Venting and looking for advice

[Emptiness]

Hello everyone, I'm new to these forums, 23 years old and recently have been going through some tough times and it feels like I have no one that I can talk to, I'm hoping that this message board can help. I've just recently left the military after 5 years, and was dealing with depression while I was in, I thought it would be better once I got out. For awhile it was, I went home to visit family, which was nice. But when I was home I met someone, and at the time I didn't know how much of an impact she was going to make on my life. We ended up spending a lot of time together when I was home, it was great spending time with her. After visiting for awhile, I left to go to Texas, it was my plan to go to school there. When I was on the plane, waiting for it to take off, I couldn't get her off of my mind, and I didn't know why. But..when the plane took off, I cried uncontrollably, I thought I was never going to see her again and it was the worst pain I've ever felt. It was at that moment that I knew I couldn't just let her leave my life, but I didn't know if she felt the same way. We talked for awhile over facebook, and eventually I decided to tell her how I felt. It turned out she felt the same way, I was so happy. I said screw Texas and I went back home so I could be with her. It was great for awhile, we were both really happy. She shared a lot of her past with me, and I think maybe this is when she started to feel different towards me. She had a terrible past, I don't want to share her story without her permission but it involved, rape, drug addiction, serious family problems, terrible ex's, how she use to cut herself, which you can see on her arms, and other things. I felt terrible when she told me all this, I didn't know what to say. I felt even worse because I didn't have anything to share, I was a shut-in my whole life, I think maybe it was at this point that she thought I wouldn't be able to understand her, and I had the same fear. I accepted her past and still loved her and I told her this, and things were still good. Now this whole time, my family is completely against us being together, and it was pretty obvious. One night they flat out told me that I wasn't welcomed there anymore, I was devastated, I mean I knew they weren't happy about us, but you always think your family will be there for you, I just left without saying anything to anyone, including her. I didn't want her to see me breakdown. Obviously she could tell something was wrong and eventually she found me. I didn't say anything and refused to look at her and she just kept asking me what was wrong for about 30 minutes, before I broke down in front of her and told her everything, we sat there holding each other crying all night. The next day she lied to my family and told them that we broke up, she said it was lie but it felt like it wasn't. After that my family welcomed me again, but I didn't feel welcomed anymore and I didn't want to be there. Then soon after she went back to Jail for a parole violation, and now she is in there until she has her revocation hearing and she is still waiting to go to court for some other charges. She should be out around May next year. I've been keeping in touch with her since she's been in there but lately she has seem really decent and doesn't talk to me anymore. She doesn't talk to me anymore unless she wants something from me, then she has to go for some reason and promises she'll call right back but never does. I know she is dealing with a lot though, her mom is in really bad shape and is only going to be around for a couple more months and her ex is currently trying to take her son away from her while she is in there, at first I thought she just needed her space but then her ex told her sister that I paid for his attorney to take her son away from her, and her sister told her this. I told her that was a lie, I don't even talk to the guy. She said she believes me and that she loves me but after that, she seems even more distant then usual, I try to talk to her and tell her how I feel but she doesn't even reply to me anymore, I wish she would talk to me and tell me how she was feeling. I feel like I've lost everything trying to be with her, and if she were to leave me too then what is the point of even living. She means so much to me, and it just feels like she is pushing me away. I can't find a reason to get out of bed anymore, nothing seems to interest me anymore, I don't feel like eating or drinking, I just lay in bed all day thinking about the worst case scenario, crying. I just recently told her about my recent feelings and she still hasn't responded. I honestly don't know what to do, I don't know what I would do if she leaves me, she is everything to me, she is all I have left, I can't lose her too..

[darkness6172]

maybe you just should try to forget her. She is kind of toxic to you and it will not help you to be around her. It's difficult but it can be done. I was married for 25 years and then my ex threw me out...and I am still here. He was a manipulative narcissitic type which eliminated all my self-worth. sometimes one is better off alone

[juliatom543]

Forget her and move on you will soon find a better girl.

[CamilaWillaims]

Exactly totally agree with juliatom543 move on dear it's high time don't thing you don't deserve she don't deserve you she is your forget it you get someone more better then her...