Hello, Here Goes Nothing.

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ithinkiamtherefore
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Nov 24, 2019 10:26 pm

Hello, Here Goes Nothing.

Postby ithinkiamtherefore » Sun Nov 24, 2019 11:14 pm

Dear Forum Folks,
It's nice to meet you, although I wish it were under different circumstances. I've been struggling to cope with my depression for about a decade now. In that time I've seen many professionals, tried various medications, learned a handful of coping skills, and have seen mixed results. People are constantly telling me that, "It will get better." They said high school would be better than middle school--they were wrong. They said college would be better than high school--they were half right, half wrong. They said law school would be better than college--they were very, very wrong. Now they tell me that the real world will be better than law school. I guess I'm having trouble believing them.

In my experience, it never really gets better. For every single good day there are 50 bad days, and while that is better than only having bad days, it isn't objectively "better" than before either. For context, my life has changed dramatically in the past few months. I went from living in my favorite city on Earth, studying subjects that I really, genuinely cared about, surrounded by an imperfect, but haphazardly effective support system, with a therapist who really seemed to get me. I won't pretend I was happy all of the time. I was in debt, stressed out, and crumbling under the weight of my impending adulthood. But at least I was on my way to doing what I wanted to do with my life.

Then, I graduated college. My friends all got super cool jobs, moved far, far away, and are now too busy to call me back. I applied to law school on a whim, because no one would hire me to do what I actually wanted to do, and wound up with a full ride to a small school in east nowhere. I'm not even sure I want to be a lawyer, but I didn't really have a choice. Since starting law school, I've become extremely depressed. I miss my old life, as imperfect and impractical as it was. I miss my people so bad I can't stop crying, but they're not in any position to comfort me and I know that my negativity would only upset them. Plus, it's not exactly easy to admit when you're the only one apparently floundering. When you're the one having trouble letting go.

My parents are furious that I don't fully appreciate this opportunity, and are fed up with listening to me cry over the phone. I'm scared that I'll never get back to being the person I was. That I'll never have the life I really want, and that I've ruined everything. I think about quitting law school everyday, but I don't know where I'd go or what I'd do. I feel hopeless and mentally exhausted. I just want to go home, but home doesn't exist anymore. Everyone's moved on. The other students here are very nice, but law school is their entire universe. They eat, sleep, and breathe law. When they aren't at school, they're studying or talking about school. And that's just not who I am. It's not that I don't care about school, I do care, I just feel like there needs to be more to life than grades and law school. Thanks.

Mightllein
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Nov 25, 2019 10:13 am

Re: Hello, Here Goes Nothing.

Postby Mightllein » Mon Nov 25, 2019 10:41 am

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us. Must be a hard time to keep all of that with yourself and not being able to just let out your feelings. I don't really know how to ensure you that you're doing great, but really, you're doing great and you should be really proud of yourself.
You have been told many times that eventually, it will all be better "when the time is right". But when is it actually? In high school? College? Just, real life? None actually can answer that, so it's really unfair for someone to say that eventually it will get better with time. Time doesn't change anything but the environment, the one to make you change is you yourself. You can't count on time or someone to make you get up, it's really up to yourself.
I know it sounds unfair, when you think you have a disadvantage in your life, but everyone keeps telling you to be as good as anyone else. It's wrong, and I just want to tell you something, you don't have to live for someone else expectations. It's your life, why do they bother to decide what's success and what's a failure for you? Everyone have their own time to bloom, and for me, it's yet to come. But I'm sure if we keep going, we would be able to move on from that tiny little matters like grades and money, cause all that won't decide who you are as a person, as long as you are a good person, why does all that matter? And yes, life is more than just grades and your law school. Keep pursue what you want, if it started to feel suffocating, finish it, then try something else you think you'd be good at. Sometimes pressure can make us feel like we're not enough, but can I tell you this, you're absolutely amazing, you survive all these years while struggling mentally, but you did a great job and when you think that everything started to feel exhausting, take a break, you deserved it. I always loved to just get away to another city for a few days if I started to feel suffocate in life, just enjoying the life of another which feels so different from the town I used to live, maybe it would cure your feelings of longing something from your past. I can relate to you, missing your old life, and surely there's nothing better to cure than just going back to those places, reminiscing a bit and go back to reality, yeah, it's harsh, but what can we do? We just need to endure it till someone find a time machine! Well done, and keep going in life, you deserve lots of applause and tons of hugs.

P.S : Sorry for writing so many! You're doing great!

Spleefy
Posts: 241
Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 6:54 am

Re: Hello, Here Goes Nothing.

Postby Spleefy » Tue Nov 26, 2019 5:19 am

Howdy,

Like you, in my experience things don’t miraculously get better on their own. For things to get better, we need to work towards making it better.

I know it seems so bad for you right now. But the good thing about life is that most things are not set in stone—they can be changed.

You made some choices that you thought were for the best at the time, but they didn’t work out as you had hoped. That’s okay!

Why would you think you can’t have the life you want? You’ve got your whole life ahead of you to create it! You'll encounter setbacks, roadblocks, and lack clarity at times. But it will pass.

I see it differently to your folks. I think it is unfair to say that you don’t appreciate the opportunity, especially since it has nothing to do with it. It has more to do with the fact that you are clearly unhappy with your life right now. Not everyone wants to be a lawyer. Law school is tough, and even tougher for someone who isn’t completely into it.

I don’t think it is unreasonable for you to feel this way. If anything, you should be praised for having a go, making an effort, and trying to make something of your life, especially while you are battling with depression. The fact that you are giving law school a go shows that you do appreciate the opportunity.

The way I see it, the most important thing is your happiness. And out of this experience, I think it is positive that you can see that it is making you unhappy. At least you know this sooner rather than later, before you invest all your time, energy, money, and emotions into something that will make you unhappy and unfulfilled. You are better off putting all that into something that will make you happy.

You may or may not have the exact life you once had. Life is dynamic and ever-changing. However, this doesn’t mean you can’t have a beautiful life. Often, life will end up being better than it ever was when we accept change and be open and willing to explore new paths to see where it will take us.

You tried a new path and it isn't the path you want to take. You'll figure it out. It helps to ask yourself questions. For example: what do you want in life? What will make you happy? What can you do today to work towards that goal? Why didn't you have a choice to study law? Why are there 50 bad days to every good day? What makes your day so bad? Was there anything in that day that was good, even if only small? Would you still be willing to live back home, even without your old friends? Is there a way to reconnect with your old friends? And so forth.

Just have some clarity about what it is that you want in your life. What I find helps is to accept the things that I cannot change, and work towards the things that I DO have control over and that I can change.

Just keep trying to work towards creating the life that you want. It will happen for you.
Jehovah is close to the brokenhearted; he saves those who are crushed in spirit.—Psalm 34:18


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