Let me introduce myself

[aloneinside]

Hello
Had depression for more than half my life - im 25
Whole family has it.I havnt been on medication for about 5 years
I go through good periods where im happy for a day or 2 then depressed for a week so i have been able to live with it without having to use medication but for the last 1-2 years its been getting worse now i havnt had a good day for over 2 months.
I have managed to isolate myself so much [ i even moved towns] so that now when someone says hello it takes a while to register that someone is talking to me. I cant even force myself to have a conversation anymore and people who meet me just think im quiet.
Im starting to get angry too which i never noticed before like i couldnt start the lawn mower so i threw it agains the house
I have a young daughter and i should be taking her to social groups for her to play with other kids but i only go places where i dont have to talk to people - nobody can understand me now anyway because i mumble so much - looking at the ground and talking as fast as i can because i regret opening my mouth in the first place
people think people with depression are crazy
if you say "i have depression" then people leave you alone
its easier to say you are sick which in a way i guess you are
my partner works away - i guess im lonely
I dont know why im writing this - i guess because nobody else really cares or understands
people pretend they care but they really dont
they pretend to be your friend but make fun of you behind your back
people are dishonest so why bother?
I dont actually like anybody
nobody likes me either
everything i try blows up in my face
i cant do anything right
god i sound like im feeling sorry for myself but i dont because i know i deserve this
I wish everyone with depression would give it to people who have never had it and dont understand it then they would know how we feel
I dont crave attention
I hate it
So I guess this is me introducing myself
Im not usually this morbid
sometimes i couldnt be happier but it doesnt last long
I went to a therapist who charged me $150 for an hour to tell her my family tree so I didnt go back
I guess i should see someone else
sorry for rambeling - i cant spell
thankyou for reading my dribble

[xn728]

hello aloneinside ,your not alone i to have suffered all my life ,51 now ,yes i to am angry and do these things ,throw stuff about rant and rave ,dont like talking to people in real life ,my life is all lows ,the very ,very occasional high,but as you say it dont stay with me long ,so your not on your own ,welcome to the forum and you will find new freinds here im sure ,i created my own monster with wreckless acts and untimitly destroyed my family and freinds ,but that another story i have been married for 30 years and have raised a family with this dark thing clawing at my flesh like you people ran away when i tried to explain why i was queit and withdrawn ,you have to be were we are now to understand .i was bullied at school and trhough working life so it not just you people just like yourself but many miles away live the same life ,there are no judges here and feel free to write just how you like .again
welcome home my freind and i hope you find what your looking for
bestwishes ,,,,,,ken ,,,,,xn728 lithium and dolucopin are my piosen ,
and you see my spelling is terrible ,but we understand exactly what your
saying ,,,,,,,,,

[shatteredhopes]

Welcome! I have issues with trusting people too, so I find the anonymity here very comforting. And people here DO UNDERSTAND what its like with depression. I too can be okay then depressed. I'm kinda like I bi-polar or manic/depressive but without the hypermania...major depressive episodes one doc said, another said bi-polar, who knows...all I know is I've tried tons of different meds and docs and therapists.

Maybe try a different therapist, or go back, since maybe that one was just getting some background? Unfortunately, mental health is not an exact science and some therapists are far better than others.

I am sorry your partner is away and you feel alone. You will find supportive people here, and others with kids who know how hard it is to take care of child when depressed.

Hope you have a good day...and welcome!

[Mich]

Welcome to the forum - There is a great group of people here who understand the suffering because they are also living it. They give me a great deal of support and I know they will do the same for you. This is a horrible disease and anyone who has not suffered cannot possibly understand the extent of the pain.

