Can't related to anyone because I have no Interests
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Can't related to anyone because I have no Interests
This is kind of embarrassing but I feel like I can't really connect with anyone because I never have enough of anything I feel prepared or comfortable enough to talk about. I just have a hard time really getting interested in much of anything really. I'd like to have more interests and develop myself more but most of the time I just don't. Like I don't like sports or play video games or watch TV shows or movies much and the main reason for that I guess is poor attention span and not being able to keep my mind on things. I find it hard to really explain what I spend time doing other than mucking around on the internet, being depressed, and letting time pass. I sort of like reading but I still struggle to get myself to do it outside of school. I used to think I was into writing stories but I can never motivate myself to write anything. I'd like to try acting but I don't know how I'd do that. I like to run sometimes. I like music alot, especially hard rock or metal concerts, but I don't know enough about music or different bands to really engage in conversation with people who are into that, mainly because I also go through long periods where I don't really care about music. I have no real significant knowledge about anything. I graduated college but don't really feel qualified to enter the real world and don't have most of the experiences other people my age do. I haven't even been able to find a long term job yet. I just wish I was more developed as person or that I liked or was interested in more things so that I could relate to people and have meaningful conversations. I hate not having interests or not being passionate about anything but I'm not really sure how to fix that. I dislike feeling like I have perpetually nothing to say or contribute to anyone and not wanting to talk to anyone because I'm convinced they will probably judge me for being a nothing. It's like I want to like and be passionate about things but anything that requires conscious attention or careful thought just feels like a drag and too much work. I think I am an idiot and my brain doesn't work well and that I'm incapable of normal human interaction. I want to read more and listen to more good music I like but I struggle to commit myself to these things even though I supposedly enjoy them. I just want to enjoy things and feel less like a vacant apathetic drone. And basically any topic of conversation possible reminds me of how pathetically undeveloped I am as a person and makes me feel inadequate or bad about myself that I can't contribute anything that's not senseless incoherent babbling of an idiotic fool. I just want to feel like a real person and feel interesting and have a rewarding life and feel intelligent and able to hold a conversation. Right now I feel like a ghost of a real person and all I can do is avoid people in shame. How does one go about becoming a better person and developing themselves at such a late stage of life? I'm not old but I feel like I've wasted most of my youth when I could have been developing myself and that I lack the experience and have become disconnected and unable to relate to people my age. I really would like to be better friends with someone if I ever felt able to contribute enough to the friendship conversing.
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zombiemeth
- Posts: 13
- Joined: Mon Aug 11, 2014 9:21 am
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NickStokes
- Posts: 53
- Joined: Tue Dec 22, 2015 8:25 am
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anxiousforumuser
- Posts: 3
- Joined: Sun Jan 10, 2016 4:46 pm
similar issue, hope this helps?
I sympathise with you, as I have a similar issue which contributes to my depression.
Society, facebook memes, other sources of "inspiration" on the internet and those who care about us tend to tell us a lot about what "friendship" is and it usually comes down to being told nonspecific things such as "friends are people who are there for you when noone else is" and "friends don't judge you" and all these idealised personal qualities which we value others and their places in our lives on.
I learned a lot about friendship when I went to University - and I don't mean that I came out with loads of lifelong friends and saw "who was really there for me" - in fact the opposite kinda happened. My friends back home show a huge amount of commitment to each other. We all go through difficult times and suffer with depression and/or anxiety in various ways (some of us more than others). In my family we have SO MANY ISSUES (which contribute to my depression) and THAT is our topic of conversation. When I talk to my friends, they talk about their issues, I talk about mine. We might occasionally talk about a series we are watching on telly, but really the conversation revolves around the emotional difficulties we face because we are in a deprived area with prevalent abuse, homelessness, poverty and mental health issues.
When I went to University I found that people did not stick to these values that my friends had - in fact, I had real difficulty making and keeping friends and I wasn't sure why. I was kind, I was intelligent, I was there for people. And yet I found others who I didn't feel were particularly nice people were keeping all the friends and I was unable to connect with people. I didn't know what was happening or why, but I realise now.
My boyfriend has a BEST FRIEND he met at Uni and I would say they are definetely bromancing, yet.. they never seem to talk about anything but football and films. When I was feeling left out of the conversations with my friends at Uni, it wasn't because I wasn't the kind of person people wanted to connect with, it was because I didn't share their interests. They loved Pokemon and gaming was never something I was brought up with (mum told me it was for boys because she couldn't afford to buy games for me and my sister for Christmas). They loved Dr Who yet I never found the time to catch up with it and I felt so far behind I couldn't motivate myself to care.
The sad truth is people don't pick their friends based on how nice they are, they pick them because they share interests. I often feel like a faliure because I don't like Star Wars and I never read Harry Potter because these things never seemed as important as the things that have caused or worsened depression through your lifetime. When you are depressed or overwhelmed it is so easy to miss out on cultural experiences because they take a backseat when you're struggling. When I realised this I felt similarly to you - that I couldn't maintain social connections because I had such a lack of interest in things.
