Rock bottom

[lisalou]

I have hit crisis level, i hurt so much i just can't bear living anymore. i went to my support group this morning and had a long chat with a wonderful worker who was really supportive and very concerned about me, she wants my doctor to refer me to the duty psychiatrist a.s.a.p. i can't get away from the awful screaming despair and the pain in my mind body and heart that drones on and on neverendingly,i am obsessed with death, i am obsessed with my own selfish self and my own bloody misery. i phoned the benefits office earlier to start my claim and i am entitled to NOTHING, it is ridiculous, just because i am still working a few hours, but it is nowhere near enough to live on, mark doesnt make enough money to support us both and then he is being made redundant anyway. by the time mark came home i was in an absolute state, crying and shaking and hyperventilating on the floor. he has cancelled his plans to go away because he is frightened to leave me and frankly i was too, i am completely incapable of shopping and cooking for myself at the moment and i am havibg really strong suicidal thoughts. i feel bad for ruining his trip,he was going to visit family, he was meant to be going out tonight too but cancelled, i am ruining his life as well as ruining my own. i really feel like i'm in some kind of purgatory at the moment, this is mental torture, i must be really evil. we have said we'll meet a friend at a cafe tomorrow afternoon to keep me occupied and try and cheer me up but even that seems impossible. i just can't see any way out of this hell, i don't feel safe, how can i ever be alright again

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((((((((Lisalou)))))))))))))))) I am sorry to hear how bad it is a the moment. I know you feel bad about it, but I'm glad Mark canceled his trip to stay with you. And I hope you can talk to the doc on duty.

I've felt too like I was in purgatory and something must be really terrible about me or I must have done something terrible to deserve mental torture. But just as no one deserves cancer, no one deserves mental illness either. You are a kind caring person who doesn't deserve to suffer so, but life's just not fair sometimes...

Please keep us posted and I am listening and I care and hope you feel a little relief soon. Mark will likely find another job. The world's economy is starting to show signs of improvement, so there's a good chance he will find something before his job and benefits end.

Do you have a crisis line you can call if you need to?

Sending thoughts of peace and light...

[crybaby1086]

((((lisalou))))) I know you have probly heard this before but thinks are often not as bad as they first appear. Your boyfriend has his job until July and it is possible that he will find something better before that comes around. I've experienced hard financial times before (like everyone I guess) and I always live through it. You will to. Try to take things day by day. Don't worry about tomorrow. And try to do something nice for your self. Maybe run a nice bath with some candles and invite your boyfriend in (hehe my bad
My thoughs are with you girl, be strong.

[xn728]

im very upset your at the bottom lisa ,ive been there ,your head bursts with a throbbing pain ,seems like theres no way out ,you desparatly try to think of finding a way up ,but this makes your head hurt even more ,your body hurts so much and just the slightest movement is so hard ,but im stood here now typing ,so you can see that we are capable of getting up lisa ,i know i will see you posting soon when the evil dark thing has lost its grip ,i feel evil as do you ,sometimes i feel like i cant go on to ,but some mysterious thing comes and it lifts us and allows us to go on ,think straight lisa dont go off the track stay safe no matter how hard the pain ,do it for me and all your freinds ,is this selfiss of me to ask this of you ,that you get well for me ,yes but if this is the only price i pay for your feeling better ,then i will and must be selfiss,,,,,,do it for me
we all need and want you here lisa ,,,,,,,,,,((((((((ken)))))))))

[Mich]

Lisa - I can feel your pain in this post. I am so so sorry this is happening to you. It is the worst feeling in the world. I am so glad Mark is staying with you. He loves you and wants to help and comfort you any way possible. Please hang on. Please promise me you will get yourself to hospital if the suicidal feelings become too much. As your sister, I insist you do this. I am worried about you. Please know that I truly do understand this pain. You will get through these difficult times, you will. You have a partner who loves and cares about you and he will be your guide.

[lisalou]

too drained to read or write much today,sorry. thanks everyone for your concern and loving words, i am alive but not kicking

[xn728]

just take your time lisa ,alive mmmmmm,you will never be anything but alive ,and you will be kicking soon i promise ,i know you will defeat this episode ,,ps dont make me come in there sister,,,,,,,,,,,ken

[crybaby1086]

((((Lisa)))) I hope you get some rest today and wake up feeling better tomorrow. Know that I am thinking about you and sending many positive thoughs your way.

[lisalou]

i feel no better, i try and i try and still i deteriorate, i can't live like this it's unbearable, every little thing i can think of to try and do seems too much,my concentration has completely gone,so much so i can barely read anyone's posts,please dont think im selfish for not replying to anyone else's pain. ilove you all,we are one big crazy little family....xxxxxxxxxxx

[xn728]

take it easy lisa ,dont worry about replys ,we know your hurting ,thinking about you always ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ken

[lisalou]

went to the doctors again today and expressed quite how bad and how desperate i have been feeling, he was sympathetic and helpful this time and is speeding up my referral to the mental health access team, i had got a letter on friday saying i had an assessment on the 8th january and as i told my doctor i think i'd be dead by then. i feel some relief that i am finally being heard

[crybaby1086]

((((lisa)))) I'm glad to hear things are starting to look up for you. Sometimes it does take awhile to be heard but you stayed strong and kept going until you were heard. I am soo happy for you. Stick with it girl I am by your side.

[Mich]

Lisa - I am so glad you are being heard and your doctor is speeding up your referral. You need the help now! It is good to see that the darkness has liften a little bit and that you were able to post. I continue to be worried about you.

[lisalou]

I feel vaguely ok today, scared to say more in case i jinx it,nice to have a bit of breathing space though even if it is only momentary

[shatteredhopes]

I am so glad for you that you are feeling a little relief. Now that you have finally felt heard and may get the help you need, maybe you can feel a reason for a little hope. ((((((((((((((Lisalou)))))))))))))))