My Short Story... for now

[dazed&confused]

Hi there.

I'm a wife and a stay at home mother of three very active girls. My husband works on the road a lot during the month, which leaves me & the girls here by ourselves; without friends or family for support.

It's draining ... mentally, emotionally and physically, to say the least.

To help try & keep myself as sane as possible, I have to first admit that I talk to myself … a lot. Like full blown arguments with myself type “a lot” … Sort of like it’s my heart and my head battling it out for the ultimate “prize” of control. Neither rationality nor reality can trump one or the other, I think, so it’s a constant battle … even in my dreams.

I have not been diagnosed with any particular form of depression, but after our last child (#3) was born (2 years ago) I begged & begged to be treated for PPD and my doctor said all I needed was to take a step back and a deep breath, because she didn't believe in medications. I’m now back begging to be treated for whatever the flip is wrong with me now.

I have absolutely no “reason” to be the way that I am … I have a great life. Really, I do. I love my husband, I love my children and I wouldn’t *eeever* do anything to harm any of them … We’re financially comfortable. We’re intimately well. We talk about things til we’re both blue in the face. But yet …I feel like, for the past year or so, I've been dealing with it by myself ... my husband thinks of it as a "mind over matter" situation ... if I don't mind then it shouldn't matter ... but it's gone on for sssssssssssssssooooooooooooooo long and there's now ssssssssssso much noise in my head ... I'm not really even sure where to begin to get my head screwed back on my shoulders again.

I feel *so* incredibly lost ... and confused …

[aim]

Hi Dazed, and welcome to the forums! I am no doctor, but it really does sound like PPD. You know that PPD can go on for years if left untreated? It does not make you a bad person or mother, it makes you ill, Dazed. And I cannot understand a medical doctor who would not take you seriously with all of the symptoms you have exhibited.

Brooke Sheilds had PPD, and scared herself silly before she went for the proper treatment - which included medication. Have you read her book about it? I forgot the title, but it's got the word, "rain," in it. Maybe reading someone else's story will help you?

Your husband will support you when he truly understands what is going on with you... Hope to hear from you again soon.

[xn728]

how can i talk with you ,feeling like this ,your story has touched me ,that means i still care ,it hurts to care ,you are depressed ,see a doctor ,dont become what i am becoming ,for 30 odd years i have been nice and compasionet, and i have been so unhappy ,i call my depression ,the visitor ,it took me when i was 7 ,and my life dissapeared ,if i take the visitors hand and walk into the darkness and the world of not caring ,i will see happiness because i wont be burdend by the gift of caring ,ive tried being nice and got nowere ,
do you really have full blown arguments with yourself ,do you feel anger
im feeling very explosive and on the edge ,im frightened i know somthing bad is happening to me ,dont be frightened of what you may see me write
there are lots of wonderful caring people to help you share ,and lots to read for expeirience ,let it out here ,i always say welcome home reach out and we will catch your fall ,im falling now but its in free fall created by my own twisted mind ,it destroyed me as a child and it is trying to finish the job now ,theres plenty of people here to catch you , should i become absent ,amy is a true friend to me ,among others who you will meet soon
your not alone the door is always open ,reach out and we will catch your fall ,,,,,,xn728

[Monty]

Hi Dazed, welcome to our little family here.

My children are both in their twenties. I was ok after my son was born but something was, just not right after my daughter came along.
I then had a whooping big case of PPD that hasn't really left me. Somehow it has gotten into the mix in my head that needs meds to keep me on the straight and narrow.

TI also have thoughts in my head keep going round and round, getting faster and faster, and scarier and scarier because I was afraid to tell anyone what was going on, in case they thought that I was nuts.

Over the years I have found that if I can feel comfortable enough with either people (not too many) or on-line, and let some of those thoughts out, they slow down a lot and become much more manageable. Sometimes I need to put on the radio or tv, using the distraction to compete with the unwanted thoughts.

Everyone here is very supportive of each other.
I hope that you continue to post because we all seem to help to prop each other up. Sometimes you might be on the receiving end of the help, or on the other end giving advice that you might think would be helpful to others when you are feeling stronger. It is all an ebb and flow.

Keep posting and let us know more about you.

The good thing about on-line support is that you can sit down, and let the thoughts flow out, there is relief.

[aim]

Dazed... still thinking about you and hoping that you post here again...

[Haitch]

Hi Dazed

Sorry to hear how you are feeling and to hear that you didn't get the support from the Doctor that you needed.

