im dying and no one cares

[porcupine]

Tell them to f*** off. i only consider people who consider me. i give as bad or as good as i get. Don't waste your life on selfish people.

[JonsDragonEyes]

I can understand where your coming from. Pretty much for all my life I let people take advantage of me. Most of the time I stay quiet and let myself suffer because of it. Sometimes it's very hard to stay quiet when all you really want to do is exactly what you said.... tell someone to ---- off.

It's such a hard choice on both sides. Letting go of what those people did to me without a fight. And dealing with the lame actions that my niece makes.

I remember when she had her first child. For the first four years of that kids life he lived in my house while she lived somewhere else. With " another boyfriend " who wasn't even the kids father. How crazy is that ?? When her son was old enough to start kindergarten she decided that it was time for him to come and live with her. Like really ?? Wow what about his first four years ?? ...

But anyway he went off to live with her. But in a way he was way off better at my house. I know that she loves her kid. I have no doubt at all about that. But she was so freaking lame on how she raised him it wasn't even funny. When it was time for him to go to bed because he had school the next morning she would make him go to his room , turn on the tv and just leave him there to watch it and fall asleep on his own. All by himself and he would stay awake way too late watching tv and was always a terror getting up the next morning for school. She never sang him a song or told him a story before bed she just sent him to his room and pretty much let the " television" put her kid to sleep.

When he was only about nine years old she let him play those violent video games. Those nasty ones that yell out the " F " word with almost every sentence. And was full of violence and people shooting other people with guns and blood and war. I mean nine years old ???? Hell I'm 38 and those video games appall me... I can't even imagine letting an nine year old play/watch them.

When he was also nine she let him go hunting during deer season. He was supervised by an adult of course... but still she let him go hunting and let him shoot his first deer. You should have heard her bragging about it.... so proud that her nine year old son " took down " a deer.

A beautiful animals heart stopped beating forever from the single pull of a trigger. I remember my niece going around showing pictures on her cellphone to everyone of the dead deer laying there on the ground with it's tongue hanging out. She was so proud of what her son did.

If it was my child I would have taught him how every life on this earth is just as important as a human beings. The only difference between us and an animal is an animal has no voice to yell out " Please don't kill me because I want to live too."

People will always have reasons to justify killing an animal... and that is so easy for them to do because it's not the persons life that will be lost forever.



Ever since that day he's had no respect towards other animals at all. He wants to shoot everything. Birds , coyotes , raccoon's... if something as small and as innocent as a rabbit hops across the yard he is ready to shoot it.

I remember wanting so much to take him outside right after dark and sit on the porch with him and listen to the coyotes howl... but I could never do that with him because all he wanted to do was kill them.

And those video games made him believe that life outside the games is like that. He's 15 years old now and anytime he gets mad at someone he thinks he can just beat them up. Kids his own age....grown adults etc. It's insane. He's never actually hit anyone but he has a horrible attitude towards people.

And plus it doesn't help that she bounced him around so much in his life. Sometimes he lived with her...sometimes she sent him right back here to live at my house. A kid needs stability in it's life.

He likes to argue with people all the time. He's hard headed and has a huge chip on his shoulder.

Now that she' gotten herself pregnant again. I wonder how she is going to raise the baby coming. Will it be bounced around like her son has ??

I remember so many times she would just show up on my doorstep with this huge bag of her kids clothes packed and she would ask if he could stay here at my house for awhile I mean just right out of the blue. . ....... Is she going to do that with this child too ??

Hell , the baby isn't even born yet and she already expects it to stay here at my house five days a week from morning until night while she works.

I think the feeling that upsets me most is guilt. I feel guilty because I can't deal with helping her right now ..... I've always believed family should always be there for other family members no matter what and I feel like I'm letting her down... But Jesus Christ I can't deal with her and her issues right now.

I can't remember the last time I smiled. The last time I felt safe. The last time I slept without having nightmares. Or the last week of my life that I've got through without having an anxiety/panic attack.

I don't remember what the freedom from pain feels like. Or when my life was MY OWN life and I could just take a deep breath and know what it's like to feel alive.

Don't I deserve to know what all of those feelings are like again ???

