How do you forgive people who have caused enormous damage, when you live everyday with the hurt and pain they caused and can't heal, when they show no remorse, and not only don't have to pay for what they did, but seem to prosper? When they don't care enough about you as a fellow human being to apologize and make amends...when you are too weakened to hold to them to account or cannot?
I've tried imaginary conversations in my mind confronting them, writing letters which were never sent, praying for the people to have blessings until it made me too sick and I could pray for them no more...
I believe if I could forgive, it might help in my healing. Resentment and bitterness just compound the problems they caused. Like Nelson Mandela says, resentment is drinking the poison yourself and wishing your enemy would die...its counterproductive.
How do I let go and forgive and move on when I am still in so much pain from what they did?
How do I forgive?
Moderators: Sunlily92, windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
let go
what if you told them in your mind ,just say i forgive you for ,whatever it may be ,and move on ,this is causeing you great trouble i know ,im no expert i cant forgive myself ,let alone preach to you ,write it on a peice of paper and put it somewere safe ,but not were you will constantly see it ,look at it when you feel the need ,just to remind yourself you can forgive ,im sorry i can add nothing more ,,,,xn728
(((((((((((((( Shatteredhope )))))))))))))))))))))
I know its so hard to forgive somebody. I went through a stage where i feel like i could not forgive my brother for what he did to me because he is part of the reason why i have depression. But i learned that having all of the hatred and anger inside me is killing me and eating me up, its so hard to live with those every single day. then I learned how to forgive him (even though he still treat me like shit), i learned how to forgive him one step at a time and until now i am still trying. Even though he is ignorant towards my feeling and dont give a damn about it, i still try to forgive, i want my heart to feel at ease because i dont want hate to control my mind and my action. And everytime i see him now, i can feel that the hate is is slowly go away....its still there, but it is not as much as before.
(((((((((((((((((((((( shatteredhope ))))))))))))))))))))))))))
i am not sure what those people had done to you, and i really understand how hard it is to forgive and let alone forget. But you are in my thoughts and my prayer, try to let it go and forgive them, do it one step at a time. It is a long process i know and i hope things will be better for you. Lots of love and hugs for you
dandelion
I know its so hard to forgive somebody. I went through a stage where i feel like i could not forgive my brother for what he did to me because he is part of the reason why i have depression. But i learned that having all of the hatred and anger inside me is killing me and eating me up, its so hard to live with those every single day. then I learned how to forgive him (even though he still treat me like shit), i learned how to forgive him one step at a time and until now i am still trying. Even though he is ignorant towards my feeling and dont give a damn about it, i still try to forgive, i want my heart to feel at ease because i dont want hate to control my mind and my action. And everytime i see him now, i can feel that the hate is is slowly go away....its still there, but it is not as much as before.
(((((((((((((((((((((( shatteredhope ))))))))))))))))))))))))))
i am not sure what those people had done to you, and i really understand how hard it is to forgive and let alone forget. But you are in my thoughts and my prayer, try to let it go and forgive them, do it one step at a time. It is a long process i know and i hope things will be better for you. Lots of love and hugs for you
dandelion
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Hanging On
- Posts: 30
- Joined: Sat Nov 07, 2009 11:59 pm
Shatteredhope when I read your words I immediately thought of my Father. He has never been what you would call supportive of me since I told him that I was diagnosed with M. Depression and Anxiety. It has caused such a riff between us that I can not even call him without getting the usual sarcasm from him like, "Well what bad thing are you calling to tell me about now" or If he allowed me to tell him something anything in regard to my depression, good or bad, I'd get the " Haven't you rode that Dead horse long enough"
I always thought a parent was supposed to Love their child no matter what, I know I would Love my Daughter no matter what. I have always tried to call him and talk about anything to try and make our relationship better but I guess he is determined for that not to happen.
Naturally I don't hate my Dad but I do hate the way he reacts to me when I try to talk to him about my Depression & Anxiety. I have worried over it for many years but I always come to the same reasoning. I can't change him so its me that will have to. That means I will have to start excepting what we have and realize that is all there will ever be.
I know that not everybody we have problems with or that do us wrong will be a family member or somebody that we really want to stay friends with or keep a relationship with.
I do know just what you mean though. Its as if they are always getting away with what they do and nobody sees how much this person is hurting others. In fact at times it seems as if they glorify these type people. Holding them in high esteem for what, God only knows.
I guess I have written all of this to just let you know that we are in control of how these type people make us feel. Wash your hands of them and take care of yourself. We have enough problems with everyday life. I have talked with my Therapist on this topic and told her that due to the way people have treated me in the past, that I don't trust anyone new that I meet anymore and a lot of the people that I have know for a long time.