[Hanging On]

I felt like I was reading something that I had written myself when I read your post. I was very enlightening, and tough for me. Trivial things have made me so mad that I would have to leave or if alone would just start going off in a rage. I have gotten to the point where I do not trust anybody. I have been screwed so many times by what I thought were my so called friends that I cannot stand to even meet anyone new for fear of then letting me down like everyone else has. My own Father has told me that he doesn't have a crazy son when I told him that I have Major Depression and Anxiety. He hurt me so bad that I still have not talked to him. I have a daughter also. One that deserves a father that can be with her when she needs him there and support her in every endeavor she attempts. My wife is the one that is raising my daughter mostly on her own because there are so many times when I don't have the stamina to leave the house. I cannot imagine not being on meds. If you can just find a Doctor that can write you something to take to get through those really tough days you would see that it helps. I take four different types of medication for my depression and anxiety and I am still a basket case at times. I am going to try and do better by my daughter. I know that is easy to say, but I really am going to try harder. Do me a favor and try also. Please I know it would be so worth while. We can be each others support in regard to our daughters, and anything else. If I could just get things back like they were with my daughter, I know that I would feel better. My daughter worries about me alot, and I'm sure yours worries about you. Lets try starting now to be the kind of parent our Daughters deserve. We can do it, with each others support I know we can. I know by your username that you feel like you are against all odds with no one on your side but thats just not the case. You are here at a place with supportive people that will listen and understand what you are talking about, because we are at that place too. Please try and get better for your Daughters sake, but mostly for yours.

[xn728]

i hope you both can become strong thru support here i have brought 2 girls up during a very traumatic life ,it is hard but must be done ,i would die for them ,and no matter how bad you feel dont let the evil touch them ive crawled on my belly and screamed into the wet cold earth so no one would hear me. the pain of living is so great ,protect your family ,no matter how it hurts ,then when the parents dutys are done ,then feel your pain ,with your new allie you may feel stronger as your simaler lives may bond you together in this fight
,,,,,best wishes ,,,,,xn728

[aloneinside]

Thankyou
I didnt realise I would get a reply
My daughter is very happy - shes only 3
its hard to believe she will feel this way when she is older but thats the whole reason for my existance is to stop her from feeling like this
She is the only one that can make me actually laugh out loud
She gives me energy and reasons for doing anything If it wasnt for her i would never leave the house
What I remember about medication was that I was a zombie
I couldnt feel anything and if I missed a day shit would hit the fan - mostly I would just cry non stop untill I took it again
It took me a lot to get off the medication a few end of the worlds - i cant believe my partner stuck by me actually
I moved town - got a job and everything went fine for a year - I didnt have time for anything - I just worked
But everything went to shit at work - abuse and itimidation
So I quit like everything else
Then after getting really depressed I moved again
Things were ok for a few months - everything is new - gained motivation
but it slowly dwindles away untill i am now left with nothing
There is no reason for my depression
I have a beautiful healthy daughter, loving partner - even tho hes never here - everything is going great exept me
Sometimes now I feel like I am already on medication
SOme things feel like a dream or a movie im watching and i cant really get into where I am
I am here at the beach FEEL IT

Is anyone on any medication that makes them happy without feeling like a zombie?

[shatteredhopes]

I can so relate to the zombie thing. I didn't realize how over-medicated I was until I came off medication. But now I'm back on some. The thing is, different things work differently for different people, and some pyschiatrists do medicate the you-know-what outa you. Maybe the medicine or combination of medicines you were on was the wrong one for you or too much.

When you take the medication, your body does sorta become dependent in the sense your natural production of chemicals like seratonin (sp?) sorta stops and relies on meds to produce it...not a medical explanation, but that's in essence what happens. That's why you REALLY crash when you don't take it...it takes a while for the body to adjust.

What I have found is its best to start on a small dose of something, see how your body and mind react, as long as there are no serious side effects, if needed you can go up, or add something else. There are SO MANY drugs on the market, if you were zombie'd out on the previous ones, try something different...

What I'm on may not be appropriate or work for you, and vice versa. Plus, I know I've had just about every bad reaction in the book to different medicines. So I'm very careful about reading up on medicine before I try it.

Also, very few people I've heard find medicine that's a panacea...sometimes on depression meds you can still have serious depressive episodes. But it can help some, sometimes.