With people like my niece around and the jerks that screwed me over online around I sometimes think the only freedom I will ever find is from the end of a razor blade.

Someday I want to take a deep breath and let the air fill my lungs and let it out as one huge breath... the breath of freedom , the breath of happiness....

Nothing to hold me down , nothing to hold me back. To just be damn free.

And I'll win Casper's trust over and show him all the love that he deserves......... I can almost feel him in my arms. And both me and him can find that happiness we deserve.

But I don't know if I'm going to be able to make it.

[porcupine]

I think the cats are at least one reason to carry on. Also, I would recommend getting as much rest as possible. Not easy I know, when being harassed. I have as little to do with people round here as possible. Most of them can't be trusted.

[JonsDragonEyes]

With my niece there is always harassment. And there will always be as long a she keeps acting the way she does. I don't think she will ever have to stand accountable for her crazy actions.


And as far a trust is concerned as long as there are people like Angie and Vicki and Aaron ....... finding trust and safeness in people again is like climbing a huge mountain and never quite knowing what will be on the top of it when you finally make it there.


I wrote a poem last night it wasn't fancy it wasn't much. Hell , it didn't even rhyme. But it did come straight from my heart.


Tonight I'll say a prayer
I don't know if anyone will hear me
Maybe no one will understand
But tonight I pray that I will one day I will wake up to a world
Where people easily understand each others pain
They won't judge... they won't blame
They will just simply understand
And when that day comes.....
I think the world will once and for all become a truly beautiful place


Somehow I think waking up to a world where all people live like that is a million years away. I don't think I will make it long enough to see that.

[porcupine]

i know. i think if people would just help each other out more, the world would be a lot easier but instead they go around preying on others.

is there anything you can say to stop your family killing animals? be careful with saying anything though, they sound dangerous.

[JonsDragonEyes]

No. They aren't dangerous. We have something here called " hunting season" where at certain times of the year it's legal to shoot " certain " types of animals. There is turkey season , deer season , squirrel , season. etc. I can't stand it but it's legal if you have a hunting license.

I cannot stand nor do I ever want any part of it. All my life I've been blessed living here in the country where deer and rabbits , skunks , squirrels , raccoon's walk right through my yard and some even come right up on my front porch. Living with them that close they become a part of you. They really do.

I can't imagine my world without them or imagine living in a world where people want to harm or destroy them.

But people are messed up. Nine times out of ten people kill them for "trophy kills." Which deer have the biggest antlers ... they take pride in killing.

My nephew was raised to think things like this is okay. He thinks it's cool. Every year he tries to shoot one with the "biggest antlers" ....... And my niece just sits there and brags how her son is such a good hunter.

It's sad though because when hunting season is over my nephew still wishes he could shoot things.... rabbits , skunks , coyotes , birds.... He thinks shooting animals is some kind of " fun sport ".

It breaks my heart. The only thing an animal should be shot with his a camera.... never a gun , bow and arrow or trap.

Sadly people will always think it' fun to shoot an animal as a sport. They will never understand the value of every life on this planet .... because it isn't their life that is lost.

[JonsDragonEyes]

I'm pretty tired tonight but I still wanted to write so bear with me.

Deep down I don't think my nephew is a bad kid. He was just raised in such a negative way. I remember when he was younger I wanted to teach him all about animals. Things like listening to coyotes howl and watching ants build their nests.... Except I never could because he always wanted to hurt them. I remember the very first time I wanted him to listen to a coyote he threw a huge tantrum because he wanted to shoot it in the head ... and when I tried to show him how ants built their nests he just wanted to stomp on them with his shoes. So I gave up trying. The kid has potential to be a better person I really believe that. If he ever gets to reach that potential ..... I don't know.

I'm tired tonight. I sat outside again and watched the sky change colors. We really need it to rain more here. If your country folk like me you can feel it deep down in your bones....in your blood , in your veins. It's so dry. Your restless inside just like the trees and the grasses are. Sounds kinda crazy but you really can feel it beating in your heart just like the dry choked wind blows across the hills.

I want to fall asleep at night with the sounds of the rain drop on my window.

Mother Nature is still beautiful though. In all her glory she is still holding that beauty. Like the grand finale at a fireworks show she is giving her all before she gives into the winter.

