Scared

[lisalou]

hi everyone, i am going back to work on monday and i am really apprehensive. i really don't know that i am ready but i can't afford any more time off and i feel that if i don't go back soon i never will. i'm looking forward to seeing the kids again (i work at a nursery) but don't know if i can hold it all together and not cry,plus my brain is more than a little compromised at the moment! I am going to ask to have Fridays off so i can reduce my hours and also continue going to my mental health support group. hope they will be understanding!

also i am going to the doctors to discuss changing my medication which i am really wary about, i am on amitryptiline at the mo which does make me a bit tired and sleep heavily but in a way i am grateful for that as before i was waking around 4 or 5 every morning. i seem to remember the SSRI type anti-depressants making me more agitated and sweaty (nice) Also i have IBS and i can't face having my stomach even more upset as those meds can do. i was actually put on amitryptiline initially for my IBS. AND i have an overactive bladder and feel like i need to pee all the time so i don't want my nervous system stimulated any more! are you able to take tricyclics and SSRIs at the same time?

[crystalgaze]

Hey there Lisa. I don't have an answer for your question about the tricyclics + SSRIs. (Sorry about that.)

I do hope they will be understanding at work, so you can keep going to your support group, though.

Hhmm.... I have a thought, so I will throw it out there.

Do you like/drink chamomile or mint tea? If so, maybe that will help the combination of the IBS & the nerves?

I have probs with my stomach/digestive track & usually mint & chamomile help. Sometimes I drink some calendula or lavender tea, but I usually stick with mint & chamomile.

This is probably a little hard, but try to relax. Work is going to tire you out enough.

Wishing you all the best,
~Crystal

[lisalou]

thanks for your reply crystal. i do drink peppermint tea actually,usually one or two a day. there's a really nice chamomile and apple one you can get here in england which tastes like apple pie...mmm...i have that occasionally. they don't seem to make much difference though unfortunately,my IBS is really quite severe which i am convinced is from having phases of anorexia and bulimia since i was about 8. the teas are quite comforting in themselves though!

[lisalou]

morning everyone. it's now 7.45 uk time and i've been awake for ages. i feel miserable even though i've got a nice day lined up - going to a really good market that me and my boyfriend go to every sunday and then to see a play. but i can't look forward to any of it,it all feels too much,i'm exhausted and my head aches and i could cry just at the thought of trying to function at work tomorrow. no matter what i do i always start each day feeling this unbearably low and it is such a struggle just to start the day

[xn728]

hi lisa ,i had the same problem with work .before i went part time ,i know it will be hard for you ,you know how the ibs is for us your aware i have it to ,that pain alone without depression is hell enough ,so good luck and try not to worry ,i dont know what your employers are like ,but mine were very unhelpful at first ,then i got in touch with the human rights commistion and they were a great help to me ,the company who i worked for soon pulled there socks up and became very helpful ,also just so you know your employers have to make reasonable changes to help you continue your job ,if ever your not sure ,go oline and look at the disability discrimination act . it is there to help people like us let us know about tommorrow ,,,xn728 ken

[lisalou]

generally they are quite good,some people more than others though,others have been quite nasty. i would like to think they'd give me fridays off as it's for therepeutic purposes but it doesn't look good from a phone call i gad with the assistant manager,mind you she's one of the ones who are not understanding and she doesn't have ultimate control so ha. as for IBS have you found that medications affected it? it's been years since i've been on any SSRI type antidepressants and my IBS has been just in the last couple of years. i will refuse point blank to go on prozac though cos that gave me the most painful diarrhoea in the world and that was before i even had our mutual friend. i would really miss being able to sleep fully again which amitryptiline seems to have done for me and i don't think i could face the anxiety that meds seemed to give me,mind you i was having panic attacks anyway

I really don't think i can go back tomorrow. i have been upset at the mere thought of it all weekend and i can't shift the constant headache i've had for weeks. but i think the longer i leave it the worse it will get

[xn728]

iknow how it is ,i treid prozac ,the sunshine pill they call it ,did nothing ,im on lithium now ,it can kill your liver though ,so i have tests at regular intervals .i was told on friday ,that i would not ever get better ,but they would try to let me have a reasonalbly.functional life ,the ibs we,ll it doesnt take much to kick that off does it ,the slightest upset and that hands grips your stomach and tugs hard ,i hope you can go tommorrow but its your call ,i know when i was off,it killed us finachilly and it made the pain worse ,i would go back last about 2 wks and then have to go sick agian . my wife has trazadone for panic and anxiety disorder and they make her sleep very we.ll. your only young and pretty clued up ,im sure you will make it ,best of luck ,if look all around you but close your eyes and look with your mind you will see all your friends here around you
,,,,,xn728 ken

[lisalou]

thanks ken. do you find the lithium helps at all? did it hurt to hear you'd 'never be better' or is it what you'd thought already, i guess unfortunately long term mental illness is something you have to learn to manage not cure. i've given up on ever being 100% 'normal' but i do get periods of being fine and have still managed to get myself a pretty good life together. my friend thinks i might be bipolar,i really don't know. financial reasons are the main reason i'm trying to go back as i am only getting statutory sick pay of about £80 a week. it must be a struggle with both you and your wife unable to work but at least you have each other's love and understanding

[xn728]

hi there ,yes lithium seems to keep me level ,head above water ,i never feel happy though ,sometimes i go under but im good at holding my breath ,i to am on ssp at the moment ,and trying to claim rent rebate etc
what a nightmare ,anyone would think i was asking for the earth ,ive worked all my life and dont seem to get anything back .oh and yes i knew i was a terminal case ,i told them that years ago ,i have my family to live for though ,its a good job ,because i would bang out for sure if it wern,t for them ,bye for now xn728 ken