Hope you find something that helps! Glad you have the precious little one to make laugh and give you a reason to keep pluggin'.

[Hanging On]

Aloneinside, I have also felt the effects of being over medicated as well. I have been on at least 6 different types of Depression and Anxiety medication before the Physiatrist I was seening at the time finally found the right combination for me. My system has crashed so many times that I have lost count. The main thing is that now I am on the right meds that are helping me with my Major Depression and Anxiety to a point where at least I don't feel bad all of the time like I used to. I really do hope that you will be able to find something that works for you. Just know that you have a supportive team to give you a place for release when you need it. With the combination of My Meds and therapy once a week I can cope to a degree. Hope this helps you in some way.

[aloneinside]

Thankyou you have all been so helpfull
Going to the doc soon
xox

[xn728]

hello aloneinside my family has depression history ,way back and i was worried about my kids ,eldist girl 29 youngest 22 they are both very happy ,so fingers crossed ,i have hid my illness from them ,maybe this helped who knows ,,,,,,,ken ,,,,xn728

[aloneinside]

If you have no time to think then you have no time to be depressed
but
if you are depressed then you have no energy to use your time.

[Monty]

Welcome to the forum.

When you hear the statistics on how many people that are out there that suffer from mental illness, or will sometime in their lives. It really makes me wonder on how people can be so uncaring in how they shut us out of their lives, just because of an illness.

I was on some heavy duty meds for a long time. For a long time I just spent my time, in a corner drooling. That is not an exaggeration.

Living in a small town it was necessary to have a car. I stopped myself from driving for about 4 years, because I didn't feel like it was safe for me to be on the road.

That was so isolating. I had young children and I was afraid that no one would let their kids play with mine, if they knew my "secret".

This is a safe place to share your thoughts. Everyone here seems to be good people. It is a safe place to share your thought. I know for myself too often I keep the thoughts that are racing around in my head, just to myself. It is good to help us ease the load. We are all in the same boat. Just at different points in the voyage.

[aloneinside]

I find it really really hard to socialise
When I dont feel like talking then I just cant
People think im rude and up myself thinking im too good to talk to them but its the opposite
How do I get over it ?

There needs to be some sort of campain that shows "happy people" what it is really like for people with depression
everyone hears "mental illnes" and thinks we are all mental
hang on...we are arent we?

[shatteredhopes]

I'm no expert, by any means, as I have failed more often than not. For a long time, I needed alcohol as a lubricant to socialize because I just didn't feel comfortable around people, which was very unhealthy. When I got sober and divorced at the same time, I had to learn a whole new way of living.

First, is there anyone your partner knows, another couple perhaps? It might be easier to socialize if its with your partner there to take up some of the conversation slack, and if you are quiet, it won't be noticed so much.

Second, start small. Maybe you can't force yourself to spend a whole evening with people, but can you manage to force yourself to chat and smile at the people in line with you at the grocer? Just small talk about the weather, or candy at the check out, or high prices, or whatever. I had to get into the habit of stepping outside my depression enough to socialize, but I am still able to do it very little, and its very draining.

Third, maybe check out Warmie's jokes and stuff in her corner, and then you can always tell a few jokes if you can't have a regular conversation. Or, you can mention something about current events from the newspaper, and let them talk about their beliefs and opinions. That way, people won't think you are stuck up for not talking, they will think you are funny or informed, and you won't have to carry the lion's share of the conversation. Lisalou had a great suggestion, ask people about themselves, or their kids. Or just ask a few questions and let others talk...

Its hard. Its like acting in a way, you just have to force yourself through it. Even so, sometimes I can't manage it when I'm really bad. And I can only do it so much. But I feel much better when I do force myself and get through it, even if sometimes I feel like an alien while doing it. My problem is I latch on to someone who accepts me and get clingy. I have worked on that, but I also have trouble trusting...so I tend to keep a lot of people at a distance. Also, just like I went on and on with this post (and all my posts)...I talk TOO much. Sometimes a little quiet is good.

Wishing you a little light in your day...