Winter Holiday Blues

[100footpole]

Since the day after Thanksgiving (November 27) I've felt really depressed.

Last August I felt well enough to quit taking Prozac after 18 years or so. I found I had lots more energy, and started a couple of hobby projects. I started feeling a little depressed before Thanksgiving, but I put that off as stress. Since then I've been getting worse, to the point where today I feel like I can barely move. I feel like I'm going to start to cry, but nothing comes out. I just moan.

The Sunday after Thanksgiving, I started taking the Prozac I have left again. I have about a weeks more worth. I need to go to the doctor to get the prescription refilled. I'm mad at myself because I didn't get two refills done before the prescription expired.

When I go to the doctor he is going to bother me about all sorts of diagnostic tests that he wants to run - chest X-ray, Colonoscopy, Blood Work. I see no point in those. I can afford the tests, but I don't think I can afford treatment. The thought of having to come up with the co-pays for treatment is a real trigger for me.

I've been depressed enough to know that this mood will eventually pass. It helps to write this because I have a better idea of how to talk with the doctor.

I told myself I would write this, then go take a shower ... its only been two days. I've been on the chat groups a little. They felt good yesterday, but not so much today.

I've gotten depressed around the winter holidays since I was 12 or 13. I need to look at my posts from last year to see what I was saying. I feel bad for the people who have reasons to be depressed ... family, work, etc. But, in another way it is worse not to have a reason for the feeling. There is no change I think I could make that would make things better ... except to get rid of the anxiety about the drug prescription. So that's what I'll do.

Has anyone switched from Prozac to a different SSRI that they like better? It would really distract my DR if I told him I was thinking of switching because of something I read on the internet .... We could talk about the side effects of the drugs rather than the tests he wants to run.

Talk to you later

[100footpole]

Well here is a story I think many people are familiar with.

I've been on the Prozac for a week, and it started making a difference after two days or so. I made an appointment for the doctor today to get my refills. I woke up having anxiety attacks. My hands are shaking, my knees keep rolling, I can't keep my feet still, and my stomach hurts.

I don't want to talk to the doctor ... unless he wants to talk to me about dosages and maybe stronger alternatives to Prozac. I do not want to worry about preventative health, I just want to stop worrying about nothing.

Today my big worry about nothing is going to the doctor. I worry that he is just going to say No because I am not interested in taking care of myself with all his elective crap - cholesterol meds, colonoscopy, chest X-ray. I think he is going to try to blackmail me. And I worry about telling him that because then he is going to refer me to a psychiatrist.

I know that some of the problem is environmental. I get depressed every year at Christmas, and trying to be a good sport doesn't seem to work. People keep pressing holiday cheer, belief in miracles because it is a magic time of the year, yada, yada, yada. I believe if you hang out good things happen, but for me they don't start to happen until after the New Year. Maybe its the solstice ...

I looked at my posts from last year, and I can see that I was feeling more optimistic even in December ... but I think that was because I was posting here and had been on the meds. Last year, I quit posting here because I was doing other "productive things". In July I weened myself off the meds because I had more energy on days I skipped the meds.

Thanks for listening.