Introduction

[Broken Skye]

Hello,
I have been dealing with anxiety and depression since I was a kid and have been to multiple doctors, therapists, and taken many different kinds of medication but nothing ever seems to help. I came to this site tonight because I am alone and on the edge. I've been working hard trying to eat healthier, exercise, and better myself but the result is always the same. Thoughts of suicide are my constant companions. I have no one to talk to about it. I have been to the hospital on numerous occasions for breakdowns and don't want to ever go there again so I keep it a secret. I'm at a point in life where things are so messed up and I am tired of trying to fix or live with them. Ending it is starting to seem like the best option. I'm tired of feeling lonely, sick, and afraid. The closest one to me is my 16 yr old cat and she has cancer. I don't want to go through losing her that way. All I do is lose. There isn't anything to look forward to. I have no friends so I try to reach out and make friends online but it never works. I feel kinda stupid for writing this. I guess I just wanted to say how I felt to someone because I can't say it to anyone.

[100footpole]

I am so sorry that your cat may pass.

To own a 16 year old cat is a sign of a good person in my mind.

Please read this thread: JonDragonsEyes

You are not alone. Please let us know what you've learned.

[100footpole]

I'm not sure why the link didn't work.

The thread is in Depression Forums Forum Index->Your Story->I'm dying and no one cares. This thread has given me a lot of hope over the past year and a half. I hope that Star inspires you too.

[ajaysutton]

I'm really sorry to read your post. I think most of us have been there at one point in time or another. Seems like you've been dealing with this a lot longer than many. I'm a cat person too, and having a sick cat on top of the hopelessness really can seem like to much to bear. I'm glad you reached out on line, and that others and I have answered tells you you've got someone to talk to. I don't know that I have anything special to offer except a willing ear. I certainly don't have any special knowledge or wisdom to share, and my rough times don't seem to be nearly like anything you've struggled with.

You say you're at a point where things are so messed up... Are you able to talk about that or explain what that means? I'd love the opportunity to talk through some of it with you. Again, not because I have anything special to share, but because you care enough to reach out...

[Broken Skye]

I am so sorry that your cat may pass.

To own a 16 year old cat is a sign of a good person in my mind.

Please read this thread: JonDragonsEyes

You are not alone. Please let us know what you've learned.

Thank you for reading my post and your kind words. It really means a lot to me. Some people may think its silly but I threw my cat a little sweet 16 party for her birthday this year. It has been one year since her diagnosis and she was going to have another surgery so I wanted to celebrate her milestone in a special way. She has all the yarn Yoshi Amiibos and I made them little party hats out of construction paper. I went to the party store and got her a pink ribbon that had sweet 16 on it, and little plates and napkins for her treats. I took lots of pics. I just wanted her to feel all the love she has given me over the years.

[Broken Skye]

I'm not sure why the link didn't work.

The thread is in Depression Forums Forum Index->Your Story->I'm dying and no one cares. This thread has given me a lot of hope over the past year and a half. I hope that Star inspires you too.

Thank you for leading me to this. It was such a beautifully written post. There are many things the author said that I could identify with. I especially like the quotes from Rocky at the end. Those movies are very inspirational to me. I woke up today and didn't want to open my eyes. I felt so tired from crying and not being able to sleep that I didn't get out of bed for a long time. I just sat there watching music videos crying and feeling hopeless. Then I saw a clip from The Ellen Show on Youtube with Ronda Rousey. She was talking about her loss and how she felt that her life was over. She didn't want to live if she wasn't going to fight again. She said something that really impacted me. Even though she lost the fight, in her mind she is still undefeated because she isn't giving up and will fight again. I was so surprised to see that anyone had replied to my post. It is nice to know that someone took the time to read the thoughts I had and cared enough to reply. Thank you again.

