Another new depressed person who talks too much.

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Jtw
Posts: 65
Joined: Sat Mar 02, 2019 9:58 pm

Re: Another new depressed person who talks too much.

Postby Jtw » Tue Mar 19, 2019 12:48 am

Thanks for the support, it actually means a lot! On Friday I left work, feeling fine but 2-3 minutes along the road it started to hit me. Another weekend with nothing to do.
I decided not to go out on Friday because I was just too miserable and it was getting to me. I kept busy enough to get out on Saturday and had a pretty good time. The deaf girl dumped me and i'm not 100% sure why. I went in to see her at work and she was happy to see me, but then she started messaging. She kept telling me she was going out with a different guy, just to make me jealous, i think. I wasn't bothered enough and she got angry so i left her to it.
No great loss, i get the feeling she wasn't what I thought she was.
On Sunday the ex came to town. She's getting better and starting to act much more like her old self. I'm not sure what to make of that!

juliman2798
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Mar 19, 2019 11:32 pm

Re: Another new depressed person who talks too much.

Postby juliman2798 » Tue Mar 19, 2019 11:36 pm

I feel that I can’t be myself. I don’t even know who I am, I have changed so many times depending on the context, that now I am lost. It feels like I’m never enough; I’m never who I should be. The truth is: who I should be is not really who I want to be. Right now I wish I could enter an alternate state, in which I didn’t feel how I am feeling. I am writing because I know I shouldn’t drink, due to the medication I take for depression. But I want to drink, do drugs and maybe, kill myself too.

The reason I think I want to do drugs is because I assume I will be closer to death and less afraid to commit suicide. I could even kill myself by accident, which would be great.

Jtw
Posts: 65
Joined: Sat Mar 02, 2019 9:58 pm

Re: Another new depressed person who talks too much.

Postby Jtw » Wed Mar 20, 2019 3:47 am

Yeah, the world is a pretty messed up place. Here's a fun little anecdote about drugs.

We used to have a neighbour. She started out a pretty nice girl, she looked after our house for us and watched our dog, before some local abducted and ate him. She was probably a nice woman once but her mother stole her business out from under her and left her in debt. She never recovered and was left in a single room with 3 kids and her mother.
Things got bad for her and she spiralled down into a meth addiction.
Finally she lost her home and the kids went missing. They were only very small and rumour had it they were with their cousins in a province somewhere. We never found out.
Then she had a baby, another one. That's not a shock since she was working as a prostitute by then and was certifiably mental! We tried to help, we gave her all the clothes and equipment we could spare but she sold it all for meth. At this point we were worried, we couldn't give her money because it would get to the child. We gave her bottled milk but if she didn't feed the baby in front of us, she'd just sell the stuff. Last we knew, she was feeding her coffee-creamer instead of milk.
Then a family turned up at our house. They were there to buy the baby for $750. I was horrified but they explained it's just a simple process and the paperwork is at the police station and they both just sign it. Simple.
The baby was looking terrible and needed a family. I swallowed my opinions and just watched it happen.
Then, this woman's drug-dealer boyfriend told her she couldn't sell it, he wanted more money.
They threatened to leave and in desperation, I literally decided that I had no choice to but to go find the boyfriend and fight him for the baby's life.
Suddenly it all went wrong when it became obvious that our 'friend' was just trying to scam the family and using her dying baby to steal money from them. They went off to buy one from outside the local hospital and the woman vanished back into a meth-pipe.
Against the odds, the baby is alive and isn't too badly off today. The woman is in prison and not expected to survive the experience.
Drugs are not a solution. They're a snake and you're in need of a ladder. You're already suffering from a lack of control over your life, so don't give it more of it away.
Whatever else you decide, don't talk about trying drugs. People don't decide to try drugs, they're so desperate that they slip into a lifestyle they have almost no hope of escaping.
Get the help you need and take control.

Jtw
Posts: 65
Joined: Sat Mar 02, 2019 9:58 pm

Re: Another new depressed person who talks too much.