She told me It was a good idea to have people earn your trust first and prove it, or they weren't worthy of being a friend to begin with. Really made me stop and think about how I have been doing things. I'm always throwing myself out there and getting hurt because of it. I think that will start to change.
I know, I'm rambling. Sorry. I hope you know that you are a very special person that deserves to feel good. Don't let these terrible people win. They don't even know nor do they care that they have hurt you so wash your hands of them and move on to the people that will care about you. Believe me they are out there.
I always thought a parent was supposed to Love their child no matter what, I know I would Love my Daughter no matter what. I have always tried to call him and talk about anything to try and make our relationship better but I guess he is determined for that not to happen.
Naturally I don't hate my Dad but I do hate the way he reacts to me when I try to talk to him about my Depression & Anxiety. I have worried over it for many years but I always come to the same reasoning. I can't change him so its me that will have to. That means I will have to start excepting what we have and realize that is all there will ever be.
I know that not everybody we have problems with or that do us wrong will be a family member or somebody that we really want to stay friends with or keep a relationship with.
I do know just what you mean though. Its as if they are always getting away with what they do and nobody sees how much this person is hurting others. In fact at times it seems as if they glorify these type people. Holding them in high esteem for what, God only knows.
I guess I have written all of this to just let you know that we are in control of how these type people make us feel. Wash your hands of them and take care of yourself. We have enough problems with everyday life. I have talked with my Therapist on this topic and told her that due to the way people have treated me in the past, that I don't trust anyone new that I meet anymore and a lot of the people that I have know for a long time.
She told me It was a good idea to have people earn your trust first and prove it, or they weren't worthy of being a friend to begin with. Really made me stop and think about how I have been doing things. I'm always throwing myself out there and getting hurt because of it. I think that will start to change.
I know, I'm rambling. Sorry. I hope you know that you are a very special person that deserves to feel good. Don't let these terrible people win. They don't even know nor do they care that they have hurt you so wash your hands of them and move on to the people that will care about you. Believe me they are out there.
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crystalgaze
- Posts: 2511
- Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:11 pm
- Location: USA
Re: How do I forgive?
Hhmm.... You have asked a very good question shattered. How do you forgive (in general)?
I'm going to share what I did.... I don't know if it will work for you.
In no particular order:
1. To help in the healing process, I do not have the people who harmed me near me at all. I remove them from my space, so that I may move past whatever it is. I keep them out at all costs, since I know they are detrimental to me.
2. I take a "That's okay." approach, as in "That's okay. Don't worry; you won't catch me again." "Yeah, it hurt me, but that's okay."
3. From those situations, I try to take something away from them. (Learn something that will help me not to get hurt again.)
4. I usually talk out loud about the problem (but where no one else can hear) & curse if I must. (You dirty dog blah blah blah blah....)
5. Remind yourself that you're doing this "forgiving" for yourself & not them. (As far as you're concerned, you could careless if they rot.)
6. I also make sure to explore how I really feel about people. (For some people, if we happened to be in the same area & they dropped down on the ground & were dying, I know I wouldn't even want to help them. I acknowledge it & don't kick myself for feeling that way. That's just how I feel & who doesn't like it can love it. Get what I'm saying?)
7. Log/write if you must. Listen to music. Cry if you must, but make sure you tell yourself each time that you're not going to waste your time on those no-good folks any more. You can't cry forever & don't intend to do so forever & you make an effort at it.
Do just a little bit at a time or what you can & you will triumph. Make sure not to fall of the horse with it (meaning continue to make an effort at letting whatever it is go), but if you fall off the horse, get back on it. If a horse isn't an appropriate visual, then you know, you can pick something else.
8. After you've done some of this enough & feel like you have more control, I do a final exercise, which gives me a visual.
Usually I'll put on some music or something that makes me feel powerful (invincible almost) & what I will do is put them on (like a certain music track, earrings, whatever), something that makes you feel wonderful or made you feel really good in the past.
I stand up, clutching/wearing/listening to my favorite item in 1 hand, & I banish it for good. I'm right-handed, so I put out my right arm in front of me & proceed to blast it away. I visualize the situation, the evil, my feelings & every thing & tell it to "go away forever". It's a sort of "Leave me the f*** alone because I'm tired of this."
The visual is your chance to do with it what you would have wanted to do. If you wanted to kill it, there's your chance. If you wanted to curse it, there's your chance.
From that point, do your best not to think about it & not to talk about it for a good while. & if you start, stop & tell yourself to stop, that you dealt with it b4 when you blasted it away into nothingness, that you're not going back there again to dredge it up & reopen old wounds, that you are reclaiming your life, & that you are deserving of happiness, peace & good things.