I think this is where we need to take a step back from our problems and put ourselves in the shoes of others. It is as difficult for us to imagine not having depression as it is for those without it to imagine having it. Those without it can't understand WHY we can't get "into" things, and once you start to feel culturally behind it piles up on you and you feel like you'll never have a "normal" life because you don't care about things, and your feelings are so overwhelming they continue to take centre stage.
But you have to try. This doesn't mean stream all the Star Wars films and scour the internet in search of anything that will make you look "into it" - it means take note of things happening around you. What series' have they announced is coming on tv soon? Do you think you'll like it? You don't think you like writing any more? look outside if yourself! Do you like reading? What's a hot new book from an author you've always liked? Did you like that song you heard on the radio? This all feels so shallow, doesn't it? but it isn't.
It isn't just people with depression who are shy and perhaps untrusting. Sometimes it's hard to have a deep conversation with someone you barely know, so people will try and build connections from meaningless or trivial things. They talk about cultural things as a way of extending a hand of friendship and there's no shame in saying "no I don't know that book/film/series, tell me about it". Over time bonds grow and you can begin to talk about your probelms. I'm sorry if this sounds patronising but I wish someone had been able to explain this to me. When you're faced with a load of people who care about things more than you the best thing you can do for yourself and others is try and engage with it and forget yourself. Immerse yourself in a fictional world, and let people guide you. It may be a scary thought as you feel unprepared and uncool but people will be more than happy to bring you up to speed, and allowing this to happen will in turn take your mind off your depression. I can't explain how excited a guy I was friends with was when I watched a Pokemon movie with him and asked questions and began to fill in the gaps. To him, this was the deep stuff that friendship was made of.
I think we just have to accept that even though our feelings of depression are indescribable, there's a world out there which we are always welcome in, and once we forge those connections, we have people who are there for us because they know we care about the things that matter to them. I hope this reply is helpful. It's certainly helped me to be able to put this into words! We just have to try, and it can be as simple as asking someone to tell you about something they like.
Society, facebook memes, other sources of "inspiration" on the internet and those who care about us tend to tell us a lot about what "friendship" is and it usually comes down to being told nonspecific things such as "friends are people who are there for you when noone else is" and "friends don't judge you" and all these idealised personal qualities which we value others and their places in our lives on.
I learned a lot about friendship when I went to University - and I don't mean that I came out with loads of lifelong friends and saw "who was really there for me" - in fact the opposite kinda happened. My friends back home show a huge amount of commitment to each other. We all go through difficult times and suffer with depression and/or anxiety in various ways (some of us more than others). In my family we have SO MANY ISSUES (which contribute to my depression) and THAT is our topic of conversation. When I talk to my friends, they talk about their issues, I talk about mine. We might occasionally talk about a series we are watching on telly, but really the conversation revolves around the emotional difficulties we face because we are in a deprived area with prevalent abuse, homelessness, poverty and mental health issues.
When I went to University I found that people did not stick to these values that my friends had - in fact, I had real difficulty making and keeping friends and I wasn't sure why. I was kind, I was intelligent, I was there for people. And yet I found others who I didn't feel were particularly nice people were keeping all the friends and I was unable to connect with people. I didn't know what was happening or why, but I realise now.
My boyfriend has a BEST FRIEND he met at Uni and I would say they are definetely bromancing, yet.. they never seem to talk about anything but football and films. When I was feeling left out of the conversations with my friends at Uni, it wasn't because I wasn't the kind of person people wanted to connect with, it was because I didn't share their interests. They loved Pokemon and gaming was never something I was brought up with (mum told me it was for boys because she couldn't afford to buy games for me and my sister for Christmas). They loved Dr Who yet I never found the time to catch up with it and I felt so far behind I couldn't motivate myself to care.
The sad truth is people don't pick their friends based on how nice they are, they pick them because they share interests. I often feel like a faliure because I don't like Star Wars and I never read Harry Potter because these things never seemed as important as the things that have caused or worsened depression through your lifetime. When you are depressed or overwhelmed it is so easy to miss out on cultural experiences because they take a backseat when you're struggling. When I realised this I felt similarly to you - that I couldn't maintain social connections because I had such a lack of interest in things.
I think this is where we need to take a step back from our problems and put ourselves in the shoes of others. It is as difficult for us to imagine not having depression as it is for those without it to imagine having it. Those without it can't understand WHY we can't get "into" things, and once you start to feel culturally behind it piles up on you and you feel like you'll never have a "normal" life because you don't care about things, and your feelings are so overwhelming they continue to take centre stage.
But you have to try. This doesn't mean stream all the Star Wars films and scour the internet in search of anything that will make you look "into it" - it means take note of things happening around you. What series' have they announced is coming on tv soon? Do you think you'll like it? You don't think you like writing any more? look outside if yourself! Do you like reading? What's a hot new book from an author you've always liked? Did you like that song you heard on the radio? This all feels so shallow, doesn't it? but it isn't.
