Lost my wife

[Amalasan]

Hi there, here is my story and the story of my wife.

I met my wife in 2001 while playing an online game, diablo 2 actually. At first it was because we were one of the few playing the hardcore mode and that we both was good at it. We ended up helping each other with difficult things, chatting, flirting and the telling of real names and such. She was painfully shy, I was/am too but just not to her level. Fell in love, resolved to visit each other which was complicated by I was on the east coast US and she was in Sweden. Before I stepped of the train in her home town I had only seen a couple pictures and talked a few times voice via rogerwilco and she was perfect. She admitted later she was scared as she had ever been. I proposed in a moonlight filled forest at 2 am, we were only ones there, it was magical. I was working, she was not, decided we live in the US. First ten years was wonderful then small problems became big problems and seemed unsolvable. The slide was so gradual it was not noticed but we both slide into deep depression which we only realized less than a year before the unthinkable happened.
She had severe social anxiety as well as it seems to happen to a lot of people with depression I know now, she shunned being around anyone, except me. Even refused to let me give her a phone, we talked through a way to send messages from her computer to my phone when I was out.
Then I got in an accident, phone lost, she couldn't reach me. She tried sending messages, email, looking up accident reports. I know because I traced back her browser history. All I can fathom is the frantic dread must of consumed her because she finally started looking ways to hang herself, 11 sites in all. We both had a philosophy if you do something do it perfectly right. What shattered me was the 2nd to last history record was 'I tried hanging myself, what did i do wrong?'. She got it right the 2nd time....
She died because of depression, she died because she thought I was dead. Her social anxiety was so bad she rather did what she did than just...go knock on the neighbors door for help.
She was the absolutely love of my life, when she died she took with her all the good parts of me. I used to tell jokes, funny stories, even awful but good puns, could keep someone laughing until they begged for me stop. I don't joke, I don't even smile.
Her birthday was last Saturday, she always loved her birthday, she was selfless enough that the rest of the year she would gladly give and give but her birthday was all her own. That and every year I would do something new and surprising just for her.
In the months that followed was pure nightmare. My siblings who I never asked or demanded anything of, who I for the first and probably only time I really did, was suddenly too busy to even pick up the phone. Six months later I lost my father and my two sisters turn out be nothing but ghouls. The only family I have is her family, who turned out to be just as wonderful as my wife. They are too far away though. My wife and I always planned for a move to her town in sweden but depression made that problem seem like a unscalable mountain. In the last year together we got morbid and frank about death. We had an agreement, both or none, we promised if one went the other would join them wherever they were. I am still here, more than a year after she died. I am scared, not of death not in the slightest, but that I will have to live and live and live, never joining her.

[littlestarsmum]

I’m so sorry for your loss, friend. I feel your pain. I recently lost my dad and I know how devastating it must be for you to go through this. Losing a special person in our lives is very hard, and the impact of such a loss is deep. The sorrow can affect us in many ways. It’s important to let yourself go through the process and give yourself as much time as you need. Please get some help without delay. I’d suggest that you talk to a grief counselor. Do you have a support group nearby? I just said a prayer for you, and I hope that God will surround you with His comfort and heal you whenever you hurt. Please remember that you can always come here for help and support. Write back anytime. You’re in my thoughts and prayers!

[Leasy]

I just read your story. How sad..I’ve never lost a spouse, but I still grieve the death of my parents a lot, and they have been gone a long time. I live on the east coast too. I don’t play internet games. But if you ever need someone to talk to, this is the right forum to come to.


God bless

[jessica james]

I'm really sorry for your loss. I know losing your loved one can be so painful. I had been through this lately. When people ask what do you fear the most? 86% of the people reply they fear losing their loved ones. And this actually happened to me. I LOST my grandmother last month and I can't get over her absence. I miss her a lot and I can't imagine my life without her. It is getting tough to survive without her. I miss seeing her face in the moring and at dinner table. I'm brought up by my gandmaa and my parents died when I was 4 years old. For me my mother and father's absence was filled by my grandma. I have been in severe depression and this loneliness is killing me. My friends are helping me a bit.