Makes me both happy and sad at the same time.

I don't know how to be as strong as I'm going to have to be. I still live with my parents and after my niece's baby is born she STILL plans on us to take care of it for her on a weekly basis. My parents mind you are in no shape to take on a baby everyday like that. My dad is 78 and has a very serious heart condition that is so bad it can never get better. He cannot have any stress at all and has to have lots of rest. My mother is 73 and has Carpal Tunnel in both her hands and has constant trouble with her back and feet. Sometimes the bottoms of her feet go numb that she can't feel them. At times she almost trips over her own feet because she can't even feel them there. And me , here I am drowning in depression and anxiety.

Now how in the world can we take care of a baby ?? My niece knows all of this and still expects us to.

You know what I feel like ? I feel like my whole world around me has fell like a crumbling wall. But I still have the power inside me to rebuild it back again and make it as beautiful or even more beautiful than before ... But I can't do that unless I get the chance to re - build it on my own.

And I can't do that while I'm taking care of someone else's responsibilities in life. I have to take care of my own.

Here I am sounding like a broken record again.

The fireflies are leaving. Where once the night here was lit up with the glow of thousands and thousands of sparkling green lights they are slowly fading. I'm going to miss seeing them. The nights will be so dark without them.

Casper actually meowed at me. I was really surprised. Maybe I will get to hold him in my arms someday after all.

I'm still lonely though. I still have nightmares about Angie and Aaron. Just when I think they are going to go away they always come back. Unanswered questions are the most painful kind of questions and it seems as long as you try to forget them they always seem to keep coming back and they always will come back until you get those answers.

There is a song by Blaine Larsen called " How do you get that lonely. "

There's a line in the song that goes.

" How do you feel so empty you wanna let it all go. How do you get that lonely and nobody' knows."

I think I can relate to that.

[porcupine]

What did Angie and Aaron do? I've read your posts but i'm still unclear as to what happened. Sometimes, i think its better not to know the answers. you might not like what you find and feel worse. i would recommend blocking toxic people out of your life as much as possible.

I've downloaded a picture of Casper and set it as wallpaper on my phone.Hes standing by a tree. he looks sweet.

[JonsDragonEyes]

I live way out in the woods and country down one of the most beautiful back roads to me I've ever seen. There are so many wonderful things to see and experience here. I've lived in this place where my father and grandfather have farmed for as long back as I can remember. Only problem is it's a very lonely life. The closest town is so small that not many people can make a decent living here so all of my school friends have moved out and some even out of state. I lost touch with them.

My parents are the best thing I could ever ask for. But a person needs friends.

I've been lonely a long , long time. I also have physical health scares that I've kept a secret for a long time too. Everyone deals with that kind of thing in their own way. I guess for me I don't like to talk about it much. Only on here did I start to open up about it but I have days and times when even then and on here that I don't like to be asked about them. My mom is the only person that I truly feel totally comfortable talking about them with.

To make a long story short I started talking to these people online. A guy who I cared a lot about.......plus his friend Angie and her husband Aaron...... and Angie's friend Vicki and Angie's cousin Benji....... All of my loneliness and my fear over my health issues started to fade away. If you have friends. Good friends then the scary shit you have to face in life seems a lot less scary. I really let myself love these people. Very much so. And at first they seemed so nice.

There was this guy that I really cared about and he seemed to care about me too. He would send me emails about how much he cared about me and how much he needed me. He told me that I made such a wonderful difference in his life because he was going through rough times too and was hiding a huge drug problem from everyone around him. He told me that I helped him. He even told me that I literally saved his life one night. I still have the emails he sent me thanking me for saving his life. He said he wouldn't be alive if it hadn't been for me.... He told me talking to me had made a huge positive impact on his life. I still have those emails saved.

I don't think I could ever say that my life was perfect with him... but at least I didn't have to feel so alone or afraid. I was helping him make his life better and he was also helping me make it through life.

