mild chronic depression?

[living an adventure]

I have been getting this feeling in my chest for as far back as I can remember. The furthest I remember is when I was four. It's an intense dislike/annoyance/don't-want-to-be-there kind of feeling. It happens suddenly and most of the time, for no reason. That's only one of the symptoms.

The other one is an intense sadness that more often than not leads to me bowled over, crying, and my heart feeling very heavy. This is the feeling I would feel most of the time when I used to cut. I stopped two summers ago because I was coming home from college and I didn't want my parents to see. No one knew about it. I probably would have started again in September if I didn't meet my current boyfriend, who I have been dating for four months shy of two years. He is the reason why I haven't done it since then.

I don't know if this is depression but it sure feels like it to me. When I think back to my childhood, I recognize signs of it that I didn't know back then. Those painful, sad feelings are one of two types of downs I have. I also have a very angry feeling that comes from nowhere at all and makes me want to throw a brick at a window.



Three years ago, I met a guy named Matt. We started dating, everything was great, but I had to go home for that spring semester (I was a freshman in college) because I screwed up. I was depressed, HATED college, and according to my first year dean, my mind was subconsciously sabotaging me. So when I went home, I got fewer and fewer calls from Matt, and he started to stop answering his phone. Eventually, this stopped altogether. I got so upset that I stopped calling him. That May, when I came home from Anime Boston, he called me at dinner but I didn't pick up. My mom told me later that my face lost all color and went white when I looked at who was calling.

I called him back, stupid as I was. Well, to make a VERY long and complicated story short, he sugared and sweet-talked his way back into my life that next halloween at the rocky horror picture show, where we met the year before. We are both in live casts of it in our towns. We went on two dates after that. The second was the valentine's day dance at my college. He slept with me and left the next morning without a word after. I haven't heard from him since. This happened at the same time I was having a stressful time at school, and when one of my friends all of a sudden stopped talking to me and wouldn't tell me why. Two weeks later, she came up to me, all friendly-like, and told me "Oh, I just needed a break from you. I need breaks from all my friends once in a while."

Needless to say, she's not my friend anymore. So a lot happened at once and triggered a bout of severe depression. That's when I started cutting again - I first did it in tenth grade to "experiment" and because I was feeling that lousy feeling I explained above that I've felt during my life, so far. I had a few suicidal thoughts, but I would never actually act on them. I'm not someone who would actually do that. I think it very selfish and I would never hurt those who love me.

Anyway, that depression went on throughout the summer and into September until I met Gerard.



So that's my very short story and my question is this - do I have mild chronic depression that could be triggered and turned into temporary, serious bouts?

[Aurelia5]

Hi Living_

My heart goes out to you because you remind me of my days of terrible depression and frequent rage. I never got into self-mutilation, but I came close to suicide many times. I kept it as a way out, in case I couldn't handle life anymore. When I met my husband twenty years ago, I was 34, drinking way too much, full of rage, endlessly broke, and about as unstable as you can get. My husband made it so I could go to a phychiatrist and get on antidepressants. Saved my life, and evened me out.

You definitely need to see a psychiatrist; a pill doc. Not a psychologist - a talk doc, who can not prescribe drugs. Seeing both would be the best, but that turns into serious money. Your depressions and those feelings of wanting the whole world to go away are very familiar to me and they are very dangerous. Are you drinking too much? Do you get really mad when you drink alot? Can you describe what sets you off?

The self-mutilation is also a very bad thing. It is good that you won't kill yourself because it is so horrible for those who love you that are left behind, but if you're to the point of cutting, you need real help, really soon. Like this week.

Until then, see if you can find - either at a library or on the internet, the book called the DSM IV. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. It is easy to read, it lists all the symptoms of depression and also has all the sub-catagories there too. You would find it interesting and informative. I can tell by your writing that you have enough of a formal education that it would not be intimidating.

But get to a doctor. You came to this site because you're hurting and we will be here for you whenever you need us. Many of us have been exactly where you are, so we know how to make you feel better. You'll find the nicest people on the internet on this site.

Good luck, call a shrink, keep us posted. We really do care about you.

A5

[Monty]

Am sorry that it turned out that you were treated so cruelly by Matt. Sounds like the man in your life now, Gerard, is a keeper.
You say that you have been going out for close to 2 years. Does he have any idea of what has gone on in your past?

Depression is a scary thing to have invade your life, but if you have someone who you can talk about your fear with, it eases the load a lot.
Sometimes it is hard for our family to cope some of these difficult feelings that we have. Then it is best, if you can afford it, to do the talk therapy thing. I am bipolarII and have found that I can't do without the drugs, or without the therapy. I need both to keep me going.

I totally agree with aurelia that you should go to a professional. That is their jobs to figure out if people are in danger or not. Sometimes just to give some advice on how to cope with certain situations or fears that you have.
They can tell when someone is in over their heads and need continuing help. Or can help you understand that it is something that happened many years ago and what to look for, in case the depression rears it's ugly head again. And when you should go for help.

I also was a self-mutilator many years ago. I stopped for a very personal reason. One of my daughter's, so called friends, said that the reason I cut was because of my daughter. Then I made a promise to Amber that I would never do it again. I swear that some nights, not so often now, I can see the look in Amber's face when she was told that bit of "news". She was only 8 at the time.

Remember, that now you have found us, you have an huge support group ready to help you.

Look forward to hearing more from you.

[Aurelia5]

Monty

Tell you what. I'd get that "friend" of Amber's and tie her to the railroad tracks. Did she get mostly over it?

You poor thing. God kids can be mean.

A5

[Monty]

a5,

Thanks for your supportive comments. They mean a lot to me. For God's sake she was just a little kid, in grade 3.

I don't think that Amber, or I, will ever get over that.

The look on her face (she is now 24) will be burned in my brain forever.

To dump such a load of crap, on someone who is still just a little kid must be one of those things that they say "scar you for life".

I tried to reassure her that it wasn't true but to tell you the bottom line according to me, I am not sure if that still lingers in the back of her mind. Was it me..........

[living an adventure]

Thank you all for your replies. I greatly appreciate them.

Yes, Gerard knows everything. No, I don't cut anymore. I haven't for two years. He is the reason why. As for the psycho-whatsit, I don't believe in prescribed pills or therapy. I don't believe in, "welcome, what seems to be the problem?...I see...I see...okay here's a pill. It'll make you feel muuuch better."

I've been forced into therapy my entire life and I hate it, but not just because I've been forced to go. It doesn't work for me. My friends are who I talk to, not some shrink I don't know. I'm a very private person and talking to a therapist completely goes against everything I am. I greatly appreciate your words, though. Please don't think I don't. Thank you all for your words.

Sincerely,
Living an adventure