Ok I'll try to make this short. I'm a27yrs old maleand have suffered from depression since I was 6 or so. I was both physically and sexual abuse since I was very young. (Mostly physical abuse from 3-12 or so). I have always had a sort of social phobia so never had any friends or any childhood to really speak of. I have never manged to ever "finish" anything in my entire life, including school. I have ADD pretty bad along with a horrible, horrible memory. By the time I was 18 I had more jobs than most people ever have in their lives (Close to 30), most lasting only 2 weeks before I quit.
I've never been able to move out on my own so have lived with my father since I was around 16....I just never can manage to hold onto a job long enough to have any money saved up. I've had a couple visits to the hospital before for suicidal intentions but I didn't feel like it helped me at all...The doctors would visit me for 5 minutes a day and tell me to go to groups....I'm so scared of people that the idea of being in a small room with a bunch of people makes me shake and want to cry. Over the years I've tried to find various methods of treatment for myself but I always screw it up. I don't have any money so sliding scale clinics were my only options.... I would go to the first couple appts and then would feel too tired to follow through.... Eventually they said they wouldn't be able to see me. A few years later they gave me a "last chance" contract and the same thing happend, I screwed up by not making the appointments.. It made it seem like I was just a lost cause.
Skip forward about 8yrs and things looked like they were going to change. I managed to keep my p/t job at Subway for over a year and even got promoted to manager for about a month until I screwed that up and got fired. While working there I did meet a girl and after a month we decided to go out (still not sure how I managed to pull that off lol). She's 19yrs old and currently going to college with a psychology major... She has an idea of what I'm going through but can't manage to really understand what it's like. She is the first real friend I've had and actually the first person I've ever talked to for more than 5minutes besides doctors. She seems to think I have a dependent personality and after looking it up, every symptom describes me... It worries her because she thinks I may just be with her because I don't want to be alone anymore.
Here's the real tricky part. A couple weeks ago we found out she is pregnant. She want's to have this baby with me..... The problem is we are both completely broke. She's still working at Subway but only about 10hrs/week and I haven't been ab le to find another job yet. Even if I can find another job soon it's definitely not going to be anything above minimum wage. I just don't know what to do anymore. She wants us to get our own place but the only way I could see that happening is if we get a section 8 apartment, but nobodys taking applications right now and even if they were it's at least a 2yr waiting list. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Don't know what to do.
Moderators: Sunlily92, windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
It's a hard situation but people need each other, and I bet you would be happy together. (Some tough times at first, but better later on.) More people have big problems than you would think. Would your dad or her parent(s) be willing to help or have you stay there for several months or more, until you can manage your own place?
Maybe you can find a different kind of job that you're able to cope with better. It can really make a difference if you find an easier or more suitable job; also PT instead of FT may make the difference in keeping the lob long-term, because it'll be less pressure. And less money, but better half the money for years than twice the money for weeks, and you can try to increase wage or hours when you can handle it. Try to find some free help if you can, but otherwise hang in there. Happy thought: your genes will live on! (Seriously.) I hope it goes well.
Maybe you can find a different kind of job that you're able to cope with better. It can really make a difference if you find an easier or more suitable job; also PT instead of FT may make the difference in keeping the lob long-term, because it'll be less pressure. And less money, but better half the money for years than twice the money for weeks, and you can try to increase wage or hours when you can handle it. Try to find some free help if you can, but otherwise hang in there. Happy thought: your genes will live on! (Seriously.) I hope it goes well.
I have been in the mental health system, as a consumer, for a lot of years. Of course not all therapists and pdocs are created equal.
While I know that education is important when it comes to that field, sometimes it seems like some of the things that you hear from them,or even read online or not necessarily gospel truth.
Have a real problem when it comes to the word co-dependency. Seems to be the catch-phrase these days.
I have always figured that we all need each other. After living in both, you can see the differences in the dynamics of living in a small town as opposed to a large city. As much as I will complain about the disadvantages of living in a small town, at least I knew that people cared.
Now in a large city, my mom has lived in the same house for over 35 years and I only know the neighbors, faintly, on either side of the house.
I find it so odd living in a place, where nobody seems to care about others Just themselves. No that can't be a blanket statement, but almost could be,.
I think my point (after much rambling) is that we all need to have people to lean on, and that it is cruel to put a bad spin on it. I know that with my friends, sometimes they lean and on me, sometimes I lean on them.
That may be a oversimplification. I do understand that leaning can go to far. Just having someone in your life, who is an important part of your life (especially if you haven't had one before) might be opening up the floodgates of stuff that you have kept in for a while. Might be a little overwhelming, for both of you at the start.
Well I suppose that I don't know you very well and really shouldn't be spouting off at you. I suppose whenever the co-dependency thing comes up it just hits a nerve with me.