Have you tried to go see a different Doctor?

I hope this site helps you, even if it is just to vent and get what ever you are thinking and worrying about down in writing it may assist you a bit.

Hope you will keep posting.

Haitch.

[Fawn]

My name is Fawn and I joined yesterday and am glad that I found this site. I have been suffering with depression most of my life and that's a long time since I am now 61...lol. However, in the past 4 years it's seemed to have gotten worse and I have had panic attacks, agorophobia, and crying jags that seem to come on for no reason what-so-ever. Both my younger sister and I are having problems and due to growing up in a very dysfunctional family and never having anyone to be able to bond with. My father stayed away from home as much as he could and my mother had a mental disorder herself and was never there emotionally for us. Of course, both my sister and I had different ways of surviving this. She shut herself off and I tried to find a family that I could find love and acceptance with.

Maybe I should say here that neither of my parents wanted girl children. They only wanted males. So I think that we were a big disappointment to both of them. I can remember being duct taped to a chair with duct tape over my mouth so my mother wouldn't have to worry about where I was or what I was doing and this was like at 3 years old.

In my quest for love I made some real bad choices and married two men who were alcoholics. The first one I wasn't married to but we had a child together, a son. The second was extremely abusive, both verbally and physically and I was in the hospital 4 times with injuries that he inflicted on me venting his frustration at the world at large. The man I am with now is the only decent thing in my life and I thank God that I finally found someone who was good to me. I forgot to mention that, after I left my second husband I was stalked by him for over 3 years but found out that he passed away a year ago so now I can stop looking over my shoulder and that is a relief. Being stalked makes a person feel like an animal in a cage and it's terrifying.

I stated that my first husband and I had a son and this was always a bone of contention between my parents and myself. Since my mother could have no more children after my sister they took over my son. If he wanted something and I told him no all he had to do was to go to their house and ask them and he'd have it. When he was in his senior year of high school he just moved in with them because that's where the money was and he knew that he could pretty much do as he pleased and get away with it.

Well...that's the story of my life and I wish it had been different but maybe alot of things that happened have made me more empathetic to other people and a stronger person, I don't know. God wouldn't have allowed it without a plan in His mind.

[xn728]

welcome fawn you have lots of friends here ,you havent even met yet ,dont be afraid to share your feelings here thers no judging ,read the storys and they will give you understanding ,if you post there may not always be an instant reply ,but they will arrive as people read through ,
if you feel bad and need to unload feel free ,reach out and we will catch your fall ,welcome home new friend ,,,,,,,,xn728

[aim]

Hey Fawn! Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. It's amazing to me that you have been through so much pain, but can continue to stay positive. I too believe that God has a plan for us all, and that everything happens for a reason. I'm so glad for you that you can see that.

I'm Amy, 33, living in New Jersey, America. It's really nice to meet you, and welcome to the forums here at DU!

I know your son moved out, but do you have a relationship with him? How old is he now?

[Monty]

Just adding another welcome to you Fawn.

It seems like there are a few of us, that are a little older. I am sorry that you have had to deal with so much pain in your life.

Sometimes it helps me just to sit down and let my fingers just go, turn that editor off in my brain.

This is a safe place to vent. so I would encourage you to let us know about what is happening with you, when it feels safe to do so.

We are here to help out when we can, or to do what helps most of us the best, just listen.

[Aurelia5]

Hi Dazed-
Right this minute, I mean after you read this, get the phone book and call a different doctor. Any doctor that so blythly overlooks your depression like that is not doing her job. Get another doctor right away. I suggest a psychiatrist; shop around for one that is versed in ppd, they usually have their specialties listed right there in the phone book.
Your conversations with yourself are fine. They are even healthy. They are your mind's way of letting off some of the pressure. xn728 has his Visitor, I have my Mind. You have one of these tormentors too.

And yes, you do have a reason to feel like you do: you are most likely clinically depressed. If it's been going on for more than six months, has interfered with your life, and there is no obvious reason for it, it's real live depression. I know of what I speak: I have been depressed since I was about 7 or 8. Full of anxiety and prone to bouts of crying. I have always lived in a state of fear and dread. I have tried almost every antidepressant out there, except for Electroconvulsive Therapy (ask Monty), and am now on the new one that everybody loves: Cymbalta. I have a very difficult life situation that I will be explaining in another catagory, and the Cymbalta has kept me somewhat even-keeled. It recently nearly saved my husband's life. I REALLY think you should find a psych doc that will give you free samples. They will give you enough to get you to the point where you can feel them working; a lot of these drugs take about 3-4 weeks to start working.

