My Story--any and all advice welcome

[cmteddy]

Hey there. So I am new to this. Honestly, I have never been diagnosed with depression and have not started taking medication or even seen a professional for it. However, I am to the point where I need to stop ignoring my symptoms, as they are getting harder and harder to hide, and it is hindering some of my relationships.

So a little about me, I am a 24 year old college graduate with a great starting career. I was also super happy, kind-hearted, generous, loving, and positive. But things started to change after college graduation, which is probably normal.

Towards the end of my college career, I began to realize and accept that fact that I was a lesbian. This alone caused stress because I come from a very very conservative christian family. As time grew closer towards graduation, I fell in love with a beautiful, smart, talented woman. The only problem, I was set to move across the country in about 1 month. So, one month later, we began our long distance relationship. I was dealing with that, plus going from an extremely active social life to no friends in a new town. I finally decided to come out to my parents, and that changed our relationship. They still love me, but they don't agree to my "life-style" and never mention my girlfriends name and don't talk about my relationship at all. That was hard, because I felt like I lost a support system. So, eventually I moved back to where my girlfriend was. When I moved back, we began to realize things weren't how they used to be. I was still crazy for her, but she had lost a little bit of interest. Let me tell you, the hardest thing ever is to love someone who doesn't love you back equally. I am insecure, and feel like I'm walking on eggshells, and all i want to do is reach out and cling to her, but I know that would push her away. So I am stuck in this rut, i love her dearly, but ultimately, I want her to be happy, even if that's without me. But part of me is bitter, I essentially gave up my family for her. Anyway, now she is moving for 9 months to be with her family because she is graduating and needs to study for the CPA, then she will be back to our town. I have doubts about this distance. I don't see it working at all. But I am in this weird state and feel emotionless. I cry for no reason, and i never used to cry. I get angry at her, but hide it. I feel genuinely sad. All i want to do is sleep. Ive gained weight, which is a huge fear of mine. I am not suicidal. However, I just don't see life like I did before. I was so happy and positive.

So, I don't know much about depression, but I have been researching anti-depressants. A lot cause weight gain, and I can tell you now, if I gain weight, my depression will only be worse. I came across the drug "wellbutrin" and have been researching that.

Anyway, I would love feedback. I don't know my next steps, or how to go about seeking help.

Thanks!

[100footpole]

hey cmteddy.

Before you turn to more drugs make sure you are avoiding stimulants. Coffee, Cigarettes, Alcohol, etc. . Journal, and then look at your journal as a stranger. What would you tell the person who wrote?

Depression can have two causes: brain chemistry, and your urge for change. With all the changes you have gone through it is hard to tell which it is for you. Is there someone older and stable you can talk to?

I'm on Prozac and Wellbutrin. They help in a lot of ways, but sometimes I can get off them and I am much happier. The drugs "level" me ... but that means I avoid the good parts as well as the bad.

You described your symptoms perfectly:

But I am in this weird state and feel emotionless. I cry for no reason, and i never used to cry. I get angry at her, but hide it. I feel genuinely sad. All i want to do is sleep. Ive gained weight, which is a huge fear of mine. I am not suicidal. However, I just don't see life like I did before. I was so happy and positive.

That is depression. And drugs can help ... but sometimes they stop helping too. Read some of the old posts on here, and ask yourself what you would tell those people ... And then see if you are following your own advice ... If so, then call in the professionals! But the chemicals won't make you happy, just less miserable.

[cmteddy]

100footpole,
I sincerely thank you for your reply! I am not one to open up to people or talk about my problems, even those I am close with, so talking with people about this issue is tough. I do plan on blogging and journaling, so that should help a bit. I also am a coffee addict, and have a hard time going without it. Lately, it seems to be the only thing keeping me going, especially in the mornings.

[100footpole]

I know what you mean about Coffee Addiction. I used to drink 6 to 8 12 oz. cups a day. I am down to two cups every morning to get going. I notice that I am calmer on the rare days that I skip the coffee. But, I am also sadder ... not more depressed ... sadder.

I feel depression in my shoulders, elbows, knees, and chest. I feel sad in my chest. Also, some days the physical addiction kicks in with a roaring headache in my temples or the back of my head.

My wife of 27 years knows I get severely depressed, and doesn't pressure me about it. It is hard to talk to her because she has felt sad, but not depressed.

I think it is better to not be too emotionally involved with depressed people in real life ... I have done that several times when I've felt stronger, and I've always ended up more hurt.

"Normal" people keep saying why are you still talking with them, and make jokes about "the drama". I try very hard not to hurt the normal people, and to do my best for people in my life who are depressed. Posting on here helps me feel that I am at least giving back a little to people like me, while I still have the protection of being online.

It does help a little to make lists of things that I like when I talk on here:

0) Hearing back on my posts
1) Babies
2) Finds at a Thrift Store
3) Working with a friend.
4) Hiking in woods.

Is there anything I can tell you about myself? I would love to know some things you like.