I'm tired of this feeling

[Namelesscam]

Hi everyone, I'm new to this world and this is my first post. I decided to join this forum because I have no one to truly talk to, I'm tired of carrying this burden on my shoulders and I really need to let it all out.

I'm a 17-year-old girl from Italy and I've been struggling with depression and social anxiety for almost a year and a half; I haven't talked about this with anyone, not even my family.. I love my parents and siblings and we've got a quite good relationship but I just grew up hiding all my feelings, I've never told them about problems at school or with friends so I just don't feel like talking to them about what I'm going through right now. Furthermore, they wouldn't believe/understand me and they would say it's just a phase and that I'm overreacting. But it's not true. I feel deeply sad.. that kind of sadness that won't just go away. It's permanent, carving deep down in my bones.

I guess it all begun when I started to attend high school. I was in a class with new, unknown people and I didn't like even a single one of them because they were all superficial, snob and they excluded me since the first day(Here in Italy you attend the same class with the same people for 5 years). I bonded with two/three people but after Freshmen year they changed schools. I was feeling inappropriate and out of place but luckily I still got my best friend from kindergarten to cheer me up.

In summer 2015 I was having a lot of fun with her and thinking that that was the best time of my life, I finally felt truly happy after a long time. I couldn't even imagine what was about to happen. I was at a party with my best friend and we met a really cute and charming guy; since I've always been very impressionable I fell for him in an instant(clap clap ). Days after I had told my bf about the fact, she told me she was falling for him too even though she was dating another guy. Long story short, that party-guy never actually liked neither me nor my bf, nonetheless she chose him instead of me and 13 years of friendship went down the toilet.

From then on I started to spiral down to depression. My whole world vision became black, my life was black, even my clothes were black. I used to often cry myself to sleep, I stopped smiling and making jokes with my two closest classmates, I found comfort in sad, meaningful songs that often lead me to tears. It started to get better when, unexpectedly, I met a guy on the bus. My feelings for him warmed my soul and I felt a mixture of happiness and excitement for the first time after many months, even though he probably didn't correspond.

When I thought I could finally get better and heal from all the pain I duly went back to my steps to just fall down in darkness again. It still happens today, and I don't know what to do anymore. Some days I'm okay, I feel strong and hopeful but then the next day or even just later in the same day I feel pain exploding inside my chest. I can barely breathe, my heart starts racing and I feel as if something heavy is weighing on my chest; it's horrible and the worst part of it is that I feel this weight constantly. Even when I don't notice, it's there. This leads me to strong mental breakdowns where I burst into tears and I just can't stop.

I started to self harm to distract myself from that pain because sometimes it is just unbearable, and even if it's just for a little time, I don't feel anything. I don't want to feel anything. I just want to disappear. I feel useless; I've made far more mistakes than right things in my life, I can't get anything done.. I'm probably a disappointment for my parents. And last but not least, I don't feel good with my body. I have neither self confidence nor self esteem, I feel ugly and I don't think I'll ever find someone who loves me the way I need to be loved.. I'm just trash.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of this situation, I truly want to feel better and be happy but I just can't.
Sorry if I wrote so much but I really needed to confide my feelings to someone, even if maybe nobody's gonna read it.

[encouragingsoul916]

Hi Nameless!
Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your thoughts and story. I’m confident you will find supportive individuals here that will listen and can relate to your feelings, at least on some level. And you should never feel the need to apologize for writing too much – that is what this forum is for. You can dump whatever you’re feeling into a safe space where you will not be judged or humiliated! This is exactly why this forum exists, to help you by offering a space to get it all out and then hopefully find some individuals that can relate and encourage you.
You’re not alone in your feelings – we all feel down at certain points in our lives, especially when we feel isolated from anyone who seems to care or understand. The good news is you want to feel better and happy – that’s a good sign, even if you don’t feel like you can overcome the fact that you’ve got some fight in you is a good sign!
Also – losing a friend can be devastating… sounds like a loss of that friendship could be at the root of what you’re feeling. Also, being 17 can be a challenging time – you’re stuck in that phase where you’re trying to figure out what and who you wanna become; it’s maddening sometimes! The good news is that it only gets better from here. As you grow and form new friendships and bonds, you refine who you are and adapt. It’s like woodworking – you have to sand down some rough edges to see the beauty of the what is being created. Right now, it sounds like you’re in that sanding down phase – it’s not really fun and it’s hard to see what the final product will be but trust me it’s gonna be incredible!
Also, family can be a place of strength. Although they might not understand the depth of your feelings, I’m sure they care about your well-being. If you have healthcare, I would definitely recommend seeking some advice on anxiety-related disorders. There is a lot of help out there and finding the right help can make a world of difference for you.
I’m sorry for this stuff that you’re carrying inside but I’m glad you were able to share some of it here. Remember – you are not trash… not even close. And you will find that people do care and can relate… hang in there. When you feel your heart starting to race and you those hopeless feelings start rushing in… try to find a center. I dealt with anxiety a lot but luckily for me it wasn’t a disorder as much as situational. What helped me was finding a happy memory or thought that I could focus on – it didn’t relieve the situation entirely but it did help reduce the magnitude of the anxiety attack.
I hope I was able to encourage you and I wish you the best of luck! If you ever need to chat please feel free to continue to post in here and / or reach out!
Sincerely,
Encouraging

[ree]

hope you're okay..