If people don't want to treat you properly, REMOVE THEM FROM YOUR LIFE. I'm saying this because I have been there myself.
9. Lastly, you're much stronger than you think you are. Even if you are "weak", you still have some strength left or strength that can be created. Its finding it, channeling it & making it work for you.
10. Don't tell yourself you can't. That's another big no-no. If you do, you make sure to tell yourself you can & say that to yourself regularly. Most importantly, banish the negative self-talk or it will be very difficult to get anywhere you really want to go. If you tell yourself you can't or say never, you probably won't.
You don't have to be 'shattered' hopes all the time; you can be a different kind of hopes. gleeful hopes, hopeful hopes, joyous hopes, hanging on hopes.... Hope that makes sense.
Hope this helps you out a bit.
I'm going to share what I did.... I don't know if it will work for you.
In no particular order:
1. To help in the healing process, I do not have the people who harmed me near me at all. I remove them from my space, so that I may move past whatever it is. I keep them out at all costs, since I know they are detrimental to me.
2. I take a "That's okay." approach, as in "That's okay. Don't worry; you won't catch me again." "Yeah, it hurt me, but that's okay."
3. From those situations, I try to take something away from them. (Learn something that will help me not to get hurt again.)
4. I usually talk out loud about the problem (but where no one else can hear) & curse if I must. (You dirty dog blah blah blah blah....)
5. Remind yourself that you're doing this "forgiving" for yourself & not them. (As far as you're concerned, you could careless if they rot.)
6. I also make sure to explore how I really feel about people. (For some people, if we happened to be in the same area & they dropped down on the ground & were dying, I know I wouldn't even want to help them. I acknowledge it & don't kick myself for feeling that way. That's just how I feel & who doesn't like it can love it. Get what I'm saying?)
7. Log/write if you must. Listen to music. Cry if you must, but make sure you tell yourself each time that you're not going to waste your time on those no-good folks any more. You can't cry forever & don't intend to do so forever & you make an effort at it.
Do just a little bit at a time or what you can & you will triumph. Make sure not to fall of the horse with it (meaning continue to make an effort at letting whatever it is go), but if you fall off the horse, get back on it. If a horse isn't an appropriate visual, then you know, you can pick something else.
8. After you've done some of this enough & feel like you have more control, I do a final exercise, which gives me a visual.
Usually I'll put on some music or something that makes me feel powerful (invincible almost) & what I will do is put them on (like a certain music track, earrings, whatever), something that makes you feel wonderful or made you feel really good in the past.
I stand up, clutching/wearing/listening to my favorite item in 1 hand, & I banish it for good. I'm right-handed, so I put out my right arm in front of me & proceed to blast it away. I visualize the situation, the evil, my feelings & every thing & tell it to "go away forever". It's a sort of "Leave me the f*** alone because I'm tired of this."
The visual is your chance to do with it what you would have wanted to do. If you wanted to kill it, there's your chance. If you wanted to curse it, there's your chance.
From that point, do your best not to think about it & not to talk about it for a good while. & if you start, stop & tell yourself to stop, that you dealt with it b4 when you blasted it away into nothingness, that you're not going back there again to dredge it up & reopen old wounds, that you are reclaiming your life, & that you are deserving of happiness, peace & good things.
If people don't want to treat you properly, REMOVE THEM FROM YOUR LIFE. I'm saying this because I have been there myself.
9. Lastly, you're much stronger than you think you are. Even if you are "weak", you still have some strength left or strength that can be created. Its finding it, channeling it & making it work for you.
10. Don't tell yourself you can't. That's another big no-no. If you do, you make sure to tell yourself you can & say that to yourself regularly. Most importantly, banish the negative self-talk or it will be very difficult to get anywhere you really want to go. If you tell yourself you can't or say never, you probably won't.
You don't have to be 'shattered' hopes all the time; you can be a different kind of hopes. gleeful hopes, hopeful hopes, joyous hopes, hanging on hopes.... Hope that makes sense.
Hope this helps you out a bit.
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crystalgaze
- Posts: 2511
- Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:11 pm
- Location: USA
There is a person in my life, who has blown me away with an early b-day gift + a handwritten note.....
It feels as though this person was trying to make amends....
Now, this individual is someone who has caused me tremendous pain and/or damage & some of whose family has done as well, like in S-hopes' 1st post..... Due to
I think I questioned myself.... "Do I forgive this person?" Truthfully, when the package came, I didn't even want to touch it, & I didn't at first. I let my other loved one open it 1st because I couldn't see what this person could be sending me. I mean... I didn't want anything from him, for all that has needlessly occurred....