Tell your husband, who is probably frustrated and a little cranky because he can't seem to help you, that the best thing he can do is just be cheerful. Try just to be in a good mood around you - it will help. If he's happy to see you when he finally comes home from work, just let him know that seeing his smiling face and a big hug really make you happy. It will get him started on that type of behavior all the time. My husband is a wizard at this. He's just always happy to see me, even though we rarely even leave the house.

So now you don't have to feel lost anymore. We're here. We care about you. We are just like you. And there are good doctors out there. Just try one after another until you find one you like. If finances are a problem, they have ways to help with that too.

Everything is going to be fine.

a5

[aim]

It also helps sometimes to have the person you are in love with just hold on tight and not let go until you are ready... you can cry, laugh, talk or say nothing at all. It's just important to know that he or she is there, loving you and not going anywhere. Amazing anti-depressant that is... at least for me.

[Aurelia5]

Hi Fawn!

Welcome to our homey little forum. I am pretty new, a few weeks, and I feel so cared for by these people. You will love it here.

My gracious you've been through a lot of horrible stuff. I personally would give yourself the credit for being a stronger person and more empathetic toward other people. You are the one that did it. You are the one that toughed it out.

I am, and I bet we all are, really happy you have a nice man now. I would've danced on the grave of the other one. And the police can't do anything until it's too late. I've heard of more women who have been murdered by their stalkers because the cops can't just go bust the guy for no "real" reason. It seems like it happens here in New Mexico alot.

About your depression: I would say you are just plain old depressed, as in clinically depressed, which is no longer considered a character defect, but is a genuine disease, often times caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. You've probably heard all this, but there are also "talk" treatments - Cognitive Therapy - that teach you how to think differently about the way you look at your life. They are techniques that are sort of like different techniques in cooking - one way of preparing a souffle is different than another, but it may taste a lot better. Have you looked into any kind of therapy? I'm 53, and have been under both a psychiatrist's and a psychologist's care for at least 20 years now. I NEED the antidepressants I am prescribed. And I NEED the thinking tricks my psychologist teaches me. Maybe that might be a thought.

It's so good that you made it through. I would be willing to bet your life is just going to get better and better each day now. Maybe now you can look forward to life, instead of back.

Write anytime. Say anything. Sometimes we just check in and keep in touch with a few sentences. We'll always answer you.

Have a good night, sweet dreams, and tomorrow will be farther from the past.

a5

[aim]

I have given a lot of thought to needing anti-depressants, and I have to agree that there are people who do - people like me. I've been on Paxil now for about a year, and I am finally feeling more normal than not. I really do have the most real and irrational anxiety when I am not on it - it has got to be a chemical imbalance of some sort inside of me. I always say that I do not want to be on Paxil forever, but I am terrified to not be on it. What will happen to me then? Will I revert back to being an anxious mess? I guess my whole issue is that I want to have children one day soon, and I know that I cannot stay on Paxil while pregnant... I have spoken to the doctor about it, and she says there are other drugs that will not interfere with a pregnancy and hurt a fetus that I could be on while carrying... I don't know. I guess working where I do, I see babies that have been affected negatively by all different types of drug use, and I would never hurt a baby like that.

For all of you who have children... did you go without any medication while pregnant? How did you feel?

[Monty]

Since I was brought up in a religion that there was no medical intervention with physical problems, the anti-depressant thing was a huge question for me. There is no doubt that I am chemically depressed. There is chemical imbalance in my brain.

I also have a couple of friends who refuse to go the med route, and in discussions with them I have found that they just won't take the pills. It is not a matter for me to really comment on because their lives, and experiences and all that they have to deal with, is different from what I have had to live.

For me it worked to do the med thing. I had a lot of difficulty starting with them (over 20 years ago) but, for me (and I put in "for me" that doesn't mean that is the best for everyone), they were the way to go. I probably wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them. Talk-therapy on its own is not enough for me. I need the drugs to work in tandem with the talk.

Unfortunately, like every person's chemcial make-up is different and there are so many drugs out there, sometimes it is tough for pdoc's to find out which "cocktail works for you". It took more than 15 years for them to find the one that seems to work for me. A lot of those years I was really floundering but I always stayed on my meds.

I wish I could be more helpful. It is such a personal decision on which way to go with meds. I think that it is great that we have a forum like this where we can help each other in giving background on what things worked, or didn't work for us. Helps to have both sides of the issue talked about