Hello. I'm new!

[Hamza1991]

Hello I'm new here.

I have decided to join this forum after using the chat room. It was difficult to navigate through all that text on the chat room.

I am a 24 year old man from the UK who is Muslim, ethnically Pakistani and gay. I work as a kitchen assistant. I suspect I suffer from several medical conditions. I came here so I can iron out my thought. I hope you can help me. I will try to keep this short.

As a child I was considered slow, shy and overweight. I was artistic and creative but I felt this was never valued. I had no friends and was bullied by my peers. Teachers bullied me for being slow. I was alone most of the time playing computer games. I suspect I was sexually assaulted twice as a child but the memories are vague. I also had a few episodes where I abused a pet out of curiosity. I used to cry for no reasons as a kid.

As a teenager I found out I was gay and bullied constantly at secondary school. Everyday I was called names and people spread rumours about me. I felt alone. I developed anxiety and depression. Same situation occurred at college, I was bullied so I left college to find work. At home I was bullied by my siblings/relative. My family rarely socialised with me which resulted in me being not fluent in my native language.

I found a job with good prospects but left due to being slow and having difficulty communicating. People at work gossiped about how strange I was. I felt alone, sad, worried and sick. Again I had few episodes of abusing a new pet. I gave it away when I came to my senses. I know keep to myself.

Throughout my life I showed signs of OCD, being anxious/paranoid and sad. I also lie too much in certain situations. I am extremely manipulative. I am overweight, unhealthy and unpredictable. I am depressed about this I think.

After two years leaving my first job, I got a new one as a kitchen assistant. I want to keep this job but my mood/feeling is all over the place. I don't want to see a doctor. I can do this by myself but I need someone to give me some direction.

EDIT: There is more to this but I am afraid to go into detail.

[nenkohai2]

Greetings Hamza,

Welcome here. You mention that you can do this yourself but need some direction... but also don't want to see a doctor. My friend, a mental health professional will help you with the direction you seek. Unless you are a threat to yourself or others, a mental health care professional can not "make" you do anything, including take meds.

I think people often assume professionals try to "force fit" patients into certain molds, if you will. In my experience, docs and counselors have helped me address HOW I think and assist in a process of "re-wiring" my brain through lots and lots of my own work. Yes, YOU put in all the effort and the professional is more of a coach (highly simplified, I guess, but accurate for me).

Please don't discount the idea of seeing a professional.

I hope your day is a good one.

n.

[Hamza1991]

Well I have my reasons for not seeing a doctor. I'm not really a danger to anyone else.

As for guidance I just wanted some information. I have managed to cope and deal with anxiety all by myself. No one really helped me here except the Internet.

What I would like to know is how to maintain a consistent mood. That would be nice.

[specter]

Not much to say. Welcome to the forums. Happy posting. *thumbs up*

[100footpole]

Hamza,

There are two parts of depression: the chemical and the cognitive. The cognitive part has a feedback loop with your circumstances, the chemical part deals with how your mind interprets and reacts to your circumstances.

When you said "You are not a danger to yourself or others" it sounds like you have some experience with the social aspects of getting help. I'm not sure if that experience is part of why you don't want to try to get help again.

It sounds like you have a lot of potential to be a successful person:

Throughout my life I showed signs of OCD, being anxious/paranoid and sad. I also lie too much in certain situations. I am extremely manipulative. I am overweight, unhealthy and unpredictable.

You sir, sound like you have the makings of a great computer programmer. Have you looked into teaching yourself how to do things with a computer ... to give it instructions? A restaurant can be a very judgmental and treacherous place. Keep up the good work in the kitchen, but be aware that people are harder to read than instructions.

Good luck to you[/quote]

[Hamza1991]

When you said "You are not a danger to yourself or others" it sounds like you have some experience with the social aspects of getting help. I'm not sure if that experience is part of why you don't want to try to get help again.

Hello! Thank you for taking time to respond to my post.

The entire process was slow and it did not address the core issues. First the doctor prescribed me Citalopram at 40mg because he concluded I suffered from depression and anxiety. He referred me to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist then referred me to a counsellor. The counsellor monitored my mood and the effects of the medication. I stopped taking the medication and the counselling sessions were over after several months.

There are issues that I will not talk about because people are quick to judge and jump to conclusions. So this is one reason why I am not going to seek professional help. Another reason is that the whole process was slow and difficult. I was not getting anywhere. I just purely focused on combating anxiety and it has worked to a certain extent. I really wanted my doctor to find out if I have learning difficulties/disabilities because I cannot at times process certain verbal/mathematical information but this was ignored. It was ignored because upon first impressions many would assume I am not slow or something along those lines. I suspect it was not taken seriously.