It isn't just me this person has wronged, but my mother (recently), my father (recently) & my brother (way back when). When my dad was battling cancer, this person whom I've known all my life was absent. When my mother was laid up in bed in pain a few months ago, that person was nowhere around at all. He didn't even call her in her time of crisis. He hasn't cared for me throughout my path to recovery & discovering the truth about whether I'm actually depressed or bipolar (which I know I am not).
The only thing I will admit to being is a little depressed, but I believe I can beat it without meds--at least for right now. I do not believe that pills solve anything or rather I should say I don't believe pills from psychiatric medicine solve anything, especially for a bunch of people I believe to be some of the most self-serving specialists in medicine--maybe them & plastic surgeons ....
Maybe my opinion will change in the next few years.... I will wait this thing out a little longer.... Maybe my depression will lift when my situation changes. I mean, being sick, only slightly marketable, needing to go back to school & not knowing how I'm even going to do it or IF I'll be able to do it, being jobless, getting sick every time I try to make a move to do something, et al is more than enough to make anyone depressed.
However, I do know that I have a lot for which I can be more grateful & believe me--I am most appreciative for that little bit. IT ALL REALLY COULD BE MUCH, MUCH WORSE THAN IT CURRENTLY IS.
Do I wish things would get better? Of course....
Getting back on track with this post.... I really did not want to be bothered with this person.... I still don't know whether I want to be bothered, but I am going to try to keep an open mind..... That is all. (I would want forgiveness, if I did wrong....)
It feels as though this person was trying to make amends....
Now, this individual is someone who has caused me tremendous pain and/or damage & some of whose family has done as well, like in S-hopes' 1st post..... Due to
I think I questioned myself.... "Do I forgive this person?" Truthfully, when the package came, I didn't even want to touch it, & I didn't at first. I let my other loved one open it 1st because I couldn't see what this person could be sending me. I mean... I didn't want anything from him, for all that has needlessly occurred....
It isn't just me this person has wronged, but my mother (recently), my father (recently) & my brother (way back when). When my dad was battling cancer, this person whom I've known all my life was absent. When my mother was laid up in bed in pain a few months ago, that person was nowhere around at all. He didn't even call her in her time of crisis. He hasn't cared for me throughout my path to recovery & discovering the truth about whether I'm actually depressed or bipolar (which I know I am not).
The only thing I will admit to being is a little depressed, but I believe I can beat it without meds--at least for right now. I do not believe that pills solve anything or rather I should say I don't believe pills from psychiatric medicine solve anything, especially for a bunch of people I believe to be some of the most self-serving specialists in medicine--maybe them & plastic surgeons ....
Maybe my opinion will change in the next few years.... I will wait this thing out a little longer.... Maybe my depression will lift when my situation changes. I mean, being sick, only slightly marketable, needing to go back to school & not knowing how I'm even going to do it or IF I'll be able to do it, being jobless, getting sick every time I try to make a move to do something, et al is more than enough to make anyone depressed.
However, I do know that I have a lot for which I can be more grateful & believe me--I am most appreciative for that little bit. IT ALL REALLY COULD BE MUCH, MUCH WORSE THAN IT CURRENTLY IS.
Do I wish things would get better? Of course....
Getting back on track with this post.... I really did not want to be bothered with this person.... I still don't know whether I want to be bothered, but I am going to try to keep an open mind..... That is all. (I would want forgiveness, if I did wrong....)
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shatteredhopes
- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
TRIGGER
When I was hearing voices, one of the things they said was "Show the monsters mercy, you lose." I think I lose in temporal sense, but will it profit me in a spiritual sense, evolve my soul so to speak? I can't seem to sustain the anger, hatred moments, it gives way to the hurt. Neither is good. I look at how my ex-boyfriend is prospering after the horrible way he treated me at times, the cruel way he handled dumping me, the way he is flaunting his new love, his book, etc. How could he be such an a**hole not just to me but to others and prosper, while people like me who he hurt are left to suffer? There is often no justice. Sometimes karmically people do get what's coming to them, I have seen it...and funny enough, as much as I wished them ill, when they suffered, I felt either sort of bad for them or as a neutral observer. I have in recent months had the opportunity to exercise totally legal revenge, that in some moral sense might be justified, but that was as close as I could come to letting go a bit, not pursuing revenge...just letting the universe take care of it if it will...