I can see that you have a lot of decisions to make. You say that she is the first friend that you have had. Look at us being the second,third,fourth,etc (I don't know how many are active in the forum) friends that you have to vent with some of your thoughts.
I can see that you posted on Monday. Here it is Tuesday afternoon and you already have 2 replies. We do listen.
While I know that education is important when it comes to that field, sometimes it seems like some of the things that you hear from them,or even read online or not necessarily gospel truth.
Have a real problem when it comes to the word co-dependency. Seems to be the catch-phrase these days.
I have always figured that we all need each other. After living in both, you can see the differences in the dynamics of living in a small town as opposed to a large city. As much as I will complain about the disadvantages of living in a small town, at least I knew that people cared.
Now in a large city, my mom has lived in the same house for over 35 years and I only know the neighbors, faintly, on either side of the house.
I find it so odd living in a place, where nobody seems to care about others Just themselves. No that can't be a blanket statement, but almost could be,.
I think my point (after much rambling) is that we all need to have people to lean on, and that it is cruel to put a bad spin on it. I know that with my friends, sometimes they lean and on me, sometimes I lean on them.
That may be a oversimplification. I do understand that leaning can go to far. Just having someone in your life, who is an important part of your life (especially if you haven't had one before) might be opening up the floodgates of stuff that you have kept in for a while. Might be a little overwhelming, for both of you at the start.
Well I suppose that I don't know you very well and really shouldn't be spouting off at you. I suppose whenever the co-dependency thing comes up it just hits a nerve with me.
I can see that you have a lot of decisions to make. You say that she is the first friend that you have had. Look at us being the second,third,fourth,etc (I don't know how many are active in the forum) friends that you have to vent with some of your thoughts.
I can see that you posted on Monday. Here it is Tuesday afternoon and you already have 2 replies. We do listen.
I suppose I could keep living at my fathers house since I've been living here most of my life....When does that stop though? Why can't I function in life and do things on my own for once? Just once in my life I'd like to feel like I accomplished something. I'm sick of leaning against other people and having them take care of me. I just don't know how to fix this...
I'm sure you can move out on your own eventually, just set that goal and work patiently on it, don't beat yourself up about it. Try to gain that feeling of accomplishment, choose something. How about accomplishing being a father and husband? Not bad! And you're halfway there already!
If you take pride in that it may give you a little extra boost in motivation and also satisfaction and happiness from sharing your life with someone you love. And a big step toward moving out on your own (because you'll want to!). It won't be easy. However, life won't be easy anyway.
Also try to accomplish some really small things just to get that feeling.
If you take pride in that it may give you a little extra boost in motivation and also satisfaction and happiness from sharing your life with someone you love. And a big step toward moving out on your own (because you'll want to!). It won't be easy. However, life won't be easy anyway.
Also try to accomplish some really small things just to get that feeling.
LostWulf,
I know how difficult it can be to be living with your parents when you are an adult.
I got married at 21 and moved out of town. My parents were ill, and I lived close enough to them. That every week or so, I would go back to the city and stay with them for a couple of days. I always had my own home to go back to.
Fast forward to 2006. My mother is elderly and, since I am separated from my kid's dad, I moved back in. Moving back in with your mom, at 48 is quite difficult. I no longer have a home of my own. I live in my mom's home, but it is not my home, it is the house that I live in.
I have no idea how long I will be in this situation. I don't know how much longer I can take it before I lose my mind. Unfortunately if I state it rather cruelly. There is no doubt that mom is slipping badly, but refuses to leave the house. Means I have to say.
Have been told often that I could just leave. Those people don't know me. I have a concience and I could never walk away. At this point I am just hoping that I can make plans so I can go away on holidays for a week in September.
We will see how that one works out.
I really do feel for you in your situation. At least I am old. You are a young man with a growing family. I hope that somehow we can help you sort out, in your head what options you have.
I have mentioned, many times, that I think that for me, it helps so much just to let some of those crazy-making thoughts out of my head. Getting them out of the loop by sharing, often helps me to slow the whole process down. I can then think clearer.
I know how difficult it can be to be living with your parents when you are an adult.
I got married at 21 and moved out of town. My parents were ill, and I lived close enough to them. That every week or so, I would go back to the city and stay with them for a couple of days. I always had my own home to go back to.
Fast forward to 2006. My mother is elderly and, since I am separated from my kid's dad, I moved back in. Moving back in with your mom, at 48 is quite difficult. I no longer have a home of my own. I live in my mom's home, but it is not my home, it is the house that I live in.
I have no idea how long I will be in this situation. I don't know how much longer I can take it before I lose my mind. Unfortunately if I state it rather cruelly. There is no doubt that mom is slipping badly, but refuses to leave the house. Means I have to say.
Have been told often that I could just leave. Those people don't know me. I have a concience and I could never walk away. At this point I am just hoping that I can make plans so I can go away on holidays for a week in September.
