This is me....

[Kricket]

At the age of 17 was the first time depression actually hit me hard and I was medicated. The medication they put me on worked well for a couple of months until I fell into a worse state on it, so I stopped taking it and eventually things turned around for the better.

Until last Sept. a month after turning 22 I started dating a girl and I am a lesbian so it was her first relationship with a girl and she pretty much just played me for my money. I'd work 12 hours a day pullin doubles just so I could keep my car and phone, not leaving me with much money for anything else .
The story is long with her, but pretty much, she used me and then did me wrong and after ending that relationship I fell into a deep depression where I went from being 160 lbs, which I needed to lose the weight but went from that to being 119 and I'm 5'3 so I went from 160 to 119 in less than 2 months from my lack of eating. I quit my job not long after all that because I'm pretty sure my boss was about to give me the boot anyways thinking I was after his job.

I started to smoke pot on a regular basis after that to help me gain my appetite back and once I did I continued to smoke until recently I had to quit because it started to bother my anxiety and I was extremely paranoid and those do not go well with depression.

My brother just a few weeks ago was sentenced to 30 years without parole for a crime I swear to God that he did not commit because I know my brother and we're just a like. That took another toll on me.

I started taking up drinking recently to the point to where I drink and when I feel the pain again I drinki more until I throw up and sometimes I continue even after the vomiting occurs I know it's not healthy but I have no one around to stop me half the time

My friends don't listen to me, if I talk they blow me off which makes me more depressed then my family has all that with my brother and if I talk about it they blow me off and say I'm not even trying to help myself and the only person that really listens to me is my girlfriends from high school that I was with for seven years and I get even more depressed because I'm mean to her.

I'm 23 and jobs are hard to find right now and I know thats a reason I'm depressed and I'm so cruel to the only one who actually listens to me and maybe I'm threatend by the fact that she knows all about me and I don't mean to be cruel towards her it just happends and I'm scared I'm going to push her away.

I hang with my friends now and pretend nothings wrong because they don't want to here it, my mom thinks I'm believes I'm strong willed like her and It'll pass so we don't talk about it and the rest my family just don't talk to me because I'm a homosexual so I really have no one. And it makes me sad but I do want to get better and I do want to be happy

[crybaby1086]

((((Kricket)))) I'm glad you told us your story. It takes a lot of bravery to do so. And I hope by you writing it down it has relieved you of some of your burden. I know how hard it is to find out that you have been used by someone you perceived to be a loved one. I've been in that position with a couple of guys in recent years and it really takes a tole on your self esteem and self worth. You just have to rember that you are a good person and they are the one with the problem. Again I know how are that is. But try and be kind to yourself.
It is true that we all take our feelings out on the person closest to us. Everyone does it I think. It isn't fair. I can only sujest doing something else to get your anger out. I recently took up running. Dosen't cost me anything. And I can run and run till all the bad feelings are gone.
I am very worried about your drinking and use of the drugs. That is not a healthy copeing mechinism as I'm sure you know. Maybe you can try an AA meeting to help you out there. Also, a suport group for people with depression. You should also get to see your doctor and discuss the possability of getting some meds that would work better for you.
Its a long journey Kricket, but you have lots of friend walking beside you. Be strong girl. Your in my thoughts.

[dandelion]

Hello Kriket, it took a lot of courage and bravery to tell us your story and i am really proud of you. This is your first step to get help and im sure there will be more steps that you will take to get better. I am sorry that you need to go through that Kriket, it must be hard for you to have such experience, im sorry, im not good with relationship advice as i never had any relationship before and i am a lesbian myself and lesbianism is not accepted in my culture and the only people that know my story are some of the people at this forum. i truly can relate the thing where people dont talk to you just because you are being you. I think what you need to do next is start to see you doctor again and i agree with crybaby, seeing groups like AA might help you dealing with your problem. Remember, you are not alone!

Im dealing with anger issues as well and i had (believe me) push people away and being mean to them when i dont have any intention to be mean to them. im trying to deal with my anger and try to distract myself by doing things like cleaning the house and i even draw, i'd do anything to let out of my anger. In helps me a lot when i started to draw and it helps to make myself calm. Maybe you can find something that you can do to let out of your anger, screaming, crying, punching the pillow, as long as you dont hurt yourself. Be kind of yourself hun, believe that you are a good person and remember..you have us all to help you and support you *hugs*.

Family can be so critical, and i believe in that since i have family that doesnt want me to take meds because they believe that those meds can cause me to be more depressed. And i dont dare to tell them the real me as it will make my mom sick (she has heart attack problem). I am so sorry to hear about your brother Kriket, i can only imagine the pain that you carry now

(((((((((((((((((( kriket ))))))))))))))))))))))) a warm hug for you. Im glad that you are here and yes, you are not alone!

dandelion

[shatteredhopes]

Welcome to the site!!!!!!! Glad you joined us. People here have been so friendly and supportive, and this site is really helping me and has become a form of therapy for me, as I am in a position I cannot afford therapy.

I know how hard it is to find out after a harsh wake up call the person you loved was using you...it recently happened to me. It hurts, a lot. But slowly, I am starting to heal a bit and so will you. I know that doesn't help now, but just believe and hope there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

It must be very hard to not be accepted by family members because of one part of who you are. Some people are just fixed in ignorance, and it is sad. My closest friend is gay, and I know he has faced much intolerance from his family. You can't choose the family that you are born into, but you can have a chosen family of friends and people who care about you and accept and love you as you are.

I used to drink to self-medicate emotional pain and as a social lubricant. Later, I drank just to drink and because I was addicted to the stuff. I am alcoholic. I think the others suggestion about trying out a meeting is a good idea. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking, not to be an alcoholic. So you might want to give it a shot.

Welcome to the site again, and sending thoughts of healing and sisterly love your way...

[Mich]

Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I don't have many words today other than to say I hope you keep writing. You will find a lot of warmth and support here.