You sir, sound like you have the makings of a great computer programmer. Have you looked into teaching yourself how to do things with a computer ... to give it instructions? A restaurant can be a very judgmental and treacherous place. Keep up the good work in the kitchen, but be aware that people are harder to read than instructions.

Good luck to you

I don't know. I am bad with mathematics and anything to do with logic. I'm terrible at chess for example. Because I have had so much difficulty understanding other people. I have always taught myself. At the age of 7 I taught myself how to add...after teachers gave up on me.

I think I could teach myself compute programming provided it is outside the academic/work environment. I just need a book. Probably a little of advice here and there, nothing serious. I have always been good at teaching myself anything if I put my mind to it. It is very odd.

I just a bunch of information and that's it. I remember passing all my law exams simply by relying on the books. I did not require help from the tutor.

The main focus right now is to maintain a consistent mood. The kitchen environment does not bother me that much luckily. I would find it hard to work in an environment where I am constantly communicating because I'm slow.

[100footpole]

Citalopram is an SSRI ... I started taking an SSRI for depression in the eighties and it worked, but I was still a very heavy smoker.

When I tried to quit smoking my Dr. helped me with a prescription of Buspar. I am still a smoker, but much, much less than I used to be.

There is a class of anti-anxiety drugs: benzodiazepines that are effective, but also very addictive. What I've read about Buspar is that it is relatively non-addictive.

I recommend that you go online and read about anxiety symptoms and treatments to see if you can find one that is sustainable and makes sense to you. I say sustainable because I don't think benzodiazepines are sustainable, but might be necessary if you are having panic attacks, in which case therapy would help you figure out what was causing you to panic.

There are different kinds of computer programmers. You need a lot of math for some kinds, but other types are more about encoding rules. If you think you know a way to make your restaurant more efficient by changing how the staff lets you know about orders, or when to pick them up, than you would be a good computer programmer.

It doesn't sound like this:

The counsellor monitored my mood and the effects of the medication. I stopped taking the medication and the counselling sessions were over after several months.

was a very good counselor. The counselor is supposed to help you change the way you see things, or maybe help you explore different ways to communicate and act. Ideally the counselor's goal should be to get you off the meds ... although it is easy for me to say, since I've kept the meds, but got rid of the counselors .

I hope you are happy at your restaurant ... I could see that happening at a family run place. My son works as a waiter and tends to move to different venues depending on fashion. He and his friends treat the business a lot like going to a factory. I think it's a great way to follow your passions, but it is not a career I would pick for myself.

[Hamza1991]

I might look into computer programming. I won't do a degree in it but it sounds like a useful hobby.

I actually work at a hostel for asylum seekers. They have a canteen service. Whilst it is not as stressful when compared to top restaurants, the work can be difficult.

I can be manipulative but not in a sense of giving orders. I can fake emotions. I can lie with a straight face. Laugh. I can even cry on demand with real tears. It is very strange because I feel like I'm manipulating myself. I actually believe the emotions I am faking.

It is like a doctor jekyll and mr hyde personality. I want a more consistent personality. I don't want to swing from being nice and polite to very angry and sadistic. It drains a lot of energy.

[100footpole]

Hamza,

You seem to get a lot of things. Literacy used to mean reading, writing, and 'rithmatic. These were skills you used to need in order to get a job that didn't involve the long end of a shovel. Computer literacy requires these skills and new skills ... I think the new term is "critical thinking" .

You sound like a very intelligent person. One thing about building "critical thinking" skills is you can share your insights with other people.

You are right that when you

I can fake emotions. I can lie with a straight face. Laugh. I can even cry on demand with real tears.

It becomes very hard for people to trust you after they have been deceived. On the other hand, those are skills that actors, salesmen, teachers, and therapists all need. They help you build a connection with people.

An honest connection is so much more rewarding than a fake one. If you are the faker than your needs won't be met because you need to express them through a lie. I guess the more subtle the lie, the longer you can continue the relationship, but in my experience no relationship lasts without honesty.

I work very hard at trying to remain genuine, and this means that I end up being the one disappointed and hurt. Experience has shown that this is better than disappointing or hurting others. To me that feels like "groundhog day" where you keep repeating the same routine day after day, feeling more lonely and despairing each time you need to start over.

Remember it is what you do next that matters. You cannot prevent what you have already done, and where you are in space and time is a given. The only thing you can control is what you do next, and what is easy is rarely what is best if you are not happy now.