It isn't just people with depression who are shy and perhaps untrusting. Sometimes it's hard to have a deep conversation with someone you barely know, so people will try and build connections from meaningless or trivial things. They talk about cultural things as a way of extending a hand of friendship and there's no shame in saying "no I don't know that book/film/series, tell me about it". Over time bonds grow and you can begin to talk about your probelms. I'm sorry if this sounds patronising but I wish someone had been able to explain this to me. When you're faced with a load of people who care about things more than you the best thing you can do for yourself and others is try and engage with it and forget yourself. Immerse yourself in a fictional world, and let people guide you. It may be a scary thought as you feel unprepared and uncool but people will be more than happy to bring you up to speed, and allowing this to happen will in turn take your mind off your depression. I can't explain how excited a guy I was friends with was when I watched a Pokemon movie with him and asked questions and began to fill in the gaps. To him, this was the deep stuff that friendship was made of.
I think we just have to accept that even though our feelings of depression are indescribable, there's a world out there which we are always welcome in, and once we forge those connections, we have people who are there for us because they know we care about the things that matter to them. I hope this reply is helpful. It's certainly helped me to be able to put this into words! We just have to try, and it can be as simple as asking someone to tell you about something they like.
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100footpole
- Posts: 477
- Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm
Thanks anxiousforumuser,
Your words:
Are inclusive. I hate posts that say keep trying without any acknowledgement that WE ARE DIFFERENT. Good advice can't be normative, there needs to be a reason.
There is the concept of "framing". If you can find something you like about something other people like ... share it ... even if you think it is weird. Friendship comes when people appreciate your point of view. I have been really depressed for a month and a half now, but I have been writing "old acquaintances" and sharing things that I think we used to be interested in. They have seemed enthusiastic, and I think its working.
Your words:
I think this is where we need to take a step back from our problems and put ourselves in the shoes of others. It is as difficult for us to imagine not having depression as it is for those without it to imagine having it. Those without it can't understand WHY we can't get "into" things, and once you start to feel culturally behind it piles up on you and you feel like you'll never have a "normal" life because you don't care about things, and your feelings are so overwhelming they continue to take centre stage.
But you have to try.
Are inclusive. I hate posts that say keep trying without any acknowledgement that WE ARE DIFFERENT. Good advice can't be normative, there needs to be a reason.
There is the concept of "framing". If you can find something you like about something other people like ... share it ... even if you think it is weird. Friendship comes when people appreciate your point of view. I have been really depressed for a month and a half now, but I have been writing "old acquaintances" and sharing things that I think we used to be interested in. They have seemed enthusiastic, and I think its working.
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anxiousforumuser
- Posts: 3
- Joined: Sun Jan 10, 2016 4:46 pm
I am glad my comment has been taken the right way 100footpole, thank you. I didn't know there was a word for it but I will look more into "framing". Good luck catching up with old acquaintences, often it's nice to talk to people who knew you a long time ago because they can remind you of things you used to take enjoyment in that may have slipped out of your life.
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100footpole
- Posts: 477
- Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm
Framing refers to our personal frames of reference.
Here is an article on the idea of framing for the social sciences and framing from psychology. Framing creates cognitive biases. Here is a great list of cognitive biases.
Interestingly enough the criticism section on cognitive biases states:
In other words, you may observe my rational thinking as a cognitive bias, and there is no falsifiable way to define "human nature".
The criticism part of wikipedia article on CBT states
I have been a big fan of CBT ... although I am coming out of another period of negative thought patterns. I like this point of view because it allows me to rationalize depression as a feeling rather than a reality, and then deal with the triggers for the feeling. So, depending on your bias toward the actual results of therapy, you can look at "framing" as a way of personalizing strategies to deal with your circumstances, or as a way to put a band aid on a wound that could take tens of thousands of dollars and years to heal ...
A problem with this site is that after we get well we are not as motivated to keep posting. I am interested in your thoughts about what works for getting better.
Here is an article on the idea of framing for the social sciences and framing from psychology. Framing creates cognitive biases. Here is a great list of cognitive biases.
Interestingly enough the criticism section on cognitive biases states:
... both sides in a debate often claim each other's thoughts to be in human nature and the result of cognitive bias, while claiming their own viewpoint as being the correct way to "overcome" cognitive bias. This is not due simply to debate misconduct but is a more fundamental problem that stems from psychology's making up of multiple opposed cognitive bias theories that can be non-falsifiably used to explain away any viewpoint
In other words, you may observe my rational thinking as a cognitive bias, and there is no falsifiable way to define "human nature".
The criticism part of wikipedia article on CBT states
"Recent paper (January 2015) Casts doubt on value of CBM. Meta-analysis of 49 trials looking at outcomes for anxiety and depression. Paper concludes 'CBM may have small effects on mental health problems, but it is also possible that there are no significant clinically relevant effects.' It notes that research is hampered by small low quality trials and by risk of publication bias."
I have been a big fan of CBT ... although I am coming out of another period of negative thought patterns. I like this point of view because it allows me to rationalize depression as a feeling rather than a reality, and then deal with the triggers for the feeling. So, depending on your bias toward the actual results of therapy, you can look at "framing" as a way of personalizing strategies to deal with your circumstances, or as a way to put a band aid on a wound that could take tens of thousands of dollars and years to heal ...
A problem with this site is that after we get well we are not as motivated to keep posting. I am interested in your thoughts about what works for getting better.
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