[lisalou]

well am still at home having woken up tearful inapable of even imagining trying to function at work and with a banging headache that is resistant to all painkillers. i feel bad for not working and bad about the thought of going back. i feel bad fullstop. i feel so completely broken and i hate myself for self-destucting my life. i feel so painfully terrified and bleak and insecure i can't bear it. sometimes i wonder why i don't just die from the strenth of my wishing it. sometimes i even hate everyone who loves me for making it impossible to kill myself because of the guilt of what it would do to them. i am trapped in this body and this mind forever and i am never getting out. as for finances i know how tough it is and i think it's a cruel irony that you have to do so much forms and business when you're too mentally ill to cope with it. i can't cope with anything right now and i can't see things getting better

yours negatively, Lisa x

[xn728]

i knew from your post last night you wouldent go .its very hard when youve been off ,no,one understands how you feel ,your self esteem hits the floor you worry about what everyone else thinks ,and it just snowballls ,this is a life you talk about here and its yours ,the thing inside you tricks you ,it takes your emotions and juggles them around so you dont know what to do ,you talked about times when you feel ok and you do things ,your lucky i dont have this my misery is constant ,no breaks
for me ,im happy you have these times really ,my life is spent looking happy for my family ,this is so hard ,and when i go to bed and my angel has fallen asleep besides me ,i quite often weep ,ever so quitely so she doesnt wake ,lots of people love you i know they must .so you must feel the whole weight of that dark burden pushing you down now ,and when it passes you will feel the burden is lighter and tommorrow may not seem so bad ,look into the darkness that surrounds you now ,look with your mind and not your eyes and you will see all your freinds are here with you ,stand up lisa ,stand up ,,,,,,,,,,,,,xn728

[lisalou]

yes definitely i have been worried about people at work talking about me and being pissed off but even more than that i just can't face doing all the hard work that i do at work and putting on a front for the kids,taking care of everyone and everyone thinking i'm this lovely calm happy person when really i am completely dying inside. i just don't have it in me to put on the act anymore. i know you understand exactly how it is ken and i think its awfully sad you feel you can't even share the extent of your pain with your wife. i know i am lucky to have good times but sometimes that seems to make the comedown even more painful in comparison and it's why everyone gets deluded that i'm fine. still,you're right,one day at a time,maybe tomorrow will be better indeed. i have already phoned and said i'm not going back to work tomorrow either so hopefully i can sleep better and have some more time to make myself feel more bearable. i have three demanding cats to support if nothing else!

[xn728]

glad to here this ,now you,ve made the call ,like you say try and come down a little it is so hard to play the happy puppet ,but you,ll have to face it ,this is what we must do ,and suffer the pain ,maybe like me you might learn to deal with it in differant ways .my mind keeps me prisoner all my life as far as i can remember it has talked to me making me differant ,telling me im not good enough ,im weak ,and scared ,but i can walk around my mind and see russ we can go on adventures together ,theres the room were i go when i know trouble is coming ,theres the door where behind it waits the hand of death ,this will never open .and as i end this. today has been hard for me the vioce from the pit has been calling and i must go to that dark place ,i have something planned tommorrow so if take a beating now i may wake up in the morning able to go on ,as i knew you would not go to work ,i also knew you would stand up ,,,,well done xn728 ken

[Mich]

Dearest Lisa - I am just getting to your posts now as it was Thanksgiving here in Canada on the weekend and very hard for me to get some private time on the computer.
I am so sorry you are struggling but I understand your apprehensions completely. I have been off work for 4.5 years and can imagine the terror I would feel at the prospect of getting back into the workforce. Don't beat yourself up over not going in. It seems like it is just too much for you right now and that's OK. When you are ready, I wonder if you could ease back into things slowly by just working 1 or 2 days per week to start and then working up slowly to your 4-day work week? I hope your workplace will be kind and sensitive to your needs. It sounds like you just need more time off at this point....that you are not at the place you need to be physically and emotionally to handle going back to work. As if depression isn't enough, you also have a serious physical illness to deal with in the IBS. I know this must be excruciatingly hard. Please be kind and gentle with yourself and take some more time. I am thinking of you and hope you post today. *hugs* Mich.

[lisalou]

dear mich, i am so pleased to hear from you and glad to hear that you were just busy as you were so depressed in your most recent posts that i feared the worst. must have been really hard to have company constantly when you are so low,i know that with my depression my social skills go out the window! well i went to the doctors today and have been signed off for the rest of this week. i phoned my employer and i will try going back next week for a few hours each day just covering people's lunchbreaks. it doesn't look too optimistic for getting the fridays off though even though i explained about my support group. things have been feeling pretty hopeless today. i have cried many times. my headaches just won't shift,the doctor thinks it is just because of how tense i am and not to overdo the painkillers. i think it might be connected to a tooth i have been having ongoing problems with so have made an appointment with my dentist tomorrow. i have had to have so much dental work lately,most of which i suspect stems from my bulimic past. my IBS is really bad and i have just given up. again - that is my own fault for messing around with my eating for so many years. it seems ironic that i became anorexic partially to control my body and now it is that which has made me lose control. whatever i eat bloats me up like i'm pregnant and it terrifies me. i am still in a bingeing phase and hat myself for it,i feel fat and a failure and although i have many nice clothes i feel bad i can't get into my 'skinny clothes' any more and hide myself in the same few baggy outfits. i used to be so bad i had to bath in the dark. i don't think i will ever like myself. i am off to my counsellor now,it exhausts me just to think of it,so much easier to write than speak these days..........