DESTRUCTIVE URGE

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((( Ken ))))))))))))))))))

Picture that park, we have blankets on the ground, with food and drinks for all. We are laughing and sharing, conversation, support and hugs. Sun is shining, birds singing for us, the perfect day for all of us!

Warmie

[xn728]

just shutting down for the night ,you surely have given me a great lift tonight ,and we share the same imagination ,im honered to know you
night ,,,,ken

[xn728]

i spoke to doc today ,he asked about my visions ,and with a lump in my throat i told him ,as i did i looked for reaction in his face ,nothing ,he asked if the visitor was in the room ,i said no ,then i said sorry and told the truth ,yes it was ,here beside me ,his he sat down ,doc asked ,i told him no ,and added its may not be a he ,oh right ,does it have a face ?,no face just an empty dark space ,never speaks or gestures ,does it make you or tell you to hurt yourself ,or others ?,it makes my life horrible but no it does not tell me to do anything ,does the other things you see tell you to do any of those things ,,no how often do you talk to yourself ?all the time and i talk to fran while were sat together but not with my vioce ,what do you say to her ,i tell her i love her ,and hope shes happy ,and that im sorry for being like this ,and that im still here with her but im trapped inside ,and cannot escape ,and even though im not the same person she married ,i will always be here and i will look after her forever ,and not to worry about being ill ,i will make her life as comfortable as possible ,
ok the things you see are they real ?no they are in my mind ,but appear real but i do know they are tricks ,,,,ok the fact that you know these things are unreal ,and you dont see them as part of the real world ,dont worry me ,you are dealing with your depression in the same way you pherhaps did as a child ,its your way of dealing with it ,if you start to confuse ,seeing things with reallity ,then well worry about it ,so doc said that ,and to up my lithium to 1000,instead of 800 ,i worry about this im on the line with the blood at the moment ,but i see how it goes ,,,thats all for now ,no straight jacket yet at least ,,,,,be strong everyone i no its hard but lets go forward and keep taking a little more ground ,,,,,,,ken

[xn728]

everybodys ill today ive posted some replys ,i love the people here they are dear freinds i never had at anytime during my fickle life ,but givin them words to know i feel there pain ,and try to lift them ,hurts it drains
me ,and i feel tired ,surely it cant be me who is affected in this way ,the insecure feelings i have are as if i will wake up and everyone will have gone ,this is what drives me to fade away ,strange to take something away myself ,before something takes it from me anyway ,these feelings are strong and i know it is the visitor making me feel this way ,to do this would be stabbing you all in the back ,and i know how this pain feels ,so i carry on hoping this sensation will soon become a distant memory,i gave away my yapph today ,i didnt know how it worked ,it was wasted ,something special in need of a good home ,it made me yapph to do that ,so maybe it did work ,yes it did ,suffer not my dear freinds words are all i have ,but i mean what i say ,,,,,,,,,dear dear freinds ,,,night ken

[xn728]

ive taken extra lithium ,bout an hour ago ,really bad headache ,dont feel in ontrol sick and hot ,bloody angry ,why tyhe hell cant antything
work for me ,ive paid enough ,why ave i been abandoned ,take me now for craps sake ,i rather be cabbage than be pissed about like this you
peice of l/,;kjhdxz\ bmn,khfxz\xhl./wish id have burnt gfdbnvjhgffghjhgwertyeuritasdfghjbvcxjhgtriuhalbv n????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????.

[shatteredhopes]

I hope the extra litium helps. I care about you, my brother. Sorry you are having such a rough go of it. Be strong for Fran. Nice to have someone to hold in the dark.

I'm glad you didn't burn in the fire, for now you are here for me and others.

Sleep well ((((((((((((((((((Ken)))))))))))))))))))))) and wishing you a little peace and calming...

[Hanging On]

Ken, all I can offer are merely words. It is what you receive from these words that truly makes the difference.

You may already be at this time in a restless slumber due to the meds. Your pain causes me anguish. I wish there was an ancient passage I could read over you to release hells hold. Alas all I can offer are my urgent words for your return to us.

