Am I living?

[TerriK]

I wake up each morning and it's the same thing. I feel nothing! I am not happy, I'm not sad I'm just
N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Is this living? I can't think of a single reason to crawl out of this bed (except to pee). So, I roll over, put the pillow over my head and avoid it all. Next day I do it all over again. I absolutely HATE that my family members (my mom and older sis) seem to think they must speak to me by phone each day. It is exhausting!! I don't want to talk. I don't want to pretend to be okay. I just want to do what I feel. NOTHING!!! This has gone on for 3+ years now. I make docs appointments and then can't even drag myself out of bed to go. Even my doctors fire me as a patient So imagine my thrill when long lost relatives show up! Oh, and I guess I have been elected to be chauffeur. See, I live in Honolulu, Hawaii. So explain to me how I am suppose to chauffeur 4 other people to all kinds of tourist sites for one week when I can't even get MYSELF out of bed? I am not doing well......

[Helloraspberries1]

Sorry to hear what your going through. I can't imagine what your everyday situation is like.

All I can say is that I have been there feeling nothing and want to give up on life. I know how bad it can get. I also never wanted to wake up or feel there was no real reason to wake up. Is this what your experiencing? It does sound like it is.

With work are you able to ring the company or send text and say you can't take on the job because your not well and it might take time untill you feel better again?

I know family and friends can be annoying at the worst of times asking you if your ok? Do you want to come out or I will come over and see you. It's not what you want but I know they don't know that. I'm not sure if your family know how you feel but if they do or don't just say you need space right as your going through a difficult time and that's it. You shouldn't have to say why or anything. They shouldn't try and pressure you more into talking to them. Its what you want and what you need.

Its difficult that you have no support but is there a chance you can go back to the doctors and see another doctor? I think knowing someone who's there and it not being a family member to judge you can make you feel better and less unworthy about yourself. That something you can do? Have you thought of counselling? Would that help?

Please keep reaching out on here and remember your not on your own.

Hugs

[TerriK]

Thanks for the hugs! My family drives me nuts! My little sister called my oldest son and told him she thought I was using drugs agai (I am 17 years clean), because all I wanted to do is sleep and had become agoraphobic. My son went nuts! He started accusing me of drug abuse and demanded I go rehab or he would cut me off emotionally. I'm not doing drugs so how can I do rehab? So.... he blocked my calls and my grandkids. My mom and older sister actually called my doc saying they were worried I was going to die. Got things all wild. I was furious. Nobody talked to me even once, how could they assume what was happening? Then my mom starts in on Billy Graham. I believe in God but Billy Graham was a form of punishment (we were made to sit and watch for hours as punishment) as a child and that started triggering me. Then mom started the lovey dovey tears and how she couldn't take my being like this. I snapped!! I told them all that I am NOT responsible for them. I cannot be expected to worry about taking care of their feelings when I am doing good to take care of my own. I told them they cannot cure me or even help me. What I needed most from them was acceptance. Accept I am struggling. Accept I am getting medical attention. Accept I am taking my meds. Accept this is who I am right now. Accept that there's no controlling me. Just listen when I want to talk and keep conversations short and non-commital. It helped. I told them to stop reading stories about bipolar people (Patty Duke) and trying to either diagnose and cure me and stop asking me to read the books. I told them that their pushing and interference was actually triggering me and that I would stay away if they did not stop. Things with my mom and sisters improved. They did not with my oldest son. There is one bright light that I am sooo thankful for. My youngest son Aaron was going to language school in Japan when I had a stroke in the middle of all this (I'm 59). He came home. We've always lived together. I tell him everything and when I've been suicidal I tell him immediately. He watches me without judgement and we've found ways to find humor in it. Like when I cook a meal (which has become difficult for me to do) we laugh and say mark the calendar. He makes sure I eat and that I am staying hydrated. No judgement, no lecture. He comes in and plops on my bed and talks with me for hours sometimes just like when he was a kid. He was supportive of ECT treatment and drove me to and from. When my family calls him because I didn't answer the phone he assures them to be patient and not to push! He is my champion. I would not be here if it weren't for him. I would never betray his trust and harm myself. We have an agreement.

I have good days where I cook, clean, do organization in the house and even sing and play my ukulele. Others... I may be under the covers for 32+ hours. Not sure why, just don't feel anything. I don't work anymore. My doctors and social security decided I could not bad here to any type of commitment, schedule or regular interaction with others or stress. So I am on social security now and I do feel a sense of relief. No more pretending I am perfect. My meds have been changed, increased, etc. several times. I think my doc tries really hard. I am patient with this Disorder, myself and the meds. While life isn't perfect, it's better by far than 3 years ago. I can smile now sometimes. Life is what it is. I'll get through it!

[Helloraspberries1]

You are able to still talk to your mum and sister then? I can understand from all the above you said about wanting to be alone and them not leaving you alone.

They do sound like they are trying to be supportive. I think it's a case that they don't wanna see you alone or upset with how you feeling and they are just trying to offer you help.

Are you still able get some help? Have you thought trying counselling again? Not seeing the doctor but getting in touch with someone. Do you have any organisations around you? I think you might feel better still having someone to talk to.

Also you said you have days when you do things around the house and keep busy. That's good to know. That shows your still keeping yourself busy no matter what and that does help in the long run. Are you able to go out anymore? If you feel like your having a bad day can you go for a walk or go to your nearest coffee shop and sit down? I know it's helped me when I've been feeling down that getting makes me feel better and you feel less alone.

I'm glad to you hear your son is very supportive. That's so nice. He sounds like a really nice guy. Also knowing he knows what your going through is also good too. Have you spoken to him about the future? Your worried your gonna be on your own? Has he given you any advice or support?

I think no matter what happens he will still always care. Its easy to say but it's true. Hopefully you can start building a good relationship again with your mum and sister. Maybe having that time apart from son might do you good.

I know it gets lonely being at home with no one around but there is always someone you can talk to. It might be early days however joining social groups online like this can really help with your confidence and self esteem. Interacting with others whether that's in your local area or nationally you can then make new friends and build friendships. It maybe too early for this but have you thought about dating again? That's an suggestion. Meeting someone is maybe what you need.

I hope things start getting better. Please remember you can talk here anytime.

Hugs x