December 2015

[IntentionallyBlank]

When I was 8, I prayed to God, asking God to kill me. Ever since, I have thought about suicide a lot. I have lived in several places. A lot of messed up people have done a lot of bad things to me in other places. But, I always had hope - an obstinate hope that always prevented me from committing the most self-destructive acts. But this place, this place has very nearly destroyed my hope. I keep going out into the world, putting myself out there, trying to connect, and waiting for something to happen to make all of this pain worth living. I so very much wished that someone, just one person, who I have ever loved would have loved me back. But, no one ever has. People care, but they always care within the confines of self-interest or duty. No one understands and no one knows me - what they see of me is distorted by their own projections, assumptions, and negative judgments. I so very much wanted to be known by someone who I wanted to know. I have never been good enough for that. I have now invested the last bit of my hope into my academic career. I fear that I am not good enough for this either. It is all I have left. It is the last place I have to try to find something to make this worth it. I am scared and lonely. I try to comfort myself with working out, music, food - nothing works. I try reading, but I get excited about what I read and I don't have anyone to talk with about it. I end up laying in bed and imagining someone touching my hair or holding me near them. I try to imagine what that would feel like. I end up crying - a lot. I am always tired. And, I hurt, a lot, all of the time. I don't want nor expect anyone to do anything. There is just this deep need to have one's pain witnessed and understood, especially when one goes about their lives fronting a sociable smile while crying alone on the train, in the car, in the shower, in bed - all of the time - while believing there is not even a God there to bear witness.

[100footpole]

Thank you for bearing witness IB.

The awful thing about depression is that relief doesn't come until you start to make it on your own. I think you can make it, and I think that you will find someone if you continue to look.

[IntentionallyBlank]

Thank you kindly for the response.

[100footpole]

There is so little we can do for each other here, but send out positive thoughts ....

When I ask people to try to be strong ... I feel stronger too ... like teamwork.

My biggest disappointments have been in myself. Especially when I am depressed.

It sounds like you are doing the right things. Tell me more about your studies and what you are reading. I want to know.

[IntentionallyBlank]

You mention something that I think people don't realize about depression. I have heard so many times that depression is selfish...that depressed people are selfishly stuck in their own pain. But, as you said, I also feel better when I help other people. There is an empathetic side of depression that people don't see. Part of my depression is due to just how many horrible things people do to each other, animals, and the world.

Right now, it is end of the semester...grading time. So, I am reading a lot of student essays and papers. After the semester, well, I have a long list of books - everything from literary classics, poetry and philosophy. Do you have any good reads?

[repeat]

The thing is, we are always never good enough at anything. We just have to do the best of it. I know exactly what you feel, I also ask God many times to take my life. But God, He is good, He will never take away hope. If you're still alive, there will be always hope.

[100footpole]

An interesting book to try might be: The Invention of Nature: Alexander von Humboldt's New World by Andrea Wulf. Alexander von Humboldt was an incredibly influential polymath at the start of the 19th century, yet I had never really heard of him ... except that the name "Humboldt" was familiar. It is an interesting biography of a life well lived and a fortune well spent.