We will see how that one works out.
I really do feel for you in your situation. At least I am old. You are a young man with a growing family. I hope that somehow we can help you sort out, in your head what options you have.
I have mentioned, many times, that I think that for me, it helps so much just to let some of those crazy-making thoughts out of my head. Getting them out of the loop by sharing, often helps me to slow the whole process down. I can then think clearer.
Hey Lost... you certainly have your hands full, huh? Have you ever tried ADD medication to help with your focus and impulsiveness? Just a suggestion...
Also, I would definitely suggest you put yourselves on the Section 8 housing list. What could it hurt? In the meantime, I also suggest seeing if your father is willing to have you guys living with him until you can manage on your own. That's what parents do, Lost. They help and support their children. And now, with a baby on the way? You need that help. Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is ask for help from those that love you.
Question though... do you love your girlfriend? Do you want a life with her? Trust me when I tell you that there are a great deal of programs out there to help people with children... you just have to look, ok? That starts at welfare and branches out from there.
Have faith in yourself, Lost. You CAN do this. Your baby needs its daddy... GOOD LUCK.
Also, I would definitely suggest you put yourselves on the Section 8 housing list. What could it hurt? In the meantime, I also suggest seeing if your father is willing to have you guys living with him until you can manage on your own. That's what parents do, Lost. They help and support their children. And now, with a baby on the way? You need that help. Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is ask for help from those that love you.
Question though... do you love your girlfriend? Do you want a life with her? Trust me when I tell you that there are a great deal of programs out there to help people with children... you just have to look, ok? That starts at welfare and branches out from there.
Have faith in yourself, Lost. You CAN do this. Your baby needs its daddy... GOOD LUCK.
aim wrote:Hey Lost... you certainly have your hands full, huh? Have you ever tried ADD medication to help with your focus and impulsiveness? Just a suggestion...
Also, I would definitely suggest you put yourselves on the Section 8 housing list. What could it hurt? In the meantime, I also suggest seeing if your father is willing to have you guys living with him until you can manage on your own. That's what parents do, Lost. They help and support their children. And now, with a baby on the way? You need that help. Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is ask for help from those that love you.
Question though... do you love your girlfriend? Do you want a life with her? Trust me when I tell you that there are a great deal of programs out there to help people with children... you just have to look, ok? That starts at welfare and branches out from there.
Have faith in yourself, Lost. You CAN do this. Your baby needs its daddy... GOOD LUCK.
I've never been on ADD I don't think. Last time I went for treatment (after I got out of the hospital)...They simply gave me Prozac. I told them about my problems concentrating and such and the Dr said the Prozac will help with all of that. My problem is I can't ever manage to keep my appointments. Yesterday I made an appt for the clinic I got kicked out of to talk to them..I'm hoping they purge their records after a certain amount of time so they don't see my missed appointment history. I'm going to talk to a nurse on Thursday there and they said it might take a few months before I can actually start talking to a doctor and get some meds going.
I would be more than happy to apply for section 8 even though the waiting list is so long....However nobody around here is even accepting applications for it right now and they can't tell me when they'll start again. As far as living with my father goes, I suppose I will have to just stay here for awhile. I hardly ever talk to him and even though I suppose I love him....I honestly don't really like him that much (I'm VERY distant from any family). Most likely she'll keep living at her mothers as well since her home is much more stable with better conditions.... With her mother hating me so much I'm not too sure how well that's going to work out though. As it stands right now she basically has to lie to her just to see me. It's not uncommon for me to drive a good 40min total (20 there, 20 back) just to spend 10 minutes with her when she's running to the grocery store for her mom.
Of course I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her...She's the only person I've ever had in my life. I suppose we're not totally above looking into some kind of welfare program for our baby....I just wish there was another program beyond section 8 that would help us get our own place together, which would make things a lot easier as far as being together with our baby.
Lost, I really think it is worth it to get tested for ADD. I'm not saying you have it, but, if you do, there are wonderful medications out there to help you with your concentration problems.
Glad to hear you love your girl... very good start!
Why does her mother hate you? Maybe since you are her baby's father, her mother's grandchild's father, she might begin to warm to you?
I don't know where you live, but in NJ where I am, there is a program called Temporary Rental Assistance, which helps a lot of people until their Section 8 comes through. Like I said... with a baby, it is a bit easier to get programs to help you.
Good luck and please keep me posted! And... Congratulations on becoming a father.
Glad to hear you love your girl... very good start!
Why does her mother hate you? Maybe since you are her baby's father, her mother's grandchild's father, she might begin to warm to you?
I don't know where you live, but in NJ where I am, there is a program called Temporary Rental Assistance, which helps a lot of people until their Section 8 comes through. Like I said... with a baby, it is a bit easier to get programs to help you.