[Broken Skye]

I'm really sorry to read your post. I think most of us have been there at one point in time or another. Seems like you've been dealing with this a lot longer than many. I'm a cat person too, and having a sick cat on top of the hopelessness really can seem like to much to bear. I'm glad you reached out on line, and that others and I have answered tells you you've got someone to talk to. I don't know that I have anything special to offer except a willing ear. I certainly don't have any special knowledge or wisdom to share, and my rough times don't seem to be nearly like anything you've struggled with.

You say you're at a point where things are so messed up... Are you able to talk about that or explain what that means? I'd love the opportunity to talk through some of it with you. Again, not because I have anything special to share, but because you care enough to reach out...

Having someone to talk to means everything to me. I really don't know where to start and am also kind of embarrassed about how I have made so many bad choices that have led me to where I am. I guess I'll start with my relationships. I have never been good at making or keeping friends. Its been over 15 years since I've had any friends. Wow, I can't believe its been that long. I guess I didn't want to think about it. Because of that I have always wanted to have a boyfriend who was my best friend. I was afraid of ending up old and alone. But here I am, 2 bad relationships in 15 years. There are almost identical.

I am still in a relationship but it is very unhealthy. I haven't got the money to leave, and I've been afraid to, but I have finally made the decision to move. Its hard, I don't like being the one who hurts someone, but I know its the best for both of us. I am not healthy enough to be in a relationship, no matter how bad I want to be. I never took the time to work on myself. I always thought if I loved and gave enough things will work out, but it has just left me even more broken and empty. I have also been having a lot of health issues that make even day to day tasks seem impossible. I try to take things a day a time but my head just swirls with thoughts and my body is weak, but knowing someone cared enough to offer a sympathetic ears makes me feel better. Thank you.

[100footpole]

Broken Skye,

I love the story of the sweet sixteen party you threw for your cat. Send Star a message, or post on her thread, she is an inspiration.

Last summer I started posting less here and writing more in my journal. That seemed to work well for me over the summer, but then everything fell apart for me.

I think I could label myself as having high functioning Aspergers. That means that I empathize with logic rather than emotions. But, I think that the idea "You are not alone" does not presume why you are here.

I think of relationships as being like alcohol. They are good in moderation, and are great when you experience intimacy, but I think it is hard for humans to not get tied up with issues of control. That is why animals can be so great, they are so genuine. They provide relationships with no hangover ... no demands.

Are there services you can access to help you through your hard times? I think that it is good that there are people who decide to work to do good, but I think that they are trained to keep a professional distance, for their own good. For me this is a place where I can be myself without worrying that someone will come back and make demands on me. This is a place where we are essentially pen pals. You can get lots of moral support, you can get ideas and suggestions, but in the end you have to engage with your environment too.

It sounds like you have a handle on all that, I just wanted to be explicit about how I view these forums.

(((Hugs))) and Best Wishes *****

[ajaysutton]

Day by day is the best we can do sometimes. And you know what? That's okay! I've found often times, my best laid plans have failed to come to fruition. One thing that's helped me although it's taken me years to get to this point and I still don't do it all that well, is to try and live life with as few expectations as possible. For some reason, things seem a bit more miraculous to me when I do that. The blessings seem like more of a blessing. And when things go wrong, it's not as upsetting to me as it once was.

I think day by day is a good thing for you to do at this point. I'll pray you're able to continue to do that for the time being, and just focus on what's in front of you, not looking at the stuff that is behind you.

[Cinderella]

BrokenSkye: I am truly saddened to know you feel the way you do. As someone who has suffered from severe depression since childhood, and has made a serious attempt at suicide and been hospitalized, I can honestly say I feel your pain. I'm sorry I can't offer you any solutions, but I can be a very good listener. Sometimes we all just need someone to vent to that won't be judgmental. What I can tell you, from experience, is that I didn't know how much I wanted to live until I felt myself dying. If you ever need to chat, please just let me know. But if you ever feel you are truly in crisis, call 911 immediately. There's no shame in reaching out for help <3