I don't know what to do :(

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

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I don't know what to do :(

Postby jinnie » Mon Feb 12, 2018 2:24 pm

I just wanted to talk about my feelings.
I'm a 16 year old girl and a student.
When I think about my "problem" I just want to laugh. I felt depressed for about a year I think... everything started when I entered grade 10. Just like many other teenagers, I hate school. Doesn't seem like a problem, right? It's just a phase that will end in 1 year... after that, I will graduate from high school.
But let's start with my social life.
I'm someone who has a group of good friends, none of them can be considered as my best friend though... I don't talk to any of them about my problems.
They just see me as a calm, shy and happy girl.
My family consist of 4 amazing people, I love all of them. I live with all of them together, we seem like a happy family.
I'm also someone who is never going out with friends... I'm not very social I think. I prefer staying at home on a friday night and just play video games...
Sometimes I draw, but I lost interest in drawing some time ago..
I think the reason for my depression is the way I live. I don't see any purpose in my life. The day starts with waking up, being absolutely tired , getting ready for school , come back, eat lunch, go to my room and just listen to music or play video games until 10pm and then, go to sleep again. Every day is the same day. And I don't think it'll change in the future. Because I think i'll fail, won't get a good job and disappoint my parents. I feel like I can't do it anymore. My parents want me to have good grades , they are sad because of my brother who failed his A-level exams and don't want that this happens to me... I can understand them...
But I just don't have any motivation. Like 0. Just thinking about school makes me feel anxious and sad. I'm not even getting bullied by someone.. I don't know why I am such a failure. Everyone seems to go through it somehow, they just do their job and make their parents proud.. But I can't do that..
I'm too weak to survive in this world, I don't know how to stand and not fall
I think that I can't handle life anymore...
I don't do my homework, I'm not eating well, I'm not cleaning my room or helping my tired and old mother in the house, I'm not going out with friends, I just get C's and D's in school ... my written exams are around the B and A mark but I don't participate in class because of my social anxiety and that's why my grades dropped to C and D..
Friends and family ask me "why can't you just try, just do it without thinking about it too much"
They don't understand that I already try but I don't succeed because I'm too weak...
And when I talk to my family about my problems they just tell me to overcome this difficult phase like every other student...
This makes me feel like a failure even more
I often thought about killing myself, but I'm even too weak for that.. and I'm really afraid
Everything's too much for me, and I don't know why I am even doing all of this
"Living" my life
Others have stories to tell, about their youth
How they experienced a lot, found their first love, went out with friends, watched movies or took pictures

But I feel like my youth is non existent
I just waste my time living in this world
Today, Tomorrow, the day after tomorrow
Everything repeats
Nothing changes

When I think about killing myself, these thoughts are sincere.. they seem so sincere
It's something that always comes back, it doesn't appear only when I'm the saddest, it's always there

I had these thoughts for a longer time and I don't see any purpose in living my life like that...
I'm going to enter grade 12 in some months, the last year of high school ... life won't get easier nor better
Just more stress and more failure are ahead of me
I don't know what to do ...

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Re: I don't know what to do :(

Postby Olive » Tue Feb 13, 2018 6:17 am

Hello dear

I am so sorry no one has seen your post yet. But I want you to know that everything can be okay again, someday, and that someday doesn’t have to be years off.

The first thing I wish I knew when I had depression and anxiety hit me hard in 10th grade was that what you have is an illness. If you are weak, it is not because of some fault in your character, it is a medical issue that needs to be addressed. You wouldn’t leave a broken bone unset, would you? Often times people dealing with depression, or mental illness generally, are a stronger type of person because inside of our heads and hearts we have to fight very hard to hold ourselves together. And I think you are a strong person for holding yourself together, and a smart person to recognize you need some help, and I think you have hope because you are looking for answers. Your pain is real, it isn’t just you. It took me years to figure this out and accept it and it is much easier to deal with it when you recognize it as illness and not your weakness as a person.

In regards to your thoughts of suicide: I have suffered them for many years, and I still have them in the back of my mind sometimes, but it’s okay. I have learned to live with them and manage them, and so can you. It is normal for people with depression to have these thoughts when they aren’t feeling particularly sad. And you’re young, your depression could be treated and you could never have to deal with it again.

But I think you need to find help, hon. Try talking with the counselor at your school, tell your parents you think you are suffering from clinical depression. To help them understand frind the criteria of depression on line, or a crisis level quiz, and show then what symptoms you suffer from. It’s hard for people to understand mental illness if they themselves do not suffer it— your parents don’t mean to dismiss you, they don’t understand. Help them understand socthey can start helping you, because you are their daughter and they want you to be okay and happy.

You are not weak and you are not a failure. High school is important, despite what people may tell you, and it is most certainly not more important than your life, your health, or your safety. Tests, classes, assignment... these are all made to help you grow as a person. So does it make sense to prioritize these sorts of things over your health? Not one bit.

So please take care, and please talk to someone in your life and if they won’t listen, should them the DSMV description of depression and tell them how many of the symptoms you have and how empty they make you feel.