Good luck and please keep me posted! And... Congratulations on becoming a father.
aim wrote:Lost, I really think it is worth it to get tested for ADD. I'm not saying you have it, but, if you do, there are wonderful medications out there to help you with your concentration problems.
Glad to hear you love your girl... very good start!
I don't know where you live, but in NJ where I am, there is a program called Temporary Rental Assistance, which helps a lot of people until their Section 8 comes through. Like I said... with a baby, it is a bit easier to get programs to help you.
Good luck and please keep me posted! And... Congratulations on becoming a father.
I definitely have ADD, I don't think anybody has ever doubted that. Hopefully this next appointment I have with the sliding scale place doesn't mean I have to wait 3+ months before I can actually see a doctor about it. As far as why her mother hates me.....I can't really say I blame her. I could imagine if I had a 19yr old daughter I wouldn't want her to be messing with a 27yr old guy who is unemployed and still lives with his father. I'm sure she's afraid I'm going to screw up her life.
I have no idea who I need to call about finding help for ourselves. Each city seems to have their own section 8 system and I have tried about 5 of them in our area, none of them can do anything to help us. I few took applications but said the waiting list could be as long as 5yrs.
I live in Canada and we have a terrible housing problem here too. I am living with my elderly mother, so, for now, I have somewhere to live.
She just turned 82 and is quite frail. Am not sure if I will be out on the street next week, next month, next year. Then I will be in the position of so many others, just nowhere to go. I really sympathisize with your situation. I imagine that you live in the US so I am not sure how your system works. Have no idea what this section 8 system is. For me I have no idea where I will go. Try not to think of that one too much, or else it would really drive me around the bend.
My son, and his dad have ADD. I don't quite understand if you have been tested or not, or if you are waiting to be tested for it. You write that you have an appointment in 3 months+, but don't understand if it would be a diagnostic appointment. Once diagnosed properly I think there is a lot of help out there for you to access, even on-line.
It wasn't until we had to deal with my son's ADD (quite serious, he repeated a grade and then finally dropped out in grade 10) that his dad realized that a diagnosis of ADD would explain a lot of things in his life.
All I can say about the meds part, is that when my son was on them, he did a lot better. I know some people say that the medication negatively affected them, but for my son I know that his life would have been so much easier. He was dealing with it 25 years ago, so I don't doubt that they have made many inroads into meds, rather than the few that were available to us then.
My opinions on the school system are not favourable but I do know that if he had the meds he would have interacted with kids better and maybe had a lot less difficulties, social wise, if he had some of his stuff under control. Don't know about your life, but I know he always did better with adults (probably they are more patient) than with other kids.
He is a good boy (now)27 and would give you the shirt off his back. Very outgoing. Kind of scares me because I have no idea on what hurt he has inside.
She just turned 82 and is quite frail. Am not sure if I will be out on the street next week, next month, next year. Then I will be in the position of so many others, just nowhere to go. I really sympathisize with your situation. I imagine that you live in the US so I am not sure how your system works. Have no idea what this section 8 system is. For me I have no idea where I will go. Try not to think of that one too much, or else it would really drive me around the bend.
My son, and his dad have ADD. I don't quite understand if you have been tested or not, or if you are waiting to be tested for it. You write that you have an appointment in 3 months+, but don't understand if it would be a diagnostic appointment. Once diagnosed properly I think there is a lot of help out there for you to access, even on-line.
It wasn't until we had to deal with my son's ADD (quite serious, he repeated a grade and then finally dropped out in grade 10) that his dad realized that a diagnosis of ADD would explain a lot of things in his life.
All I can say about the meds part, is that when my son was on them, he did a lot better. I know some people say that the medication negatively affected them, but for my son I know that his life would have been so much easier. He was dealing with it 25 years ago, so I don't doubt that they have made many inroads into meds, rather than the few that were available to us then.
My opinions on the school system are not favourable but I do know that if he had the meds he would have interacted with kids better and maybe had a lot less difficulties, social wise, if he had some of his stuff under control. Don't know about your life, but I know he always did better with adults (probably they are more patient) than with other kids.
He is a good boy (now)27 and would give you the shirt off his back. Very outgoing. Kind of scares me because I have no idea on what hurt he has inside.
I totally agree with Monty (and yes that does happen often) that ADD medications go a long way. I have seen people both off and on them, and I can say, with all certainty that when the people I've seen are on them, they are much more manageable... even to themselves.
Lost... if your girlfriend is indeed pregnant, and the two of you decide to raise the child together, her mother will have no choice but to accept you or lose her child. She will accept you.
Keep the faith, Lost... life will get better for you.
Lost... if your girlfriend is indeed pregnant, and the two of you decide to raise the child together, her mother will have no choice but to accept you or lose her child. She will accept you.
Keep the faith, Lost... life will get better for you.
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 30 guests