Postby Jtw » Sun Mar 24, 2019 4:43 am

Weekends are bad for me and this one has been the worst for a while. I've not spoken to anyone today at all. We're having random power cuts across town so I spent the morning in a coffee shop alone. I usually meet a friend in the afternoon but he was busy.
I was invited out last night but I didn't go. It was down a notorious street full of prostitutes with a bunch of old guys as they pick up the one they want for the evening. I couldn’t face an evening of that.
That's pretty much all there is in this town.
I've tried dating but it doesn't go anywhere. I've tried going out with guys from work but they tend to be more trouble than they're worth. Slowly, all the good friends I've had in this town have left. I've tried going out on my own but that just makes the depression flare up violently.
I've looked for clubs, societies and other things to join but there's nothing.
Just venting! Thanks for listening.

Starbuck
Posts: 40
Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2019 1:34 pm

Re: Another new depressed person who talks too much.

Postby Starbuck » Sun Mar 24, 2019 9:34 pm

As far as I can remember your ex and your son live in another town? Ever though about moving there? Is that even an option?

Jtw
Posts: 65
Joined: Sat Mar 02, 2019 9:58 pm

Re: Another new depressed person who talks too much.

Postby Jtw » Mon Mar 25, 2019 12:58 am

Sadly it's not an option. I'm living in the capitol, which is the only place I can earn decent money. I'm here for 6 months, getting us out of the financial mess we're in. She's in a small town with her family. She's at work now and the grandparent watch out son during the day. It's not an ideal setup but it means we're saving money and getting out of trouble.

Starbuck
Posts: 40
Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2019 1:34 pm

Re: Another new depressed person who talks too much.

Postby Starbuck » Mon Mar 25, 2019 7:56 pm

Not ideal, but still progress.

Jtw
Posts: 65
Joined: Sat Mar 02, 2019 9:58 pm

Re: Another new depressed person who talks too much.

Postby Jtw » Wed Mar 27, 2019 3:11 am

It's better than nothing. This month is the first time I've had money in the bank for as long as i can remember. I checked my balanced and shocked myself that i'm not broke!

Jtw
Posts: 65
Joined: Sat Mar 02, 2019 9:58 pm

Re: Another new depressed person who talks too much.

Postby Jtw » Sat Mar 30, 2019 11:19 pm

I had a better weekend so far. Last weekend was rough and I expected this one to be worse. It's been nearly 3 weeks since I saw my son, which makes everything worse. This weekend his mum had a job doing hair and makeup at a wedding so they had to go away. It's his birthday on Thursday so they're coming in to town so i can spend the day with him and we've having a party for him at the weekend, back in the province.
I went out yesterday to an Irish bar/guesthouse. I know the manager and met a mate there. The owner was drunk and angry and was in the process of throwing out a French guy who habitually ruined the sheets by losing bowel control. I'm pretty big and was asked to help if things turned nasty. They didn't in the end, he went quietly and there was no problem.
We chatted away and met this other guy from Europe. He was a sound-stage mechanic but one of the brightest, sharpest people I've met out here. I need to push myself to go out more at weekends, staying him just makes me feel a lot worse.
I'm meeting a friend for lunch later. She's one of my ex-students who I growled at for poor attendance. Before I knew it, she was telling everyone I was like a dad to her and we were suddenly friends. I helped her write a book, which came out pretty well and she left school and became a teacher.
She's been seeing this guy, and while he's a top man, he's a backpacker and he left this morning. She's pretty upset about it and I'm expecting waterworks. It's hard to meet nice people out here, and she's struggling to meet decent men to date. I struggle to find people to have a beer with, so I know how she feels.
Later I'm meeting an IT consultant. He's a friend I met through motorcycles. He helped me get my books onto Amazon, which has now got me a publishing deal so I'm actually a professional writer now...
In fact, most writers never make more than $10 in their entire career and I've made $1000 on my best month so I really can't grumble at that!
I went out to buy a scooter but it had already sold, they said. I need a new scooter to get around on. My bike is huge and expensive to run. In fact, I worked out the cost of fuel over a year and the amount I'm paying just to get me to work would pay for a nice scooter. So this weekend, I'm out on my battered old wreck of a scooter and looking around for a better one.
My old one is going to be rebuilt once I've replaced it. The poor little thing has been a rental for nearly 6 years and never stopped working. It's now pretty sick but needs less than $100 to get it back to perfect. Once it's done, I'm thinking of re-building it into an 'Attack Scooter' an upgraded and cosmetically re-worked bike as a special project.
It's essentially worthless so it's either that or a viking-funeral.


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