A little tip: medication isn’t for everyone, therapy is. If you take medication, make sure a psychiatrist or psychiatric nurse practitioner prescribes it, General Practitioners don’t have the level of specialization needed I think. I am on medication and it makes all the difference, so it is wonderful to have but it is important you are careful about getting that sort of treatment. This is my opinion. And my opinion isn’t infallible.

Everything will be alright :) keep going and adapt, you can do it :)

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Re: I don't know what to do :(

Postby ImJohn » Wed Feb 14, 2018 10:58 am

Hello and welcome,

First of all congratulations on posting a well expressed, mature and honest account of your life at the moment; you're clearly literate and intelligent so take heart!

Olive is right; the most important thing right now is your health and the difficult task of trying to explain to those around you, especially your family, that you're suffering. Perhaps you could tell them that mentally depression is like having the flu all the time only a lot worse. They'll be able to relate to your being tired, listless and not really interested in anything then.

I know from personal experience that when you're in a depressed state nothing seems worthwhile and that life seems like an endless, ultimately fruitless, struggle. People tell you to cheer up, that things will get better and that your life really isn't that bad anyway. They're not much help but you smile and pretend to cheer up a bit for their sake rather than your own. What I'll say to you is that feeling as you do isn't wrong and nor does it make you a failure; you're suffering and that's not at all the same as failing or letting anybody down. But things will change; even if time does seem tick at "this it's petty pace", tick on it does and things do change.

Next a little about exams: There're not quite as important as you may think or your teachers will try to make you believe. I'm not saying they're nothing but they need to be put into perspective. As an example, again from personal experience, I didn't go to university until I was twenty eight years old at which point whether I'd been given a D or C in geography when I was sixteen was completely irrelevant. The important thing, ultimately, is what you learn from the whole of your life experience and who you are as a person. In this regard I think you're doing rather well so far; as I said you seem quite mature, intelligent and self aware.

Be kind and patient with yourself and once your depression has lifted a bit (it's up and down for all of us to some extent) perhaps you can consider what follows ...

1. Try dropping the video games for a while; let's face it they're for kids really.
2. Explore the world because looked at in the right way it's an endlessly fascinating, engaging and interesting place.
3. You don't have to go far (in a physical sense) to explore. Right now I'm exploring the world of Jane Austin even though I'm male and have two grow up sons!
4. Think about arranging a super summer holiday for yourself. The possibilities are endless even if you 'just' go camping it's an adventure.
5. Sixteen is a great age to be so ... I'm quoting but can't remember where from, "Break the embraces and dance while you can".

As Olive said, you can do it!

Be happy :D


PS If you post back I'll tell you where 'be happy' some from.

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Re: I don't know what to do :(

Postby Made4Match » Sun Feb 18, 2018 11:42 pm

Thank you so much for sharing your heart and some of your life with us! You are so mature and have an incredible way of putting your thoughts and feelings into words. Do you enjoy writing as a hobby? Writing can be so therapeutic and is a GREAT way to get your thoughts and feelings expressed. Your second year of high school is a hard year. You’re still new to high school and continuing to learn the ropes but then comes the added pressure of starting to study for the SATs and are encouraged to look at colleges. It feels like there is so much pressure to find success, but very little advice or guidance is given on how to do it.

There were a number of things that stood out to me within what you shared. First, you shared that you experience some social anxiety. I could imagine that would make participating in class and group discussions a challenge. Have you thought about sharing with your teachers that this is something you experience? Often times, once a teacher is made aware they will work with their students to help them find success. This could greatly help your grades and I could imagine help you feeling less pressure. The only thing is, teachers can’t help is they don’t know. Sharing that you have social anxiety does not make you weak. We were all designed differently. Some of us love to talk in large groups of people, while some prefer quieter settings. It’s just how we were created!

Have you thought about talking with a counselor? Sharing with anyone the things you’re experiencing can be so scary. But, after you’re shared what you’re experiencing, it feels so amazing to have someone else know the weight you’re carrying. Whether it be a counselor at your school, a pastor at church, or a private counselor in town, sharing what you’re experiencing can help in so many amazing ways. Counseling can help you discover that you’re not living life on your own and that you have a support system of others who want to help you.

I want you to know that you’re not alone in this. There may be times where you feel alone and that you have no purpose. But I want to share that you do. You matter to so many people and have such an incredible calling written on your heart and in your life. Sometimes it takes time to discover what that calling is. Sometimes you’re not going to have any energy or desire to continue moving forward, but even if you’re taking one small step a day, you’re still making progress. Have patience with yourself and know you’re doing the best you can right now.


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Re: I don't know what to do :(

Postby j2415 » Mon Feb 19, 2018 9:09 am

Hi- Thank you for sharing your life. I'm so sorry that you are having a hard time.
I hope you can check with your doctor, talk to him about your feelings and he can help you how to cope with it. You have many opportunities ahead of you.

I have a friend and his son was also depressed. Seeing her son sad most of the time was also hurting her. But now, thankfully with medical help and support group, he is now doing well. He is into swimming lessons and he also joins competition. I want to encourage you to seek professional help and also do things that you will enjoy. I hope things will do well for you and you will feel well soon.

I pray that you will overcome these feelings, you will have peace as you go through this journey and you will be happy again. Take care.

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