Will i ever forgive her

[Broken):]

Hi im 29 and a male im a very introverted person with tons of insecurities about myself who has had bad anxiety since i was 17 i have never had any real relationships mostly because i hated myself and didn't get out much because of it and honestly was terrified of getting my heartbroken love is scary and the one thing i didn't want to happen happened and i knew if it did it would break me and it did my first serious relationship my vary first relationship since i have even been an adult even and we had been together for 4 years and there were forsure ups and downs and im not perfect i have made mistakes but i have never thought for even a second that i would cheat on her and i haven't i love her more than i love myself i would do anything to make her and our kids happy she had 2 beautiful daughters when i got with her one was 11 months old and the other was 6 and they kept me going i had what i thought i never would a family and they have become my family the girls father is in there life but those kids are just as much mine as theirs she had full custody of them they live with me and her i take care of them as my own because in my heart they are mine im sorry to get off topic but i told her from the start that please please please just dont cheat if you aren't happy talk to me we are both adults we can talk if she wanted to breakup fine i just want her to be happy and i cant make her love me i would be heartbroken but i can live with that but if she cheats it will f*** me up mentally I knew it would i already feel like im not enough as is i told her that and i could tell at times she wasn't happy and neither was i but her and our girls being with me for the rest of my life is the only goal that mattered to me and i will try and fix it a thousand times i was not gonna give up on us so i never had a thought about breaking up only that things can and will get better we are both young and are gonna make millions of mistakes in life but as long as i had them it was all gonna be okay but i could tell she wasn't happy and just couldn't bring herself to do it she has known my family for most of her life shes bestfriends with my sisters and i could see how that would be hard if she broke up with me but its better than what ultimately happened she went on a trip to Tennessee with her girlfriend and i thought it would be good for her she has severe depression and a lot of childhood trauma and she struggles with it everyday she needs some time to have a good time and i would have thoughts about her cheating but i always kept it to myself because my mind likes to f*** with me and i honestly would always tell myself that she wouldn't do that too me shes genuinely a good person at heart and she wouldn't hurt me like that i put my trust in that and she eventually did she had been talking to a dude in Tennessee for idk how long behind my back as she constantly told me she loves me she wants to get married and when she was gone for the 2 days in Tennessee she called me the night before she was supposed to come back and she just said she f***** up and i immediately knew my heart sunk i started to cry and she said she met a random guy in a bar and i got pissed and just couldn't understand how she could do that to me and i hung up i honestly thought i was done my life was done i was contemplating suicide but i was too scared too do it i wanted to just leave and never speak to her again but i still just cant let her go i stayed i had to ask her face to face and eventually i did and we talked and she was right in alot of her points on me but all she had to do was talk to me about it i will do whatever to fix it but i then found out who it was not a random guy and she eventually came clean and i can tell she does feel awful about it as she should but she also could have not told me at all and kept it from me for who knows how long but we talked and talked and are trying to work things out im still with her i still live with her but its hard my mental health is wrecked i only smoked weed before all this and now im getting drunk and doing cocain for literally weeks straight just to cope im broken and i just want to forget it happened and my brain wont let me it will just obsesses over it and think of every detail of it and i cant take it anymore its been about 5 months since it happened and thats not long but idk how long i can go with my thoughts i just want them to stop at this point i just worrie if ill ever be able to forgive her and move on i still love her more than anything but the pain im feeling inside is taking its toll on me im scared of what happens if it doesn't stop.


PS: Thanks for listening im sorry about the spelling and grammar i have never really did anything like this so i apologize