Like I said things were good at first. But then he started to get mean and insulting towards me. Some days he would be emotionally and mentally abusive. He claimed to care so much about me. Hell , he even told me he loved me. Yet he started spending more time with Vicki than he did me. And then Vicki started avoiding me. She would tell me that she couldn't talk to me anymore because she was too busy with work and she told me she was getting rid of her emails and instant messengers even her computer ... then I found out later she totally lied to me. She wasn't too busy with work she just changed her email and instant messenger names and talked to everyone else but me. Then after a very long time she finally started coming back and talking to me again but she wasn't as nice as she was before. She was a lot more cold and distant. She even told me one night that all I did was make the guy's life that I cared about worse.

I remember one night I felt suicidal and I was afraid to be alone. I was practically begging Vicki to help and telling her how much at that moment I jut needed a friend to sit there and be with me. And she just left me there. .. Just walked right out on me and wouldn't even talk to me. I couldn't believe it.

Then one night while talking to Angie's cousin Benji he warned me that the one guy that I was talking to wasn't who he really claimed to be. He told me that it was Angie the whole time pretending to be him. He told me that Angie had mental issues and was always going around pretending to be this guy and her family and her husband Aaron always backed her up and let her do it. He told me to be very careful around her. He said that Angie stole the guys real identity and made up fake emails and instant messenger names and came on pretending she was him. And that their friend Vicki helped too.

I've done everything I can do to find the truth. Since then they've threatened me with physical harm and lawsuit. The lawsuit I'm guessing was to scare me into being quiet so that they never get caught.

All I've ever wanted to do is find out the truth. Was the guy who came into my life and made me feel happier and more comfortable and safe than I have ever felt in a long time be for real or not. That's all I've ever wanted to know.

I've given him my phone number. But he made every excuse not to call me. I've gave him every opportunity to prove himself but he won't.

So if these people are for real why get so ridiculous and threatening just because I want to find out the truth ??? They act like I'm a traitor or a bad person.

Asking someone to prove the truth is harmless. Isn't it ???

Now every time I come across someone online I'm afraid to trust them. I won't let myself get close to anyone anymore.

I really did love all of them with all my heart.

Sometimes though I think it's better to stay all alone than risk letting your heart love people who don't deserve it.

[JonsDragonEyes]

For a long time I've struggled with the decision to keep on trying to find out the truth.

If Benji is right then what they are doing is against the law. You can't steal someone's identity and come online pretending to be them and have them involved with something as illegal as the involvement in drugs. I think it's called Defamation of Character and it is against the law for sure.

Should I report them or not ??

It was a hard choice to make but I've decided to just let everything go. I'm not going to ever report them.

I just want to move on with my life. Sometimes I'll have bad dreams when I try to sleep at night , sometimes "out of the blue" I'll think about everything that went on with them...

But like I said writing about pain is like an invisible sword against whatever hurts.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life afraid to trust people. Or afraid to love again.

I want so much to find that hug that I've dreamed for so long to find out. And if I don't ever let myself take the chance and trust again I know I'll never be able to get it.

[porcupine]

unfortunately, people generally cant be trusted. Even if they can be trusted you never know for sure. I met someone I liked online. He expected people to be there for him but in my difficult times, he just left me to rot.

I expect it now. I'm just going to muddle through life alone, the best I can and wait to die. I'm so tired of life.

[JonsDragonEyes]

I'm so sorry that happened to you Porcupine.

It's a tough world and even tougher times. When you believe you've found friends you think all of your worries about facing the world alone is over and then when you get hurt you have to teach yourself to trust again.

And trusting again means to be willing to give another piece of your heart away to someone.

Taking that huge chance of being hurt all over again is sometimes the hardest thing.

I've often told myself it's easier living life as a loner ....

But the life of a loner is one hell of a lonely kind of life.

[porcupine]

I've just spoken to him online. He's very troubled. He says he finds it difficult to show emotion. I think he means well.It's just he's a lost soul.

It's a shame people have to be so guarded but its good to be wary.

I'm surprised you hadnt heard of Kylie Minogue. Shes very famous here and in Australia.Ive wanted to be like her for years. She seems so happy and like she just glides through life. Perhaps she just makes it look easy.

[JonsDragonEyes]

Maybe he needs someone as good hearted and beautiful as you to be patient with him.

I think every lost soul can be saved ... as long as there is a person with a strong enough belief in them to never give up on them.

[porcupine]

Hopefully you can save Casper. I think he's a lost soul.