Such a long post...Sorry

[nyrekRN]

Strange how I've needed to get all this off my chest for so long and once I find a place to release it all...I can't even think of where to start. I've sat here staring at the screen for about 10 minutes.

Here goes:

I've had bouts of anxiety and depression throughout my adult life; but usually situational issues...nothing long-lasting or clinical in nature. Until this year.

Trying to think of when it all really started to hit me takes me to last December, when my then 17-year old daughter left home under very bad circumstances and it was after she left I learned she had been using heroin. I remember feeling the last time I saw her that it would be the last time I ever saw her alive. We have since spoken via text/phone, and she is doing better (or says she is) than when she left home. But I still have yet to actually lay eyes on her...and that kills me inside.

Then in January, I left my job for another offer and the offer fell through. I spent a month unemployed, and depression really set in as I struggled with unemployment and finances.

I secured a job early February, but with an almost $10k per year pay cut. And although I am still in the same role (Director of Nursing) it is in a different field (hospice) and I have struggled with learning all the different state and federal regulations and guidelines as well as the expectations of a whole new company.

When my insurance kicked in, I finally after many years sought professional help for my binge-eating disorder and although it took most of spring and early summer, have finally found a doctor who is helping me and started me on some meds that are starting to help a bit, albeit slowly.

On a happier note, the man I've been in a serious relationship with for the past 3 years and I made the decision to finally get a place together. We live an hour from each other, and this was going to be a huge way for us to save money, move forward in our relationship, and truly be a family. We decided to move over the summer to let the kids finish the school year out and then be ready to start a new school in fall.

He rents, and in order to move simply needs to give a 30-day notice. I also rent my current home, but when I informed my landlord...who is also my mother...that I would be moving, she put the house up for sale. So, to help her, I staged the house paying for a storage unit for excess stuff, and am in a constant state of cleaning to make sure the house is show-ready all the time.

With the new job, the risk of the house selling, the extra work to keep everything perfect...I've been more stressed than usual. Plus, with the lower income, I have been struggling to pay everything on time as my income decreased far faster than my bills. I admit it...I've been pretty bitchy and easily irritable.

Which led my man to have second thoughts about us living together and pretty much shyed away from the whole idea. We've done nothing but annoy each other and argue all summer. I'm mad that he wouldn't help us find a place to live and took no initiative to help me, and he's mad because I've turned into a psychopath looking for homes.

So, now we are not getting a place together. But my house is still up for sale and I don't know what to do if it sells because I have no where to go.

And my man and I have almost split multiple times this past month.

And I still can't pay the bills.

And I'm almost 40, with a great job, but still renting a home from my mother.

And then my oldest son, 20-yrs old, moved back home and I'm trying to help him until he gets back on his feet.

And I still feel fat.

So here I am, in a depressive state worse than anything I've ever experienced. I am typically very goal-oriented, and know if I put my mind to it, can work my way out of any situation. And I just don't have it in me. I'm tired. And angry. And hopeless. And watching my relationships slip away.

I feel like a failure personally, and as a mother, and at work, and as a partner. I'm letting everyone around me, including myself, down and I seriously don't know how to make it better.

[grandmablues]

You have undoubtedly been under a tremendous amount of stress with what is going on in your life now. You don't mention whether or not you've been to a doctor for some help.

Many people say they can't afford to go or don't think they need to go, but believe me, you need someone to help you cope and I believe your medical doctor is a good place to start.

I wish I had simple answers for you, but over the years (I'm 72) I find the answers are seldom simple. After my divorce (36 years ago), I started down the path of depression and have had to take anti-depressants ever since. They don't always work and I can get myself in a depressive mood at times, but the meds have kept me fairly stable.

I do suggest you give it a try...handling all of your stress by yourself can be very dangerous!

Beyond that, sharing your stress by writing about it here can also be a form of release, so don't stop posting...good way to let off some steam!!