Destruction

[Mich]

Another Monday; another long week ahead. A week that I know will be filled with much pain and no joy. This illness keeps chipping away at my soul; destroying it. What will happen when there is nothing left of me? I cling on to the fact that I have my psych appt tomorrow and there for one hour I can express my torment and not have to worry about how it is impacting someone. I cannot share my distress with my husband; he just doesn't want to hear it any more. He does not want to hear my morbid thoughts and I really should not be putting them on him anyway. That is what my psych is for. It just gets so terribly painful in between appts when there is no release for how I feel. Life to me is darkness. There is no light in my life; none at all. Everything seems hopeless and any kind of recovery seems more and more impossible as the weeks go on. It has been over 4 years now and my pain still beats me down. I should ask my psych for a med switch. The one I am on now seems to have lost any effectiveness it once had at the very beginning. What I really need is a new brain; one that feels joy and happiness and optimism.

[lisalou]

hiya mich, i am truly sorry you are feeling so awful. how often do you have psych appts? maybe you could look around and see if there are any mental health support groups you could use as well. there is a drop-in service that runs on a friday morning near where i live and there is always free tea,sympathetic workers and people who are going through similar hell. also in england we have what are called CPNs - community psychiatric nurses who come out regularly to see you and support you,don't know if you have anything like that in Canada?
I am having a blue monday myself. I have the flu too and can barely move,am in this strange twilight world where i barely know what day it is,have been in the same stinking pyjamas for ages,i hate myself and feel so fat and disgusting and useless but i cling to the hope that we will all come through the darkness sometime,somehow

lisa x x

[Mich]

Hi Lisa - I am sorry to read that you have the flu. That must be miserable! I think I have actually escaped the flu for my entire life thus far. I get bad colds but I don't think I have ever had flu. I hope you are staying cozy and warm, resting all you can and taking in lots of liquids. Maybe changing into some fresh PJ's would help.
To answer your questions, I am currently seeing my psych 2 times a week when he can swing it. Some weeks he can only manage once. I like the idea of those community psychiatric nurses that you have. I have never heard of us having those here in Canada. I like the fact that they come to your home. I find it hard to get out most days and I think they would be helpful to me. I have been in a few support groups but I am not very good in a group setting at all. I am very quiet and find it hard to participate...AND I have to listen to people telling me "you're so quiet" in all the sessions.
Thank you for all of your wonderful comments. I look forward to reading more posts from you.

[lisalou]

hi mich, thanks for reply,am resting up indeed,too wiped out to do anything else,been in and out of consciousness a lot as i am very fevery,eating lots of ice cream to cool me down but then of course i beat myself up for how much i'm eating and putting on weight. i keep swinging between anorexia and binge-eating and i am so tired of it all and just wish i could eat like a normal person which i haven't done since i was about 8. sometimes i wish i could just climb right out of this body i hate so much.

it sounds like support groups aren't really right for you but i wish there was a way for you to get more support,maybe you could see a counsellor as well? also dont feel guilty on letting your husband in on quite how badly you are suffering. i saw on another post that you were concerned that you 'aren't there' for your kids,all i can suggest is that you are completely open to them in that you are suffering from depression and that is an illness and that you love them lots but it can be very hard to interact with people when you are depressed. i work in a nursery with kids who are 1 and 2 and it can be EXCRUCIATINGLY difficult playing and talking with them and taking care of their needs when i am very low. you have my utmost respect being a mother with depression and doing it 24/7.

well done for always showing interest in everyone else's problems and being so supportive to us all when things are so tough for yourself. it shows what a caring person you are. i think that you are special and that you are a survivor and that gradually you will be ok. as a stranger once said to me when he saw me crying in the park - 'If you're going through hell, keep walking'

Lisa x x

[xn728]

hey you two ,ive just posted on your other post mich ,and came on here to have a look ,yourself and lisa have stuck up a good friendship and im glad to see that .mich ive been deppresed for 43 years and i feel all the pain you do ,in fact both of you ,i tried 3 times to kill myself ,crys for help they said ,they were wrong ,i was just to young to know how to do it properly ,and even now yes i do wake sometimes and wish for death .and if it came and offered its hand to me ,i would refuse for even though i am akward and look miserble ,and can be very moody ,3 people love and need me ,so there you go the rantings of a crazy old man ,but i care .
good to see your freinds ,,,xn728

[lisalou]

and we are all so glad you didn't die,you have survived for a reason,everyone has their part to play in the universe and everyone is loved by someone

Lisa x

P.s Crazy old men RULE! (well,second to crazy cat ladies like myself)

[xn728]

so am i ,i have so much ,yourself and mich seem to converce well ,theres a lot of pain in her posts ,i do hope she improves soon ,the weapons she needs to do battle are inside her ,she just needs to learn how to find them
,you,ll both be fine im sure ,the right words can carry some of that pain and make the burden easier ...xn728