I know each minute is an eternity of unfettered emotions. Trying to drain you so your grip on reality will be clouded even more. Bringing you to the brink of the abyss.

Try my friend to see a spark in your darkness, for it will be the faintly lit torch of faith. The faith you know you have in yourself. Move steadily toward it and out of the shadows of uncertainty. You can be victorious in your battle for you have the armor of Love and Kindness which are your trusted friends that have rallied with you to see you through this battle.

Be courageous, be certain, and be aware that you are not alone. Please Ken be at peace.

[xn728]

my freind hanging on ,dont say merely words ,i have lost all my words and i miss them so much ,i am nothing without my words ,xn728 is lost in a pit and try as he might ,there is no escape ,the extra lithium has made me very ill ,i have blurred vision ,and my head feels like its going to explode ,im not taking anymore after last night ,i have to go to work and i feel ,not in control ,i shouldennt even drive ,like this really ,i have lost the will to go on ,im down to 10stone 1 now and im sick of everyone trying to stuff food in me ,i feel really irritable ,and ready to go off on one ,as for xn728 ,maybe i should let him rot in there ,and just carry on the misery out here ,if i cant give anything then why bother ,the visitors grip has never been stronger ,why ? because ive given up srtuggling ,we,ll hanging on thankyou for your post ,you do not know me but you reached out to me ,we are made the same ,and have the same qualities ,are words are simalar ,but one thing stands out about you ,your spelling is perfect ,lol,,i joke in extreme pain ,i will be here in the walls always in the many pages ,i look at my posts and sometimes i dont know who i am ,but i will always care and you will all always be with me ,,my dear freinds ,keep hangingon,,,,,my freind

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ken

[Mich]

Ken - I pray that the visitor loosens it's grip today. I am concerned about you....your depression, your weight and the fact that you have taken too much lithium. I hope you did not do that to try to harm yourself. Please please take care and don't drive if it is not safe for you to do so.

[xn728]

im touch by the fact you care i seem to have been all over the walls lately ,and i was sure i would lose my freinds ,i stayed away for a couple of days so no one would be hurt and i didnt want ,to fill the forum with my misery ,i only took the lithium because i was told to ,i promise i would not hurt myself ,a man of my word i am ,im not taking the 1000, now im gonna stick to my 800,it didnt feel right ,i fear for xn728 he is trapped ,im looking in but cant help ,this is a new and frightening sensation ,hopefully a product of the extra lithium ,hang on in there mich ,i need each and everyone of you ,to be strong ,i cant carry on in here without my kind words ,but maybe ,my strentgh will be found in yours ,someone called me brother and i was overwhelmed ,how can you see me in this way ,im just one small vioce im many millions ,,,thankyou mich ,,,,thankyou ken

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((((((((( Ken ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

WB!!

Glad you are taking care of yourself, as you promised.

Jeanie

[xn728]

hey there warmie girl ,,,thankyou ,,i am a man of my word ,altough hard
to do sometimes ,once a promise it must be honered ,hope your doing just fine ,always good to hear from you ,,,,,,,,,,,ken

[xn728]

goodbye my dear freinds ,i reacted badly to dadelions post ,if you knew why you would understand more ,i feel like xn728 is dying already ,this is all the support i have ,but the massive event in my life makes me leave ,ive put my heart and soul in here to help you my freinds ,please dont let that be wasted ,carry on and be safe and strong ,the pain i feel now and for a long time will be catastrofic,i came here alone ,and i will leave alone ,to say i will miss you all is an understatement ,dont worry about me ,ive done this all my life ,its nothing ,to wander alone was written on the wall when i was conceived,,,no goodbyes ,goodnight all my dear freinds ,take care ,,sort that shoulder out girl ,and keep your eye on crystalgaze ,she very queit,,,,,goodnight ,,xn728,,,,,ken

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Ken...............promises???????????

OK, don't know what else to type.

Warmie

[Mich]

Please don't say goodbye. You are wanted here. Your supportive words are golden and I want to help carry your pain as you have done for me many times.