Idk, weak story I guess.

[Martyr]

Idk where to start...I've had depression all my life. I think since the age of 8 is far back I can remember.

Growing up, I've never felt a part of any group. I've always had trouble meeting and making new friends. I don't even feel comfortable around my own family honestly. More like just a waste of space who will never do anything. At school, I was bully a lot. I've gotten to the point back then that I wanted to take my own life. Though, I always end up chickening out of it. I rarely ever finish anything that I start.

By the time I was in high school, I only had a few friends and I hated school. The bullying finally stopped by 10grade, but I just couldn't take being there. Just being in school gave this anxiety and made it feel like everyone was laughing at me, regardless who they were. I barely talked to my few friends because we had different classes. By the time i was in my last year of high school, my grandfather had passed away. The closes thing I had to a father. So, i just gave up with everything and everyone. I ended up moving from my childhood home and into an apartment complex with my grandmother. I dropped out of school and got a dead end job that everyone thought i would of quit within a few months. I was there for 5 years until the stress got me and I quit.

Now i just do tempt jobs here and there. Any other job lets me go fairly quickly because I'm a bit of a slow learner and not good with customer service. which is the only job market in the area.

I'm living with my grandmother still and I'm 26... =/

My own mother and step father had put me into a huge debt. Before i was 18, they put my name into their bill ran it up and never paid for it. So, even if i had a regular and decent job, I can't afford my own place.

The only other job in the area is mostly driving jobs. I don't know how to drive car or own one for that matter. No one ever taught me how and going to the school for it is expensive.

The only thing I never felt like giving up is Pro wrestling (like you see on t.v, wwe tna roh etc). But I'm only 5'5 and in America. We short wrestlers don't get far or ever used for anything. The only wrestler at my size who gotten far is Rey mysterio. That the only person at my size who gotten far. I'm not near his level of his skill, even compare to when he was in three years (which is where I am at). So honestly, I'm not going to go far in this area. I'm stuck in my own area because, once again, no car lol.


My only girlfriend was a girl i met online. I was with her for 8 years and she helped lot to get through my depression. In fact, there was a few times that my depression ever hit me hard. Then these recent two
years she gotten distance from me. I've been trying for years to meet up irl, but it always got cancel, or pushed back. This year, i barely got to talk to her and realize I didn't know her anymore. She tell me things that she finally gotten better or able to do...months ago. I was no longer important to her or anything. So, I ended up breaking up with her. Since then, I haven't even spoken to her which really hurts.

I don't even try to hook up with anyone irl because who wants to date a person like me? No education, dont have my own place, no real job, no car or anything. Even online, even if I think someone is interest me, it turns out just being friendly. Especially once they get to know me.

Now here I am i guess... My depression hitting me so hard I cant get out of bed. I didn't go to work today. I couldn't be bother and I just rolled over in bed. When I do go to work, i'm just thinking about my depression all day and doing this self pity. I get to the point where I fantasize about not living. If i had to say my biggest regret in life, that being born.

[Gh0st78]

Hey Martyr,

Sorry to hear your depression is hitting you hard. I'm new at talking to people who share similar thoughts as I do so please forgive me if I'm not to helpful.

The main thing I feel I need to say is that your not alone. I don't know how much of a comfort this is but I have pretty much all the same feelings you expressed in your post. Especially with regards to why anyone would want a person like me (I also dropped out of high school worked a dead end job for 5 years then quit and I've never worked again.) The thing is there is other people (girls/guys) that feel the same. You will find someone. It took me forever but I did eventually find someone that understood the kind of crap people like us go through. Trust me they're out there for you too.

I used to love wrestling too (I never did it just watched it). Rey was one of my favorites actually. Imagine what he used to think when he tried to get started in something he loved? Nooo one his height had gotten to where he is today. But he stuck with it and it ended up well for him. Personally I'm glad he didn't give up. Just a thought.

I don't know how helpful I'm being to you but I just thought you should know your not alone.

[Martyr]

Hey Martyr,

Sorry to hear your depression is hitting you hard. I'm new at talking to people who share similar thoughts as I do so please forgive me if I'm not to helpful.

The main thing I feel I need to say is that your not alone. I don't know how much of a comfort this is but I have pretty much all the same feelings you expressed in your post. Especially with regards to why anyone would want a person like me (I also dropped out of high school worked a dead end job for 5 years then quit and I've never worked again.) The thing is there is other people (girls/guys) that feel the same. You will find someone. It took me forever but I did eventually find someone that understood the kind of crap people like us go through. Trust me they're out there for you too.

I used to love wrestling too (I never did it just watched it). Rey was one of my favorites actually. Imagine what he used to think when he tried to get started in something he loved? Nooo one his height had gotten to where he is today. But he stuck with it and it ended up well for him. Personally I'm glad he didn't give up. Just a thought.

I don't know how helpful I'm being to you but I just thought you should know your not alone.

Rey is the only example and comes from a famous family. There's no other example but him to be honest. I was doomed from the start because I'm genetically inferior to everyone else. My ex is the only person who understood me and well... she's gone. I can't even have the post break up talk with her because i can never get through with her. There's not much left for me to shoot for honestly. Even the suicide hotline is not very helpful.