,but i will turn it down ,it does nothing for me no thoughts of a challenge here ,im just not interested i hate life ,i really do ,hope to see you all post again soon ,,,,ken

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((( Ken )))))))))))))))))))

It isn't cold in here if you will allow the concern and love get to you. Sorry I haven't been posting much. Many reasons, business meetings, doctor visits, MRI's, and to be truthful it hurts to sit and type.

Look down sometimes. You know the pennies you may find, those are kisses from the angels. Pick them up, carry them close.

Now off to yet another meeting. Sorry...

Warmie

[xn728]

warmie girl ,i dont want everyone to be here just for me ,i never said anything about anyone not posting ,everyone has things to do ,i said i feel cold in here ,not its cold in here ,just saying how i had made( myself feel )
i cant win warmie ,i wasnt complaining ,i was laying down how i felt .
maybe i didnt word it right i dont know ill apologise anyway its all i do
theses days ,sorry if ive said something wrong
sorry girl ,just not working for me is it ,just not working ken

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Ken, not what I meant, my fault.

/me hushes..........

[xn728]

im so down ,this is as bad as it was a few years ago ,i cant get of the bedroom floor ,round and round my head goes did i say something wrong ,did i misread,ijust want to say how imm feeling ,please dont let me have turn everything against me ,i suffer to why is it that im screwing it all up ,imtrying to write things in a good manor ,when i post or reply its
turning round and biting me in the backside ,you must believe i have nothing else ,even if i am bad i should have something ,please ,its my illness that makes me this way its no differant than anyone else its eating me alive ,it not my fault im scared of love and hugs and closeness,the very things i need,and i run from them ,im frightened of the very hting i crave your kindness ,imangine how that feels ,if i thought i had hurt anyone here ,i would not forgive myself ,if you cant understand me then ,leave me ,i just need to write ,if i got any lower than i am now ,i would be under the earth ,,,,ken

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((((( Ken ))))))))))))))))))))

I haven't gone anyplace, haven't changed my friendship with you. Just feel the more I type, the more I upset you. Sometimes having space from me is the best thing for others.

Take care of yourself and know there are many here that do in fact care about you.

Warmie

[xn728]

no girl ,dont stop typing ,i dont look for anything if i were never replyed to again ,i would be ok ,as long as i could write it down ,i know your busy ,answer when you feel fit ,but dont ever stops ,thanks ken ,,,,,,

[xn728]

sat and sun will be bad i know ,this grip it has is soooooo tight ,i struggle to breath ,it cause,e pain in my chest ,my mind spins round and round
i tell myself ,im ok and im not alone that feeling is mine ,i know your all around ,you always are ,the visitor i have not even thought of for 4,5 days but it got me big stlye now ,it my own mind that tells me these lies
but latly its made me out wardly irritable ,fran has commented ,i must suppress this new apparition ,but no ,this is real because she can see it
i must make it goe ,im must make it go ,i must make it go ,,,,,,,ken

[xn728]

today has turned out worse than i thought ,i had a little chance of a rest
today ,while i felt ill and it rains outside ,but no i have to fix my daughters car now ,whilst i feel like i could die ,she has no money and needs it badly
it not there fault these things happen ,but all i want is a little escape
and look what happens ,its killing me this life ,ive tryed hard and been good ,but have nothing but misery ,everytime time something happens to drag me further down ,i ask for nothing anymore now ,i dare,nt
thanks .see you ,,,,,ken ,,,xn728

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((( Ken ))))))))))))))))))

Sorry things are going this was for you. On a positive side:

You have your daughter, that loves you dearly. What a blessing.

Warmie