Two stories I wanted to share on forgiveness...one is a woman in Rwanda who forgave the man who slaughtered five of her children in the genocide, although he served 7 years in jail and was repentant, she even serves him food and works with his spouse in a community reconciliation project to assemble peace baskets sold to alleviate local hunger. Although I cannot imagine, I do know from experience it is easier to forgive someone who is truly remorseful or changed, and someone who is (or has paid) paying dearly for something they did.
But a woman I know was molested growing up by her father, as she later learned her sisters were too. She not only learned to forgive him through what she described as the miracle of a 12 step program, but actually went back to her childhood home and nursed him through his terminal illness. I do know sometimes it is easier to forgive if you do something for them...and act of mercy or token of forgiveness...but still I cannot fathom how she did that.
I have tried putting myself a bit in their shoes, or imagining why they are the way they are, and understand sometimes some are very sick or damaged from what they have experienced and replicate that pain in chain reaction. Some do, however, literally take pleasure in others' pain.
I am working on the mercy part. I will never break the past's hold on me and heal all the hurts of what I endured without forgiving, I do believe. It would be easier if I were left with more...if my life was fuller and more enriched with love and good things...it seems I just keep getting messed over like the universe is trying to teach me something I am just not getting...maybe my opportunity for those good things is being blocked until I first forgive, evolve, and then, I will be free to receive 'blessings.' Still struggling with this. Still struggling.
Two stories I wanted to share on forgiveness...one is a woman in Rwanda who forgave the man who slaughtered five of her children in the genocide, although he served 7 years in jail and was repentant, she even serves him food and works with his spouse in a community reconciliation project to assemble peace baskets sold to alleviate local hunger. Although I cannot imagine, I do know from experience it is easier to forgive someone who is truly remorseful or changed, and someone who is (or has paid) paying dearly for something they did.
But a woman I know was molested growing up by her father, as she later learned her sisters were too. She not only learned to forgive him through what she described as the miracle of a 12 step program, but actually went back to her childhood home and nursed him through his terminal illness. I do know sometimes it is easier to forgive if you do something for them...and act of mercy or token of forgiveness...but still I cannot fathom how she did that.
I have tried putting myself a bit in their shoes, or imagining why they are the way they are, and understand sometimes some are very sick or damaged from what they have experienced and replicate that pain in chain reaction. Some do, however, literally take pleasure in others' pain.
I am working on the mercy part. I will never break the past's hold on me and heal all the hurts of what I endured without forgiving, I do believe. It would be easier if I were left with more...if my life was fuller and more enriched with love and good things...it seems I just keep getting messed over like the universe is trying to teach me something I am just not getting...maybe my opportunity for those good things is being blocked until I first forgive, evolve, and then, I will be free to receive 'blessings.' Still struggling with this. Still struggling.
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crystalgaze
- Posts: 2511
- Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:11 pm
- Location: USA
(((((((((shatterd))))))))))) You are such a kind loving person that it is hard for you to move on, i know because i am much the same as you....although (((((((Crystal))))))))) is so very great at her 1st post up there!! I am with you sister... I am stuck between your philosephy and shattered's. With my ex husband i chose to forgive with the knowledge that karma is a B!tch and they will get theirs eventually...well that didn't take long and yes i do shamefully take comfort in the knowledge that they are miserable and struggling but i am sad because my son chose to live with his father so now my son suffers when they do. It's odd because i truly wish well for them for my son's sake, but the more i wish for good things to come to them, the more bad things happen....wierd huh? As for my current situation.... I did send all of the love letters, pictures and jewelry he had bought for me back to him in the mail along with a 15 page letter and a beautiful card ...well he didn't have the heart to open it for a week, when he finally was able to deal with it (because no other g/f had ever done that to him b4) he discovered that his ex - had went thru it and had stolen my jewelry, cards, love letters and poems...everything sweet in there she took it...and still denies it to this day...a month later. All she left in there was the goodbye part of the letter and a picture of his dog.... 
what a psycho 
anyway my point is, i usually would erase anything having to do with the hurtful person from my life and avoid anything reminding me of them for a loooong time and gradually build up to exposing myself to the things that i once loved to do over time... That has not helped me yet, but Crystal has got a wonderful point!!!!! I am choosing to let fate and karma deal with my situation now... let the chips fall where they may...all thats left to do now is cry and move on.... i just need a push 
what a psycho anyway my point is, i usually would erase anything having to do with the hurtful person from my life and avoid anything reminding me of them for a loooong time and gradually build up to exposing myself to the things that i once loved to do over time... That has not helped me yet, but Crystal has got a wonderful point!!!!! I am choosing to let fate and karma deal with my situation now... let the chips fall where they may...all thats left to do now is cry and move on.... i just need a push Return to “Other Thoughts, Feelings and Messages”
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