Expression

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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qwerty
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Feb 17, 2018 12:48 pm

Expression

Postby qwerty » Sat Feb 17, 2018 1:31 pm

Hello. For a while now, I've been feeling depressed. Not yet the depression that consumes me everyday, but the depression that visits me every once in a while. During those times I feel extremely alone. I feel like I want to ruin my health, to waste my time. Sometimes I try to distract myself from those feelings, but other times I want to do nothing. I just want to lay in bed and do absolutely nothing. I know I should talk to someone, but I feel like my friends and family are too busy to deal with me, so I don't. I want to confide with someone, but I also don't want to be a bother. I did try telling it once to someone that I trust. They commented that I really wanted hugs because I kept mentioning them. I replied "Yes because sometimes I get depressed -laughcryemoji-" I think because I often joke around, people around me don't realize how weak I am emotionally. I don't know what that person thought about what I said. They didn't really say anything about that. We just moved the conversation on and talked about another topic. I don't know if they didn't care, if they didn't know how or didn't want to deal with me. So I didn't continue to talk about it. I don't blame them.

The things that make me depressed are all very minor things when I think about them objectively. I do try and tell myself that I shouldn't worry about those things and that I am only overthinking. But that doesn't always work. I still get depressed despite trying to fight against it. I am so aware of what I feel like, that I sometimes blame myself. I blame myself for feeling depressed. I blame myself for wanting comfort. I blame myself for not listening to my own words. I blame myself for not being able to find joy. Even now, I half feel like I am just another person who is seeking for attention. I think about my feelings from a third person's point of view and suddenly, my true feelings feel so artificial. So fake.

One of the reasons why I feel so lonely at times, is because I am an online student. One year, I suddenly had to move houses and that brought me to online school. I do express to my parents that I want to go back to my old school, but it would be hard to make that possible because I don't live near my old school anymore. I feel terribly lonely that all my friends are now only friends that I talk to online. I am happy when they share about fun things that happen at school, but at the same time, it makes me feel lonelier because I am at home alone. My family is home too, but we aren't an emotionally close family. I have never cried about my feelings to them, or even told them about my deepest thoughts. Lately, I feel even more detached from them. But I don't blame them either.

I think I just needed to get my feelings out... so here I am, telling about my story to complete strangers. But sometimes, I find a comfort in that. I'm not sure if I'll come back to this forum, but I would like to thank everyone who read and understood this. Thank you for your time :)

rando
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Feb 20, 2018 12:39 am

Re: Expression

Postby rando » Tue Feb 20, 2018 1:28 am

I get that man to bad I don't know what to say but when I figure it out myself I will tell you

AnneW
Posts: 22
Joined: Sat Feb 03, 2018 8:57 am

Re: Expression

Postby AnneW » Tue Feb 20, 2018 7:07 am

Dear qwerty,
Is it possible, that since you have moved perhaps your parents can enroll you in the school in your area? I went to online school and I went to a real college. I hated the online school.

I'm older than you so I'm not exactly like you in that respect but I'm very lonely so I understand that feeling. When I went to the real school (which is not to undermine online colleges,) I found it way more enjoyable than the online version. Being an adult at the time I did not have "friends" there but I met wonderful acquaintances. Often instructors put us in groups to work. It sort of forces one to be social. This is not possible in an online setting until or unless you do an internship or lab.

Real schools mean fresh air at some point. It means getting out! You seem to already have a few friends. You might connect with a new friend or two in the new place. In my experience a student must go to the school in their immediate vicinity if it is the public school system. That might leave your parents hands tied if they do not feel it is a good school. It might be an avenue to explore. There's probably a local YMCA. They have youth programs.

You are so young, clearly very bright and sensitive. These are good qualities. Take care of yourself. It begins with you! You have so many things to look forward to and a bright future! Reach for the sky! If you miss, you will land among the stars! (a quote...I don't think I have it quite right but you get the idea!)

Thank-you for sharing! I wish you the best of what life has to offer!
~Anne XXXXX!

j2415
Posts: 64
Joined: Thu Jun 01, 2017 8:37 am

Re: Expression

Postby j2415 » Tue Feb 20, 2018 9:11 am

Hi Qwerty,
I'm so sorry about your depression. When someone is depressed, getting up from the bed is a struggle and it's difficult to function. Getting professional help will be beneficial to make you feel better.
Try to talk to your parents, if it's possible for you to enroll in school in your area. You can also try to join a support group to make you feel less lonely and you can talk freely about your feelings. Try to volunteer some of your time, most of the local churches always have an outreach program that you can join in.

I hope you will have peace as you go through this season. Please don't give up, this too shall pass, I pray that you will overcome and you will succeed in life. Take care of yourself. Thank you for sharing and keep us posted. We are here for you.


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